Welcome back to Wonderland Alice.......

As if I were Alice in Wonderland I was thrown into some strange kind of other world a world I recognized...a world I remember as much as I wanted to forget it. As convinced as I had been just seconds earlier that I had just invented it like a story in a book it was suddenly in front of me. The white rabbit had grown older but he was still carrying his watch yelling "I'm late" I was mouth agape. It seemed as though all time had stopped...as if there was no one else on the planet...I could feel my blood flow in my veins...I could feel my hair growing I could see into the future...I could taste the air...I could hear grass grow...yes Wonderland that's what this was...Wonderland...where I had not been in so many years...I had forgotten how to get there.... indeed it is a wondrously terrifying place.

It happened so fast I had no time to adjust or ease into the idea. I remember seeing the arm...I felt in my heart I knew who's is was....but when reality kicked in and I knew it was her....the breath left my body and all I could say was "Mom" She looked older but she hadn't changed much...later I would think was a blessing as it may imply I will age as gracefully. She told me she wanted to let me know about my grandmother...her mother had died on Tues.

My grandmother's dead. My mother is standing in front of me....I was oblivious to anything going on around me when I blinked however there he was....bigger than life and glaring just as I remembered him. There were here....the enemy had found their way into the utopia I had created for myself and mini-me. Wonderland hadn't changed much in fact...all the characters were the same. I felt suddenly as if I was being watched by everyone....as if the enemy was at the gates and it was time to prepare for an invasion....but a fear crept in...quickly and suddenly...I have gotten soft....I wasn't ready...I didn't have a back up plan...nothing is prepared for...I wasn't ready with my overly confident facade.....I wasn't ready with an escape plan...in the time it takes one to nervously and gently speak five sentences she had told me...of my grandmothers death, that she was with her when she passed, that my aunt was with then as well, that she had known where I lived, and she had spoken to my daughter. It would be hours before I felt myself breath again.

Suddenly I've drank the odd concoction again just as before I was 15yrs old again....I was surviving because nothing actually "lived" there...I was again hit with the same panicked thought I had anytime they were mentioned or thought of....I needed to get out...get my kid and get gone...I needed to get on my toes....I needed to be back on constant alert...after all this time I can still feel the terror, anger, hatred, disgust, disappointment, confusion, hurt and mistrust all over again....how dare I let myself be caught off guard....in a matter of mins they were gone...I was slower in my later years...but when my mind caught up my body went into action...I allowed panic to take over...a quiet unrecognizable to anyone but me panic....I would spend the next few hours looking behind me and finding paralyzing fear strike me when the doorbell rang or someone knocked or my phone rang....My mind was in a storm of chaos...I didn't know which emotion to feel...I didn't know which thought should take priority one...mourning...or shock....after all this time...I am still that little girl....after so many years of false self convinced safety and protection...it all came to an end in an instant...the mirrors were broken and shattered the smoke cleared and the lights were replaced with the warm harsh light of the sun...my make believe world was disemboweled suddenly swarmed by the red queen and her army of cards I was left feeling naked, young and raw.

I have been numb since....my mind is still in chaos and I'm still not breathing right...so today until I put myself back to right I'm afraid a switch has been flicked...the survivor has been awakened the warrior has been called back to action. I don't know what will happen or where it will lead but I do remember these switch's well enough to know they have been turned on. It's as though I'm at a never ending tea party with the Mad Hatter and guests....it's about getting out alive at the end of the party...no matter what condition you come out in....you just try to get out alive.

Even as I type...my mind is so different than what it was....as always I will overcome...I will strike first and I will draw first blood...this foe is not unknown and therefore I have some advantage...I will also rely on an old friend a wise and tricky one....underestimation....I will be underestimated...that will play in my favor...I also have time on my side...I've had lots of time to hone my skills and even perhaps learn a few new ones. So the warrior stirs and prepares for battle again after so many years of rest...be ready....your patience and experience will serve you well. Now back down the rabbit hole...back to...Wonderland.

Saying good bye to 2010

This post has been a long time coming. As much as I love to blog and always have something to say...I have been avoiding this blog post for awhile now. I'm not even gonna get into why I've been avoiding it. On to the actual post!




To say this last year was a whirlwind would be an understatement. I will attempt to start somewhere near the beginning if you look back at other posts some of this may actually be there.

If I remember clearly BigDaddy was laid off in January...for a couple of weeks...then in February the adoption went through and BigDaddy became "DaD" officially. We spent some really wonderful weekends at the lake...in fact we went to the lake for BigDaddy's birthday we had an amazing time.

We had a few more amazing weekends at the lake...needless to say I am truly excited about lake season this year.

-The Family-
I remember an evening at my brother and sisters house...we had just finished dinner and the four of us were sitting in the driveway, because when all the kids are together it's easier to just let them have the house or yard which ever they happen to want at the time! :) I can't repeat the conversation word for word...I just remember it was not like any I had had before...actually that's not true...it was similar to the conversation my Mr. Right and I had before we decided to get married. It was no nonsense, straight to the point, with purpose, and though it may have seemed like just another conversation between friends...it would turn out to be so much more. Almost every really big action in my life was preceded by a poignant conversation...adopting mini me, marrying Mr. Right, choosing a family. What I can tell you about this conversation is that it became apparent that my brother had chosen us to join his "chosen" family. What my brother and sister, I'm sure, still don't know, till they read this anyway, is that I have longed for a strong family unit to call my own for so long the yearning had become a constant never ending thorn that I had simply learned to adjust to.



