On my birthday.

It's my birthday, and like always on my birthday, my mother comes to mind. I don't know if it's normal, but I know it's what always happens to me on this day. I wonder if she thinks of it. I wonder if she wakes up in the morning and goes about her morning routine, then looks at her calender or computer or phone, and realizes what day it is. I wonder if she reminisces about what happened 32 years ago today. I wonder if she remembers how scared she was, how young she was, how ignorant she was. I wonder if she remembers the time, weight, length, color, and general look of me. I wonder if she remembers the fight over my name. I wonder if she thinks back and remembers my grandmother being the first to hold me, much to her disgust as I heard it, I wonder if she remembers that I was the first. The first of four. I wonder if she gets sad and thinks about who I am and where I am, if she regrets any of her choices that led her to miss my birthdays. I wonder if she could go back in time and change things if she would.

Would she still have me? Would she still choose him? Would she still have given me up? Would she still have cast me away? Would she still have kept me no closer than arms length? I wonder if she ever felt as I do as a mother. I wonder what she must have thought when she held me for the first time. I wonder if she cried when I was born. I wonder.....who she was then....and if I will ever know who she has been at any time in her life. My mother is 18 years older than me. There was a time in my life when 18 years seemed like a lifetime. Now, though it doesn't seem that far away from me. My mother said she was proud of me two times in my life, the most important of these was when I turned 18, she said she was proud because when she turned 18 she had me. She said she was proud because I had not made the same mistakes.

I have indeed lived most of my life, as I believe most women do, trying to become something so far from anything my mother ever was. I wonder if I did it. I have craved a deep female bond with women my entire life, one that has eluded me, I blame this insatiable need on her. Perhaps if she had bonded with me I wouldn't crave it so much. I have tried for this most glamorous (in my mind anyway) relationship so many times and have failed miserably, I have resigned myself to wait until my daughter is old enough to have that bond with her. On this day so much more than others I think of my mother....my weak, ignorant, stupid, petty, beaten down, spiritless, meek, unhappy, confused, taken for granted mother. I am none of these things....I hope.....I have become a strong, intelligent, independent, happy, aware, loved and cherished woman.

I believe I have become who my mother should have been. I fear only weak women can grow, these kinds of women, I fear my daughter will be weak. I fear all the strength of all the women from so many generations back has all accumulated into me as one person, I hope I give my daughter this strength, of mind, spirit, body, and constitution. I wonder if my mother misses me. I wonder if she still worries about me, if she still stops on cool fall afternoons and whispers my name in the air. I wonder if she tears up at the thought that she will never truly know the woman I have become, or if she believes no matter what I will be alright, and comforts herself with this belief. I tear up knowing I will never know the woman she was, is or will be. I wonder if she knows she had more to do with the woman I am today than she realizes. I wonder if she knows and takes comfort in the fact that I am the woman I am. I wonder if she always knew I would be leaving, if she always knew in that strange magical way mothers do, that I was a shooting star in her life, that I would only be hers and with her for a short while. Yes, on this day more than any other, I think about my mother, my beautiful, innocent, hurt, disregarded, gentle, elegant mother.

I wonder.....I wonder if she wonders about me.

How we've been!

Whew....to say it's been a bit busy lately would be an understatement. We have litterally been running every which way for months now! Let me see if I can put it all together and catch everyone up
Ok, so the move began on August 9th....I know this exact date because it was our wedding anniversary, and we got the keys to our new house that same sunday! I was uber excited that the two dates were the same it just helps make the celebration of both simpler and convienent. I am truly thankful we made it through the move. There was a few times when dh and I were at each other's throats I got kinda worried we weren't gonna make it out alive! However I am happy to report we are back to good....better than good were, believe it or not, even happier than we were before the move! Nothing like a small family disastrous event that ends in a happy ending to put everything back into perspective!

