Change.....

I was talking to a very young friend tonight when I found myself admitting something to her...I hate change...I told her....I am better at it 'cuse I'm older and unfortunately increase in age is the cause of much change....but I still hate it...now don't misunderstand...I appreciate change...I understand it....hell I've even asked for it....yearned for it....implored it to come....yet it always seems it's a long time into the new before I get my feet back in a comfortable place....before my level of confidence is fully restored. After our talk I began to think....nay....ponder this query....why am I so totally wanton of change yet still so fearful of it.... is this something we grow out of in time or is this a personality trait like....always being the class clown or being a rejection junkie....I wander if the changes in my life have been more toward the negative than the positive....perhaps that's why I am still so uneasy about it. For instance I have had a book in my head since I was in my twenties....now although I have always had superior maturity to my peers of age....even I didn't have the stability to actually write it in my twenties....this book has come up again and again lately....I've had dreams about it...I have daydreamed and seen myself writing it....I know I have the talent to write it I know if I did it well it would go somewhere....at least that's what I tell myself....so why haven't I done it...I'm scared when I write it...well what if it's all that's kept my head full all these years...what will happen to my inner thoughts when the story is actually out on paper and not inside me anymore...I have turned to this memoir for everything from something to do when I'm in the line at the grocery store to using it as a mental sanctuary during times of horror. Even as I write this blog entry I know it sounds nuts and a weak reason but it's simply just the idea of change. A change of internal thought. Oh I don't know. I'm at this time in my life once again hoping for change...once again imploring it to come into being....maybe....just maybe....this time I won't have as long an adjustment time as I have had in the past....maybe...hopefully!