Friday, May 4, 2012

Shaking out my Thoughts

I consider myself a mature responsible adult, hey I said I considered, I didn't say it was open for debate. As I was saying, I consider myself a mature responsible adult, so it came as quite a shock when I woke up one day and looked around and was surprised to find my life had taken up a life of it's own. I found myself unhappy and suddenly unsatisfied with the way things were looking, feeling and generally just moving along. I have always been one of those women who claims to never want to settle and claims to rarely do so, however when the truth comes out I seem to settle a lot more than I either realize or than I'm just willing to admit. I have caught myself settling for material things that aren't exactly what I want because they are less expensive or they are what someone else wants and close enough to what I was hoping for. I find that while I don't feel I sacrifice any more than any other woman or mother I do feel I seem to have to do it more often than some. I am discovering more about myself everyday. Spiritually I am literally moving in leaps and bounds. My internal voices, instincts, alarms, radars, premonitions and all around energy is so much more clear to me than it has ever been. I feel like I know what every vision means without second guessing, I feel I understand every picture every "feeling" every "I just Know" I no longer don't say to people things I used to hold back on for fear of being wrong or of them not understanding, I simply pass the messages on as they come. I am no longer as concerned with people looking at me strange because they don't understand. I am no longer concerned with the contorted faces as they race back to me in confusion and angst because the message suddenly becomes clear to them weather in a positive or negative way, they always expect some explanation from me as if I have some secret personal phone line to the universe. (I find this part most amusing since these are the same people who tell me I'm nuts when I give them the message in the first place.) I feel when I meditate now I am going into a deeper state of knowing, a higher plane if you will. I don't feel I am any closer to "God" it's just that I seem to be so much more aware of the individuality of every part of my being. I no longer feel as if I am defined by my past or the past I have created for myself. I feel I define myself on a daily basis. I feel I am still who I have always been down deep, strong, independent, trustworthy, honest, hardworking, fair, intelligent, respectful, hard, caring, loving, bitchy, gently, a go getter. Just everything I am and always have been. I'm still a loud mouthed opinionated hard core believe what I believe bitch. The diference I think now is simply, I know in my heart not just because someone else said it but because my soul told me, I am all of these things by right. I have taken not strength not courage not heart not pain not credit nothing I have not earned. As Meatloaf said "I know you've been through the fires of hell and I know you've got the ashes to prove it." I have and I do. I carry those ashes and scars with pride. No one will every know what kind of hells and pain and wounds I have had to endure to become the woman I am today. For as many other woman who have said they admire my strength and ability to handle anything to make things happen to get it done. To hold my head up high no matter what to never let anything knock me down, their are as many woman who have walked away from me. Perhaps my personality, the very thing they say they like so much about me the very thing they say attracted them to want to know me in the first place, is the same thing they end up not being able to handle in the end. My personality drives them away. It's to strong to overbearing, I take up to much of the spotlight. I demand to be treated with to much respect, I demand that other people give as much as I do in a relationship of any kind. I demand fairness. I am a woman who owns up to her responsibilities, I expect others to do the same, no exceptions or excuses. I have found this is not the popular way to think or act. I never was one to follow what was popular....that would explain a lot I guess. Well I've emptied my head for now any way. Until future nonsensical ramblings I hope everyone is happy healthy and Well.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Just cause

It has been so long since I blogged...I've had blog ideas strike out at me for weeks now I just never seem to get a chance to sit down and let it all out of my fingertips. So this entire rant may make no sense at may just end up being me vomiting at the fingertips.

One of the idea's I had for a blog in the last couple of weeks happened like this...I was sitting in the clubhouse with the family one evening and for some reason a comment was made and I silently thought to myself...I don't know who I am...I can't think of one characteristic about me that doesn't make me something to someone I'm a mother my child. I'm a my husband. What am I to me? I can't use any of those seemingly always used by narcissist's adj' know caring, kind, generous, fun....I mean really...If I didn't have to to be a productive member of society I wouldn't be any of those things....I would be that old hag who lives in the spooky looking house at the end of the street...where none of the neighborhood children would dare rescue a ball from...and stories were told about beloved family pets that had gone missing near the overgrown fence. I mean really...I would hold to no rules of society if I was perfectly happy living alone with a cat or two. Deep down inside...I'm just selfish enough to even enjoy it.