I just knew the fantasy family I had in my head would never come to be...there was no way...people don't just find other people in the world and decide they want to be family and just adopt each other...things like that just don't happen. Turns out they do....and not just in romance novels. My brother said quite a few things that night...I remember most...my sister didn't say much...but that's her way...she doesn't love as easy or as quickly as my brother...but once she's in...she's in all the way. The whole of the conversation was simple...we have this idea of what family should be...once your in that's it your family "done deal" as my brother would say. There is no half ass or uncertainty involved...when you agree to be part of the family it's like a marriage...it's for a lifetime. In good and bad...in health and sickness...in poor and wealthy times...you are a family.



To some this entire scene may seem like something out of a Steven King novel...something like a cult or club or group. I didn't see it like that. I saw it as the thing I had been wanting in mine, Mr. Right's and mini-me's life for a long time. I could tell the weight of this conversation and seriousness with which my brother explained the idea made it seem to me it was something he had thought on for a while. I could not nor will I ever be able to explain why he chose to have this talk with us....I can only be thankful he did. So Mr. Right and I chose a family...and lucky us it came complete with nephews, nieces, 3sisters and two brothers. Mini-me got aunt's and uncle's and cousin's out of the deal.



The best part about a chosen family...you want to be around them...you want to talk to them...you want them to know what's going on in your life and you want to know whats going on in theirs you want to party with them to celebrate with them to share in their joys and disappointments and you want them to share in yours. Unlike the family one was born with...we don't love and enjoy one another because we have to....we do it because we want to...because when the family is together it feels good...it feels right...it feels like your not alone in the world...it feels like family...like family should. So after this conversation and following conversations we all put our money and arms where our mouths were and inked it to make it official. We are F4L. We are family.




Now then...also this year Mr. Right had more medical attention than he's prolly had his entire life! First it was a nasty bacterial infection in his colon...that was scary...then after that had settled a few months he had emergency appendectomy surgery! Like I said...it's been a whirl wind of a year. He's all better now though...medically anyway...and thank the gods for that...I've had enough of the emotional roller coaster that goes with medical emergencies.





He was not out of town nearly as much this year as he was last. Which was both wonderful and difficult. Wonderful because we had him here, difficult because money was tight this year...I think this was the first time we personally felt the recession. It was also in 2010 that BigDaddy decided he just had to have a Harley. He decided that the biker lifestyle was where and who he wanted to be. Though as of this posting he has yet to get a bike. Both mini-me and I are excited for him to get a bike though.



Mini-me had a pretty exciting year as well. I informed her at the end of last year that we would no longer be doing Girl Scouts. She wasn't thrilled, but she handled it well. Of course in my opinion the highlight of her year would have been in Feb. when the adoption became final. She would probably say getting a puppy for Christmas was the best part. The worst would most certainly be when her other dog Luna was hit by a car and killed. Though it was an accident it was terribly difficult for her to deal with...she did love that dog. However I attempted to make it a learning experience and explained again about life and death. A conversation I'm sure we will have many times in her life. She was allowed to say goodbye and then with her Uncle Cooter and her BigDaddy she buried Luna. Since then she has been wearing Luna's collar around her neck like a necklace. She struggled a bit early in the year with grades, but after some stern lectures and the threat of being taken out of school and home schooled she has come back with a vengeance. It's not been an easy year for her...there have been a lot of things come up this year that she has had to learn to adjust to. Her best friend left school and is now home schooled. She has had to learn to deal with negativity from peers. She had to take up for herself for the first time this year. I can't begin to tell you how proud that made me. I was summoned to the vice Principal's office because a girl had attempted to steal her property she was going to move this girls band instrument to another place in the band room so this girl could not find it when she needed it and therefore would feel as if someone had stolen her property. To say my girl impressed me would be an understatement. I was proud that she didn't get physical...I was proud she had put some thought into her revenge plot...I was proud the punishment fit the crime. I was also proud that when she got caught she didn't lie or pass blame on someone else...she simply took the punishment and went about her day. In my opinion she handled the situation beautifully, though perhaps the vice Principal would disagree with me.



Parties, Parties, Parties! We have done more entertaining this year than we have in our lives!
From New years parties with the kids to birthday parties for adults and kids to birthday parties with out the kids...we celebrated in 2010 like no other year. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed having everyone here for all the wonderful milestones a family sees in a year. It has been amazing to plan and put together a truly wonderful birthday party where everyone has a good time and there is no bullshit or fighting or drama! There is just a wonderful group of people that love to have a great time together. Therefore that is exactly what we do! I know for me anyway 2010's birthday party was the best I've ever had in my life. I can't wait to raise the bar for this years!

The garage was coined the "club house" in 2010 and the house was named in 2010...Turner's Cozy Cottage by the Creek. The club house is where most family meetings and family decisions are made and it's where all the celebratory gatherings happen. Indeed the "Club House" has become a sanctuary of sorts...it's a quiet place to sit for awhile and have a smoke, it can also be the most happening place to be in town. It's been such a blessing for us Turners to have been surrounded the entire year by people we love adore and just plain like so much. For a couple of loners like Mr. Right and I the plethora of family and loved one's this year has been both a welcome and unexpected joy. I do not have words to describe how these people who strangers may take no second glance at have become so important to us. We have called on them more than once for more than a few favors or help circumstances....to date we have never been let down or passed over or made to feel not important enough. I only hope Mr. Right and I have made them feel even just a little bit as special, important, wonderful, and like family as they have us. Again we are F4L...we are a family.



