Tested

Ok so anyone who knows me knows I have some.....issues with pregnancy. They also know why, not that the reason justifies my feelings but I must say about this particular issue I don't feel I have to be justified in my feelings. I am a woman, a woman who will forever feel like she missed out on a major part of being a woman. I am a mother thanks to my sister and the great universe. I will always be thankful for the experience I have been allowed to have, but I will also always grieve for the experience I did not. I think I have grown a lot in this area, someone very close to me has been trying to get pregnant for awhile and I was actually starting to get excited about it. Seeing this miracle from no matter how far away has always fascinated me, and I was stoked about getting the opportunity to do that. Then recently I found out that two other women in my inner circle are expecting. I am so happy for them, but I cant help wonder if I'm being tested in some way. I was ready to deal with my feelings of inadequacy, and jealousy with my close friend but I also knew I had some time to adjust. These women are already in the second trimester. I am happy for my friends no matter what else the joy of a child is one to be celebrated. However it is not the slow I have time to adjust experience I had hoped for. This of course I recognize are insane and unfair ways to feel about the situation, to hear me talk about it this was something done to hurt me and make me uncomfortable. I'm not so self centered that I think that, I know it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I also know that to be my definition of a good friend it means being supportive and joining in their excitement. The icing on the cake for all of this is they don't want another child either of them. They both readily admit this wasn't what they wanted to happen, so for the millionth time (you'd think I would be used to it by now) I am witness to some one who doesn't necessarily want what they have, when here I sit unable to have what I want. Its unfair. I know I know life's not fair, god never gives us anything he doesn't think we can handle, I know all the, that which does not kill us makes us stronger, I know all the little pearls of wisdom. But I gotta admit they are of little consolation, and no matter how much I've grown, and believe it or not its been a lot, I can't get past the thinking of what I'll never have and what so many seem to take for granted. And of course I don't dare say anything because the response is always the same ("Shes so selfish she can't just get over herself and be happy for someone else. She's always so fake around preg women and she has actually lost friends because they were preg and she can't handle it, she's just such a bitch!") Mind you none of them not a single one has sat where I am, some have sat in worse places but not a one has been on the road I'm on. I am really tripping its been along time since I was faced with this issue at all and now it seems to be everywhere. I want to be a good friend, but not at the expense of my own sanity. I am scared I'm about to loose all the really good friends I have. I'm scared this.........I don't know what I'm scared of I just know its scary. Am I being tested, and if I am will I pass?

OPTIMISM

Okay so if the universe is trying to tell me something I am apparently not getting it. If some people had been privy to some of the things that had been happening lately to us and our wedding plans, some people might suspect the whole things just not supposed to happen at all. However some people just don't know us very well. I have tried to adopt a positive no matter what happens it will be okay attitude. I am laughing or trying to laugh off the constant stream of stupidity, ignorance, unlucky happenstance and just plain rudeness, that we have been battered with recently. If it rains on the big day it is said to be a sign of good luck. I predict it will be hotter than hell and humid as Alabama in the summer. I also predict that on our 20th wedding anniversary when I feel the need to have another wedding and we decide to renew our vows that it will all be smoother and a much easier process. I feel the need to constantly remind myself that the people who really matter the friends and family who are trying and succeeding in being supportive are the only ones we should take into account.
I know we couldn't be happier about the upcoming nuptials, and I have to believe in the old fairy tale theory that good always trumps evil. Even as I write this I wonder what the next disaster will be I think about it smiling because I know it wont stop us and once again I'm trying to be positive. It's not the most romantic beginning to a fairy tale but its our fairy tale, not those Grimm brothers. So its supposed to be more real, and its supposed to reflect us and our lives. If everything went off without a hitch it would be a fictionalized account, not a fairy tale. Not that it is or was or will be a "fairy tale" but with a love like this I gotta think if Cinderella or sleeping beauty lived in my town we would have things to talk about. We would have things in common. They would have better complexion, but after all they are a drawn and colored cartoon. So I must just be thankful for what the universe has given us, each other, good friends, some great family (even if we are all crazy), great kids, lovely animals, and health. I've always heard that it's not getting what you want it's wanting what you've got. I know right now I will prolly never stop wanting for more, but I also gotta admit what I got is pretty damn good, and I let to many days go by without reminding myself of that fact. So to all the doubters, and naysayers, to all the saboteurs, and those looking down their noses at us I say thank you. Thank you for taking any interest at all even if you choose to do so in a negative light.

