Wow what a weekend...it was emotional...to say the least!
After this weekend was over I felt all of these...loved, wanted, sexy, appreciated, joy, happiness, nauseous, drunk, excited, proud, lost, young, old, empty, protected, disappointed, disrespected, ditched, unwanted, used and hurt. Most of all blessed!
See I said it was an emotional weekend!
I felt so loved by all my crew...they threw me the most amazing birthday party I've ever had. They made me feel like I was important and wanted. Thanks to my big brother's ability to write his feelings in a card I felt so protected. Thanks to all my crew I felt joy and happiness. There were a couple of times I did feel a little nauseous...only after spinning on the wheel of course!
My amazing husband as always made me feel young and sexy. Of course by the time the late night came around I felt drunk. I was excited all weekend to have everyone around and see baby sister. After I gave her her diamond nose ring I felt she really appreciated it, therefore I felt appreciated in that moment. Baby sister told me sassafrass has a natural talent for music...I felt so proud to hear someone who knows say that!
I felt lost when I couldn't understand why it seemed the kids were not wanting to be with us at all. I mean why would you come to someones house under the guise of wanting to be with them wanting to celebrate both of your birthday's together for the first time, and then just treat their house like it's a flop house I was left feeling used and lied to. I felt so disrespected when the most honored guests took off without saying good bye or telling anyone they were leaving. I felt so unwanted when it was made clear to me our family and myself were not the reason for the visit. As for leaving the party without telling anyone or even saying goodbye or happy birthday or thanks for trying to include us I felt ditched. I felt old when I was told I didn't understand the young and selfish concept....yet it is apparently okay to hurt someone who took the time out to give advice that you asked for...help that you asked for with the young peoples relationship problems. It is okay to hurt someone as long as you have the excuse of being young and selfish to use. It is okay to stand and look an 11yr old in the eye and lie to her...as long as you have the excuse of being young and selfish.
The other thing I felt this weekend was ashamed...I'm ashamed of the irresponsible and immature attitude and what I hope is a temporary personality of someone I love so much. I felt so empty when the realization that I am no more important than any other family member...after being told so many times I was so needed and wanted and helpful and understanding and fun and loved and a favorite.
I had a perfectly fantastic weekend...it had some low moments, but thanks to MY family and my amazing crew...My perfect Mr. Right and my sunshine princess...the lows were minimized and the highs were all I could have wished for!
I know the young have their own lives...I remember being young...it wasn't that long ago. I don't ever remember however using my youth, immaturity, irresponsibility, or selfishness as an excuse to disrespect, use, or HURT the people I claimed to love...the people who had proven time and again that they were there for me...the people who didn't judge me for my choices...the people who I claim I wouldn't know what to do without. No I sit here and search my mind...even now I don't ever recall using my youth, selfishness, or immaturity as an excuse to HURT anyone...and I never used it as a reason to get away with lying to a child.
Either way I'm not young anymore...but I have made my life my own...I have filled it with people I love and people who love me! I have learned as the young have not...the only really important thing in life is family...not money...not drugs...not partying...not sex...not being cool...just FAMILY weather by birth, marriage or choice....FAMILY is the only thing that lasts and losing them leaves a wound that never heals completely...I am so loving my family!
Last but surely not least I felt blessed. After all no matter what happened with the young ones I got to see them...they allowed me a brief glance into their universe...I don't have to like what I saw...but I got to glance. I got the honor of their presence for a moment...and with the young one cannot expect much more.
My family and crew made me feel blessed to know and have each and every one of them...they made me feel blessed to know they would always be there and after so many family fails...I have a family for the future!
My mini me as always makes me feel blessed just by being herself! She was so understanding when she was lied to... though I know she was hurt and disappointed a great deal...she held her head high and simply took a "their loss" attitude! She is simply the most remarkable human being I have ever known.
My Mr. Right always makes me feel proud and blessed he is the love of my life he loves me like no one ever has he is the center of my universe...and one of my two favorite people on the planet.