On an opposite end of the spectrum the other thought for a blog I had was just a sheer and complete moment of bliss.
It couldn't have been more simple or more blessed...I believe it was a Fri evening and somehow I don't remember how it ended up being just my sisters and I sitting at the table...I don't remember exactly now what the conversation was but I remember it was about sex....There was a moment when I looked around and we were all laughing...I wanted to close my eyes and memorize the sound...after all this time....after all the wasted attempts at friendship and attempts to make strong "Sex in the City" like female relationships....I had them...I had my army of ovaries...or as I like to call them...My Porn*Stars! Unlike some women I have always been extremely dependant and needful of my relationships with other women...I no doubt have mommy issues! So there I was totally in a moment of pure delight and contentment and another thought ran through my will they ever know how much it means to will they ever much joy and happiness they give me.

I think I'll leave the rest for now...but fear not I'll be back soon...with no telling what to say!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Welcome back to Wonderland Alice.......

As if I were Alice in Wonderland I was thrown into some strange kind of other world a world I recognized...a world I remember as much as I wanted to forget it. As convinced as I had been just seconds earlier that I had just invented it like a story in a book it was suddenly in front of me. The white rabbit had grown older but he was still carrying his watch yelling "I'm late" I was mouth agape. It seemed as though all time had if there was no one else on the planet...I could feel my blood flow in my veins...I could feel my hair growing I could see into the future...I could taste the air...I could hear grass grow...yes Wonderland that's what this was...Wonderland...where I had not been in so many years...I had forgotten how to get there.... indeed it is a wondrously terrifying place.

It happened so fast I had no time to adjust or ease into the idea. I remember seeing the arm...I felt in my heart I knew who's is was....but when reality kicked in and I knew it was her....the breath left my body and all I could say was "Mom" She looked older but she hadn't changed much...later I would think was a blessing as it may imply I will age as gracefully. She told me she wanted to let me know about my grandmother...her mother had died on Tues.

My grandmother's dead. My mother is standing in front of me....I was oblivious to anything going on around me when I blinked however there he was....bigger than life and glaring just as I remembered him. There were here....the enemy had found their way into the utopia I had created for myself and mini-me. Wonderland hadn't changed much in fact...all the characters were the same. I felt suddenly as if I was being watched by if the enemy was at the gates and it was time to prepare for an invasion....but a fear crept in...quickly and suddenly...I have gotten soft....I wasn't ready...I didn't have a back up plan...nothing is prepared for...I wasn't ready with my overly confident facade.....I wasn't ready with an escape the time it takes one to nervously and gently speak five sentences she had told me...of my grandmothers death, that she was with her when she passed, that my aunt was with then as well, that she had known where I lived, and she had spoken to my daughter. It would be hours before I felt myself breath again.

Suddenly I've drank the odd concoction again just as before I was 15yrs old again....I was surviving because nothing actually "lived" there...I was again hit with the same panicked thought I had anytime they were mentioned or thought of....I needed to get out...get my kid and get gone...I needed to get on my toes....I needed to be back on constant alert...after all this time I can still feel the terror, anger, hatred, disgust, disappointment, confusion, hurt and mistrust all over dare I let myself be caught off a matter of mins they were gone...I was slower in my later years...but when my mind caught up my body went into action...I allowed panic to take over...a quiet unrecognizable to anyone but me panic....I would spend the next few hours looking behind me and finding paralyzing fear strike me when the doorbell rang or someone knocked or my phone rang....My mind was in a storm of chaos...I didn't know which emotion to feel...I didn't know which thought should take priority one...mourning...or shock....after all this time...I am still that little girl....after so many years of false self convinced safety and all came to an end in an instant...the mirrors were broken and shattered the smoke cleared and the lights were replaced with the warm harsh light of the make believe world was disemboweled suddenly swarmed by the red queen and her army of cards I was left feeling naked, young and raw.

I have been numb mind is still in chaos and I'm still not breathing today until I put myself back to right I'm afraid a switch has been flicked...the survivor has been awakened the warrior has been called back to action. I don't know what will happen or where it will lead but I do remember these switch's well enough to know they have been turned on. It's as though I'm at a never ending tea party with the Mad Hatter and's about getting out alive at the end of the matter what condition you come out just try to get out alive.

