Oh shit moments...or lack of wit...or being average...oh hell make up your own title!

I have a few blogs I follow simply because of the wit they offer...I have cleverly disguised them as scrap booking blogs...or they have disguised them that way. One of my favorites is on vacation at the moment...and her latest blog entry was titled "Oh shit". I knew when the day started I wanted to blog...about what I wasn't sure...I could always fall back on my sentimental crap about life and marriage and motherhood...not that I don't mean every sentimental piece of crap I write about them...I however am beginning to feel I have no wit or sense of humor anymore....I have always dreamed of being one of those women who take 20 or 30 mins out of the day and blogs something so insightful or witty that people I don't even know take notice...truth is...I'm just not that witty....insightful yes I think I have mastered that craft...in the mushy area's anyway, but wit, wit is something that cannot be taught...it's one of those glorious talents your either born with or your not...I unfortunately was not. I try to be witty...believe me I try...it just never seems to work out for me. So taking inspiration from a very witty blogger...I will now blog about "Oh Shit" moments...surely there is some wit to be found there.

Although most of my Oh Shit moments leave me feeling like a failure or incapable...they are not cute Uma Thurman kind of witty moments...they are more like (child screaming) "Mom I can't believe you didn't get me signed up for volleyball in time...and now I can't sign up...I guess I'll be the only one of my friends not playing this year." moments. Of course there's always the other kind of Oh shit moments...like damn I still haven't mailed the girl scout envelope in or holy crap I forgot to pay the gas bill...for the last two months!

Am I being harder on myself than I should? I think not after all I've seen those women in the grocery store looking adorable in their gap capris and stylish lands end short jackets...with the hip at the moment ballet flat slip-on's and the 30 min hair style made to look like it took 5mins and just turned out this cute...while their perfectly behaved covered in limited too and the children's place children quietly follow them around the store holding hands...never whining or complaining or asking for things they can't have. Me...I'm the other woman...the one who's hair is wrapped in a bun because by the time I get a shower at 10:30 at night I'm to tired to bother washing it...I'm the one with the 11yr old arguing about how much sugar really is in cookie crisp cereal...and has the two preschoolers in the cart fighting over who gets to hold the tomato's and complaining because there isn't enough room in the cart for all the groceries and their little bodies...I'm also the woman you can find at 10 at night sitting happily in the recliner eating a piece of carrot cake..bought of course never homemade...only to wake up the next morning to find my pants are a bit snug and curse myself for eating after 8pm.

I would have thought I had outgrown my need to compare myself to these seemingly all together women. I mean I should have gotten over that in high school right? After all the truth is never as good as the fantasy...I mean these so put together women are probably in debt over their heads...buying their in the second fashion's on almost maxed out credit cards...the reason their children are so well behaved and quiet is because she threatened to get rid of the new puppy at home if they so much as breathed to loud in the store...her anger coming of course from the fact that she recently found out her husband is schtooping the woman who works across from him on the line at the factory...at least that's what I tell myself...I'm not bitter about things I don't have...I'm appreciative for what I do...my daughter feels comfortable enough to express her feelings...my marriage is good...no I mean really good...we actually like each other let alone love. I believe I have things some of these women will never know...unfortunately for them.

I crave much sillier things...things I could control...yet constantly do not. For instance I crave truly intellectual conversation with adults you know the kind they make movies about...and yet..I don't follow politics, I rarely watch the news and I have no and I mean no need to hear how someone else feels about my opinion. So due to my own ignorant bliss and immature inability to acknowledge someone may have a different opinion I don't have the conversations with adults like the ones Hollywood makes millions about. I fall under the much more average category of women...Ohhh to be witty...if only I were witty it would give me an edge...not the same as the well dressed "in" crowd of women...but something.

So i sit here on a Tuesday morning in the back yard watching my wards play in the dirt, while my coffee gets cold sitting on the ground and I light up my 3rd...yes 3rd cigarette of the day...told you I was average...someone who was not aware of my amazingly above average talents as a woman would probably describe me as an overweight to loud poorly dressed slightly unaware of the world around her homely housewife....I would be hard pressed to argue...but in my usual tacky way I would no doubt come up with some crude curse filled response that would only accentuate what they were saying by making me look immature and in-articulate. That is one thing I can do well...I can out curse a sailor...not that I usually brag about this note worthy gift of mine...it comes from growing up poor with uneducated parents. Keep in mind none of these snarky politically incorrect comebacks could be considered in any way witty...so there again a fail.

I own my averageness...I believe there has to be a hell of a lot of average people to help make the stunning people look that much better. I think if I had the gift of wit I would still be average...I would just be a more interesting average. As I am though the only really interesting things about me are all the negative one's my abusive childhood and my inability to bear children...both of which I have to admit...are getting old and boring to me...I have never used either as an excuse for anything...well that's not exactly true...sometimes I'll get sad...I'm not sure why but I do...I will cry for no reason...no it's not your average pms...I don't have that anymore...according to the under worked overpaid over educated doctor I pay so much money to every year. I will use the "baby incident" as I call it to explain it...but other than that I have never used either of my misfortunes as an excuse...but I wonder...if I had had a normal...average childhood...would I be witty. Is that what it takes to make wit grow in one...who knows?

Ahhhh the search for wittiness...I may never find it...so I guess I will continue with my crude way of throwing out the occasional zinger and hope perhaps wit will come with age, or experience, or oh hell I don't know...for now I'll keep giving nasty fake smiles to the above average women in the grocery store as I walk by and drop boxes of sugary cereal and 8pack of candy bars into their carts and smile to myself as I walk to my average car and load up my average groceries to return to my average yet comfortable house and family...I will smile because I happen to know that these women are not nearly as above average as they may like to appear...after all they live in a small town in Kansas for crying out loud...not L.A. how fucking above average can they be!

This mean crude nasty thought will get me through the rest of the day with a smile on my face...it may not be the preferred method of self soothing, but then again those of us with out wit must use whatever devices we can including the much loathed yet most popular method of adolescents everywhere...of "I'm better than you because I say so."