Yes it was an emotional weekend, but it was unforgettable as well! All in all it was all I could have hoped for and more!
Monday, September 27, 2010
An emotional weekend
Posted by MoMo sprnany at 10:41 AM
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5 comments:
Wanna hear my blog post? It's pretty good too.
Dear Journal,
Wow it's been awhile! School has been... Well school. And work is alright, mostly all I wanna do is just run around and spend money, but ha! What college kid doesn't??? Anyway, Journal, this past weekend was my twentieth birthday! Can you believe it? No more teens! Who woulda thought?! Anyway, my sister-in-law and brother hit me up and we decided that it would be awesome to go down to Wichita for the weekend and my sister, Monica, and I would celebrate //together//... Emphasis on the together. Super stoked right? SUPER STOKED! Unfortunately, things didn't go well on my birthday weekend.
1. Not once was I ever asked what I wanted to do on my birthday, all the plans were already made for me and I didn't feel like I could question any of them...
2. I felt like the gifts I recieved were //compensation// for not being able to do anything for my birthday because nothing was planned for me.
3. I drove three hours to have my weekend planned for me? I'm twenty, not nine. I'm not obligated to do shit nor am I obligated to listen... You are not my mother.
4. I can't help but feel that no matter what I do in my life, I will never be an adult. When I realized that my biggest fear was disappointing my brother and sister-in-law, scratch that, my biggest fear isn't disappointing my brother at all, it's just disappointing my sister-in-law that scares the shit outta me. Anyways, after I realized that... Well, I'm pretty sure that's a little messed up. My own parents understand that I'm an adult, why can't she?
5. I was told that there was gonna be a huge kegger Saturday night. Alright people, I think this is misunderstood by everyone who is no longer in college. Kegger = beer from a keg, //shit tons// of people, and music from 2005-2010. And to top that off, why would you ever tell a college student they //can't// drink at a //kegger// that is supposedly being held in //both// of the birthday girls' honors? I did get to drink, however, so that's besides the point now.
6. At this huge kegger, there were probably like 20 people tops, no one I knew, no kids my age, and a gag gift for all the females besides me. I totally felt wanted up until the party, but once people showed up it was a whole different story...
Oh, before I forget, no one sang me happy birthday, but she sure got one. Mute point anyway. Onward, ho!
Anyways, Journal, I still have more points, but I need to fit this part in before I go on. Okay, so while at the party we're all drinkin and they're having fun. Don't get me wrong, I was having an enjoyable evening but it was nothing compared to the fun they were all having. Thankfully, I had my boyfriend there with me and he totally noticed that I just wasn't having the time of my life so we left. We didn't say a word because we knew we'd totally get locked in and not be able to go anywhere so we just ditched out. Hey, birthday girl here... I'm gonna go get my fun! So, Brad takes me to the hookah house on Rock and we had a freaking phenom time. It was quiet and dark and just so relaxing. Then, outta no where, my best friend shows up!!! Oh man, was I excited! Brad suprised me with a strawberry cheesecake slice for my birthday cake and my best friend! It was perfect! Just chillin' outside with a delicious hookah... Mmmmm... Afterwards, we all went patrollin' around Wichita, boy did I love that! There really isn't anything better than patrollin' with the people you love most, in a town that none of us knew yet. Finally made it back to Mulvane and spent 2 hours trying to get back inside. I was so exhausted/excited/pissed/upset/fucked up to get outta the car. It was riduculous but soooo much fun... until I woke up.
Wanna hear my blog post? It's pretty good too.
Dear Journal,
Wow it's been awhile! School has been... Well school. And work is alright, mostly all I wanna do is just run around and spend money, but ha! What college kid doesn't??? Anyway, Journal, this past weekend was my twentieth birthday! Can you believe it? No more teens! Who woulda thought?! Anyway, my sister-in-law and brother hit me up and we decided that it would be awesome to go down to Wichita for the weekend and my sister, Monica, and I would celebrate //together//... Emphasis on the together. Super stoked right? SUPER STOKED! Unfortunately, things didn't go well on my birthday weekend.