Even as I mind is so different than what it always I will overcome...I will strike first and I will draw first blood...this foe is not unknown and therefore I have some advantage...I will also rely on an old friend a wise and tricky one....underestimation....I will be underestimated...that will play in my favor...I also have time on my side...I've had lots of time to hone my skills and even perhaps learn a few new ones. So the warrior stirs and prepares for battle again after so many years of ready....your patience and experience will serve you well. Now back down the rabbit hole...back to...Wonderland.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Saying good bye to 2010

This post has been a long time coming. As much as I love to blog and always have something to say...I have been avoiding this blog post for awhile now. I'm not even gonna get into why I've been avoiding it. On to the actual post!

To say this last year was a whirlwind would be an understatement. I will attempt to start somewhere near the beginning if you look back at other posts some of this may actually be there.

If I remember clearly BigDaddy was laid off in January...for a couple of weeks...then in February the adoption went through and BigDaddy became "DaD" officially. We spent some really wonderful weekends at the fact we went to the lake for BigDaddy's birthday we had an amazing time.

We had a few more amazing weekends at the lake...needless to say I am truly excited about lake season this year.

-The Family-
I remember an evening at my brother and sisters house...we had just finished dinner and the four of us were sitting in the driveway, because when all the kids are together it's easier to just let them have the house or yard which ever they happen to want at the time! :) I can't repeat the conversation word for word...I just remember it was not like any I had had before...actually that's not was similar to the conversation my Mr. Right and I had before we decided to get married. It was no nonsense, straight to the point, with purpose, and though it may have seemed like just another conversation between would turn out to be so much more. Almost every really big action in my life was preceded by a poignant conversation...adopting mini me, marrying Mr. Right, choosing a family. What I can tell you about this conversation is that it became apparent that my brother had chosen us to join his "chosen" family. What my brother and sister, I'm sure, still don't know, till they read this anyway, is that I have longed for a strong family unit to call my own for so long the yearning had become a constant never ending thorn that I had simply learned to adjust to.

I just knew the fantasy family I had in my head would never come to be...there was no way...people don't just find other people in the world and decide they want to be family and just adopt each other...things like that just don't happen. Turns out they do....and not just in romance novels. My brother said quite a few things that night...I remember sister didn't say much...but that's her way...she doesn't love as easy or as quickly as my brother...but once she's in...she's in all the way. The whole of the conversation was simple...we have this idea of what family should be...once your in that's it your family "done deal" as my brother would say. There is no half ass or uncertainty involved...when you agree to be part of the family it's like a's for a lifetime. In good and health and poor and wealthy are a family.

To some this entire scene may seem like something out of a Steven King novel...something like a cult or club or group. I didn't see it like that. I saw it as the thing I had been wanting in mine, Mr. Right's and mini-me's life for a long time. I could tell the weight of this conversation and seriousness with which my brother explained the idea made it seem to me it was something he had thought on for a while. I could not nor will I ever be able to explain why he chose to have this talk with us....I can only be thankful he did. So Mr. Right and I chose a family...and lucky us it came complete with nephews, nieces, 3sisters and two brothers. Mini-me got aunt's and uncle's and cousin's out of the deal.

The best part about a chosen want to be around want to talk to want them to know what's going on in your life and you want to know whats going on in theirs you want to party with them to celebrate with them to share in their joys and disappointments and you want them to share in yours. Unlike the family one was born with...we don't love and enjoy one another because we have to....we do it because we want to...because when the family is together it feels feels feels like your not alone in the feels like family should. So after this conversation and following conversations we all put our money and arms where our mouths were and inked it to make it official. We are F4L. We are family.

Now then...also this year Mr. Right had more medical attention than he's prolly had his entire life! First it was a nasty bacterial infection in his colon...that was scary...then after that had settled a few months he had emergency appendectomy surgery! Like I's been a whirl wind of a year. He's all better now though...medically anyway...and thank the gods for that...I've had enough of the emotional roller coaster that goes with medical emergencies.

He was not out of town nearly as much this year as he was last. Which was both wonderful and difficult. Wonderful because we had him here, difficult because money was tight this year...I think this was the first time we personally felt the recession. It was also in 2010 that BigDaddy decided he just had to have a Harley. He decided that the biker lifestyle was where and who he wanted to be. Though as of this posting he has yet to get a bike. Both mini-me and I are excited for him to get a bike though.

