Journey through hell.

It was to dark to really see anything...I could hear everything.
I heard the door at the other end of the brand new fancy double wide mobile home. I could tell when the socked feet left the carpeted living area and stepped onto the cheap linoleum floor of the kitchen...the sound of the refrigerator door opening...this was no doubt the excuse for leaving the confines of the bedroom at the end of the long mobile home. Then the refrigerator door closes. The steps come closer to the door at the end of the room where I lie and she lies in the bed across the room. I can see the light break with a large block of black space...the door opens...then the figure appears.

It moves to the bed across the room...I can hear her rhythmic breathing, she's sleeping. I move and make a sound this alerts the figure and it moves toward me. I pretend to be asleep and roll over...it sits on the bed the weight pulls my body toward it. I feel the figure touch my head...my hair...my face...my neck. I feel the covers move slide down my body...the cool of the air outside of the blankets washes over me like cascading water, I shiver. As the figure begins to pull my legs and body into the position most accessible for his ultimate goal my mind begins to fade...my conscious mind leaves all control to my sub-conscious and I am transported to a place that exists only in my mind.

There is a beautiful rich green pasture. The grass is so thick and soft the ground is cool under my bare feet, but the sun shinning down on me is warm like a blanket so worn and familiar there are beautiful while and yellow wild flowers scattered about, butterflies float and play on the breeze and just over the little hill is a sapphire blue spring. Large river rocks sprinkle the bottom of the bubbling brook, the water is cold and crisp, it feels like silk as it runs over my hands and feet. The air is clean and delicious, it has a sweet light delicate taste. I lie in the soft cool grass and squint my eyes as I face the warmth of the sun while my feet dangle in the cool musical sounds of the clear spring. I am happy, safe, warm, relaxed....this is my place the place no one can hurt me, the place where I am alone all alone just me...I'm so complete, so content I breath deep and revel in the sheer joy and gentleness of this place.

The figure gets heavy and I can suddenly feel the hot, sticky breath of it I am instantly in my own body again...I came back to soon...it seems to take longer than before, the pain shoots through my legs, hips, stomach. Nothing hurts as much as the inside of my most delicate and private places. I squeeze my eyes shut hard...the pain is coming more intense and more often now...then in an instant my eyes see white as the pain shoots through my entire body. I become unable to breath, there is so much weight I not strong enough to pull air into my chest it wont fill with air. then as I struggle to inhale the figure lifts itself from me and air feels my lungs with such quick sharpness I almost cough, I quiet myself quickly...a cough would only induce the terrifying threats of death, or tortour. The figure whispers ugly praises in my ear and kisses my cheek then I feel the blankets pull over my body...I hear the feet move across the room...the door opens...the door closes...the figure is gone.

I'm left with the wet sticky feel between my legs and the pain that has centered around my pelvic area. I roll over and slowly bring my knees to my chest...I don't cry anymore...I haven't done that in years. As the pain radiates through my limbs and abdomen I rock slowly and remind myself of the feel of the sun and the sound of the brook...the color of the wildflowers and the taste of the air. I drift off to sleep...I can sleep now...the figure won't be back until tomorrow night. My journey through hell is complete for today.

Another year has come and gone...I'm a year older...currently I'm having a huge issue with someone very close to me...or they were anyway...So for this years birthday blog I will not bad mouth anyone...I will not "erase" anyone. Tomorrow may change all of that but for today I will find peace within myself...peace with my faults...peace with my wants...peace with my disappointments...peace with my aggravations...peace with my shortcomings...peace with my inabilities.

I have never claimed to be perfect...actually I often use myself as the example of how not to live. I try to never...note the word try...use my childhood as an excuse for anything...however anyone who knows even a piece of it knows I am so much more sane than I have any right to be...some of my personality faults are due to the childhood and upbringing I have survived...it makes me less able to deal with things most people would just let go.

As much as I hate to admit it...and that's a lot...I do miss people...some who have chosen to move out of my life...others I chose to remove...I don't miss all of them...but I do miss some...there are times when my ability to remove or "erase" someone from my universe bites me in the ass...they will never know who they are...nor will anyone else, but their are some. I am in a better place at this point in my life than any other time I can remember. Even with the current nasty situation playing itself out...my home and family life couldn't be better...I have most anything I could have ever wanted in life. I feel safe secure loved and content...I know there will always be something to rock the boat, but I know my Mr. Right and I can weather anything thrown in our path. Which is saying a lot for him because I tend to make life a hell of a lot more difficult than it really has to be. I tend to blow things out of proportion. I tend to overreact. I tend to say mean things weather I mean them or not. I seem to be less understanding than most. I tend to forgive less than I should. I tend to dwell on things I should let go.

Yes these and many others are my faults...I see them admit to them and deny to change them...it has taken me 33yrs to become the person I am today. I try to live my life without hurting anyone or anything...I fail at this all the time...but I'm still trying...I try to always take responsibility for my actions...that is often difficult but I figure if I want other people to do it I have to as well. I try to hear people out..weather I agree with what they have to say or not. I try to be understanding when I disagree with someone...I try to agree to disagree...again not an easy task but I try.

As another year goes by I can only seem to be thankful for what I have been blessed with. An amazing and loving husband. A healthy and beautiful daughter. A chosen family I adore. A beautiful home. Friends any woman would be proud to call friends. most of all at the end of ever day I look myself in the mirror and I confront myself with pure absolute honesty...what did I do today to be proud of? What did I do today I'm ashamed of? What could I have been better at? Did I tell the people I needed to that I love them? Was I a good mom today? Was I a good wife today? Was I a good friend today? Was I a good role model today?

I don't always answer these questions like I would prefer...but I am always honest with myself...and others...I figure I'm to old to lie...and I don't have the memory strength to keep up with lies anymore...after all I'm not 75 or 90...but I'm not 22 anymore either.

I am who I am to old to change my personality, but young enough to still know what a good time is. To old to change my way of thinking, but young enough to know other thoughts are just as important or relevant. To old to admit I have more to learn, but young enough to listen closely when a learning opportunity is available. To old to say I know it all...young enough to think on occasion I'm totally right no matter who thinks otherwise. To old not to share, but young enough to still have moments of selfishness. To old to say I didn't know better, but young enough to throw caution to the wind on occasion. To old to say I don't need anyone, but young enough to still think I can do it myself.

I am wise beyond my years...and yet there are times when I feel like a newborn who hasn't seen anything and knows even less. I was forced to be grown long before most...yet when I get the urge I can be the most immature and irresponsible person I know. I have seen and experienced things most people shouldn't and haven't...yet there are times when I am shocked by society.

I guess the most amazing thing about getting another year older is the fact that after all these years...after all my experiences and encounters...people still shock the hell out of me. The human race as a whole and on closer more immediate levels people surprise me all the time...the anger, ignorance, stupidity, denial, selfishness, recklessness,laziness,greed, fear and most of all the simple hurtful manner of them. After all the years I have observed so many humans in so many situations...I am still surprised by how quickly one person will sell another down the river to help themselves.

