Tested

Ok so anyone who knows me knows I have some.....issues with pregnancy. They also know why, not that the reason justifies my feelings but I must say about this particular issue I don't feel I have to be justified in my feelings. I am a woman, a woman who will forever feel like she missed out on a major part of being a woman. I am a mother thanks to my sister and the great universe. I will always be thankful for the experience I have been allowed to have, but I will also always grieve for the experience I did not. I think I have grown a lot in this area, someone very close to me has been trying to get pregnant for awhile and I was actually starting to get excited about it. Seeing this miracle from no matter how far away has always fascinated me, and I was stoked about getting the opportunity to do that. Then recently I found out that two other women in my inner circle are expecting. I am so happy for them, but I cant help wonder if I'm being tested in some way. I was ready to deal with my feelings of inadequacy, and jealousy with my close friend but I also knew I had some time to adjust. These women are already in the second trimester. I am happy for my friends no matter what else the joy of a child is one to be celebrated. However it is not the slow I have time to adjust experience I had hoped for. This of course I recognize are insane and unfair ways to feel about the situation, to hear me talk about it this was something done to hurt me and make me uncomfortable. I'm not so self centered that I think that, I know it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I also know that to be my definition of a good friend it means being supportive and joining in their excitement. The icing on the cake for all of this is they don't want another child either of them. They both readily admit this wasn't what they wanted to happen, so for the millionth time (you'd think I would be used to it by now) I am witness to some one who doesn't necessarily want what they have, when here I sit unable to have what I want. Its unfair. I know I know life's not fair, god never gives us anything he doesn't think we can handle, I know all the, that which does not kill us makes us stronger, I know all the little pearls of wisdom. But I gotta admit they are of little consolation, and no matter how much I've grown, and believe it or not its been a lot, I can't get past the thinking of what I'll never have and what so many seem to take for granted. And of course I don't dare say anything because the response is always the same ("Shes so selfish she can't just get over herself and be happy for someone else. She's always so fake around preg women and she has actually lost friends because they were preg and she can't handle it, she's just such a bitch!") Mind you none of them not a single one has sat where I am, some have sat in worse places but not a one has been on the road I'm on. I am really tripping its been along time since I was faced with this issue at all and now it seems to be everywhere. I want to be a good friend, but not at the expense of my own sanity. I am scared I'm about to loose all the really good friends I have. I'm scared this.........I don't know what I'm scared of I just know its scary. Am I being tested, and if I am will I pass?