Mini-me had a pretty exciting year as well. I informed her at the end of last year that we would no longer be doing Girl Scouts. She wasn't thrilled, but she handled it well. Of course in my opinion the highlight of her year would have been in Feb. when the adoption became final. She would probably say getting a puppy for Christmas was the best part. The worst would most certainly be when her other dog Luna was hit by a car and killed. Though it was an accident it was terribly difficult for her to deal with...she did love that dog. However I attempted to make it a learning experience and explained again about life and death. A conversation I'm sure we will have many times in her life. She was allowed to say goodbye and then with her Uncle Cooter and her BigDaddy she buried Luna. Since then she has been wearing Luna's collar around her neck like a necklace. She struggled a bit early in the year with grades, but after some stern lectures and the threat of being taken out of school and home schooled she has come back with a vengeance. It's not been an easy year for her...there have been a lot of things come up this year that she has had to learn to adjust to. Her best friend left school and is now home schooled. She has had to learn to deal with negativity from peers. She had to take up for herself for the first time this year. I can't begin to tell you how proud that made me. I was summoned to the vice Principal's office because a girl had attempted to steal her property she was going to move this girls band instrument to another place in the band room so this girl could not find it when she needed it and therefore would feel as if someone had stolen her property. To say my girl impressed me would be an understatement. I was proud that she didn't get physical...I was proud she had put some thought into her revenge plot...I was proud the punishment fit the crime. I was also proud that when she got caught she didn't lie or pass blame on someone else...she simply took the punishment and went about her day. In my opinion she handled the situation beautifully, though perhaps the vice Principal would disagree with me.

Parties, Parties, Parties! We have done more entertaining this year than we have in our lives!
From New years parties with the kids to birthday parties for adults and kids to birthday parties with out the kids...we celebrated in 2010 like no other year. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed having everyone here for all the wonderful milestones a family sees in a year. It has been amazing to plan and put together a truly wonderful birthday party where everyone has a good time and there is no bullshit or fighting or drama! There is just a wonderful group of people that love to have a great time together. Therefore that is exactly what we do! I know for me anyway 2010's birthday party was the best I've ever had in my life. I can't wait to raise the bar for this years!

The garage was coined the "club house" in 2010 and the house was named in 2010...Turner's Cozy Cottage by the Creek. The club house is where most family meetings and family decisions are made and it's where all the celebratory gatherings happen. Indeed the "Club House" has become a sanctuary of's a quiet place to sit for awhile and have a smoke, it can also be the most happening place to be in town. It's been such a blessing for us Turners to have been surrounded the entire year by people we love adore and just plain like so much. For a couple of loners like Mr. Right and I the plethora of family and loved one's this year has been both a welcome and unexpected joy. I do not have words to describe how these people who strangers may take no second glance at have become so important to us. We have called on them more than once for more than a few favors or help date we have never been let down or passed over or made to feel not important enough. I only hope Mr. Right and I have made them feel even just a little bit as special, important, wonderful, and like family as they have us. Again we are F4L...we are a family.

So now we come to me....I think. We all know I've had difficult years in my life...we all know I've lived and seen and felt some shit most people know nothing about. This year was no exception....I personally believe the universe chose to send us our family when it did for the simple reason....that we were going to need them. There was a day in Sept when I got up and proceeded about my day. I began to notice first thing in the morning that I felt body felt like I had over exerted it some how. As if I had spent about an hr to long on the treadmill. Nothing extraordinarily odd about that...except I hadn't been on a treadmill. I hadn't exercised in a couple of weeks due to just plain busyness and the fact that I had taken on a couple of young boys to watch at home during the day. Which left me no time for my early morning jaunts to the rec center for an hrs worth of work out.
So it did seem strange. This went on getting worse and more frequent for about 6wks. I went to the chiropractor thinking it was just a needed adjustment...I could not have been more wrong. After finally giving in and going to see the dr. I just knew he was gonna tell me I was nuts and it was all in my head...this in fact was my biggest fear. It took about 4 days, then the call came. I was officially diagnosed with a syndrome called Fibromyalgia. I knew so little about it of course I began to research it using the internet immediately. Perhaps not the smartest thing to do. My research succeeded in terrifying me.

"Fibromyalgia is described as inflammation of the fibrous or connective tissue of the body. Widespread muscle pain, fatigue, and multiple tender points characterize these conditions. Fibrositis, fibromyalgia, and fibromyositis are names given to a set of symptoms believed to be caused by the same general problem."

This is the definition of this syndrome as stated by medical dictionary. The symptoms of this syndrome sound like something out of a sci-fi movie.