I've heard many elder people say many times...the most shocking thing they see every day is people hurting each other...I think I get that now...in a million different ways it seems the human race has claimed war on itself...it all seems like some big game...the one who wins is the one who can hurt the most while not getting hurt in the process...and the winner...they get to stand alone...they get to have no one who really cares for them standing with them...they get to say they were the most terrible...the most hurtful...the most uncaring...the most devious...I think my new realization for this year is I don't want to be the winner...I want to be the loser...the one who hurt the fewest...the one who sits at a table surrounded by a ton of people I love and cherish...who love and cherish me...people who I want to be thrilled for in times of joy...people who I hurt for in times of pain...people who do these same things for me...share in my joy and pain...not because they have to, but because they want to be that invested in my life...and the life of my loved one's.

Yes another year has passed...as always I have learned many things this year...more people have come and gone...more relationships have begun and ended...I have discovered more faults with myself as I do every year...I have relearned what it means to love and accept as I do every year...I have learned contentment...as I do every year...I have learned to love myself without demanding more from me...as I do every year. I have learned to love my loved one's without demanding more from them...as I do every year. I have learned to be satisfied with what I have...as I do every year.

I learn them every year because I forget them every year...never for very long...as life has a way of quickly reminding someone of the most important lessons. So as we start another year I am currently in the know of these things...however I know as history has shown I will forget them and one by one be reminded of them all over again.

I think I look forward to relearning life's most precious lessons...after all as long as I relearn them every year I'm still capable of growing and maturing further...and the excitement of not knowing what is coming next is enough reason to look forward to another year with excitement and a sense of wonder, eagerness, trepidation and hopefulness!

So here's to saying goodbye to last year and hello to this new year...here's to hoping and actively making it just as amazing as the past years!

Happy Birthday Monica (Shiimer)! Have a great year!
Laugh often
Love much
Live well
Dance
Sing
Harm none
Forgive
Allow
Let go
Keep
Feel
Be satisfied
Want
Need
Admit
Don't do it all
Do it all
Be
Think
Know
Appreciate
Take for granted
Be nice
Encourage
Live!

An emotional weekend

Wow what a weekend...it was emotional...to say the least!

After this weekend was over I felt all of these...loved, wanted, sexy, appreciated, joy, happiness, nauseous, drunk, excited, proud, lost, young, old, empty, protected, disappointed, disrespected, ditched, unwanted, used and hurt. Most of all blessed!

See I said it was an emotional weekend!

I felt so loved by all my crew...they threw me the most amazing birthday party I've ever had. They made me feel like I was important and wanted. Thanks to my big brother's ability to write his feelings in a card I felt so protected. Thanks to all my crew I felt joy and happiness. There were a couple of times I did feel a little nauseous...only after spinning on the wheel of course!

My amazing husband as always made me feel young and sexy. Of course by the time the late night came around I felt drunk. I was excited all weekend to have everyone around and see baby sister. After I gave her her diamond nose ring I felt she really appreciated it, therefore I felt appreciated in that moment. Baby sister told me sassafrass has a natural talent for music...I felt so proud to hear someone who knows say that!

I felt lost when I couldn't understand why it seemed the kids were not wanting to be with us at all. I mean why would you come to someones house under the guise of wanting to be with them wanting to celebrate both of your birthday's together for the first time, and then just treat their house like it's a flop house I was left feeling used and lied to. I felt so disrespected when the most honored guests took off without saying good bye or telling anyone they were leaving. I felt so unwanted when it was made clear to me our family and myself were not the reason for the visit. As for leaving the party without telling anyone or even saying goodbye or happy birthday or thanks for trying to include us I felt ditched. I felt old when I was told I didn't understand the young and selfish concept....yet it is apparently okay to hurt someone who took the time out to give advice that you asked for...help that you asked for with the young peoples relationship problems. It is okay to hurt someone as long as you have the excuse of being young and selfish to use. It is okay to stand and look an 11yr old in the eye and lie to her...as long as you have the excuse of being young and selfish.

The other thing I felt this weekend was ashamed...I'm ashamed of the irresponsible and immature attitude and what I hope is a temporary personality of someone I love so much. I felt so empty when the realization that I am no more important than any other family member...after being told so many times I was so needed and wanted and helpful and understanding and fun and loved and a favorite.

I had a perfectly fantastic weekend...it had some low moments, but thanks to MY family and my amazing crew...My perfect Mr. Right and my sunshine princess...the lows were minimized and the highs were all I could have wished for!

I know the young have their own lives...I remember being young...it wasn't that long ago. I don't ever remember however using my youth, immaturity, irresponsibility, or selfishness as an excuse to disrespect, use, or HURT the people I claimed to love...the people who had proven time and again that they were there for me...the people who didn't judge me for my choices...the people who I claim I wouldn't know what to do without. No I sit here and search my mind...even now I don't ever recall using my youth, selfishness, or immaturity as an excuse to HURT anyone...and I never used it as a reason to get away with lying to a child.

Either way I'm not young anymore...but I have made my life my own...I have filled it with people I love and people who love me! I have learned as the young have not...the only really important thing in life is family...not money...not drugs...not partying...not sex...not being cool...just FAMILY weather by birth, marriage or choice....FAMILY is the only thing that lasts and losing them leaves a wound that never heals completely...I am so loving my family!

Last but surely not least I felt blessed. After all no matter what happened with the young ones I got to see them...they allowed me a brief glance into their universe...I don't have to like what I saw...but I got to glance. I got the honor of their presence for a moment...and with the young one cannot expect much more.
My family and crew made me feel blessed to know and have each and every one of them...they made me feel blessed to know they would always be there and after so many family fails...I have a family for the future!

My mini me as always makes me feel blessed just by being herself! She was so understanding when she was lied to... though I know she was hurt and disappointed a great deal...she held her head high and simply took a "their loss" attitude! She is simply the most remarkable human being I have ever known.

My Mr. Right always makes me feel proud and blessed he is the love of my life he loves me like no one ever has he is the center of my universe...and one of my two favorite people on the planet.

Yes it was an emotional weekend, but it was unforgettable as well! All in all it was all I could have hoped for and more!

Oh shit moments...or lack of wit...or being average...oh hell make up your own title!

I have a few blogs I follow simply because of the wit they offer...I have cleverly disguised them as scrap booking blogs...or they have disguised them that way. One of my favorites is on vacation at the moment...and her latest blog entry was titled "Oh shit". I knew when the day started I wanted to blog...about what I wasn't sure...I could always fall back on my sentimental crap about life and marriage and motherhood...not that I don't mean every sentimental piece of crap I write about them...I however am beginning to feel I have no wit or sense of humor anymore....I have always dreamed of being one of those women who take 20 or 30 mins out of the day and blogs something so insightful or witty that people I don't even know take notice...truth is...I'm just not that witty....insightful yes I think I have mastered that craft...in the mushy area's anyway, but wit, wit is something that cannot be taught...it's one of those glorious talents your either born with or your not...I unfortunately was not. I try to be witty...believe me I try...it just never seems to work out for me. So taking inspiration from a very witty blogger...I will now blog about "Oh Shit" moments...surely there is some wit to be found there.