So now we come to me....I think. We all know I've had difficult years in my life...we all know I've lived and seen and felt some shit most people know nothing about. This year was no exception....I personally believe the universe chose to send us our family when it did for the simple reason....that we were going to need them. There was a day in Sept when I got up and proceeded about my day. I began to notice first thing in the morning that I felt sore...my body felt like I had over exerted it some how. As if I had spent about an hr to long on the treadmill. Nothing extraordinarily odd about that...except I hadn't been on a treadmill. I hadn't exercised in a couple of weeks due to just plain busyness and the fact that I had taken on a couple of young boys to watch at home during the day. Which left me no time for my early morning jaunts to the rec center for an hrs worth of work out.
So it did seem strange. This went on getting worse and more frequent for about 6wks. I went to the chiropractor thinking it was just a needed adjustment...I could not have been more wrong. After finally giving in and going to see the dr. I just knew he was gonna tell me I was nuts and it was all in my head...this in fact was my biggest fear. It took about 4 days, then the call came. I was officially diagnosed with a syndrome called Fibromyalgia. I knew so little about it of course I began to research it using the internet immediately. Perhaps not the smartest thing to do. My research succeeded in terrifying me.

"Fibromyalgia is described as inflammation of the fibrous or connective tissue of the body. Widespread muscle pain, fatigue, and multiple tender points characterize these conditions. Fibrositis, fibromyalgia, and fibromyositis are names given to a set of symptoms believed to be caused by the same general problem."

This is the definition of this syndrome as stated by medical dictionary. The symptoms of this syndrome sound like something out of a sci-fi movie.

"People with fibromyalgia are most likely to complain of three primary symptoms: muscle and joint pain, stiffness, and fatigue." "Other common symptoms are tension headaches, difficulty swallowing, recurrent abdominal pain, diarrhea, and numbness or tingling of the extremities.

That doesn't include the side effects of the antidepressant drugs I have been prescribed in an attempt to help.
There is no cure or even a well working treatment for this syndrome...so I have had to learn to deal with a daily dose of pain, soreness, headaches, nausea, dizziness, muscle spasms, muscle numbness, muscle tingling and fatigue. It has literally been a daily struggle to get out of bed and be productive in any manner. Some days I fail this task all together...other days I run and don't allow my conscious mind to stop long enough to realize whats going on....of course this is usually followed by a day of extreme pain due to overexcertion from the day before. It's not safe to say that if I would simply take it easy the pain would maintain at a minimum level. Though a day off...really off...where I don't work, do no cleaning or organizing just sit or lie and move very little is enjoyable for my body, it has proven to be no guarantee for a good day the next day. Doing to much makes it hurt...doing to little makes it hurt...sometimes doing nothing makes it hurt.

In my online research...I have found the comment "I feel so alone, because no one knows how it feels, no one knows how bad it is, how difficult it can be just to stand up let alone walk or work" so many times...it's a very true statement. No one knows. I think for me personally this has been the worst part thus far...I have taken up the phrases Good/bad day...but when it's a really bad day there is no way to tell anyone how bad...and eventually after a couple of weeks of straight bad days with no good days people get tired of hearing me whine about it...hell I get tired of whining about it. My family friends and loved one's will never know how much pain there really is they can never truly understand how scary it is to wake up and not be able to move your muscles because you mind has frozen your body with fear of the impending pain associated with such a simple task. No one will ever know how difficult it can be to simply brush hair, or teeth, or run a vacuum, or wash dishes, or fold laundry. No one will understand that waking up to dizziness and vomiting is has become the norm. It will never make sense to them how I can be in a crowd of people who are having a great time while I'm in my own world of torture where my mind is unable to focus on the conversation, the cigarette in my hand, the camera at the ready, the joke just told, or the open invitation to take a couple of playful jabs at a loved one....no my brain is unable to focus on any of this...instead it is stuck on the pain in my body...the elbow ache...the numbness in my thigh...the intense pain in my neck...the soreness of my back....the all consuming throbbing in my ankle...the uncontrollable blurriness of my vision. I have discovered this is called "Fibro Fog".

The idea that I will be in real excruciating pain for the rest of my life is daunting to say the least. If I was gonna be completely honest I would say it was a terrifying prospect that scares the shit out of me. The kicker is I have always said I don't do pain. I am a wuss I can't handle pain. Ironic isn't it that one of my few non animal or life threatening fears is now a syndrome I have been diagnosed with. I have felt completely alone since I got the call...I have tried harder than anyone can ever know to keep my family's life as it has always been. I have missed 2 days of work in the last 4months since symptoms started. I have not used the pain or other symptoms as an excuse for anything...that's just not my style. I also have not broken down and told any one how bad it is. Unfortunately for me I have not picked up my scrap booking in months...I miss it so bad...however to keep my sanity and our lives as they were before takes so much more effort than it ever has I find I have nothing left over for my much missed stress relieving creative outlet.

I cry when no one's looking.
When possible I choose to have my anxiety attacks when I'm alone.
I smile when my muscles scream out in pain to keep from yelling out and crying.
I have attempted to not ask for help at all or at least very little.
I have become not only the strongest woman I know, but the greatest actress I know as well.
This has been my life in a revolving daily circle for the past 4 1/2 months or so.
It has truly been a new room of hell I had not previously visited.