"People with fibromyalgia are most likely to complain of three primary symptoms: muscle and joint pain, stiffness, and fatigue." "Other common symptoms are tension headaches, difficulty swallowing, recurrent abdominal pain, diarrhea, and numbness or tingling of the extremities.

That doesn't include the side effects of the antidepressant drugs I have been prescribed in an attempt to help.
There is no cure or even a well working treatment for this I have had to learn to deal with a daily dose of pain, soreness, headaches, nausea, dizziness, muscle spasms, muscle numbness, muscle tingling and fatigue. It has literally been a daily struggle to get out of bed and be productive in any manner. Some days I fail this task all together...other days I run and don't allow my conscious mind to stop long enough to realize whats going on....of course this is usually followed by a day of extreme pain due to overexcertion from the day before. It's not safe to say that if I would simply take it easy the pain would maintain at a minimum level. Though a day off...really off...where I don't work, do no cleaning or organizing just sit or lie and move very little is enjoyable for my body, it has proven to be no guarantee for a good day the next day. Doing to much makes it hurt...doing to little makes it hurt...sometimes doing nothing makes it hurt.

In my online research...I have found the comment "I feel so alone, because no one knows how it feels, no one knows how bad it is, how difficult it can be just to stand up let alone walk or work" so many's a very true statement. No one knows. I think for me personally this has been the worst part thus far...I have taken up the phrases Good/bad day...but when it's a really bad day there is no way to tell anyone how bad...and eventually after a couple of weeks of straight bad days with no good days people get tired of hearing me whine about it...hell I get tired of whining about it. My family friends and loved one's will never know how much pain there really is they can never truly understand how scary it is to wake up and not be able to move your muscles because you mind has frozen your body with fear of the impending pain associated with such a simple task. No one will ever know how difficult it can be to simply brush hair, or teeth, or run a vacuum, or wash dishes, or fold laundry. No one will understand that waking up to dizziness and vomiting is has become the norm. It will never make sense to them how I can be in a crowd of people who are having a great time while I'm in my own world of torture where my mind is unable to focus on the conversation, the cigarette in my hand, the camera at the ready, the joke just told, or the open invitation to take a couple of playful jabs at a loved my brain is unable to focus on any of this...instead it is stuck on the pain in my body...the elbow ache...the numbness in my thigh...the intense pain in my neck...the soreness of my back....the all consuming throbbing in my ankle...the uncontrollable blurriness of my vision. I have discovered this is called "Fibro Fog".

The idea that I will be in real excruciating pain for the rest of my life is daunting to say the least. If I was gonna be completely honest I would say it was a terrifying prospect that scares the shit out of me. The kicker is I have always said I don't do pain. I am a wuss I can't handle pain. Ironic isn't it that one of my few non animal or life threatening fears is now a syndrome I have been diagnosed with. I have felt completely alone since I got the call...I have tried harder than anyone can ever know to keep my family's life as it has always been. I have missed 2 days of work in the last 4months since symptoms started. I have not used the pain or other symptoms as an excuse for anything...that's just not my style. I also have not broken down and told any one how bad it is. Unfortunately for me I have not picked up my scrap booking in months...I miss it so bad...however to keep my sanity and our lives as they were before takes so much more effort than it ever has I find I have nothing left over for my much missed stress relieving creative outlet.

I cry when no one's looking.
When possible I choose to have my anxiety attacks when I'm alone.
I smile when my muscles scream out in pain to keep from yelling out and crying.
I have attempted to not ask for help at all or at least very little.
I have become not only the strongest woman I know, but the greatest actress I know as well.
This has been my life in a revolving daily circle for the past 4 1/2 months or so.
It has truly been a new room of hell I had not previously visited.

I believe that pretty much clears up the entire year. It was not the most prosperous year for us, however so much good came out of this year I wouldn't change anything about it for the world. Another years worth of stories, another years worth of pictures, another years worth of memories. No I wouldn't change any of it....I would be to scared to loose something totally wonderful we had gained...and all the wonderful people and things we have gained this year are irreplaceable and priceless. As per my life long motto: I wish to change nothing, with that wish comes the want to change things, if these things changed i would not be who I am or have the life I have. The life I have is too wonderful to carry with it any wish for change.