So once the move was behind us and the worst thing looming was the unpacking....which by the way I have still not technically finished....Life began to take a new and exciting twist! It seemed before we moved that we didn't have much of a social life. Well we did we just didn't commit to it! When we moved into the new house I told the dh I wanted to turn over a couple of new leaves....I really don't understand what that means, but I said it anyway. I told him I wanted to keep the house cleaner, I told him I wanted to become more spiritual, I wanted to have more game nights with dd, I wanted to be more socially active, I wanted to keep in better contact with our friends, I wanted to go out more, basically I wanted to improve our quality of life and try to enjoy it more, put into action the "work hard play hard" moto.

Even now sitting here, I'm unsure of what action we might have taken to put any of this into effect, perhaps just saying it's what we wanted was enough just that little bit put into the universe was all we needed to make the "new leaves" turn over. Perhaps it is this house which I have always claimed has such a comfortable inviting, warm homey feel to it, either way things began to happen. We had more visitors the first week we were moving in than we did the entire time we lived at the other house. We have some guests we expected some we were just to eager to wait to show and some that were a surprise even to us. It's not just that they visited it was the time spent and the feeling while they were here. We have also meet some really wonderful new friends as of late....some we made just before we moved some we have made since we moved. Some we met before, but have become closer with since! We have reinforced strong relationships to make them stronger as well.

I have put forth massive effort and our house, although not always "spotless" per say is consistently visitor ready. I am never more than a quick 5 min pickup away from having things in a non embarassing order. That has been wonderful for everyone's mood and continuing enthusiasm and excitement about the house! I have also noticed an obvious effort on the part of my family to assist me in the day to day maintenance of the house...I can't begin to tell you how wonderful that has been for me.

We have made wonderful strides in our spirituality learning and working more and better towards making it a part of everyday life. We have purchased new games and spend most sunday's watching movies with dd and playing games. dh and dd have started a new tradition of going to breakfast just the two of them on Sat morning. DD's grades seem to be pretty well so far...she is a kid and has already tried to pull a few things, but she is a kid and this is to be expected. We have had something going on almost every Sat, but we seem to always make it back to normal by Sat night...though sometimes late at night....and Sun's have become an almost family day!

We talk and see our friends more and we I feel are truly forging those strong bonds we will carry for the rest of our lives.

To say the last few months have been positive, uplifting, prospurous, sucessful, and joyful for our whole family is a gross understatement. It has truly been a shower of blessings and Wonderous happiness!

We are still in our busy season what with v-ball, Girl Scouts,dh's out of town work, school, and everyday adventures. However it has been a blessing all of it! I can't wait to see what's in store for us next!

Be well everyone!

A reminder!

I have always had the bad habit of stashing little must-keeps in my drawers....usually my unmentionables drawer....It's a habit I must now let go of as I will no longer have a dresser to myself and am sharing with Chet....So today while I was emptying what was my dresser to hang up everything that could be I found so many little things that had been stashed away for quite awhile....I have moved this dresser twice and neither time did I clean it out just moved it with drawers and all...I found little pencil drawings from shy when she was little...I found my Cher ticket stub...I found letter's from my sister....and a small spiral notebook...I didn't recognize it at first, but as I got to looking at it I realized, or remembered it was the notebook Chet was writing in when our relationship first began...I make no denial about the fact that ours was not a fairy tale begining...however...no matter the details of the start of our love affair....to read it from his point of view after all this time...made my heart pitter....I was transported back to that time...it was chaotic...and somehow...with all the madness....there was an overwhelming sense of love and joy between us....I would never have guessed where we are now if I had been asked then to make a prediction...but we have been so blessed....truly with the love we have and share...with the love we have as a family unit...in every shape of our lives we have always been taken care of my an unseen force that has always been at bat for us....this force has always made what we needed and wanted possible and has always kept a protective hand on us....guiding us in the direction we need to go to complete our goals and dreams....I only hope we do this force justice in return and continuously send love joy and positivity back into the universe....I hope this force stays with us for the rest of our lives...maybe not always to bat or protect....hopefully sometimes just to watch and enjoy....I hope we never take for granted the blessings we have been given or where we have come from....I hope the love that brought us to where we are is always there and stronger with each day....this I hope for our family.

