Just cause

It has been so long since I blogged...I've had blog ideas strike out at me for weeks now I just never seem to get a chance to sit down and let it all out of my fingertips. So this entire rant may make no sense at all...it may just end up being me vomiting at the fingertips.

One of the idea's I had for a blog in the last couple of weeks happened like this...I was sitting in the clubhouse with the family one evening and for some reason a comment was made and I silently thought to myself...I don't know who I am...I can't think of one characteristic about me that doesn't make me something to someone else...like I'm a mother ...to my child. I'm a wife...to my husband. What am I to me? I can't use any of those seemingly always used by narcissist's adj's...you know caring, kind, generous, fun....I mean really...If I didn't have to to be a productive member of society I wouldn't be any of those things....I would be that old hag who lives in the spooky looking house at the end of the street...where none of the neighborhood children would dare rescue a ball from...and stories were told about beloved family pets that had gone missing near the overgrown fence. I mean really...I would hold to no rules of society if I was perfectly happy living alone with a cat or two. Deep down inside...I'm just selfish enough to even enjoy it.


On an opposite end of the spectrum the other thought for a blog I had was just a sheer and complete moment of bliss.
It couldn't have been more simple or more blessed...I believe it was a Fri evening and somehow I don't remember how it ended up being just my sisters and I sitting at the table...I don't remember exactly now what the conversation was but I remember it was about sex....There was a moment when I looked around and we were all laughing...I wanted to close my eyes and memorize the sound...after all this time....after all the wasted attempts at friendship and attempts to make strong "Sex in the City" like female relationships....I had them...I had my army of ovaries...or as I like to call them...My Porn*Stars! Unlike some women I have always been extremely dependant and needful of my relationships with other women...I no doubt have mommy issues! So there I was totally in a moment of pure delight and contentment and another thought ran through my mind...how will they ever know how much it means to me...how will they ever know...how much joy and happiness they give me.

I think I'll leave the rest for now...but fear not I'll be back soon...with no telling what to say!