I believe that pretty much clears up the entire year. It was not the most prosperous year for us, however so much good came out of this year I wouldn't change anything about it for the world. Another years worth of stories, another years worth of pictures, another years worth of memories. No I wouldn't change any of it....I would be to scared to loose something totally wonderful we had gained...and all the wonderful people and things we have gained this year are irreplaceable and priceless. As per my life long motto: I wish to change nothing, with that wish comes the want to change things, if these things changed i would not be who I am or have the life I have. The life I have is too wonderful to carry with it any wish for change.

My life is what I have made of it. No amount of pain or suffering will ever take away the appreciation I have for my life. Though some may see it as small and unimportant, it is mine good bad ugly...it's still mine and I have struggled and sacrificed for every second of it, therefore it is with a genuine smile on my face I say to the universe now...Thank you for all the many overwhelming blessings you saw fit to bestow on us in 2010, and I'm eager and excited to see what new wonderful blessings 2011 has in store!

Journey through hell.

It was to dark to really see anything...I could hear everything.
I heard the door at the other end of the brand new fancy double wide mobile home. I could tell when the socked feet left the carpeted living area and stepped onto the cheap linoleum floor of the kitchen...the sound of the refrigerator door opening...this was no doubt the excuse for leaving the confines of the bedroom at the end of the long mobile home. Then the refrigerator door closes. The steps come closer to the door at the end of the room where I lie and she lies in the bed across the room. I can see the light break with a large block of black space...the door opens...then the figure appears.

It moves to the bed across the room...I can hear her rhythmic breathing, she's sleeping. I move and make a sound this alerts the figure and it moves toward me. I pretend to be asleep and roll over...it sits on the bed the weight pulls my body toward it. I feel the figure touch my head...my hair...my face...my neck. I feel the covers move slide down my body...the cool of the air outside of the blankets washes over me like cascading water, I shiver. As the figure begins to pull my legs and body into the position most accessible for his ultimate goal my mind begins to fade...my conscious mind leaves all control to my sub-conscious and I am transported to a place that exists only in my mind.

There is a beautiful rich green pasture. The grass is so thick and soft the ground is cool under my bare feet, but the sun shinning down on me is warm like a blanket so worn and familiar there are beautiful while and yellow wild flowers scattered about, butterflies float and play on the breeze and just over the little hill is a sapphire blue spring. Large river rocks sprinkle the bottom of the bubbling brook, the water is cold and crisp, it feels like silk as it runs over my hands and feet. The air is clean and delicious, it has a sweet light delicate taste. I lie in the soft cool grass and squint my eyes as I face the warmth of the sun while my feet dangle in the cool musical sounds of the clear spring. I am happy, safe, warm, relaxed....this is my place the place no one can hurt me, the place where I am alone all alone just me...I'm so complete, so content I breath deep and revel in the sheer joy and gentleness of this place.

The figure gets heavy and I can suddenly feel the hot, sticky breath of it I am instantly in my own body again...I came back to soon...it seems to take longer than before, the pain shoots through my legs, hips, stomach. Nothing hurts as much as the inside of my most delicate and private places. I squeeze my eyes shut hard...the pain is coming more intense and more often now...then in an instant my eyes see white as the pain shoots through my entire body. I become unable to breath, there is so much weight I not strong enough to pull air into my chest it wont fill with air. then as I struggle to inhale the figure lifts itself from me and air feels my lungs with such quick sharpness I almost cough, I quiet myself quickly...a cough would only induce the terrifying threats of death, or tortour. The figure whispers ugly praises in my ear and kisses my cheek then I feel the blankets pull over my body...I hear the feet move across the room...the door opens...the door closes...the figure is gone.

I'm left with the wet sticky feel between my legs and the pain that has centered around my pelvic area. I roll over and slowly bring my knees to my chest...I don't cry anymore...I haven't done that in years. As the pain radiates through my limbs and abdomen I rock slowly and remind myself of the feel of the sun and the sound of the brook...the color of the wildflowers and the taste of the air. I drift off to sleep...I can sleep now...the figure won't be back until tomorrow night. My journey through hell is complete for today.

Another year has come and gone...I'm a year older...currently I'm having a huge issue with someone very close to me...or they were anyway...So for this years birthday blog I will not bad mouth anyone...I will not "erase" anyone. Tomorrow may change all of that but for today I will find peace within myself...peace with my faults...peace with my wants...peace with my disappointments...peace with my aggravations...peace with my shortcomings...peace with my inabilities.

I have never claimed to be perfect...actually I often use myself as the example of how not to live. I try to never...note the word try...use my childhood as an excuse for anything...however anyone who knows even a piece of it knows I am so much more sane than I have any right to be...some of my personality faults are due to the childhood and upbringing I have survived...it makes me less able to deal with things most people would just let go.

As much as I hate to admit it...and that's a lot...I do miss people...some who have chosen to move out of my life...others I chose to remove...I don't miss all of them...but I do miss some...there are times when my ability to remove or "erase" someone from my universe bites me in the ass...they will never know who they are...nor will anyone else, but their are some. I am in a better place at this point in my life than any other time I can remember. Even with the current nasty situation playing itself out...my home and family life couldn't be better...I have most anything I could have ever wanted in life. I feel safe secure loved and content...I know there will always be something to rock the boat, but I know my Mr. Right and I can weather anything thrown in our path. Which is saying a lot for him because I tend to make life a hell of a lot more difficult than it really has to be. I tend to blow things out of proportion. I tend to overreact. I tend to say mean things weather I mean them or not. I seem to be less understanding than most. I tend to forgive less than I should. I tend to dwell on things I should let go.