My life is what I have made of it. No amount of pain or suffering will ever take away the appreciation I have for my life. Though some may see it as small and unimportant, it is mine good bad's still mine and I have struggled and sacrificed for every second of it, therefore it is with a genuine smile on my face I say to the universe now...Thank you for all the many overwhelming blessings you saw fit to bestow on us in 2010, and I'm eager and excited to see what new wonderful blessings 2011 has in store!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Journey through hell.

It was to dark to really see anything...I could hear everything.
I heard the door at the other end of the brand new fancy double wide mobile home. I could tell when the socked feet left the carpeted living area and stepped onto the cheap linoleum floor of the kitchen...the sound of the refrigerator door opening...this was no doubt the excuse for leaving the confines of the bedroom at the end of the long mobile home. Then the refrigerator door closes. The steps come closer to the door at the end of the room where I lie and she lies in the bed across the room. I can see the light break with a large block of black space...the door opens...then the figure appears.

It moves to the bed across the room...I can hear her rhythmic breathing, she's sleeping. I move and make a sound this alerts the figure and it moves toward me. I pretend to be asleep and roll sits on the bed the weight pulls my body toward it. I feel the figure touch my neck. I feel the covers move slide down my body...the cool of the air outside of the blankets washes over me like cascading water, I shiver. As the figure begins to pull my legs and body into the position most accessible for his ultimate goal my mind begins to conscious mind leaves all control to my sub-conscious and I am transported to a place that exists only in my mind.

There is a beautiful rich green pasture. The grass is so thick and soft the ground is cool under my bare feet, but the sun shinning down on me is warm like a blanket so worn and familiar there are beautiful while and yellow wild flowers scattered about, butterflies float and play on the breeze and just over the little hill is a sapphire blue spring. Large river rocks sprinkle the bottom of the bubbling brook, the water is cold and crisp, it feels like silk as it runs over my hands and feet. The air is clean and delicious, it has a sweet light delicate taste. I lie in the soft cool grass and squint my eyes as I face the warmth of the sun while my feet dangle in the cool musical sounds of the clear spring. I am happy, safe, warm, relaxed....this is my place the place no one can hurt me, the place where I am alone all alone just me...I'm so complete, so content I breath deep and revel in the sheer joy and gentleness of this place.

The figure gets heavy and I can suddenly feel the hot, sticky breath of it I am instantly in my own body again...I came back to seems to take longer than before, the pain shoots through my legs, hips, stomach. Nothing hurts as much as the inside of my most delicate and private places. I squeeze my eyes shut hard...the pain is coming more intense and more often now...then in an instant my eyes see white as the pain shoots through my entire body. I become unable to breath, there is so much weight I not strong enough to pull air into my chest it wont fill with air. then as I struggle to inhale the figure lifts itself from me and air feels my lungs with such quick sharpness I almost cough, I quiet myself quickly...a cough would only induce the terrifying threats of death, or tortour. The figure whispers ugly praises in my ear and kisses my cheek then I feel the blankets pull over my body...I hear the feet move across the room...the door opens...the door closes...the figure is gone.

I'm left with the wet sticky feel between my legs and the pain that has centered around my pelvic area. I roll over and slowly bring my knees to my chest...I don't cry anymore...I haven't done that in years. As the pain radiates through my limbs and abdomen I rock slowly and remind myself of the feel of the sun and the sound of the brook...the color of the wildflowers and the taste of the air. I drift off to sleep...I can sleep now...the figure won't be back until tomorrow night. My journey through hell is complete for today.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Another year has come and gone...I'm a year older...currently I'm having a huge issue with someone very close to me...or they were anyway...So for this years birthday blog I will not bad mouth anyone...I will not "erase" anyone. Tomorrow may change all of that but for today I will find peace within myself...peace with my faults...peace with my wants...peace with my disappointments...peace with my aggravations...peace with my shortcomings...peace with my inabilities.

I have never claimed to be perfect...actually I often use myself as the example of how not to live. I try to never...note the word try...use my childhood as an excuse for anything...however anyone who knows even a piece of it knows I am so much more sane than I have any right to be...some of my personality faults are due to the childhood and upbringing I have makes me less able to deal with things most people would just let go.