To self-doubt or not to self-doubt.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you think your all for something you give the go ahead, you think you have thought of all the pro's and con's and you are game for the outcome....but self doubt is just wearing on you....like you make yourself paraoid....to the point of possible talking yourself out of the situation altogether. I think I may be one of my own worst enemies....I internalize to the point that I could rationalize almost anything to myself....sometimes however it turns out my self doubt was just what I needed and my constant self-nit picking was just what I needed to make what ended up being the right choice or decision all along.....other things I have experienced....well I didn't experience them, I talked myself out of them and I still to this day don't know how it would have turned out.


Though self doubt has with out a doubt it's place and necessity....Is being my own worst critic, a self protectiveness or a way for me to always have an excuse to not try something I can't always control?

Thank you is not enough.

Well we have finally moved into the new house....almost....we still have a few things to get moved, but for the most part we are here....to say this experience has been a thrilling blessing is an understatement....with the largest of the blessings coming from those we are buying the house from.....T and J have done nothing short of handed us a personal miracle...they have been more than just kind they have been....amazingly wonderful....they have personally seen to it that we could make this little (and to some unimportant) dream come true. To simply say to them thank you does not seem like enough....I hope they know the good and gracious things they have done as of late are so much more appreciated than they will likely ever know....and the positive karma will I hope enrich their lives as it has ours. I hope for them always to feel as blessed and fortunate as we do....Thank you....for so many things....none of which are small or trivial....Thank you....though maybe not enough...Thank you!

Girl Scout Meltdown Story!

Okay so here's my latest meltdown story....

So a couple of months ago my co-leader and I sat our troop down and offered them 3 choices for summer camp this year....after much debate discussion, and many many many questions they decided on one. I talked to all the parent's about financial aid as I always do, however with the economy being in the state it currently is I knew this year more people than ever would be needing the aid, so I sent the apps in a month before the camp was to start. Ridiculously thinking that would surely be enough time to get approval and registration done. Our original camp date was the first week of June, I had several conversations with the Representative at the council about when the app's would be done and I could get the girls registered. Keep in mind there are limited spaces for camp so I wanted to get the girls registered as quickly as possible to ensure availability. I was told on two different occasions, that the apps would be complete the following week....on both occasions the app's were not finished as promised....in fact the apps were not complete before the June camp date came....I was frantic thinking the girls had lost the chance to go to camp....so the Representative and I changed the camp date for the girls to a July date. The app's were finally finished and the girls were registered for camp as of June 1st. I have called at least once a week every week for a month asking for a supplies list and schedule. Camp is this coming Monday. I have 2 parent's who received letters of supplies and schedules. One received it last Monday, and one received it yesterday! I and 3 other parent's never received any notification. So basically the Girl Scouts gave 4 sets of parent's 48hrs....on a holiday weekend to get everything their child needed for camp....some of the parent's have older children that have gone to camp, and have most of the supplies....well....one parent does....for the rest of us, we spent all day yesterday and today scrambling to put all the supplies together for our girls. Consequentially I copied and rushed 3 supply lists all over town yesterday and then made a frantic dash to wal-mart and a few other stores to get my girl ready for camp. To say this entire process has been frustrating is an understatement....I am appalled at the way my girls and parent's have been treated. I have two girls who are leaving the troop because of this camp fiasco, and one who's parents took her out of camp completely due to the fact they are out of town and had no way to get the required supplies.....she has since put her child back into the camp....so my girl is all packed and excited and ready for camp....by gods she better have good time.

That is my Girl Scout Meltdown story!