Yes these and many others are my faults...I see them admit to them and deny to change them...it has taken me 33yrs to become the person I am today. I try to live my life without hurting anyone or anything...I fail at this all the time...but I'm still trying...I try to always take responsibility for my actions...that is often difficult but I figure if I want other people to do it I have to as well. I try to hear people out..weather I agree with what they have to say or not. I try to be understanding when I disagree with someone...I try to agree to disagree...again not an easy task but I try.

As another year goes by I can only seem to be thankful for what I have been blessed with. An amazing and loving husband. A healthy and beautiful daughter. A chosen family I adore. A beautiful home. Friends any woman would be proud to call friends. most of all at the end of ever day I look myself in the mirror and I confront myself with pure absolute honesty...what did I do today to be proud of? What did I do today I'm ashamed of? What could I have been better at? Did I tell the people I needed to that I love them? Was I a good mom today? Was I a good wife today? Was I a good friend today? Was I a good role model today?

I don't always answer these questions like I would prefer...but I am always honest with myself...and others...I figure I'm to old to lie...and I don't have the memory strength to keep up with lies anymore...after all I'm not 75 or 90...but I'm not 22 anymore either.

I am who I am to old to change my personality, but young enough to still know what a good time is. To old to change my way of thinking, but young enough to know other thoughts are just as important or relevant. To old to admit I have more to learn, but young enough to listen closely when a learning opportunity is available. To old to say I know it all...young enough to think on occasion I'm totally right no matter who thinks otherwise. To old not to share, but young enough to still have moments of selfishness. To old to say I didn't know better, but young enough to throw caution to the wind on occasion. To old to say I don't need anyone, but young enough to still think I can do it myself.

I am wise beyond my years...and yet there are times when I feel like a newborn who hasn't seen anything and knows even less. I was forced to be grown long before most...yet when I get the urge I can be the most immature and irresponsible person I know. I have seen and experienced things most people shouldn't and haven't...yet there are times when I am shocked by society.

I guess the most amazing thing about getting another year older is the fact that after all these years...after all my experiences and encounters...people still shock the hell out of me. The human race as a whole and on closer more immediate levels people surprise me all the time...the anger, ignorance, stupidity, denial, selfishness, recklessness,laziness,greed, fear and most of all the simple hurtful manner of them. After all the years I have observed so many humans in so many situations...I am still surprised by how quickly one person will sell another down the river to help themselves.

I've heard many elder people say many times...the most shocking thing they see every day is people hurting each other...I think I get that now...in a million different ways it seems the human race has claimed war on itself...it all seems like some big game...the one who wins is the one who can hurt the most while not getting hurt in the process...and the winner...they get to stand alone...they get to have no one who really cares for them standing with them...they get to say they were the most terrible...the most hurtful...the most uncaring...the most devious...I think my new realization for this year is I don't want to be the winner...I want to be the loser...the one who hurt the fewest...the one who sits at a table surrounded by a ton of people I love and cherish...who love and cherish me...people who I want to be thrilled for in times of joy...people who I hurt for in times of pain...people who do these same things for me...share in my joy and pain...not because they have to, but because they want to be that invested in my life...and the life of my loved one's.

Yes another year has passed...as always I have learned many things this year...more people have come and gone...more relationships have begun and ended...I have discovered more faults with myself as I do every year...I have relearned what it means to love and accept as I do every year...I have learned contentment...as I do every year...I have learned to love myself without demanding more from me...as I do every year. I have learned to love my loved one's without demanding more from them...as I do every year. I have learned to be satisfied with what I have...as I do every year.

I learn them every year because I forget them every year...never for very long...as life has a way of quickly reminding someone of the most important lessons. So as we start another year I am currently in the know of these things...however I know as history has shown I will forget them and one by one be reminded of them all over again.

I think I look forward to relearning life's most precious lessons...after all as long as I relearn them every year I'm still capable of growing and maturing further...and the excitement of not knowing what is coming next is enough reason to look forward to another year with excitement and a sense of wonder, eagerness, trepidation and hopefulness!

So here's to saying goodbye to last year and hello to this new year...here's to hoping and actively making it just as amazing as the past years!

Happy Birthday Monica (Shiimer)! Have a great year!
Laugh often
Love much
Live well
Dance
Sing
Harm none
Forgive
Allow
Let go
Keep
Feel
Be satisfied
Want
Need
Admit
Don't do it all
Do it all
Be
Think
Know
Appreciate
Take for granted
Be nice
Encourage
Live!

An emotional weekend

Wow what a weekend...it was emotional...to say the least!

After this weekend was over I felt all of these...loved, wanted, sexy, appreciated, joy, happiness, nauseous, drunk, excited, proud, lost, young, old, empty, protected, disappointed, disrespected, ditched, unwanted, used and hurt. Most of all blessed!

See I said it was an emotional weekend!

I felt so loved by all my crew...they threw me the most amazing birthday party I've ever had. They made me feel like I was important and wanted. Thanks to my big brother's ability to write his feelings in a card I felt so protected. Thanks to all my crew I felt joy and happiness. There were a couple of times I did feel a little nauseous...only after spinning on the wheel of course!

My amazing husband as always made me feel young and sexy. Of course by the time the late night came around I felt drunk. I was excited all weekend to have everyone around and see baby sister. After I gave her her diamond nose ring I felt she really appreciated it, therefore I felt appreciated in that moment. Baby sister told me sassafrass has a natural talent for music...I felt so proud to hear someone who knows say that!