As much as I hate to admit it...and that's a lot...I do miss people...some who have chosen to move out of my life...others I chose to remove...I don't miss all of them...but I do miss some...there are times when my ability to remove or "erase" someone from my universe bites me in the ass...they will never know who they are...nor will anyone else, but their are some. I am in a better place at this point in my life than any other time I can remember. Even with the current nasty situation playing itself home and family life couldn't be better...I have most anything I could have ever wanted in life. I feel safe secure loved and content...I know there will always be something to rock the boat, but I know my Mr. Right and I can weather anything thrown in our path. Which is saying a lot for him because I tend to make life a hell of a lot more difficult than it really has to be. I tend to blow things out of proportion. I tend to overreact. I tend to say mean things weather I mean them or not. I seem to be less understanding than most. I tend to forgive less than I should. I tend to dwell on things I should let go.

Yes these and many others are my faults...I see them admit to them and deny to change has taken me 33yrs to become the person I am today. I try to live my life without hurting anyone or anything...I fail at this all the time...but I'm still trying...I try to always take responsibility for my actions...that is often difficult but I figure if I want other people to do it I have to as well. I try to hear people I agree with what they have to say or not. I try to be understanding when I disagree with someone...I try to agree to disagree...again not an easy task but I try.

As another year goes by I can only seem to be thankful for what I have been blessed with. An amazing and loving husband. A healthy and beautiful daughter. A chosen family I adore. A beautiful home. Friends any woman would be proud to call friends. most of all at the end of ever day I look myself in the mirror and I confront myself with pure absolute honesty...what did I do today to be proud of? What did I do today I'm ashamed of? What could I have been better at? Did I tell the people I needed to that I love them? Was I a good mom today? Was I a good wife today? Was I a good friend today? Was I a good role model today?

I don't always answer these questions like I would prefer...but I am always honest with myself...and others...I figure I'm to old to lie...and I don't have the memory strength to keep up with lies anymore...after all I'm not 75 or 90...but I'm not 22 anymore either.

I am who I am to old to change my personality, but young enough to still know what a good time is. To old to change my way of thinking, but young enough to know other thoughts are just as important or relevant. To old to admit I have more to learn, but young enough to listen closely when a learning opportunity is available. To old to say I know it all...young enough to think on occasion I'm totally right no matter who thinks otherwise. To old not to share, but young enough to still have moments of selfishness. To old to say I didn't know better, but young enough to throw caution to the wind on occasion. To old to say I don't need anyone, but young enough to still think I can do it myself.

I am wise beyond my years...and yet there are times when I feel like a newborn who hasn't seen anything and knows even less. I was forced to be grown long before most...yet when I get the urge I can be the most immature and irresponsible person I know. I have seen and experienced things most people shouldn't and haven't...yet there are times when I am shocked by society.

I guess the most amazing thing about getting another year older is the fact that after all these years...after all my experiences and encounters...people still shock the hell out of me. The human race as a whole and on closer more immediate levels people surprise me all the time...the anger, ignorance, stupidity, denial, selfishness, recklessness,laziness,greed, fear and most of all the simple hurtful manner of them. After all the years I have observed so many humans in so many situations...I am still surprised by how quickly one person will sell another down the river to help themselves.

I've heard many elder people say many times...the most shocking thing they see every day is people hurting each other...I think I get that a million different ways it seems the human race has claimed war on all seems like some big game...the one who wins is the one who can hurt the most while not getting hurt in the process...and the winner...they get to stand alone...they get to have no one who really cares for them standing with them...they get to say they were the most terrible...the most hurtful...the most uncaring...the most devious...I think my new realization for this year is I don't want to be the winner...I want to be the loser...the one who hurt the fewest...the one who sits at a table surrounded by a ton of people I love and cherish...who love and cherish me...people who I want to be thrilled for in times of joy...people who I hurt for in times of pain...people who do these same things for me...share in my joy and pain...not because they have to, but because they want to be that invested in my life...and the life of my loved one's.

Yes another year has always I have learned many things this year...more people have come and gone...more relationships have begun and ended...I have discovered more faults with myself as I do every year...I have relearned what it means to love and accept as I do every year...I have learned I do every year...I have learned to love myself without demanding more from I do every year. I have learned to love my loved one's without demanding more from I do every year. I have learned to be satisfied with what I I do every year.

I learn them every year because I forget them every year...never for very life has a way of quickly reminding someone of the most important lessons. So as we start another year I am currently in the know of these things...however I know as history has shown I will forget them and one by one be reminded of them all over again.

I think I look forward to relearning life's most precious lessons...after all as long as I relearn them every year I'm still capable of growing and maturing further...and the excitement of not knowing what is coming next is enough reason to look forward to another year with excitement and a sense of wonder, eagerness, trepidation and hopefulness!