Although most of my Oh Shit moments leave me feeling like a failure or incapable...they are not cute Uma Thurman kind of witty moments...they are more like (child screaming) "Mom I can't believe you didn't get me signed up for volleyball in time...and now I can't sign up...I guess I'll be the only one of my friends not playing this year." moments. Of course there's always the other kind of Oh shit moments...like damn I still haven't mailed the girl scout envelope in or holy crap I forgot to pay the gas bill...for the last two months!

Am I being harder on myself than I should? I think not after all I've seen those women in the grocery store looking adorable in their gap capris and stylish lands end short jackets...with the hip at the moment ballet flat slip-on's and the 30 min hair style made to look like it took 5mins and just turned out this cute...while their perfectly behaved covered in limited too and the children's place children quietly follow them around the store holding hands...never whining or complaining or asking for things they can't have. Me...I'm the other woman...the one who's hair is wrapped in a bun because by the time I get a shower at 10:30 at night I'm to tired to bother washing it...I'm the one with the 11yr old arguing about how much sugar really is in cookie crisp cereal...and has the two preschoolers in the cart fighting over who gets to hold the tomato's and complaining because there isn't enough room in the cart for all the groceries and their little bodies...I'm also the woman you can find at 10 at night sitting happily in the recliner eating a piece of carrot cake..bought of course never homemade...only to wake up the next morning to find my pants are a bit snug and curse myself for eating after 8pm.

I would have thought I had outgrown my need to compare myself to these seemingly all together women. I mean I should have gotten over that in high school right? After all the truth is never as good as the fantasy...I mean these so put together women are probably in debt over their heads...buying their in the second fashion's on almost maxed out credit cards...the reason their children are so well behaved and quiet is because she threatened to get rid of the new puppy at home if they so much as breathed to loud in the store...her anger coming of course from the fact that she recently found out her husband is schtooping the woman who works across from him on the line at the factory...at least that's what I tell myself...I'm not bitter about things I don't have...I'm appreciative for what I do...my daughter feels comfortable enough to express her feelings...my marriage is good...no I mean really good...we actually like each other let alone love. I believe I have things some of these women will never know...unfortunately for them.

I crave much sillier things...things I could control...yet constantly do not. For instance I crave truly intellectual conversation with adults you know the kind they make movies about...and yet..I don't follow politics, I rarely watch the news and I have no and I mean no need to hear how someone else feels about my opinion. So due to my own ignorant bliss and immature inability to acknowledge someone may have a different opinion I don't have the conversations with adults like the ones Hollywood makes millions about. I fall under the much more average category of women...Ohhh to be witty...if only I were witty it would give me an edge...not the same as the well dressed "in" crowd of women...but something.

So i sit here on a Tuesday morning in the back yard watching my wards play in the dirt, while my coffee gets cold sitting on the ground and I light up my 3rd...yes 3rd cigarette of the day...told you I was average...someone who was not aware of my amazingly above average talents as a woman would probably describe me as an overweight to loud poorly dressed slightly unaware of the world around her homely housewife....I would be hard pressed to argue...but in my usual tacky way I would no doubt come up with some crude curse filled response that would only accentuate what they were saying by making me look immature and in-articulate. That is one thing I can do well...I can out curse a sailor...not that I usually brag about this note worthy gift of mine...it comes from growing up poor with uneducated parents. Keep in mind none of these snarky politically incorrect comebacks could be considered in any way witty...so there again a fail.

I own my averageness...I believe there has to be a hell of a lot of average people to help make the stunning people look that much better. I think if I had the gift of wit I would still be average...I would just be a more interesting average. As I am though the only really interesting things about me are all the negative one's my abusive childhood and my inability to bear children...both of which I have to admit...are getting old and boring to me...I have never used either as an excuse for anything...well that's not exactly true...sometimes I'll get sad...I'm not sure why but I do...I will cry for no reason...no it's not your average pms...I don't have that anymore...according to the under worked overpaid over educated doctor I pay so much money to every year. I will use the "baby incident" as I call it to explain it...but other than that I have never used either of my misfortunes as an excuse...but I wonder...if I had had a normal...average childhood...would I be witty. Is that what it takes to make wit grow in one...who knows?

Ahhhh the search for wittiness...I may never find it...so I guess I will continue with my crude way of throwing out the occasional zinger and hope perhaps wit will come with age, or experience, or oh hell I don't know...for now I'll keep giving nasty fake smiles to the above average women in the grocery store as I walk by and drop boxes of sugary cereal and 8pack of candy bars into their carts and smile to myself as I walk to my average car and load up my average groceries to return to my average yet comfortable house and family...I will smile because I happen to know that these women are not nearly as above average as they may like to appear...after all they live in a small town in Kansas for crying out loud...not L.A. how fucking above average can they be!

This mean crude nasty thought will get me through the rest of the day with a smile on my face...it may not be the preferred method of self soothing, but then again those of us with out wit must use whatever devices we can including the much loathed yet most popular method of adolescents everywhere...of "I'm better than you because I say so."

THIS WOMAN’S WORK

On August the 1st 1999 at three o’clock in the morning my phone rang. A voice I knew as well as my own responded to my hello. “I know you weren’t going to come till in the morning, but would you come up here now, I don’t want to be alone.” it said. This voice sounded different, I had been hearing it her entire life…yet it wasn’t as familiar as it had always been…there was a tinge of fear, anticipation, worry and excitement in it like I had never heard before. “I’ll be there in about 30mins” was my reply. I got up got dressed, told my husband I was going to the hospital and I left. On the drive to the hospital I had a thousand thoughts running through my head, the most repetitive one being, let it all go smoothly. I arrived at the hospital about a min before a young not bad looking anesthesiologist. He came into the room to administer an epidural. It was the largest needle I had ever seen in my life. I held her head and encouraged her to focus on me as he injected the elixir into her spine. The nurse informed me that now she would be in the room at all times. The three women in the room her, the nurse, and myself began a conversation. No she hadn’t had any difficult contractions yet the epidural was a precautionary method…there was a chance the cervix softener which had been used hours ago would not be enough and they would have to use a drug injected directly into the I.V. to induce hard labor. The small stranger who had yet to breath air outside of the woman’s body was two weeks late. I yawned as the conversation faded into the sounds of machines beeping information and details understood only by the nurse. I began to fall asleep sitting up on the edge of the bed holding her hand. The nurse showed me how the chair in the room folded out to become an uncomfortable excuse for a much to small bed. I was given a pillow and a blanket. I took off my glasses, silently chastising myself for not having thought to put my contacts in, lied back and dozed off.