I felt lost when I couldn't understand why it seemed the kids were not wanting to be with us at all. I mean why would you come to someones house under the guise of wanting to be with them wanting to celebrate both of your birthday's together for the first time, and then just treat their house like it's a flop house I was left feeling used and lied to. I felt so disrespected when the most honored guests took off without saying good bye or telling anyone they were leaving. I felt so unwanted when it was made clear to me our family and myself were not the reason for the visit. As for leaving the party without telling anyone or even saying goodbye or happy birthday or thanks for trying to include us I felt ditched. I felt old when I was told I didn't understand the young and selfish concept....yet it is apparently okay to hurt someone who took the time out to give advice that you asked for...help that you asked for with the young peoples relationship problems. It is okay to hurt someone as long as you have the excuse of being young and selfish to use. It is okay to stand and look an 11yr old in the eye and lie to her...as long as you have the excuse of being young and selfish.

The other thing I felt this weekend was ashamed...I'm ashamed of the irresponsible and immature attitude and what I hope is a temporary personality of someone I love so much. I felt so empty when the realization that I am no more important than any other family member...after being told so many times I was so needed and wanted and helpful and understanding and fun and loved and a favorite.

I had a perfectly fantastic weekend...it had some low moments, but thanks to MY family and my amazing crew...My perfect Mr. Right and my sunshine princess...the lows were minimized and the highs were all I could have wished for!

I know the young have their own lives...I remember being young...it wasn't that long ago. I don't ever remember however using my youth, immaturity, irresponsibility, or selfishness as an excuse to disrespect, use, or HURT the people I claimed to love...the people who had proven time and again that they were there for me...the people who didn't judge me for my choices...the people who I claim I wouldn't know what to do without. No I sit here and search my mind...even now I don't ever recall using my youth, selfishness, or immaturity as an excuse to HURT anyone...and I never used it as a reason to get away with lying to a child.

Either way I'm not young anymore...but I have made my life my own...I have filled it with people I love and people who love me! I have learned as the young have not...the only really important thing in life is family...not money...not drugs...not partying...not sex...not being cool...just FAMILY weather by birth, marriage or choice....FAMILY is the only thing that lasts and losing them leaves a wound that never heals completely...I am so loving my family!

Last but surely not least I felt blessed. After all no matter what happened with the young ones I got to see them...they allowed me a brief glance into their universe...I don't have to like what I saw...but I got to glance. I got the honor of their presence for a moment...and with the young one cannot expect much more.
My family and crew made me feel blessed to know and have each and every one of them...they made me feel blessed to know they would always be there and after so many family fails...I have a family for the future!

My mini me as always makes me feel blessed just by being herself! She was so understanding when she was lied to... though I know she was hurt and disappointed a great deal...she held her head high and simply took a "their loss" attitude! She is simply the most remarkable human being I have ever known.

My Mr. Right always makes me feel proud and blessed he is the love of my life he loves me like no one ever has he is the center of my universe...and one of my two favorite people on the planet.

Yes it was an emotional weekend, but it was unforgettable as well! All in all it was all I could have hoped for and more!

Oh shit moments...or lack of wit...or being average...oh hell make up your own title!

I have a few blogs I follow simply because of the wit they offer...I have cleverly disguised them as scrap booking blogs...or they have disguised them that way. One of my favorites is on vacation at the moment...and her latest blog entry was titled "Oh shit". I knew when the day started I wanted to blog...about what I wasn't sure...I could always fall back on my sentimental crap about life and marriage and motherhood...not that I don't mean every sentimental piece of crap I write about them...I however am beginning to feel I have no wit or sense of humor anymore....I have always dreamed of being one of those women who take 20 or 30 mins out of the day and blogs something so insightful or witty that people I don't even know take notice...truth is...I'm just not that witty....insightful yes I think I have mastered that craft...in the mushy area's anyway, but wit, wit is something that cannot be taught...it's one of those glorious talents your either born with or your not...I unfortunately was not. I try to be witty...believe me I try...it just never seems to work out for me. So taking inspiration from a very witty blogger...I will now blog about "Oh Shit" moments...surely there is some wit to be found there.

Although most of my Oh Shit moments leave me feeling like a failure or incapable...they are not cute Uma Thurman kind of witty moments...they are more like (child screaming) "Mom I can't believe you didn't get me signed up for volleyball in time...and now I can't sign up...I guess I'll be the only one of my friends not playing this year." moments. Of course there's always the other kind of Oh shit moments...like damn I still haven't mailed the girl scout envelope in or holy crap I forgot to pay the gas bill...for the last two months!

Am I being harder on myself than I should? I think not after all I've seen those women in the grocery store looking adorable in their gap capris and stylish lands end short jackets...with the hip at the moment ballet flat slip-on's and the 30 min hair style made to look like it took 5mins and just turned out this cute...while their perfectly behaved covered in limited too and the children's place children quietly follow them around the store holding hands...never whining or complaining or asking for things they can't have. Me...I'm the other woman...the one who's hair is wrapped in a bun because by the time I get a shower at 10:30 at night I'm to tired to bother washing it...I'm the one with the 11yr old arguing about how much sugar really is in cookie crisp cereal...and has the two preschoolers in the cart fighting over who gets to hold the tomato's and complaining because there isn't enough room in the cart for all the groceries and their little bodies...I'm also the woman you can find at 10 at night sitting happily in the recliner eating a piece of carrot cake..bought of course never homemade...only to wake up the next morning to find my pants are a bit snug and curse myself for eating after 8pm.