So here's to saying goodbye to last year and hello to this new's to hoping and actively making it just as amazing as the past years!

Happy Birthday Monica (Shiimer)! Have a great year!
Laugh often
Love much
Live well
Harm none
Let go
Be satisfied
Don't do it all
Do it all
Take for granted
Be nice

Monday, September 27, 2010

An emotional weekend

Wow what a was say the least!

After this weekend was over I felt all of these...loved, wanted, sexy, appreciated, joy, happiness, nauseous, drunk, excited, proud, lost, young, old, empty, protected, disappointed, disrespected, ditched, unwanted, used and hurt. Most of all blessed!

See I said it was an emotional weekend!

I felt so loved by all my crew...they threw me the most amazing birthday party I've ever had. They made me feel like I was important and wanted. Thanks to my big brother's ability to write his feelings in a card I felt so protected. Thanks to all my crew I felt joy and happiness. There were a couple of times I did feel a little nauseous...only after spinning on the wheel of course!

My amazing husband as always made me feel young and sexy. Of course by the time the late night came around I felt drunk. I was excited all weekend to have everyone around and see baby sister. After I gave her her diamond nose ring I felt she really appreciated it, therefore I felt appreciated in that moment. Baby sister told me sassafrass has a natural talent for music...I felt so proud to hear someone who knows say that!

I felt lost when I couldn't understand why it seemed the kids were not wanting to be with us at all. I mean why would you come to someones house under the guise of wanting to be with them wanting to celebrate both of your birthday's together for the first time, and then just treat their house like it's a flop house I was left feeling used and lied to. I felt so disrespected when the most honored guests took off without saying good bye or telling anyone they were leaving. I felt so unwanted when it was made clear to me our family and myself were not the reason for the visit. As for leaving the party without telling anyone or even saying goodbye or happy birthday or thanks for trying to include us I felt ditched. I felt old when I was told I didn't understand the young and selfish concept....yet it is apparently okay to hurt someone who took the time out to give advice that you asked that you asked for with the young peoples relationship problems. It is okay to hurt someone as long as you have the excuse of being young and selfish to use. It is okay to stand and look an 11yr old in the eye and lie to long as you have the excuse of being young and selfish.

The other thing I felt this weekend was ashamed...I'm ashamed of the irresponsible and immature attitude and what I hope is a temporary personality of someone I love so much. I felt so empty when the realization that I am no more important than any other family member...after being told so many times I was so needed and wanted and helpful and understanding and fun and loved and a favorite.

I had a perfectly fantastic had some low moments, but thanks to MY family and my amazing crew...My perfect Mr. Right and my sunshine princess...the lows were minimized and the highs were all I could have wished for!

I know the young have their own lives...I remember being wasn't that long ago. I don't ever remember however using my youth, immaturity, irresponsibility, or selfishness as an excuse to disrespect, use, or HURT the people I claimed to love...the people who had proven time and again that they were there for me...the people who didn't judge me for my choices...the people who I claim I wouldn't know what to do without. No I sit here and search my mind...even now I don't ever recall using my youth, selfishness, or immaturity as an excuse to HURT anyone...and I never used it as a reason to get away with lying to a child.

Either way I'm not young anymore...but I have made my life my own...I have filled it with people I love and people who love me! I have learned as the young have not...the only really important thing in life is family...not money...not drugs...not partying...not sex...not being cool...just FAMILY weather by birth, marriage or choice....FAMILY is the only thing that lasts and losing them leaves a wound that never heals completely...I am so loving my family!

Last but surely not least I felt blessed. After all no matter what happened with the young ones I got to see them...they allowed me a brief glance into their universe...I don't have to like what I saw...but I got to glance. I got the honor of their presence for a moment...and with the young one cannot expect much more.
My family and crew made me feel blessed to know and have each and every one of them...they made me feel blessed to know they would always be there and after so many family fails...I have a family for the future!

My mini me as always makes me feel blessed just by being herself! She was so understanding when she was lied to... though I know she was hurt and disappointed a great deal...she held her head high and simply took a "their loss" attitude! She is simply the most remarkable human being I have ever known.

My Mr. Right always makes me feel proud and blessed he is the love of my life he loves me like no one ever has he is the center of my universe...and one of my two favorite people on the planet.

Yes it was an emotional weekend, but it was unforgettable as well! All in all it was all I could have hoped for and more!