A little more than an hr later the nurse was calling my name and nudging me gently but insistently. I sat up rubbed my eyes put on my glasses, and looked over to the woman. She looked different, she had small beads of sweat on her forehead and her eyes were closed, her breathing was labored, and every now and then she would take large breaths of air and hold them for just a fraction of a second. She looked over at me…”They were just about to give me the medicine to start labor when the contractions started, they have been getting worse since.” She tells me. I look to the nurse “If there is anyone you want to call you should call them now, there isn’t much time” She informed me. I make two phone calls. Then I make my way over to the bed and wipe her forehead and kiss her and take her hand in mine. Less than 10mins later the room seems to fill magically. As if someone pushed a silent alarm. There were people everywhere all nurses and drs. There was added equipment machines, incubators and a scale. She was instructed to begin pushing. I was joined in the room by her partner, who helped to bring this child into being. I grabbed a leg and began to encourage her to bring the life in her womb to the world. In an instant the bottom half of the bed was taken away, a large plastic bag was put in it’s place and an official looking man in a white coat was sitting on a stool between her thighs. With everyone working together like a well oiled machine, she was encouraged to push, getting only a few seconds of breathing time in between pushes. Finally only about 5mins into what they call “hard labor” I was told to come and look, I was hesitant…after all that’s a hugely messy area. I sucked in all my breath and took a step forward, bent my head and saw a large black circle…”what is that?” I asked “That’s the head” came the answer from somewhere. A level of excitement rose in me like nothing I had ever felt before, “She’s almost here!” I excitedly reported to the woman, as if she had no idea what was going on. Less than a min later I heard a sigh come from this woman unlike any I had ever heard before it felt as if the entire universe sighed with her. Just 10seconds later the child was free from her body. “It’s a girl” someone announced.

As I stood next to her body still holding her leg, while she attempted to finish her woman’s work, I strained to hear the sounds of a new life. There were none. I looked around the room and asked the first set of eyes I met “Is she okay?” No one answered. I was instructed to let her leg go, she was told to relax, her work was done it was all up the dr. now. She began to look curiously around the room as well. “Why isn’t she crying?” she asked no one in particular. We could both see the small body move around the room. Each person she was handed to explored another part of her body and announced their findings to a tall quiet woman in the corner with a pen and chart. When the small, plump, pink and red baby made it’s way to the final machine and nurse, there was some kind of goop placed unceremoniously in both of her eyes, as a cloth was rubbed over her face and head, in that instant a sound began to emerge. A loud piercing instinctual cry filled the room. The woman and I looked at each other with tears in our eyes and our souls raw and open, and smiled.

An hour later, the room is full of family, there is a sense of joy, excitement, wonder and activity in the room. There is also, much harder to detect, a feeling of sadness. She is sitting up in the bed now, after having her body sewn back into place. She was holding the silent, tiny miracle wrapped in a blanket up to her chest. She was touching her fingers and kissing her face. Watching her gently run her fingers over the babies black bunch of hair, I realized I was watching the universe’s ultimate miracle, a child was born, as was a mother. She was lost in the sweet smell, and soft feel of the babies’ skin, hair and breath. There was no talking in the room people were standing around just watching this woman with this brand new helpless life. After what seemed like an eternity, she looks over at me.

“Do you want her?” she asks me. It seems to most like an odd choice of words, Would you like to hold her would have made more sense to most, but then most wouldn’t understand the situation anyway. I walk to the side of the bed. I look her deep in her black eyes. Eyes I have seen and known, it seems, since time began. She asks her question again. “Do you want her?” I lean in close to both of them. “Yes” comes my answer so quiet and weak I could barely hear myself. She looks at the baby again, and then says. “She does everything in her own time, even being born. Don’t rush her. Please take care of her.” She leans towards me and hands me the bundle, I take the small perfect angelic figure in my arms I look past the tiny life she has just placed in my arms and instead I look at the woman sitting before me. I lean in to her ear, “I promise you she will have a better life than we did, I promise you she will want for nothing. Thank you. I love you sissy.” She touches my face and we kiss, we both have tears in our eyes, she leans down kisses the tiny female’s forehead and guides her head as I step back. The monumental figurative and literal meaning of the exchange that has just taken place is lost on no one in the room. I stand back looking at the beautifully perfect child in my arms as I walk slowly to the window. I look out to the bright day outside. I lift the small child to my face, and tell her “welcome to the world, it’s a beautiful place. You will always be safe and loved.” I turn around to look back at the woman. She has changed again, she seems tired now, smaller, quieter and somewhat lost. She smiles at me in a ignorant unknowing way.

The woman is gone. The confused adult child has returned. She is again the same child in a woman’s body I have always known. There was some time there when she was complete…a few brief minuets when she was not confused or immature or lost or mentally incomplete….there was a brief time when she was part of the universe part of something I will never fully understand something I will never feel, an experience I will never have. If only for those few brief moments she was whole, she was everything I had always wanted for her. She was a woman.

Two days later I would take that tiny and perfect human being home, she would be my daughter from that day forward. I would forever be connected to the woman in a special mysterious way only the universe itself could ever comprehend.

That woman was my sister. One of the strongest women I will ever know. She made a sacrifice that day, only a woman could understand the weight of. She made a sacrifice that day not many women would be strong enough to handle. She made a mother where there wasn’t one before.

My daughter is 11yrs old today. I will cherish and revel in her existence today, I will also remember the reason she is here, the reason I’ve had the last 11yrs. I will remember the sacrifice made for her, by her Aunt Toni. I will remember the promise I made. I will remember to send a ball of appreciative and loving energy to my sister. I will remember to thank the universe.

I will remember the circumstances in which I became a mother and in which a mother became an Aunt, circumstances in which a female child was entrusted from one sister to another, and the ultimate sacrifice was made when this woman’s work was done.


Monica Turner
August 1st 2010

Exhaustion

I have learned...usually the hard way like everything else...that exhaustion true raw real exhaustion comes in lots of forms. For instance, you can be physically exhausted, you can be mentally exhausted, you can exhaust your patience, you can exhaust your vocal ability, you can even exhaust yourself emotionally, not to mention you can exhaust your welcome, your credit card, or even your hairstyle.

As a woman, it is my belief women spend a great part of our lives exhausted in one form or another. We exhaust ourselves repeatedly telling everything to our children at least a few billion time's in their lives. We exhaust ourselves telling small white lies no one ever knows about and keeping them straight..."yes I would love to help you move...No I don't think he's weird at all...no I completely understand why you have to ditch lunch with me to hang out with someone you think is cooler...yes dear I'm totally into sex tonight...I absolutely think I'm the sexiest woman alive...of course my children are the smartest, funniest, best looking people on the planet...I could go on and on.

We exhaust ourselves volunteering for every extra curricular activity our children may choose to engage in scouts, music lessons, sports. We exhaust ourselves trying to be there for our friends through all their drama with children and significant others...even when sometimes we have our own issues. We exhaust our emotions both where our children and our husbands are concerned. We exhaust ourselves physically keeping up with our children, husband, house, and selves, after all the hair the shaving the makeup the exercise...doesn't all do itself. Yes it is my belief that in some way or another women are always exhausted.

I can't speak for all kinds of women...as for myself I can say I honestly and sincerely don't ever remember knowing someone had my back, like I could just let go...like I could just relax and let someone else take over...I don't know if it's a lack of trust or just a control issue...prolly both...I said I was exhausted not simple. Or if perhaps it's just because every time I've tried that I always got the inevitable "Can you..or We need you...or Will you just.."

Ahhh to the point...I have the feeling lately...I am exhausted in all cases and then some. I feel as if no matter what I do or how hard I try...there's always more...and it's just waiting for me to get around to it. Mostly because there's no one else to do it. I do think I am my own worst enemy though...I mean if a magic bean grew into another me...well perhaps a thinner better looking me with a great tan...would I allow her to assist...would I give up some of the need to control everything...would I trust she could handle it the best way possible with an even tempered head and a professional manner...or would I simply let her relax on a tropical beach somewhere while I convinced myself I have to do it all myself?