I would have thought I had outgrown my need to compare myself to these seemingly all together women. I mean I should have gotten over that in high school right? After all the truth is never as good as the fantasy...I mean these so put together women are probably in debt over their heads...buying their in the second fashion's on almost maxed out credit cards...the reason their children are so well behaved and quiet is because she threatened to get rid of the new puppy at home if they so much as breathed to loud in the store...her anger coming of course from the fact that she recently found out her husband is schtooping the woman who works across from him on the line at the factory...at least that's what I tell myself...I'm not bitter about things I don't have...I'm appreciative for what I do...my daughter feels comfortable enough to express her feelings...my marriage is good...no I mean really good...we actually like each other let alone love. I believe I have things some of these women will never know...unfortunately for them.

I crave much sillier things...things I could control...yet constantly do not. For instance I crave truly intellectual conversation with adults you know the kind they make movies about...and yet..I don't follow politics, I rarely watch the news and I have no and I mean no need to hear how someone else feels about my opinion. So due to my own ignorant bliss and immature inability to acknowledge someone may have a different opinion I don't have the conversations with adults like the ones Hollywood makes millions about. I fall under the much more average category of women...Ohhh to be witty...if only I were witty it would give me an edge...not the same as the well dressed "in" crowd of women...but something.

So i sit here on a Tuesday morning in the back yard watching my wards play in the dirt, while my coffee gets cold sitting on the ground and I light up my 3rd...yes 3rd cigarette of the day...told you I was average...someone who was not aware of my amazingly above average talents as a woman would probably describe me as an overweight to loud poorly dressed slightly unaware of the world around her homely housewife....I would be hard pressed to argue...but in my usual tacky way I would no doubt come up with some crude curse filled response that would only accentuate what they were saying by making me look immature and in-articulate. That is one thing I can do well...I can out curse a sailor...not that I usually brag about this note worthy gift of mine...it comes from growing up poor with uneducated parents. Keep in mind none of these snarky politically incorrect comebacks could be considered in any way witty...so there again a fail.

I own my averageness...I believe there has to be a hell of a lot of average people to help make the stunning people look that much better. I think if I had the gift of wit I would still be average...I would just be a more interesting average. As I am though the only really interesting things about me are all the negative one's my abusive childhood and my inability to bear children...both of which I have to admit...are getting old and boring to me...I have never used either as an excuse for anything...well that's not exactly true...sometimes I'll get sad...I'm not sure why but I do...I will cry for no reason...no it's not your average pms...I don't have that anymore...according to the under worked overpaid over educated doctor I pay so much money to every year. I will use the "baby incident" as I call it to explain it...but other than that I have never used either of my misfortunes as an excuse...but I wonder...if I had had a normal...average childhood...would I be witty. Is that what it takes to make wit grow in one...who knows?

Ahhhh the search for wittiness...I may never find it...so I guess I will continue with my crude way of throwing out the occasional zinger and hope perhaps wit will come with age, or experience, or oh hell I don't know...for now I'll keep giving nasty fake smiles to the above average women in the grocery store as I walk by and drop boxes of sugary cereal and 8pack of candy bars into their carts and smile to myself as I walk to my average car and load up my average groceries to return to my average yet comfortable house and family...I will smile because I happen to know that these women are not nearly as above average as they may like to appear...after all they live in a small town in Kansas for crying out loud...not L.A. how fucking above average can they be!

This mean crude nasty thought will get me through the rest of the day with a smile on my face...it may not be the preferred method of self soothing, but then again those of us with out wit must use whatever devices we can including the much loathed yet most popular method of adolescents everywhere...of "I'm better than you because I say so."

THIS WOMAN’S WORK

On August the 1st 1999 at three o’clock in the morning my phone rang. A voice I knew as well as my own responded to my hello. “I know you weren’t going to come till in the morning, but would you come up here now, I don’t want to be alone.” it said. This voice sounded different, I had been hearing it her entire life…yet it wasn’t as familiar as it had always been…there was a tinge of fear, anticipation, worry and excitement in it like I had never heard before. “I’ll be there in about 30mins” was my reply. I got up got dressed, told my husband I was going to the hospital and I left. On the drive to the hospital I had a thousand thoughts running through my head, the most repetitive one being, let it all go smoothly. I arrived at the hospital about a min before a young not bad looking anesthesiologist. He came into the room to administer an epidural. It was the largest needle I had ever seen in my life. I held her head and encouraged her to focus on me as he injected the elixir into her spine. The nurse informed me that now she would be in the room at all times. The three women in the room her, the nurse, and myself began a conversation. No she hadn’t had any difficult contractions yet the epidural was a precautionary method…there was a chance the cervix softener which had been used hours ago would not be enough and they would have to use a drug injected directly into the I.V. to induce hard labor. The small stranger who had yet to breath air outside of the woman’s body was two weeks late. I yawned as the conversation faded into the sounds of machines beeping information and details understood only by the nurse. I began to fall asleep sitting up on the edge of the bed holding her hand. The nurse showed me how the chair in the room folded out to become an uncomfortable excuse for a much to small bed. I was given a pillow and a blanket. I took off my glasses, silently chastising myself for not having thought to put my contacts in, lied back and dozed off.

