Welcome back to Wonderland Alice.......

As if I were Alice in Wonderland I was thrown into some strange kind of other world a world I recognized...a world I remember as much as I wanted to forget it. As convinced as I had been just seconds earlier that I had just invented it like a story in a book it was suddenly in front of me. The white rabbit had grown older but he was still carrying his watch yelling "I'm late" I was mouth agape. It seemed as though all time had stopped...as if there was no one else on the planet...I could feel my blood flow in my veins...I could feel my hair growing I could see into the future...I could taste the air...I could hear grass grow...yes Wonderland that's what this was...Wonderland...where I had not been in so many years...I had forgotten how to get there.... indeed it is a wondrously terrifying place.

It happened so fast I had no time to adjust or ease into the idea. I remember seeing the arm...I felt in my heart I knew who's is was....but when reality kicked in and I knew it was her....the breath left my body and all I could say was "Mom" She looked older but she hadn't changed much...later I would think was a blessing as it may imply I will age as gracefully. She told me she wanted to let me know about my grandmother...her mother had died on Tues.

My grandmother's dead. My mother is standing in front of me....I was oblivious to anything going on around me when I blinked however there he was....bigger than life and glaring just as I remembered him. There were here....the enemy had found their way into the utopia I had created for myself and mini-me. Wonderland hadn't changed much in fact...all the characters were the same. I felt suddenly as if I was being watched by everyone....as if the enemy was at the gates and it was time to prepare for an invasion....but a fear crept in...quickly and suddenly...I have gotten soft....I wasn't ready...I didn't have a back up plan...nothing is prepared for...I wasn't ready with my overly confident facade.....I wasn't ready with an escape plan...in the time it takes one to nervously and gently speak five sentences she had told me...of my grandmothers death, that she was with her when she passed, that my aunt was with then as well, that she had known where I lived, and she had spoken to my daughter. It would be hours before I felt myself breath again.

Suddenly I've drank the odd concoction again just as before I was 15yrs old again....I was surviving because nothing actually "lived" there...I was again hit with the same panicked thought I had anytime they were mentioned or thought of....I needed to get out...get my kid and get gone...I needed to get on my toes....I needed to be back on constant alert...after all this time I can still feel the terror, anger, hatred, disgust, disappointment, confusion, hurt and mistrust all over again....how dare I let myself be caught off guard....in a matter of mins they were gone...I was slower in my later years...but when my mind caught up my body went into action...I allowed panic to take over...a quiet unrecognizable to anyone but me panic....I would spend the next few hours looking behind me and finding paralyzing fear strike me when the doorbell rang or someone knocked or my phone rang....My mind was in a storm of chaos...I didn't know which emotion to feel...I didn't know which thought should take priority one...mourning...or shock....after all this time...I am still that little girl....after so many years of false self convinced safety and protection...it all came to an end in an instant...the mirrors were broken and shattered the smoke cleared and the lights were replaced with the warm harsh light of the sun...my make believe world was disemboweled suddenly swarmed by the red queen and her army of cards I was left feeling naked, young and raw.

I have been numb since....my mind is still in chaos and I'm still not breathing right...so today until I put myself back to right I'm afraid a switch has been flicked...the survivor has been awakened the warrior has been called back to action. I don't know what will happen or where it will lead but I do remember these switch's well enough to know they have been turned on. It's as though I'm at a never ending tea party with the Mad Hatter and guests....it's about getting out alive at the end of the party...no matter what condition you come out in....you just try to get out alive.

Even as I type...my mind is so different than what it was....as always I will overcome...I will strike first and I will draw first blood...this foe is not unknown and therefore I have some advantage...I will also rely on an old friend a wise and tricky one....underestimation....I will be underestimated...that will play in my favor...I also have time on my side...I've had lots of time to hone my skills and even perhaps learn a few new ones. So the warrior stirs and prepares for battle again after so many years of rest...be ready....your patience and experience will serve you well. Now back down the rabbit hole...back to...Wonderland.