Friday, May 4, 2012

Shaking out my Thoughts

I consider myself a mature responsible adult, hey I said I considered, I didn't say it was open for debate. As I was saying, I consider myself a mature responsible adult, so it came as quite a shock when I woke up one day and looked around and was surprised to find my life had taken up a life of it's own. I found myself unhappy and suddenly unsatisfied with the way things were looking, feeling and generally just moving along. I have always been one of those women who claims to never want to settle and claims to rarely do so, however when the truth comes out I seem to settle a lot more than I either realize or than I'm just willing to admit. I have caught myself settling for material things that aren't exactly what I want because they are less expensive or they are what someone else wants and close enough to what I was hoping for. I find that while I don't feel I sacrifice any more than any other woman or mother I do feel I seem to have to do it more often than some. I am discovering more about myself everyday. Spiritually I am literally moving in leaps and bounds. My internal voices, instincts, alarms, radars, premonitions and all around energy is so much more clear to me than it has ever been. I feel like I know what every vision means without second guessing, I feel I understand every picture every "feeling" every "I just Know" I no longer don't say to people things I used to hold back on for fear of being wrong or of them not understanding, I simply pass the messages on as they come. I am no longer as concerned with people looking at me strange because they don't understand. I am no longer concerned with the contorted faces as they race back to me in confusion and angst because the message suddenly becomes clear to them weather in a positive or negative way, they always expect some explanation from me as if I have some secret personal phone line to the universe. (I find this part most amusing since these are the same people who tell me I'm nuts when I give them the message in the first place.) I feel when I meditate now I am going into a deeper state of knowing, a higher plane if you will. I don't feel I am any closer to "God" it's just that I seem to be so much more aware of the individuality of every part of my being. I no longer feel as if I am defined by my past or the past I have created for myself. I feel I define myself on a daily basis. I feel I am still who I have always been down deep, strong, independent, trustworthy, honest, hardworking, fair, intelligent, respectful, hard, caring, loving, bitchy, gently, a go getter. Just everything I am and always have been. I'm still a loud mouthed opinionated hard core believe what I believe bitch. The diference I think now is simply, I know in my heart not just because someone else said it but because my soul told me, I am all of these things by right. I have taken not strength not courage not heart not pain not credit nothing I have not earned. As Meatloaf said "I know you've been through the fires of hell and I know you've got the ashes to prove it." I have and I do. I carry those ashes and scars with pride. No one will every know what kind of hells and pain and wounds I have had to endure to become the woman I am today. For as many other woman who have said they admire my strength and ability to handle anything to make things happen to get it done. To hold my head up high no matter what to never let anything knock me down, their are as many woman who have walked away from me. Perhaps my personality, the very thing they say they like so much about me the very thing they say attracted them to want to know me in the first place, is the same thing they end up not being able to handle in the end. My personality drives them away. It's to strong to overbearing, I take up to much of the spotlight. I demand to be treated with to much respect, I demand that other people give as much as I do in a relationship of any kind. I demand fairness. I am a woman who owns up to her responsibilities, I expect others to do the same, no exceptions or excuses. I have found this is not the popular way to think or act. I never was one to follow what was popular....that would explain a lot I guess. Well I've emptied my head for now any way. Until future nonsensical ramblings I hope everyone is happy healthy and Well.