A little more than an hr later the nurse was calling my name and nudging me gently but insistently. I sat up rubbed my eyes put on my glasses, and looked over to the woman. She looked different, she had small beads of sweat on her forehead and her eyes were closed, her breathing was labored, and every now and then she would take large breaths of air and hold them for just a fraction of a second. She looked over at me…”They were just about to give me the medicine to start labor when the contractions started, they have been getting worse since.” She tells me. I look to the nurse “If there is anyone you want to call you should call them now, there isn’t much time” She informed me. I make two phone calls. Then I make my way over to the bed and wipe her forehead and kiss her and take her hand in mine. Less than 10mins later the room seems to fill magically. As if someone pushed a silent alarm. There were people everywhere all nurses and drs. There was added equipment machines, incubators and a scale. She was instructed to begin pushing. I was joined in the room by her partner, who helped to bring this child into being. I grabbed a leg and began to encourage her to bring the life in her womb to the world. In an instant the bottom half of the bed was taken away, a large plastic bag was put in it’s place and an official looking man in a white coat was sitting on a stool between her thighs. With everyone working together like a well oiled machine, she was encouraged to push, getting only a few seconds of breathing time in between pushes. Finally only about 5mins into what they call “hard labor” I was told to come and look, I was hesitant…after all that’s a hugely messy area. I sucked in all my breath and took a step forward, bent my head and saw a large black circle…”what is that?” I asked “That’s the head” came the answer from somewhere. A level of excitement rose in me like nothing I had ever felt before, “She’s almost here!” I excitedly reported to the woman, as if she had no idea what was going on. Less than a min later I heard a sigh come from this woman unlike any I had ever heard before it felt as if the entire universe sighed with her. Just 10seconds later the child was free from her body. “It’s a girl” someone announced.

As I stood next to her body still holding her leg, while she attempted to finish her woman’s work, I strained to hear the sounds of a new life. There were none. I looked around the room and asked the first set of eyes I met “Is she okay?” No one answered. I was instructed to let her leg go, she was told to relax, her work was done it was all up the dr. now. She began to look curiously around the room as well. “Why isn’t she crying?” she asked no one in particular. We could both see the small body move around the room. Each person she was handed to explored another part of her body and announced their findings to a tall quiet woman in the corner with a pen and chart. When the small, plump, pink and red baby made it’s way to the final machine and nurse, there was some kind of goop placed unceremoniously in both of her eyes, as a cloth was rubbed over her face and head, in that instant a sound began to emerge. A loud piercing instinctual cry filled the room. The woman and I looked at each other with tears in our eyes and our souls raw and open, and smiled.

An hour later, the room is full of family, there is a sense of joy, excitement, wonder and activity in the room. There is also, much harder to detect, a feeling of sadness. She is sitting up in the bed now, after having her body sewn back into place. She was holding the silent, tiny miracle wrapped in a blanket up to her chest. She was touching her fingers and kissing her face. Watching her gently run her fingers over the babies black bunch of hair, I realized I was watching the universe’s ultimate miracle, a child was born, as was a mother. She was lost in the sweet smell, and soft feel of the babies’ skin, hair and breath. There was no talking in the room people were standing around just watching this woman with this brand new helpless life. After what seemed like an eternity, she looks over at me.

“Do you want her?” she asks me. It seems to most like an odd choice of words, Would you like to hold her would have made more sense to most, but then most wouldn’t understand the situation anyway. I walk to the side of the bed. I look her deep in her black eyes. Eyes I have seen and known, it seems, since time began. She asks her question again. “Do you want her?” I lean in close to both of them. “Yes” comes my answer so quiet and weak I could barely hear myself. She looks at the baby again, and then says. “She does everything in her own time, even being born. Don’t rush her. Please take care of her.” She leans towards me and hands me the bundle, I take the small perfect angelic figure in my arms I look past the tiny life she has just placed in my arms and instead I look at the woman sitting before me. I lean in to her ear, “I promise you she will have a better life than we did, I promise you she will want for nothing. Thank you. I love you sissy.” She touches my face and we kiss, we both have tears in our eyes, she leans down kisses the tiny female’s forehead and guides her head as I step back. The monumental figurative and literal meaning of the exchange that has just taken place is lost on no one in the room. I stand back looking at the beautifully perfect child in my arms as I walk slowly to the window. I look out to the bright day outside. I lift the small child to my face, and tell her “welcome to the world, it’s a beautiful place. You will always be safe and loved.” I turn around to look back at the woman. She has changed again, she seems tired now, smaller, quieter and somewhat lost. She smiles at me in a ignorant unknowing way.

The woman is gone. The confused adult child has returned. She is again the same child in a woman’s body I have always known. There was some time there when she was complete…a few brief minuets when she was not confused or immature or lost or mentally incomplete….there was a brief time when she was part of the universe part of something I will never fully understand something I will never feel, an experience I will never have. If only for those few brief moments she was whole, she was everything I had always wanted for her. She was a woman.

Two days later I would take that tiny and perfect human being home, she would be my daughter from that day forward. I would forever be connected to the woman in a special mysterious way only the universe itself could ever comprehend.

That woman was my sister. One of the strongest women I will ever know. She made a sacrifice that day, only a woman could understand the weight of. She made a sacrifice that day not many women would be strong enough to handle. She made a mother where there wasn’t one before.

My daughter is 11yrs old today. I will cherish and revel in her existence today, I will also remember the reason she is here, the reason I’ve had the last 11yrs. I will remember the sacrifice made for her, by her Aunt Toni. I will remember the promise I made. I will remember to send a ball of appreciative and loving energy to my sister. I will remember to thank the universe.

I will remember the circumstances in which I became a mother and in which a mother became an Aunt, circumstances in which a female child was entrusted from one sister to another, and the ultimate sacrifice was made when this woman’s work was done.


Monica Turner
August 1st 2010