I honestly don't know...I do know I'm exhausted...mentally, physically, emotionally, verbally...and any other ally...you can think of.

Well that's enough complaining for now...I have to finish the laundry and pack for the lake and do the nightly picking up in preparation for tomorrow. Then I need to get a shower and watch my show and go to bed...so I can rest up for the next day's exhaustion.

Lake weekend 2 2010

Here are some pics from this weekend!

Farewell Willow.

I had gotten up way to early it was about 4am...I was not having an enjoyable sleep...due to some nasty mesquito bites and other things...I finally made it back to bed just as the intense..."I'm up way to early and still really sleepy" feeling hit me. About 15 mins after I went back to bed we heard a bang and then what sounded like a train...we both said "What the hell was that"? After checking on Shy who at that min was still sleeping. We grabbed a couple of cigs and headed out to see what happened. I knew before we went out it was the willow tree. It sounded like it was going to come through the roof over our bedroom...sure enough it was the willow tree...unfortunately all the love and care we have been showering on her since we moved in are for not. She was literally uprooted from the ground...Now the work begins...we have to get her down...were hoping to use whats left of her for fire wood this winter. I am truly saddened by this. I adored that tree...She was so large and beautiful. So now the clean up.

A great weekend!

This Sat was National Scrap Booking Day! I was so excited to jump into a ton of challenges and hopefully win some really great prizes! L & B came down and even though Shy was in a bit of trouble due to some bad choices made earlier in the week they all went fishing. They just went to a small pond here in town. Everyone caught something...including Shy who caught her first fish!! I was so excited for her...I was a little disapointed that I missed it. I however got so much scrapping done and I am thrilled with the way my lo's and cards turned out! I haven't won anything yet, but some of the sites I play at are having week and month long challenges. So I'm hopeful I will have some great RAK's headed my way soon! Here's a pic of Shy with her fish. It was a wonderful weekend! Which is wonderful because Big Daddy heads out of town again Monday.

Yet another heartbreakingly glorious moment in motherhood

It took me a full 24hrs and a couple of stiff drinks to get to the point of blogging about this.

Saturday afternoon mini-me called me into the bathroom...nothing unusual believe me...I go in and she says to me "there's stuff in my underwear" I take a look and sure enough good ol' Aunt Flo has made her first appearance in my young princess's life.

Now some of you will take what I'm about to say as simply another weepy woman talking about her children and if you choose to think of it this way that is your prerogative, (however insensitive it may be) Some of you will read what I say here and perhaps tear a bit as you look at your own young - perhaps younger than my - princess. Either way this is what went through my mind.

It's over...
It's time to start the yelling
It's time to start the mood swings
It's time to start the cycle shifts
It's time to start the walking around town alone
It's time to start the going to the mall with friends
It's time to start the dating
It's time to start the shaving
It's time to start the "You as my mother know nothing"
It's time to start the "I hate you"
It's time to start the slamming doors
It's time to start the lying
It's time to start the sneaking out
It's time to start the "can I borrow the car"

Please don't misunderstand my young princess isn't old enough to really do any of these things yet...but as a mother my mind told me that after this landmark event it all just speeds by...she will be a teenager in the blink of an eye she will be gone from home in the time it takes to breath deep and feel.

I have known for years -as has anyone who has known me- I am over everything in parenting Over protective, over bearing, over attentive, over everything...that's what happens when you are not blessed with the ability to procreate to your hearts content. I take to many pictures, I watch more closely, I covet more strongly, I am more lenient - much to my own dismay - I am an enabler.

So this event marked yet another reason to ponder in deep thought and agonizing painful realizations and rationalizations necessary for my own minds self preservation.

So I cried and smiled and made this seemingly small life detail into a huge one. I am not yet ready for her to be a young lady...if only I could be stingy just a year or two more. No then I would only want more...My grandma told me about having children they would be the biggest heartache of my life..."they will give you more love, more joy, more reason to be a good human being...but they will be the biggest heartache of your life...no living creature will ever hurt you more with out really wanting or trying to...the simple act of sending a child off to school for the first time will become a soul scarring event." Grandma knew what she was talking about...this amazingly beautiful soul has torn my heart out since she took her first breath and didn't make a sound...I should have known then I was in over my head...

Some people believe women to be a weaker sex...I have no muscles at all lifting a gallon of milk strains my overly fat desperately lacking in muscle body. However my heart my soul my very inner being has been tortured battered beaten and betrayed by this stunningly beautiful little girl her entire life...I as do all mothers in my opinion have not only weathered and prevailed to continue on this path of motherhood I have done so with a smile and an immeasurable sense of joy and blessing. That is strength.

So like the first day of school the first sleepover the first school program. I will look on with pride I will be in awe at my daughters strength poise and class. I will wallow in the sadness of this time. I will revel in the joy. I will be a mother and feel 500 different things all kept quietly to myself...all kept at bay from overwhelming my inner being...all this while going about life in the usual manner. I am a mother...I am the mother of a young lady...growing into a woman.

A weekend at the lake...warning picture heavy blog!

BigDaddy's birthday was last Monday....the only thing he wanted was to go to the lake...now while I think April is a bit early in the season to be camping, BigDaddy's wish is my command. So we went to wally world and let BigDaddy go nuts buying camping and fishing supplies. By Friday when BigDaddy got off work early he was like a kid on Christmas morning...it almost killed him that he had to wait for mini-me to get out of school so we could leave. Conversation with BigDaddy
BigDaddy: "We should just go get her out of school a little bit early"
Me: "We don't have a good excuse to get her out of school early"
BigDaddy: "Yes we do, were going to the lake!"
Silly BigDaddy, he had to wait till after 3:30...you would have thought we were never going to leave the way he acted. it was really adorable how excited he was! We did leave and got to the lake about 5. To say we had an amazing weekend would be an understatement! Here are some pics and little stories to share.




Apparently I caught mini-me off guard with this photo, I love the look on her face! She's squinting out the sun...her skin is beautifully sun kissed! She looks like she's asking me a question!



This is BigDaddy, getting the fishing poles ready for fishing...J cheesing it up!



I thought the water was way to cold for swimming, however the girls didn't let that stop them from enjoying the lake!!



Kyler fishing...note the potato chips in his hand...the boy is never without food, I've always heard this about teenage boys...turns out it's true...it was so awesome to spend some time with him! Isn't he adorable!



B n BigDaddy fishing! They didn't catch anything all weekend...no one even had a bite! It was disappointing however even the lack of fish couldn't ruin our weekend!



J and B...they are so cute! I was uber glad they could come down for the weekend!



Me n K....this kid is adorable!!




Kodi...getting the stick...he thought the water was a bit cold so he didn't swim much, he did like to lay in the shallow end though.



Are these girls the coolest cutest Kansas lake babes ever or what!!





A couple of pics of my nasty mark left from my battle with the manhole, believe it or not I was totally sober...there was no alcohol this weekend...so I can't even call it a "drunk bump". It was just typical clumsy Monica! L thought this was hilarious when it happened...I can just imagine watching me fall on my butt was...I so wanted to laugh when it happened...unfortunately I could only cry...it hurt so bad..still does!