1. Not once was I ever asked what I wanted to do on my birthday, all the plans were already made for me and I didn't feel like I could question any of them...
2. I felt like the gifts I recieved were //compensation// for not being able to do anything for my birthday because nothing was planned for me.
3. I drove three hours to have my weekend planned for me? I'm twenty, not nine. I'm not obligated to do shit nor am I obligated to listen... You are not my mother.
4. I can't help but feel that no matter what I do in my life, I will never be an adult. When I realized that my biggest fear was disappointing my brother and sister-in-law, scratch that, my biggest fear isn't disappointing my brother at all, it's just disappointing my sister-in-law that scares the shit outta me. Anyways, after I realized that... Well, I'm pretty sure that's a little messed up. My own parents understand that I'm an adult, why can't she?
5. I was told that there was gonna be a huge kegger Saturday night. Alright people, I think this is misunderstood by everyone who is no longer in college. Kegger = beer from a keg, //shit tons// of people, and music from 2005-2010. And to top that off, why would you ever tell a college student they //can't// drink at a //kegger// that is supposedly being held in //both// of the birthday girls' honors? I did get to drink, however, so that's besides the point now.
6. At this huge kegger, there were probably like 20 people tops, no one I knew, no kids my age, and a gag gift for all the females besides me. I totally felt wanted up until the party, but once people showed up it was a whole different story...
Oh, before I forget, no one sang me happy birthday, but she sure got one. Mute point anyway. Onward, ho!
Anyways, Journal, I still have more points, but I need to fit this part in before I go on. Okay, so while at the party we're all drinkin and they're having fun. Don't get me wrong, I was having an enjoyable evening but it was nothing compared to the fun they were all having. Thankfully, I had my boyfriend there with me and he totally noticed that I just wasn't having the time of my life so we left. We didn't say a word because we knew we'd totally get locked in and not be able to go anywhere so we just ditched out. Hey, birthday girl here... I'm gonna go get my fun! So, Brad takes me to the hookah house on Rock and we had a freaking phenom time. It was quiet and dark and just so relaxing. Then, outta no where, my best friend shows up!!! Oh man, was I excited! Brad suprised me with a strawberry cheesecake slice for my birthday cake and my best friend! It was perfect! Just chillin' outside with a delicious hookah... Mmmmm... Afterwards, we all went patrollin' around Wichita, boy did I love that! There really isn't anything better than patrollin' with the people you love most, in a town that none of us knew yet. Finally made it back to Mulvane and spent 2 hours trying to get back inside. I was so exhausted/excited/pissed/upset/fucked up to get outta the car. It was riduculous but soooo much fun... until I woke up.
Wanna hear my blog post? It's pretty good too.
Dear Journal,
Wow it's been awhile! School has been... Well school. And work is alright, mostly all I wanna do is just run around and spend money, but ha! What college kid doesn't??? Anyway, Journal, this past weekend was my twentieth birthday! Can you believe it? No more teens! Who woulda thought?! Anyway, my sister-in-law and brother hit me up and we decided that it would be awesome to go down to Wichita for the weekend and my sister, Monica, and I would celebrate //together//... Emphasis on the together. Super stoked right? SUPER STOKED! Unfortunately, things didn't go well on my birthday weekend.
1. Not once was I ever asked what I wanted to do on my birthday, all the plans were already made for me and I didn't feel like I could question any of them...
2. I felt like the gifts I recieved were //compensation// for not being able to do anything for my birthday because nothing was planned for me.
3. I drove three hours to have my weekend planned for me? I'm twenty, not nine. I'm not obligated to do shit nor am I obligated to listen... You are not my mother.
4. I can't help but feel that no matter what I do in my life, I will never be an adult. When I realized that my biggest fear was disappointing my brother and sister-in-law, scratch that, my biggest fear isn't disappointing my brother at all, it's just disappointing my sister-in-law that scares the shit outta me. Anyways, after I realized that... Well, I'm pretty sure that's a little messed up. My own parents understand that I'm an adult, why can't she?