Oh and one more thing to all of you who hope for nothing good for us Watch this!!

The real definition of maturity

So I looked up the definition of the word mature. This word has been thrown around a lot lately, a lot by me. The definition say its an adj. the meaning is completely developed; at full growth; something as a bond at a bank that is due and payable. So according to this definition, I am physically mature, other than the possibility of getting even fatter, I have reached full maturity physically. What I find most interesting is the fact that mentally, pyscologically a person may never fully mature. We as the human race are always growing and learning and continually "maturing", therefore in my opinion anyway, saying I am trying to be mature by handling a situation in a certain way is incorrect if I know how it will turn out. This is not maturity, but manipulation. If I know that by not telling someone what they have done to hurt me will lead to there being no solution then, I am not being mature I am simply manipulating the situation to be what I want it to be. However when I have tried to solve the issues by being available and making an effort to resolve them, and the other person involved chooses not to make an effort for their part of the situation, then that person is manipulating the situation, not being immature. I make this realization because I am tired of chalking everything up to maturity. Maturity or lack there of gets the blame for everything. Its not maturity's fault that I was hurt, its not maturities fault that I did not allow that person to know how I felt and what harm they had done me. And its not maturities fault that the person I speak or type of seems to have no desire to make this very volatile and hurtful situation disappear. I just wanted to make it clear to myself more than anything. Its not maturity its manipulation, the definition of which is to handle or manage shrewdly and deviously for one's own profit. Now there's a definition that fits my actions. And I must think until otherwise specified the actions of the other person.

The Dilemma

I am unsure if I should concern myself with problems created by other people, when they seem to have no desire to solve them. I have been accused recently of not letting people know of the problems or issues I have with them, and by doing so not allowing them the ample ability to fix them. I have offered such services. I have made myself available, and yet it still seems to be of no priority. So I've been hurt, big deal I should just put my big girl panties on and get over it. Well I say to hell with that. I am a big girl I do deal and yet even when I try to be mature and move on I am told that would only be the "fake" way around the situation. Don't deny you have been hurt Monica, and don't deny the other people the right to defend themselves and make amends. Well I took that advice and here I sit unfulfilled and not only still hurt and left to get over it, but now I'm pist. If you have done someone wrong your response to finding this out should be "this is what I will do to make it better" not "tell me what I can do to make it better". This advice was given to me by someone I thought was a friend, someone who I thought I was a priority to......not a top priority mind you I would never expect such, but I thought I was at least on the list of 50. I apparently was sadly mistaken. So now I must decide what to do. Keep my mouth shut, as I have been doing. Go on about life and put all my hurt away again. Or walk, which is what I am most accustomed to doing. If I choose to cut this person out of my life it affects so many people. People I love and would die for. I am also reminded of another saying "if momma aint happy aint nobody happy". Would my family suffer if I choose to just shut up and deal? I can assure I most certainly would. So the dilemma is this deal with the thorn in my heal or cut off my foot..........well I do have two feet.

No middle ground in sight.

