On my birthday.

It's my birthday, and like always on my birthday, my mother comes to mind. I don't know if it's normal, but I know it's what always happens to me on this day. I wonder if she thinks of it. I wonder if she wakes up in the morning and goes about her morning routine, then looks at her calender or computer or phone, and realizes what day it is. I wonder if she reminisces about what happened 32 years ago today. I wonder if she remembers how scared she was, how young she was, how ignorant she was. I wonder if she remembers the time, weight, length, color, and general look of me. I wonder if she remembers the fight over my name. I wonder if she thinks back and remembers my grandmother being the first to hold me, much to her disgust as I heard it, I wonder if she remembers that I was the first. The first of four. I wonder if she gets sad and thinks about who I am and where I am, if she regrets any of her choices that led her to miss my birthdays. I wonder if she could go back in time and change things if she would.

Would she still have me? Would she still choose him? Would she still have given me up? Would she still have cast me away? Would she still have kept me no closer than arms length? I wonder if she ever felt as I do as a mother. I wonder what she must have thought when she held me for the first time. I wonder if she cried when I was born. I wonder.....who she was then....and if I will ever know who she has been at any time in her life. My mother is 18 years older than me. There was a time in my life when 18 years seemed like a lifetime. Now, though it doesn't seem that far away from me. My mother said she was proud of me two times in my life, the most important of these was when I turned 18, she said she was proud because when she turned 18 she had me. She said she was proud because I had not made the same mistakes.

I have indeed lived most of my life, as I believe most women do, trying to become something so far from anything my mother ever was. I wonder if I did it. I have craved a deep female bond with women my entire life, one that has eluded me, I blame this insatiable need on her. Perhaps if she had bonded with me I wouldn't crave it so much. I have tried for this most glamorous (in my mind anyway) relationship so many times and have failed miserably, I have resigned myself to wait until my daughter is old enough to have that bond with her. On this day so much more than others I think of my mother....my weak, ignorant, stupid, petty, beaten down, spiritless, meek, unhappy, confused, taken for granted mother. I am none of these things....I hope.....I have become a strong, intelligent, independent, happy, aware, loved and cherished woman.

I believe I have become who my mother should have been. I fear only weak women can grow, these kinds of women, I fear my daughter will be weak. I fear all the strength of all the women from so many generations back has all accumulated into me as one person, I hope I give my daughter this strength, of mind, spirit, body, and constitution. I wonder if my mother misses me. I wonder if she still worries about me, if she still stops on cool fall afternoons and whispers my name in the air. I wonder if she tears up at the thought that she will never truly know the woman I have become, or if she believes no matter what I will be alright, and comforts herself with this belief. I tear up knowing I will never know the woman she was, is or will be. I wonder if she knows she had more to do with the woman I am today than she realizes. I wonder if she knows and takes comfort in the fact that I am the woman I am. I wonder if she always knew I would be leaving, if she always knew in that strange magical way mothers do, that I was a shooting star in her life, that I would only be hers and with her for a short while. Yes, on this day more than any other, I think about my mother, my beautiful, innocent, hurt, disregarded, gentle, elegant mother.

I wonder.....I wonder if she wonders about me.

How we've been!

Whew....to say it's been a bit busy lately would be an understatement. We have litterally been running every which way for months now! Let me see if I can put it all together and catch everyone up
Ok, so the move began on August 9th....I know this exact date because it was our wedding anniversary, and we got the keys to our new house that same sunday! I was uber excited that the two dates were the same it just helps make the celebration of both simpler and convienent. I am truly thankful we made it through the move. There was a few times when dh and I were at each other's throats I got kinda worried we weren't gonna make it out alive! However I am happy to report we are back to good....better than good were, believe it or not, even happier than we were before the move! Nothing like a small family disastrous event that ends in a happy ending to put everything back into perspective!

So once the move was behind us and the worst thing looming was the unpacking....which by the way I have still not technically finished....Life began to take a new and exciting twist! It seemed before we moved that we didn't have much of a social life. Well we did we just didn't commit to it! When we moved into the new house I told the dh I wanted to turn over a couple of new leaves....I really don't understand what that means, but I said it anyway. I told him I wanted to keep the house cleaner, I told him I wanted to become more spiritual, I wanted to have more game nights with dd, I wanted to be more socially active, I wanted to keep in better contact with our friends, I wanted to go out more, basically I wanted to improve our quality of life and try to enjoy it more, put into action the "work hard play hard" moto.

Even now sitting here, I'm unsure of what action we might have taken to put any of this into effect, perhaps just saying it's what we wanted was enough just that little bit put into the universe was all we needed to make the "new leaves" turn over. Perhaps it is this house which I have always claimed has such a comfortable inviting, warm homey feel to it, either way things began to happen. We had more visitors the first week we were moving in than we did the entire time we lived at the other house. We have some guests we expected some we were just to eager to wait to show and some that were a surprise even to us. It's not just that they visited it was the time spent and the feeling while they were here. We have also meet some really wonderful new friends as of late....some we made just before we moved some we have made since we moved. Some we met before, but have become closer with since! We have reinforced strong relationships to make them stronger as well.

I have put forth massive effort and our house, although not always "spotless" per say is consistently visitor ready. I am never more than a quick 5 min pickup away from having things in a non embarassing order. That has been wonderful for everyone's mood and continuing enthusiasm and excitement about the house! I have also noticed an obvious effort on the part of my family to assist me in the day to day maintenance of the house...I can't begin to tell you how wonderful that has been for me.

We have made wonderful strides in our spirituality learning and working more and better towards making it a part of everyday life. We have purchased new games and spend most sunday's watching movies with dd and playing games. dh and dd have started a new tradition of going to breakfast just the two of them on Sat morning. DD's grades seem to be pretty well so far...she is a kid and has already tried to pull a few things, but she is a kid and this is to be expected. We have had something going on almost every Sat, but we seem to always make it back to normal by Sat night...though sometimes late at night....and Sun's have become an almost family day!

We talk and see our friends more and we I feel are truly forging those strong bonds we will carry for the rest of our lives.

To say the last few months have been positive, uplifting, prospurous, sucessful, and joyful for our whole family is a gross understatement. It has truly been a shower of blessings and Wonderous happiness!

We are still in our busy season what with v-ball, Girl Scouts,dh's out of town work, school, and everyday adventures. However it has been a blessing all of it! I can't wait to see what's in store for us next!

Be well everyone!