5. I was told that there was gonna be a huge kegger Saturday night. Alright people, I think this is misunderstood by everyone who is no longer in college. Kegger = beer from a keg, //shit tons// of people, and music from 2005-2010. And to top that off, why would you ever tell a college student they //can't// drink at a //kegger// that is supposedly being held in //both// of the birthday girls' honors? I did get to drink, however, so that's besides the point now.
6. At this huge kegger, there were probably like 20 people tops, no one I knew, no kids my age, and a gag gift for all the females besides me. I totally felt wanted up until the party, but once people showed up it was a whole different story...
Oh, before I forget, no one sang me happy birthday, but she sure got one. Mute point anyway. Onward, ho!
Anyways, Journal, I still have more points, but I need to fit this part in before I go on. Okay, so while at the party we're all drinkin and they're having fun. Don't get me wrong, I was having an enjoyable evening but it was nothing compared to the fun they were all having. Thankfully, I had my boyfriend there with me and he totally noticed that I just wasn't having the time of my life so we left. We didn't say a word because we knew we'd totally get locked in and not be able to go anywhere so we just ditched out. Hey, birthday girl here... I'm gonna go get my fun! So, Brad takes me to the hookah house on Rock and we had a freaking phenom time. It was quiet and dark and just so relaxing. Then, outta no where, my best friend shows up!!! Oh man, was I excited! Brad suprised me with a strawberry cheesecake slice for my birthday cake and my best friend! It was perfect! Just chillin' outside with a delicious hookah... Mmmmm... Afterwards, we all went patrollin' around Wichita, boy did I love that! There really isn't anything better than patrollin' with the people you love most, in a town that none of us knew yet. Finally made it back to Mulvane and spent 2 hours trying to get back inside. I was so exhausted/excited/pissed/upset/fucked up to get outta the car. It was riduculous but soooo much fun... until I woke up.
7. I was //told// that I was going to be attending a 13 year olds birthday... ON MY BIRTHDAY. Wtf??? Yeah, Journal, I just don't know either.
8. My boyfriend was shit on by people who we didn't even know, that was something that really pissed me off as well... I mean, when you're talking about serious ass shit, I just automatically assume that it's being said in confidence and that's something that stays between us and the people who heard it. Good intentions or not, that's a situation to be handled by ONLY my brothers or my father. And NO BODY else. Period. I don't speak about my friends relationships to anyone but them, but hey, people think and do differently.
9. After feeling completely abused, I just had to leave... Unfortunately, that meant that I didn't get to spend as much time with my niece as I wanted too. However, I did sit her down and explain to her in great detail that I had to leave. Even though I explained it to her and she gave me the impression that she understood what I was talking about, I still get called a liar. I would never lie to my niece, and I haven't yet.
Then it comes to good byes right? Thankfully my niece and my brother said good bye without getting shitty, but then my sister-in-law... Well... That was probably the rudest good bye I've ever recieved. On top of it all, I get called a shit load of nasty things that were made public not only on Facebook but also on Blogspot. Uhhh, ouch? Baha, but that's not the best, I get a text message saying if you want your //shit// I need your address and another comment saying that it's always someone other than me and another asking how many family members I'll run through before I'm done and a don't worry, I'll explain to Shy.
Yeah... It's always someone other than me... Who gotta be the pretty fucking princess on her special fucking day? Not me. And I certainly wasn't being the immature bitch I was and continue to be made out to be. But, alas, it's NEVER me, it's always someone else. Hey, I know when I've fucked up, and I apologize for it. But I will never apologize for this past weekend, because it was, in fact, someone other than me...
Funny thing is... well... once apon a time I was told, "I'm an immature adult, I'll admit it. I'm fuckin' immature." Hey honey!!! You're doin' it again!!!
Well, Journal, I needed that. Thank you!!!
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