Want, Bitch, Selfish, Mother...all that I am.

Okay so it's been awhile since I took the time to blog and since it has been so long I decided to blog about something important.....wait....it's coming....ok so you see why I haven't blogged in so long....I seem to have used all my energy up at work....(extra hours you know)....and now I have nothing to blog about....right so you know how you just get in the mood to have a sausage and cheese mcmuffin from micky dees in the morning....no it's not something I do all the time it's not even something I do often...which is why it is so annoying to me that they always seem to have the dumbest person working in the morning....is there really no one of with any semblance of intelligence willing to work at micky dees in the a.m.? And since I have started this obvious bitch fest there are a few other things that annoy me to....such as do you ever catch a movie about half an hour in and it just grabs your attention so you hit the handy dandy guide button to see when it will be on next so you can watch the whole thing....only to find out it isn't....it's not on the guide apparently someone decided anyone who ever would be or could be interested in this movie has the know how and ability to watch it at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Wednesday. So if that's true why is it when I ask someone about it no one has ever heard of it....can it be it's just a big hoax and the movie just appeared on t.v. for my sake and no one else in the universe caught it at 3:38 in the afternoon on Wednesday? Any way other things going on in my life....lets see....oh ok the closer my impending unemployment gets, the scarier it all seems, I am torn I am excited about the prospect of being a housewife again and being able to spend some much needed attention on my own child....at the same time I have the massive financial woes of our family to deal with....I feel like I'm leaving somewhat in the lurch...now I of course understand there is nothing at this point I can do about it, but I have to admit that is the case because of my own selfishness. I have a plethora of experience in my particular field and I know I could walk into any daycare in the tri-state area and have a job....not bragging just fact....but I don't want to.... I simply just don't want it anymore. I don't want to change diapers and say "no" and "please eat with your spoon" and "we don't hit our friends" and other like preschool teacher phrases. I know people who would gladly do this job for the rest of their lives and always be very happy doing so....I just don't want to....I don't want to be one of those old women who avoids their grandchildren because I am so burnt out from being with children. One of the ways I have convinced myself having one child and not several (as I had always hoped to) is because I told myself there will be life after there will be a period of time when my daughter is grown and there are no children to take care of....to give advice and money to yes there will always be but to hover over and struggle with every single day no....there will come a time when she just needs me in a standby position....when I am more of an after thought for her....and as much as I will hate that and as much as I will miss her and the constant need of her for me it is a part of life and I believe that any and every good parent knows this day will come and though it will suck and be the greatest heartache for us as parents it will also be a kind of Independence a chance to focus again on ourselves to think after a very long absence what do I want...not what do I need or have to do or what would she want or what does she need....just me what do I want....though it may sound selfish to many I hope that one day I do think these thoughts....if I do it is proof I as a parent have done my job and raised a confident independent forward thinking active lively intelligent capable happy loving member of society....and when you get to the heart of a mother isn't that her greatest accomplishment....isn't that what she wants for all of her children....just to know their ok and with or without her they can make and live a great life....I know I do. Any way so I'm torn about my sense of duty and my wants I can't help but think I deserve to love my job I deserve to want to go to work everyday. I do know and I love it, I look forward to going to work every morning, even with my feeling of betrayal and manipulation by my boss I still love my job. I just want to feel that no matter what I choose to do and I know that if I stay with my current career field I know I wont. So there it is my random thoughts and an update on my mind....not that I can keep up with it anymore than any one else can.