I love this pic of BigDaddy...mini-me took this one..I think...I love his goofy expression...he looks like that all the time at home! ;)


This is my new favorite pic of me and my Mr. Right! I love everything about this pic!



Me n Baby sista!!



Playing catch...it was so cool for mini-me to get some play time with the big kids...she played catch with all three of them!!


I forgot smore's stuff, thank goodness L remembered!! You can't tell it, but we were all really excited to make smore's and they were way yummy good!


This was our last day...everyone was packing up to go...B n L's Tent was right behind where were sitting it was already packed away! My poor mini-me was suffering from an upset tummy and had spent the last hour in the Tahoe...I made her get up and come sit for the picture...Like she always is, my girl was a trooper and even smiled for the pic...then went back to the Tahoe...she was fine after we got home. It was her first real big weekend lake trip...I think she was just "laked" out! I made a point to ask everyone if they had a good enough time to do it again...everyone said yes...so I'm sure there will be a ton more lake trips this summer...I just hope they all live up to the standards set by this one...it really had all the ingredients of a perfect weekend, fishing, swimming, fire, smore's, friends, family, dogs, kids, good food, a few sunburns, a few scrapes n bruises...I mean it was the perfect weekend! It was also a wonderful way to celebrate my Mr. Right's birthday!

A stolen Friday

Last Friday Shy was out of school for the Easter Holiday. BigDaddy got all the way to the job site and was then sent home due to rain so.... we stole a Friday!

BigDaddy spent a couple of hours in the garage working on my scraproom desk
Shy jumped on her trampoline trying to perfect a "flippie"
I cleaned up around the house....we stole a Friday

After we finished our own little projects we came
together for a game of horseshoes, won by BigDaddy...of course
We stole a Friday

A conversation between BigDaddy and Shy
BigDaddy (digging something up out of the back yard

Shy: What is that?
BigDaddy: It's a marble...a toy children would play with when they played outside all day
Shy: Can I have it?
BigDaddy: You can't have it, children who played with this played outside all day...you barely come outside for a couple of hours.
Shy: Yes I will
BigDaddy: You will play outside for a few hours?
Shy: Yes
BigDaddy: Okay, here you go

We stole a Friday


About a hour later Shy went in the house back to video games...BigDaddy and myself were still outside soaking up the beautiful day, so BigDaddy went inside and brought her back out...she stayed outside the rest of the afternoon and was happy about it! BigDaddy's influence is being felt, appreciated, and most certainly needed...all because...

We stole a Friday!

Spring Break 2010

I am finally getting around to blogging about our Spring Break!

It was a phenomenal trip! Everyone had a wonderful time, I just loved that it was so family friendly! My original plan was to go through the trip by each individual day, however now all the fun and laughs and learning about each other seem to flow together so effortlessly I don't remember what day everything happened...so here are a few of my favorite bits and pieces!

I slept almost the entire trip down...I believe I was awake for about an hour when we get to the Texas state line...little did I realize the long part of the trip was ahead. After a super long sleep I was ready so, though it was a long drive I was glad I was awake to see it! The Texas pride is a trip...I mean you can hardly find American flag (there are a lot of them) where you don't see a Texas flag just as large and beautiful!

So first story....We were an entire day early! I know how rude can people be! I neglected to call and tell G.G. when Chet decided to leave a day early hence getting there a day early. So when we got the e-mail from her saying why didn't you tell me you were coming a day early? I was needless to say freaking out! I told Chet see I've already upset her were going home turn around! I e-mailed Gigi back and told her we would just stay in a hotel for that night. The e-mail I was then sent was a definite...Get your butts here! So we headed of to Palestine lake...a day early!

After a delicious dinner at the Purple Pig...yes the Purple Pig...the food was amazing, we went back to the house and settled in for the night.

The rest of the week was a blur of laughing, talking, shopping, learning, eating, and just simple enjoyment of the people around us! Gigi, had an opportunity to really get to know each other, she really is a remarkable woman, and I look forward to many more talks and stories and toddies! And squirrels...big, mutiny planning, toddy drinking squirrels, they really are a bit of a hazard those little buggers!


Chet got plenty of time to spend with grandpa, as grandpa has taken up smoking cigars(much to G.G's dismay)...he spends a lot of time in the garage...him and Chet found little projects all week to amuse themselves! it was adorable!

One afternoon after Gigi, Shy and I had a full day of shopping and having a fabulous Chinese lunch when we got back to the house Shy seemed to be bored with Gigi and I as we chatted away and began to start dinner. Then Gigi suggested if Shy went and talked to grandpa he could find her a bike to ride. So she decided to head over to the garage and see the boys....a few minutes later she appeared in the window from the kitchen to be driving a small vehicle of some sort...it was confusing at first. After a trip to the bedroom to grab my camera, Gigi and I went outside and sure enough our little mini-me was driving the "tractor" it's actually just a riding lawnmower! Shy however didn't seem to car what it was called...she was having a blast! So much fun in fact that Gigi and I had time to run to the store...Chet wanted a cigar as well! I just have to say I found Papa and G.G. adorable both of them I just wanted to fold them up in my suitcase and bring them home with me!

After a wonderful visit with Papa and Gigi, we headed over to Lisa and James's house...I say head over it was actually quite the drive! We made it though and of course had a wonderful time! Lisa is absolutely adorable! She was also kind enough to take some family pics of us...they turned out amazing, of course, and I for one was so appreciative! We all went to the lake, and let the kids play in the sand, we all had dinner out together one night, We headed out to a state park one afternoon and then ended up in a little town that had a great archery and gun stock, so the boys looked around for awhile, and Lisa and Shy took a walk down the street taking pictures! These pics as well turned out beautiful! I stayed outside by the Tahoe, the baby was in the truck sleeping. It was wonderful to see everyone, and spend some time together!

This story for the trip home is a bit more harrowing, we left much later than we had intended. Getting our new tattoo's took way longer than we anticipated! Anyway it was raining when we got to the north side of Ft. Worth. I took over driving when we got into Almead Ok. I was just cruising along my only instructions being just stay on I-35 North, it will take you all the way through to Mulvane. So I'm driving, by the time we got to the north side of OK City, snow was coming down heavy. We drove by a piece of road that had two cars in the ditch on one side and a banged up car on the other, all with wreckers trying to get them out. Then we needed to stop for gas so we wouldn't have to stop again before home. The Shell station we tried to stop at was closed. Before we left the handy dandy not so bright girl at the bank suggested the best way to take a lot of cash on a trip was to use a prepaid visa gift card...hmmm she will be getting a piece of my mind when next I see her...anyway it turns out the only thing you can do with these things are make purchases...however you can't get cash at an atm and you can't use it for pay at the pump gas! Now keep in mind this is cash we have in the bank that we put on this card and can not get to! I was irate. Thank goodness we planned for a few small emergencies, and as this was the only one, we were fine. It was to say the least an annoyance. The rest of the trip home was slow, most of the time going only 30 or 40 mph, on the interstate. However as I said before we had a most amazing time, it is most certainly a trip we will be taking again in the near future!

Be back soon Be well!!

For My Girls!!

So Funny I had to share it! All original.




