Another year has come and gone...I'm a year older...currently I'm having a huge issue with someone very close to me...or they were anyway...So for this years birthday blog I will not bad mouth anyone...I will not "erase" anyone. Tomorrow may change all of that but for today I will find peace within myself...peace with my faults...peace with my wants...peace with my disappointments...peace with my aggravations...peace with my shortcomings...peace with my inabilities.

I have never claimed to be perfect...actually I often use myself as the example of how not to live. I try to never...note the word try...use my childhood as an excuse for anything...however anyone who knows even a piece of it knows I am so much more sane than I have any right to be...some of my personality faults are due to the childhood and upbringing I have survived...it makes me less able to deal with things most people would just let go.

As much as I hate to admit it...and that's a lot...I do miss people...some who have chosen to move out of my life...others I chose to remove...I don't miss all of them...but I do miss some...there are times when my ability to remove or "erase" someone from my universe bites me in the ass...they will never know who they are...nor will anyone else, but their are some. I am in a better place at this point in my life than any other time I can remember. Even with the current nasty situation playing itself out...my home and family life couldn't be better...I have most anything I could have ever wanted in life. I feel safe secure loved and content...I know there will always be something to rock the boat, but I know my Mr. Right and I can weather anything thrown in our path. Which is saying a lot for him because I tend to make life a hell of a lot more difficult than it really has to be. I tend to blow things out of proportion. I tend to overreact. I tend to say mean things weather I mean them or not. I seem to be less understanding than most. I tend to forgive less than I should. I tend to dwell on things I should let go.

Yes these and many others are my faults...I see them admit to them and deny to change them...it has taken me 33yrs to become the person I am today. I try to live my life without hurting anyone or anything...I fail at this all the time...but I'm still trying...I try to always take responsibility for my actions...that is often difficult but I figure if I want other people to do it I have to as well. I try to hear people out..weather I agree with what they have to say or not. I try to be understanding when I disagree with someone...I try to agree to disagree...again not an easy task but I try.

As another year goes by I can only seem to be thankful for what I have been blessed with. An amazing and loving husband. A healthy and beautiful daughter. A chosen family I adore. A beautiful home. Friends any woman would be proud to call friends. most of all at the end of ever day I look myself in the mirror and I confront myself with pure absolute honesty...what did I do today to be proud of? What did I do today I'm ashamed of? What could I have been better at? Did I tell the people I needed to that I love them? Was I a good mom today? Was I a good wife today? Was I a good friend today? Was I a good role model today?

I don't always answer these questions like I would prefer...but I am always honest with myself...and others...I figure I'm to old to lie...and I don't have the memory strength to keep up with lies anymore...after all I'm not 75 or 90...but I'm not 22 anymore either.

I am who I am to old to change my personality, but young enough to still know what a good time is. To old to change my way of thinking, but young enough to know other thoughts are just as important or relevant. To old to admit I have more to learn, but young enough to listen closely when a learning opportunity is available. To old to say I know it all...young enough to think on occasion I'm totally right no matter who thinks otherwise. To old not to share, but young enough to still have moments of selfishness. To old to say I didn't know better, but young enough to throw caution to the wind on occasion. To old to say I don't need anyone, but young enough to still think I can do it myself.

I am wise beyond my years...and yet there are times when I feel like a newborn who hasn't seen anything and knows even less. I was forced to be grown long before most...yet when I get the urge I can be the most immature and irresponsible person I know. I have seen and experienced things most people shouldn't and haven't...yet there are times when I am shocked by society.

I guess the most amazing thing about getting another year older is the fact that after all these years...after all my experiences and encounters...people still shock the hell out of me. The human race as a whole and on closer more immediate levels people surprise me all the time...the anger, ignorance, stupidity, denial, selfishness, recklessness,laziness,greed, fear and most of all the simple hurtful manner of them. After all the years I have observed so many humans in so many situations...I am still surprised by how quickly one person will sell another down the river to help themselves.

I've heard many elder people say many times...the most shocking thing they see every day is people hurting each other...I think I get that now...in a million different ways it seems the human race has claimed war on itself...it all seems like some big game...the one who wins is the one who can hurt the most while not getting hurt in the process...and the winner...they get to stand alone...they get to have no one who really cares for them standing with them...they get to say they were the most terrible...the most hurtful...the most uncaring...the most devious...I think my new realization for this year is I don't want to be the winner...I want to be the loser...the one who hurt the fewest...the one who sits at a table surrounded by a ton of people I love and cherish...who love and cherish me...people who I want to be thrilled for in times of joy...people who I hurt for in times of pain...people who do these same things for me...share in my joy and pain...not because they have to, but because they want to be that invested in my life...and the life of my loved one's.

Yes another year has passed...as always I have learned many things this year...more people have come and gone...more relationships have begun and ended...I have discovered more faults with myself as I do every year...I have relearned what it means to love and accept as I do every year...I have learned contentment...as I do every year...I have learned to love myself without demanding more from me...as I do every year. I have learned to love my loved one's without demanding more from them...as I do every year. I have learned to be satisfied with what I have...as I do every year.

I learn them every year because I forget them every year...never for very long...as life has a way of quickly reminding someone of the most important lessons. So as we start another year I am currently in the know of these things...however I know as history has shown I will forget them and one by one be reminded of them all over again.

I think I look forward to relearning life's most precious lessons...after all as long as I relearn them every year I'm still capable of growing and maturing further...and the excitement of not knowing what is coming next is enough reason to look forward to another year with excitement and a sense of wonder, eagerness, trepidation and hopefulness!

So here's to saying goodbye to last year and hello to this new year...here's to hoping and actively making it just as amazing as the past years!

Happy Birthday Monica (Shiimer)! Have a great year!
Laugh often
Love much
Live well
Dance
Sing
Harm none
Forgive
Allow
Let go
Keep
Feel
Be satisfied
Want
Need
Admit
Don't do it all
Do it all
Be
Think
Know
Appreciate
Take for granted
Be nice
Encourage
Live!