I have hurt and been hurt. Alot lately so it would seem, and no matter how many attempts to communicate it seems to get no better, there seems to be no middle ground in sight. I am currently in a situation with 3 yes 3 of the most important people to me. Each one thinks I am being aloof and unavailable, they each seem to feel that the only problems I have are with them. They don't know of the situation with each other and therefore they have no idea i'm dealing with anything but them on an individual basis. Chet doesn't even know about 1. I don't want to fight anymore with anyone. I don't want to argue with my daughter to eat her vegetables any more. I don't want to have to deal with the non-parenting style of my ex-husband, I don't want everything with my fiancees family to be a fight and I don't want to disagree with my boss at every turn. I want to plan my wedding and have a good time doing it. I want to be happy about the situation and enjoy what there is left to do. I didn't choose to do it all with just Chet, but thats the way it is so I just want to adjust and be happy with it. Perhaps this random thought has more to do with me and less with everyone else. I look into the eyes of children everyday and wonder why can't it just be that simple. You get up you get changed you eat you play you work you learn you eat you go to bed and look forward to doing it all again the next day. I know theres no way it can ever be that simple but it would be nice. I am learning I suck at communication. I think I'm not heard maybe because I don't talk. Maybe I get hurt because I'm to sensitive. Maybe I'm missunderstood because I don't communicate thoroughly. I hate that Chet is the only one that gets me. I hate that all that pressure is on him. I picture that he must sit around hearing me talk and then think to himself "now I have to go explain her to them, so they don't missunderstand." I am not a monster. I am not out to ruin the lives of everyone around me, and yet the more I try to communicate the worse it all gets. I wish it could all just stay at surface level, I wish I didn't let my thoughts go any deeper that others wouldn't let my words go any deeper. I wish my actions were not scrutinized to the extreme, and I wish I could learn the art of forgiveness. I mean real forgiveness true forgiveness the kind I read about. The kind that allows a person to breathe a sigh of relief and sleep at night. I only know that I don't or am unable to understand how to. I have let a great many people go in my life and the ability to do so comes easy. Most likely because its always been easier to walk away and forget than to forgive. If given the chance I would still choose to just walk away from my family, it still just makes the most sense. I try to approach everything in a realistic and sensible manner and I find that offends people, they assume its negativity on my part. I haven't been able to live in the fairy land of optimism for a long time. Is it wrong for me to expect people I come in contact with to accept this about me. I do have hopes and dreams. I do want the best for everyone, I can't however rely on the hope alone to make those things happen. It takes action to create reaction. I didn't make that the rule it just is. I do accept and try to live with it. Being the bad guy all the time is getting old. Being the voice of reason all the time is tiring. However I see no one around me who is willing to take the job over. There is no middle ground in sight. I am who I am and I can't or won't change. I am human and therefore imperfect in every way. I make the wrong decisions on a daily basis and I say the wrong things constantly, I'm sure I'm doing it right now. But thats who I am. I know how to survive, I don't know how to please I only know how to come out of a situation with the majority of my mind still intact. I can let something go unoticed by me for so long most people would think I didn't even notice. I'm hard to please but thats because I live in reality and its not easy or pretty most of the time. After all of this rambling of self discover I come to same conclusion I had when I started. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to fight. I don't want to constantly doubt and second guess my own thoughts and actions. I want to be understood and I want to be loved. I want to live in peace and take the time to enjoy the people and world around me. I don't know how to fix what is broken and I choose not to take the time right now to wallow in finding a solution. I just need to live for awhile, and hope that all will fix itself in time. I see no middle ground, the compromise that would end all the situations escapes me.

Toothache

I am in incredible pain. A root canal I had done 3yrs ago has to be taken out and redone. They want to charge $800.00. I can pay that but if I do it will mean no honeymoon in CanCun. Chets suggestion is that I just go on his ins. and it will only cost about $200.00. Obviously that is the smart thing to do. However I didn't want to go on his ins. till after we were married. I just wanted to do something in our relationship in the proper order. I know its crazy it shouldn't matter and in the great scheme of things I guess it doesn't. Anyway so while I drag my feet and try to decide what to do. My mouth feels like someone is cutting on it constantly with a dull knife. Oh my gods I am so unsure what to do. Silly I know it was just one little thing that I could have said we not only did right we actually did in the proper order! OWWW! I hurt!

Another sign of maturity perhaps?