This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the viole nt urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . .
Wendi Aarons
Austin , T X

Family fun night!

We had an awesome family fun night! It was such a beautiful night, and on Weds afternoon Shy came home with a note from the school about a family movie night in the high school auditorium...the idea of a cold slice of pizza overpriced bottled water, and a cheesy family movie with 75 or 80 other people, just didn't sound like a good way for all of us to enjoy a perfect long overdue family night. I told Shy..."If I can come up with something more fun than that for us to do will you not be upset about not going to this?" She agreed, so we let her vote and she chose what we did tonight! We ate at this amazing Mongolian BBQ place...Then headed over to All Star Sports to play in the Arcade and Play some mini golf! We finished the evening off with a quick drive thru to Dairy Queen, to grab an ice cream cone! I've set up a slide and put some new pics on flickr! I choose a greenday song because Shy is really into greenday right now!

Finally....the rest of the story!

I have been eagerly awaiting the posting of this blog for literally months now. Some of you have e-mailed or facebooked me wondering what the deal is with Mr. Right adopting mini-me, so here goes the whole lengthy story. For those of you that have heard it all you may just want to skip this blog entry!

So it all started a in early October....it may have been September, I didn't write down the dates of such events, and I'm horrible with time, so if the time's don't match up please forgive me. Any way sometime in Sept. or Oct. mini-me came home from her....hmmm we'll call him "Bozo" so she came home from Bozo's very upset. She was crying and I was irate....this was not the first time this had happened....as the universe would have it, this would be the Last time this happened. After calming her down and alerting Mr. Right we had a problem we sat and talked with her. She was not immediately forthcoming, she was scared Bozo would get in trouble if she told what had happened, so when the story came out this is what happened. Mini-me went to Bozo's house for the evening as usual she hadn't been staying the night with him during the week for quite awhile due to a new job he had, she was just going there after school and then coming home after dinner. Apparently this particular evening Bozo decided to make mini-me sit by herself at the kitchen table to eat her dinner while the rest of his "new family" and himself all ate in the living room together. Mini-me was mortified. Any one who knows her knows she is a very sensitive little person, therefore it reason's this would upset her.

As we were talking to her she used "feeling" words I had never heard her use. I began to wonder where she had picked them up. She said things like, I feel like I don't belong there, like I'm not wanted, like I'm in the way, like I'm not part of the family. I being the mom I am was infuriated, thanks to my amazing Mr. Right however, I did not have the explosive blowout with Bozo I am famous for. We called him and asked him to stop by after we put mini-me to bed. He said she was doing her homework at the table so he just told her to stay there and eat, he did not mean to make her feel "left out". I explained that he had made her feel that way, he then said perhaps she shouldn't come to his house in the evenings anymore. We agreed. Fast forward a couple of weeks to Halloween, it was Bozo's year to take her around for the annual "candy gathering" Mr. Right and I got her all ready make-up and all (She was Cleopatra) and had her ready to go when Bozo got here. We decided since they would be gone for awhile we would go have some dinner and then meet them back at the house. I texted Bozo and let him know where we were eating in case he needed to get a hold of us for some reason, thinking to myself the whole time, they won't be back until after dark. After all there is the walking to all the businesses downtown and then the knocking on doors after. So Mr. Right and I headed to dinner. No less than 30mins after we had watched Bozo and mini-me walk off towards downtown did he show up at the restaurant we were having dinner at. He dropped of mini-me and drove off....no reason why, no asking if he could take her around to other houses....he didn't even wait to make sure she found us in the restaurant. Again I was infuriated, here was the opportunity to spend some time with his child alone, just the two of them to catch up and mend some fences. Yet in less than an hour he had done what he says was his "fatherly duty" and was off to his "new family". Mini-me was again very upset...she said she had asked him to take her to some houses and to the park, all he said was "ask your mom to take you". Mr. Right and I decided it was more important for us to make sure our mini-me had a wonderful night than to fight about the pathetic choices Bozo made. So we took our girl around to some houses and to the park. In the park she found some friends to run around with while we were, talking with some friends of ours, after all small town Halloween night you tend to run into a lot of people you know and haven't seen in awhile. So when the night was over and mini-me had been properly de-cleopatraed...I know it's not a word...but it's the action! lol We all settled down and watched a movie till she fell asleep and then Mr. Right and I had a long talk, we decided I could no longer try to tell Bozo how to be a father, I had been giving him clues, and more than once Mr. Right and I had given him the tools to attempt to be a better father, obviously all to no avail. So we agreed I wouldn't even talk to him about it.

I believe it was about two weeks later when the letter arrived. There was a knock on the door, I answered it, it was the mail person, I thought it was one of my scrap winnings packages...alas that would have been a pleasant experience. No this was a certified letter, from Bozo saying simply "I have talked to a lawyer who says to give up all my rights as a father you have to file adoption papers and I will sign them. Do not call or text me, I will not answer." Needless to say I was in shock. My first thought was how exactly does someone call themselves a father for 10 yrs and then wake up one day and decide they don't want to be one anymore? How does one just walk away from a child as if it's a dog they are giving away? I won't get into what I was feeling or the words I was yelling as I walked around the house trying to find something to distract my mind with. Later that evening I showed the letter to Mr. Right and we got a chance to discuss it after mini-me went to bed. It was decided at that point I would call our lawyer and get his advice. I did so the next day...of course it was a few days before he got back to me. Once he did he explained we basically had two choices, Mr. Right could adopt her, or I could go to court argue and slam Bozo with a huge child support payment every month...each choice had it's own pros and con's...after all I didn't know if Mr. Right wanted to adopt mini-me...we had never discussed it, he was as much a dad as he could be he knew what she was doing in school knew her teacher's knew her friends paid for her and carried insurance on her for the last two years...as far as the definition of dad he fit it so much more than Bozo did, but adoption is a whole different ball game. On the other hand if Bozo had to pay child support mini-me would be forced to continue seeing him and being at his house. Which she had expressed during the talk about the dinner incident she no longer wanted to do.

Now we all know I live and breath for my family, my mini-me is my breath of life and my Mr. Right is my heart, so I am slightly ashamed to admit, I was a bit scared to talk to him that evening about what the lawyer had said. I won't go into detail here about our conversation, I will say we decided it was ultimately mini-me's choice. I am not a fan of leaving huge life altering decisions to young children, however this was a situation where I just could not in good conscience make this choice with out knowing how she felt. So we showed her the letter, and told her what it meant and explained to her the choices and then told her she didn't have to choose what to do now she could think about it for awhile, we explained once she made the choice she couldn't change her mind. We explained the details of what each choice would mean in the long run and immediately. She took no time at all and through her tear stained face and red puffy eyes said clearly "I want BigDaddy to adopt me" I didn't want to get to excited after all when she looked at Mr. Right I knew he could always say no. Of course that was not his response, his response was something like "I would love to."

