My friend

Have you ever had a friend or friends, that you said goodbye to, and barely kept in touch with. Then one day you reconnect, and you spend some time together and it's like you never left each other. Then you fade away from each other and that's when it hits you.....how much your gonna miss this person...how much you did miss this person....how they meant so much more to you than even you realized.

I am currently in this situation, I have reconnected with someone, I didn't even realize I missed until recently...now that we will be parting again. I treasure this person, they are a true joy to be around. I adore the conversations we have the laughs, the cocktails, everything. I have always believed it's a persons choice to stay in touch, but it was pointed out to me recently by my dh that when things change I won't keep in touch, and it's not from want...sometimes life just has a way...... of getting in the way. We both have families and while hers is much larger and more demanding than mine (her life as well) I know myself well enough to know I will absorb myself back into my own life to such extent it won't include her or her life. It's just one of those things. We'll part ways smiling making promises to see each other often and we'll mean it, but for some reason or reason's we won't follow thru. We'll chat every once in awhile about the kids and the husbands and her glamorous life and my lack there of and that will be it.

A really great friend of mine always says that people come in and out of our lives for a reason, we take something from them, they take things from us. I believe everyting happens for a reason, and I think the way I'm feeling now may very well be the reason. I needed to know relationships like this one were real. I needed to know people bonded this strong. I needed to know the meaning of the word friend was so much more than what I had experienced in my life up till now. I needed to know and love someone who asked nothing of me, but my friendship, and gave everything in return.

In the last couple of days we have both expressed feelings, we haven't said to each other ever. She has expressed a desire for me not to "disappear", and I finally broke down and told her just how much I love and adore her. I have always prided myself on not ever letting anyone make me feel less than or lower than them. Yet I have always felt that way about her. I have always felt she was living my ideal life. Yet she always builds me up, telling me the not so glamorous stories, showing me the gritty under belly of her life. I've always wandered if she did this because she sensed my feelings of inadequacy, or if she just doesn't want it to look easier than it is.

I will be leaving her and her beautiful family soon. I will no longer be an intricate part of her life. I will no longer have the opportunity to see how the other half lives, to peak into and share in some of the most fascinating things about her and her families life. Change has never bothered me as much as it does some people, it may be a bit scary, but I have always welcomed it with open arms. My curiosity has always been strong enough to push me around the bend. However, I'm sitting here tonight thinking I don't want this to end, not all because of the kids, more because of her. It's literally hitting me just now how important this woman has become to me. My female relationships have always been extremely important. I chalk that fact up to my lack of any relationship with my mother. Her relationship has meant more to me than any female relationship in my life...save my sisters. She has shown me time and time again what an adult healthy, giving, loving, generous, friendship means.

While all this is good and well to say and admit, I know, I just know this is the end of something, it will never be this way again. It will always be this comfortable and wonderful between us, but it will be different, I won't know her as I do now. I won't be privy to her insights and the inner workings of her life as I am now. I guess I just feel like I'm losing my friend. I hate losing friends, and I gotta admit this one hurts more than ever. Perhaps it's just a mood, or perhaps, just perhaps it's the first real best friend I've ever had....all I know is it hurts. It feels like a piece of me is dying, like part of my very soul is disappearing.

I love you friend and I will miss you, I will think of you more than you will ever know. I hope sometimes when your having a really great cocktail you will think of me to, and say to yourself, Monica would love this I wish she was here...... and then I will be.