I am a woman, and therefor I lie, or have lied or will lie, or do lie, no matter how you look at it women are some of the best liars in the world. We are taught very young, and early on that when used correctly its a gift maybe even in some cases a blessing. Although I readily admit to being an accomplished liar, I have rarely let a chance escape me to express my feelings when I feel i've been wronged. Yet I find thats just what I did recently. An old friend of mine has hurt me repeatedly recently, so much so I can't imagine they have no idea they've done it. I'm sure the circumstances being what they are they have to know. No one is that daft. Surely. Anyway I recently was given the perfect....nay the pristine opening to express my feelings, I could have let it all fly like I always have. They would have been hurt, and I would have felt somewhat vindicated, but definately better for having said my peace. I can think of a hundred different times in the last 20 some yrs when these opportunities arose that I didn't hesitate to......make them aware of the wrong they had done me. I found however that when the moment arose the need for peace overwhelmed the need for vindication. I know its all still in there and that eventually I'll have to deal with, I'd love to be able to say it doesn't hurt anymore or giving the moment away has somehow healed the wounds, but I can't. It is still there the pain, dissapointment, and feeling of lonelyness, but I can say I feel slightly not much mind you, but slightly more mature. Is it a sign of maturity? Is being able to swallow hurt and not confront those who have hurt you when given the chance, maturity? Or am I mistaking maturity for ease? It was easier to say "theres nothing wrong", it was easier to pretend to be to busy to talk. Ive had many moments in my life when someone hurt me and the opportunity to express how they made me feel never came along. I was'nt faced with the need to decide to, shut up about it. My mother, my biological father, my stepfather, my ex-husband. These people will live the rest of their lives never knowing......or truly understanding what scars they have left behind. The difference this time seems overwhelmingly obvious to me I have to love this person. I have to be with them and know them. The choice of just walking away and "not dealing" isn't there. I wonder if I'm cut out for maturity. I wonder if after all my striving and believing that im on my way i'm just not. If maturity comes with the price of laying down and letting people hurt you and never telling them they did....I gotta think twice about encouraging my daughter to be mature. For the last eight yrs. I've been teaching her the opposite. "When someone hurts you" I tell her, "you tell them, you tell them how they hurt and how it made you feel. Then you give the chance to make it better, if they don't you leave them behind. Your life" I tell her "is too important and special to be wasted on people who will hurt you without caring". I also tell her shes "gonna get hurt and most of the time by someone she loves" as well as, most of the time they don't mean to do it, and when you tell them what they have done and how it made you feel they will express hurt themselves, and shame, and remorse. I'm writing this knowing full well I haven't taken my own advice. I let this person hurt me...... no I didn't let them hurt me, but I did let them get away with it. That is ironically enough who I always said I'd never be. Is this a sign of maturity? Or is this more likely a sign that after 30yrs I've finally run out of fight, a sign perhaps that my spirit has finally been broken, a sign that I'm willing to accept being hurt numorous times and say or do nothing about it as long as it pleases the majority. My mother always wanted a pleasing child.....I wonder if she would be proud of me now. I wonder because I know if it were my daughter saying and doing the things I have I'd shake her and tell her I taught her better than that. Knowing all the while that she learned this behavior from me.....Another sign of maturity perhaps?

Just Begining

Right so where do I begin I'm new at this blogging but a friend told me to check it out, "its like therapy.....without the couch...or the funny looking man with glasses....or the bill" She got me with the last comment. I'm in love madly so he's funny, sexy, warm, caring, and he loves me as much as I do him. He's perfect and although we started in a cloud of chaos and pain we have managed to just come closer and be the better for it all. Now the bad news. His family hates me, all of them. I used to be so close to some of them a few in particular, and they just left. They left me, him, and worst of all my daughter. For awhile I kept up hope they would come around. I thought if I just gave them enough space, and then apologized for whatever wrong they felt I had done them it would all work out. WRONG! Some never came back and some did but it wasn't the same. We were all different people, and in most cases the people we had become....the personalities we had morphed into didn't meld anymore. I was different they were different, it was all different. I was Randall's wife for so long many people were unwilling to see or accept me as anything else. I was becoming an adult for the first time in my life and I was old! I had to learn how to be everything new, a mom, a lover, a friend. Its still new sometimes. Its still difficult in a lot of ways and it seems to me, somewhere along the line I got soft. People seem to hurt me more now than ever. Do I allow that or is that part of growing up? Do they mean to or is it just an accident? I know I'll figure it out eventually, but learning anything new is hard, and as I'm learning painfull.