It took a lot longer to get all the paperwork and things together than we had hoped. We were hoping to have it all done in court before the first of the year. However as I said it took a bit longer. There were many conversations and questions from mini-me in the weeks preceding the proceedings, she had questions about Bozo, and BigDaddy. She was always very excited that her name would be changed and her name would match ours. The closer the actual date got, the more nervous I got, the more excited she became...needless to say it did this mother's heart good to know she was not only wanting this change, but that she was eager for it. She began to write her "new" last name on her school papers in Jan. It was adorable when I asked her why she was writing it she said "she was practicing and getting everyone else used to it." The weekend before we went to court she had a sleepover. I had purchased a few different iron-on's and a t-shirt for each girl so they could make their own shirts...mini-me made the cutest shirt just a Celtic cross on the front and on the back "Miss Turner" it really made me smile...and I dare say it made Mr. Right pretty happy as well.

Finally it was the big day! We got up early and got ready we went to Wellington and had breakfast...which was really good though I don't know if I tasted much of it. Then off to the courthouse to do the deed. We went into the courtroom and I sat on the first bench behind the lawyers tables. Mini-me and Mr. Right and the lawyer sat at the tables, the judge spoke to mini-me asked her what grade she was in and if she was excited, she spoke to him though it was at a bit lower volume level than normal. Mr. Right was asked to take the stand and about 5 mins later the judge and the court reporter were saying congratulations! I would have cried, but the looks on Mr. Right and mini-me's face was of elation and all I could feel was happy...I took a couple of photo's of the two of them in the hallway while we were waiting for copies of the decree.

Later that night after Mr. Right was unexpectedly called away to help a friend in need. I was putting mini-me to bed, she said "Mom I'm really tired tonight" I replied "I bet you are it's not everyday a girl gets a dad" She smiled really big and said "I got the best dad to" fighting back a tear and a heart so full it had to weigh a thousand pounds I said "Yes you did princess, yes you did" then I told her again I love you night night, walked into the hall closing the door behind me and taking a deep breath....all the feelings I had been feeling over everything in last few months blew away with that breath...a sense of peace and calm came over me I sent a huge thank you out to the universe.

So this is how it all happened, this is how mini-me became a Turner. This is how our once blended family became just a family. This is how a mother got just for a second the luxury of knowing her child was okay. This is how a man got a second chance at being a father. This is how the Turner family became one. This is just one more chapter in what I'm sure will be the great American novel that is our life...Our Family!

I just want to end this blog by saying some of our friends and family knew all along what was going on. Some of them know more of the horrible way mini-me was treated by Bozo, please don't misunderstand I am not letting any of it slide by...I just chose to "focus on the joy of the situation". To those friends and family I must send out a huge thank you! We can never tell you all how much your support and love and kindness has meant to us! We love all of you!

Until next time Be well!

Still coming to terms with who I am!

I have been wanting to sit down and type up this blog for awhile now...however I have been avoiding it, for reason's that will become clear later. I had the rare, but always welcome and wonderful treat of having a long conversation with my bestie recently. Actually it was almost a month ago, but you get the idea. Between family, work, kids, and life in general it's not very often that we get to sit and have a long heart to heart. So this particular evening was a treat for both of us.

We, both being mothers, always talk about the children. We also end up talking about my Mr. Right, and her love interest. On this particular night however there was one subject in particular, I want to relate to you. I was complaining about something, no doubt I have absolutely no reason to complain about anything, being a woman however I can always find something! So I'm complaining about something or someone, and my bestie looks at me and says "Monica not everyone has the ability to just cut someone out of their life". Now I sat for a min and thought about this... Surely this statement, can't be true. Don't get me wrong I have heard many things about myself that I don't like to hear, but I have to admit to them...mostly 'cause they happen to be true. For instance I have often heard I'm loud...this is unfortunately true, I've heard I can be harsh with my opinion...also true, I've also heard I can be highly unforgiving...alas another truth. So I am not one of those people who has these bad habits, and refuses to see herself for what she really is. I see myself, and though it may not seem like it, I am striving to be a better person. This bit of information, I was apparently not ready to hear.

Now I just want to explain, there aren't many people in the world I will hear unfavorable truths from, my husband, my daughter, and my bestie are pretty much it. So I think it made it a bit harder to hear because it was she that said it.

So, we finished our conversation and I went home, with this nagging thought in the back of my head the entire time. Fast forward a week or more later, my Mr. Right, as I like to refer to him, and I were having a conversation. It was a deep and in depth conversation, some how it came back around to what my bestie had said. I told him I had never thought of it the way she put it and I was sure it wasn't to the degree she had implied it was. Then my amazingly wonderful Mr. Right said "Name one person who has ever broken your heart, that is still around. You have a way of erasing people from your life." I literally sat with my mouth agape. I mean two different people in just a couple of weeks both make the same observation about a personality defect I have, one that I guess I just never saw as a negative.

I guess I just thought that's what you were supposed to do, someone hurts you, you just make them go away...you just make them disappear. You move forward with your life, you don't forget, you just move forward allowing time to take care of the pain and my memories to give me the needed comfort of the missing friend, mother, dad, sister, brother, boyfriend, grandparent or other missing element. I never thought of it in the harsh light it is taken as. I have experienced this on the other end, as well. I have been erased. I have been removed from some one's life to the point of barely being recognized when we happen to run into each other. I know what it feels like. It doesn't feel any better from either side. I guess the idea that you just fight it out with someone and make it through the difficulty never dawned on me.

It's not as if I have a constant revolving door of people that come and get "erased" out of my life. I think I will let someone hurt me, until I just won't anymore. I have always had the theory that a woman will take something for so long then she just won't take it anymore. I feel I live that theory. People who have disappeared or been "erased" by me have had numerous opportunities to redeem themselves. Weather they didn't succeed or just didn't want to or did redeem themselves, just to make the same mistakes over, I feel I can only let someone break my heart so many times. The definition of insanity is: Repeating the same action over and over again expecting different results. Therefore it stands to reason that a person who hurts you repeatedly probably will continue to do so for as long as you will allow them to. If one accepts the previously mentioned reasoning as common sense then the only option to stop the "insanity" is to cut all ties with the person doing the hurting if for no other reason than self preservation.

Please don't misunderstand I am not trying to justify my choices, or actions, nor am I trying to apologize for my actions or behavior, I believe I am just trying to help others to explain why I do the things I do. I hate the idea that someone would hesitate to be my friend or get close to me for fear of becoming the next "victim" of my need to eliminate people. I want to make it clear it's not a need it's just a way I protect myself from being destroyed due to the callous handling of my love, affection, or friendship by someone. I have been saying for years I am the strongest woman I know. Part of that, in my opinion, is having the ability to know as well as to act when, for my own survival and happiness, I have to remove a cancerous negativity from my life. I am not saying it's something I'm proud of, however I do think it speaks volumes to my need to be surrounded by positivity and people who are in my corner cheering for me not cutting me down at every given opportunity, or telling me how I will never be capable of anything more than what I can do or am at this moment.

So to wrap up my rant, yes I do tend to put an expiration date on people who choose to be negative or get a thrill when someone else is down and they can laugh or use it to their advantage. I am not saying I am the most wonderful person or friend in the world, 'cause believe me I'm not. I do strive though everyday to be a better person, mother, wife and friend. I am by no means any where near where I would love to be one day. I do believe that all I can do is keep trying and hope that one day I will be the woman I hope to become, one that my daughter will be proud to call her mom...one that my husband will be proud to call his wife...most importantly one that I will be proud to call myself.