It's been awhile

Wow I haven't blogged in forever and a day....of course I'm blogging now because I have been left alone with my thoughts....as we all know that is never a totally safe thing...Wow there has been so much going on...I hardly know where to start. Ok.....let's see....Well, BigDaddy has been working out of town for a while now...I think a month....um....yeah I think a month. Anywho...that sux and I mean I love my man for being one of those men who provides for his family, and well....I just miss him like crazy! We've been making the best of it...he come's home on weekends, so we are alot luckier than some husbands and wives....(may the gods bless all the soldiers and their families)....It's hard when your husband is your best friend...not because you have no friends.....just because you prefer him to almost any other human being on the planet! So this week BigDaddy didn't even get to come home for the weekend....his big boss informed his foreman that they were to stay there until the job was done...so hopefully..... he will be home next weekend.

Shy has been a joy as always....she is going through this new phase though....everything is a question or is meant to be questioned....EVERYTHING....and I do mean everything....true examples from the last couple of days....
Shy:"Mom what are you doing?"
Mom:"Reading my magazine, did you need something?"
Shy:"No I was just wandering what you were doing in here by yourself."
Mom:"Ok well, now you know. Did you want to come get a book and read with me?"
Shy:"Yeah...mom what is this for (lifting up a perfume bottle)?"
Mom:"It's so I smell good." (mom goes back to reading)
Shy:"How do they make it?"
Mom:"I don't know remind me later and we'll google it!" (mom goes back to reading)
Shy:"What is this?"
Mom:(looking up from her magazine again)"It's make-up."
Shy:"This is make-up....What kind of make-up?"
Mom:"It's foundation I put it on before anything else to make my skin look good."
Shy:"Why?"
Mom:"I guess I just want to look my best."
Shy:"Why?"
Mom:"I don't know I guess I'm vain."

Now keep in mind by this time I'm really just wanting to get back to my reading, so I make the mistake of answering a question with a word my daughter may or may not understand hence my mistake....I left the door open to yet another question....I will spare you the rest of this conversation just know I have yet to finish reading that article, and the conversation lasted at least another 20 mins.

I dropped her off with her dad today...I've called her once since I dropped her off, but I've been dying to talk to her all day....silly mom! Though the quiet is nice....I totally miss my girl like crazy!


Finally me....I'm doing great I'm missing my family, but I'm totally not taking them for granted either, absence has that effect! I am packing....still....not as aggressively as I once was, but I am still pluggin away at it....I cannot wait to be done with the move settled in and enjoying our new house....well new to us!! we still have a ton of stuff to do before the move actually takes place....and it looks like BigDaddy will be out of town working....again during the move, but once it is all done....the complete and utter joy of it all being done will wash over me like waves of absolute satisfaction! I'm pretty excited! Shy has camp in July...Girl Scout that is....volley-ball camp was earlier this month...I took some awesome pics that I can't wait to scrap....after the move....my scrap supplies are all packed away....for now....after the move I will have an entire scrap room....not just a space or an area....an entire room....color me tickled pink! Anywho...so this year at G.S. camp Shy will be going by herself....it will be the first time she's been to overnight camp....I am a little freaked out, but being an admitted overly protected and overbearing mother I think it will be good for her....and me....a reluctant me, but yes me as well. We also have Shy's birthday and Mall madness the same day....Shy's birthday theme will be flip-flop's this year....I have all kinds of flip-flop related arts and crafts and giveaways....all to be done while were locked in the mall!! I'm really excited last year at mall madness, we discovered it was the perfect opportunity to get an entire new school and fall wardrobe....the sales are incredible...they get to get rid of stock and we get to cash in....most of the clothes are fall, or summer....but I think that's perfect...we usually buy everything a bit big and Shy is still wearing this summer clothes we bought her at mall madness last summer....Of course their will also be the crafts projects I have for the girls to do and cake....I am nixing the ice-cream, but I am planning of having a 3 tierd....wedding cake style cake...should be fabulous!


Well I think that pretty much catches everyone up on all our going's on....we'll talk to you all soon...Blessed BE!