A long hard look at friendships.....or lack there of!

When I was younger I believed that friendships were fun, and easy. I believed that if someone wasn't fun then there was no point in our being friends. I believed that if this other person added something to me we were good friends. I believed if I could be myself around them, then they were good for me and were a true friend.

I'm not so young now and I don't believe what or like I used to. I no longer believe friendships are supposed to be fun and easy. I no longer believe that someone who isn't fun isn't worth having as a friend. I no longer someone has to add something to me to be a good friend. I no longer believe being allowed to be myself around someone means they are a good, and true friend.

I have discovered most of the attributes I used to believe defined a friendship, I have found in some of my most cunning enemies. People who put up a guise, and let me believe all the things I had since I was young. Its hard to spot these people and I am sure there are so many more I have yet to even discover in my life. It makes me wonder though. When did I stop believing? When was it this massive realization hit me? Was it a person? A few people perhaps? Or just another coming of age cliche' something that everyone comes to realize in their own time? I think back to all of the "friends" I've had in my life and I can pinpoint almost exactly every time they hurt, or let me down. Yet some of these people I still call my friends to this day. Ahhh, but alas, I can also name a group of people who have been my "friend" for a very short time and have done me no disloyalty. Is it just a matter of time? Does every "friend" we have disappoint, hurt, anger, or let us down? Is it perhaps that we have skewed the idea of friendship to a point that it is so blurred we no longer understand what the true definition is?

And then there's me. How many people have called me a friend just to be hurt or angered or disappointed or let down? How many people have I been disloyal to under the guise of being their "friend"? If I knew it, would I think I was justified in doing these things? Is it ok to be hurtful because you have been hurt? If I was never as good a "friend" as I thought was, is it right to expect someone to be a great "friend" to me? I look at my daughter today and I see her with her childhood "friends" some of them I just get the feeling she will know forever. Others I want to warn her about. Not that I think they will hurt or anger her but I fear they will disappoint her. I feel just by knowing where they come from and how they were raised you can begin to see what kind of "friend" they will be. So why can't I see that with people I bring into my own life? Why are their guises so much harder to see through and protect myself against?

Now I believe a true friend tells me how it is even if I don't like it, though always knows when I need to be lied for my own good. I believe I can be myself though a good friend, would tell me when I'm not being the best me I can be. I believe a good friendship is one that can allow you to not see or speak to each other for years and yet when you do it's as if no time has passed. I believe a friendship is not always fun, we see each other through hard and sad and scary times to. I believe a person who is good for me doesn't need to add anything to me, because they think I'm great as is. I believe I have very few friends who fit this description. And as I reread what I have written the number of "friends" I believed I had when I started this blog has reduced......greatly. I believe that's sad.......but it's what I believe.

I believe to be a good friend I need to know when a friend is hurting and be willing to put aside any issues I may have about anything to be there for them. I believe I need to add nothing to them, if I call myself their "friend" I already love them and their shortcomings. I believe I don't always have to make it fun as long as I make it real. I believe sometimes they as their friend I have to be honest, unless they need lied to for their own sake. I believe it's ok if our lives take different paths as long as I try to stay connected in some way and make them know I'm here. I believe I have not always been a good "friend", but I can always try harder.

Hope for the future

So a lot of the stresses about money have relaxed, but I still feel worn. I can't seem to make anybody understand why I am so stressed and demanding. Its more than just "the bride" syndrome. I've done this before I know what it takes to make a marriage a good one. I've seen a great many examples. I have also personally experienced a not so great one. I know or at least believe in my heart we have what it takes to make it. Were both going into this wiser than most. We understand that a great marriage doesn't happen overnight and doesn't mean I always like you, or even that I always wanna be with you. It does mean I always love you, and after my mood lifts I will wanna be with you again. I read a quote that said "Marriage means falling in love again and again, always with the same person." I believe this with my whole heart. So because I have this infinite wisdom in my cranium I do want everything this time that the last time wasn't. I want to dance at my wedding I want to have a wonderful honeymoon I want a dinner I want to be the belle of the ball. I just want it beautiful and perfect. Is that to much to ask? I think not are only uppity wealthy debutante socialites allowed to have the picture perfect weddings? Where is it in the rule book, if your paying for it yourself and you work a blue collar job that you have to have a crappy unmemorable special day? As I continually remind everyone around me "It's my special fucking day and I'm a special fucking princess." I stole that quote from someone who used to be very important to me. I'm not trying to sound like I'm complaining, really I'm not who knows it may all turn out perfect. It may just be that all the details are taken care of and now my biggest worry is that all will happen as I have pictured in my head. Let's hope anyway. Oh the whole point of this is the reason why it's so important to me is because this is the first large milestone of our lives together, and I want it to be one of the best memories we share. I want this wedding and honeymoon to be something we look back on and say "we did it our way and it was perfect." I have the guy I have the ring I have my daughter, if the wedding happens as I hope, all that's left is the house and a very small very adorable yorkie, and a very large and very sweet english mastiff, then sit back and just keep livin! That's what I'm working toward make all the dreams come true, and sit back and just keep livin! L-I-V-I-N!! Never forgetting to smell the roses, kiss the kids, make love passionately, laugh, smile, and love!

Allow me to be the Bride!

We booked the Honeymoon suite! I guess if nothing else turns out we'll at least have a room to hang out in. I was under the impression that it was my job as the bride to stress, about whatever I felt needed to be stressed out about. Their are people around me who would have me think otherwise. Their has been a lot going on not just with our wedding but life in general. Given the circumstances as they are I feel I should be allowed to be as stressed or "dramatic" as I choose to be. After all I haven't been a "bridezilla" through the whole process I only have about a month left. Its not that I want to be overly dramatic, and stressed it's just that it's crunch time and I feel if I haven't let it get to me till now (actually I just haven't been showing it getting to me) I should be allowed to let some of those feeling out now. My fiancee and I have done everything for this wedding by ourselves, and I feel that has made us closer. I don't think that gives anyone who jumps in during the last min. of the game the right to tell me I'm being overly dramatic. There have been decisions made and disappointments faced by just the two of us. Lately some have acted as if I couldn't have done this without them, or that they had done it all. When the truth is no one has, we have made this wedding what it is thus far by ourselves. I'm fine with that I just don't think because someone is now making themselves use full or trying to be useful that they have the right to complain about my attitude. I am the bride! Not a typical one I'll agree but a bride none the less and if I want to feel that the whole process is falling apart at the seems, that is my right. If I want to say out loud that I feel it's all just been a shitty process and nothing seems to be working that's my right. I also feel if they don't want to hear about it or if they feel they have heard it enough then they don't have to participate. I do want my wedding to be perfect. I do want the ceremony to be beautiful. I do want the honeymoon to be romantic. I want everything every other bride wants. I don't feel it should matter that this is mine and his second marriage. I don't feel anyone should have to lie about how they feel about it either. If they are not in support I only wish they would admit that and remove themselves from the process. I am no less of a bride than anyone else. I would love for things to go smoothly and for everything to be like a fairytale, but this is reality, and things get messy and stressful, and screwed up. I just want to be allowed to stress over them to be disappointed when they don't work out and to have the right to express that. I just want to be the bride, all the craziness and drama and stress that goes with it.