Still coming to terms with who I am!

I have been wanting to sit down and type up this blog for awhile now...however I have been avoiding it, for reason's that will become clear later. I had the rare, but always welcome and wonderful treat of having a long conversation with my bestie recently. Actually it was almost a month ago, but you get the idea. Between family, work, kids, and life in general it's not very often that we get to sit and have a long heart to heart. So this particular evening was a treat for both of us.

We, both being mothers, always talk about the children. We also end up talking about my Mr. Right, and her love interest. On this particular night however there was one subject in particular, I want to relate to you. I was complaining about something, no doubt I have absolutely no reason to complain about anything, being a woman however I can always find something! So I'm complaining about something or someone, and my bestie looks at me and says "Monica not everyone has the ability to just cut someone out of their life". Now I sat for a min and thought about this... Surely this statement, can't be true. Don't get me wrong I have heard many things about myself that I don't like to hear, but I have to admit to them...mostly 'cause they happen to be true. For instance I have often heard I'm loud...this is unfortunately true, I've heard I can be harsh with my opinion...also true, I've also heard I can be highly unforgiving...alas another truth. So I am not one of those people who has these bad habits, and refuses to see herself for what she really is. I see myself, and though it may not seem like it, I am striving to be a better person. This bit of information, I was apparently not ready to hear.

Now I just want to explain, there aren't many people in the world I will hear unfavorable truths from, my husband, my daughter, and my bestie are pretty much it. So I think it made it a bit harder to hear because it was she that said it.

So, we finished our conversation and I went home, with this nagging thought in the back of my head the entire time. Fast forward a week or more later, my Mr. Right, as I like to refer to him, and I were having a conversation. It was a deep and in depth conversation, some how it came back around to what my bestie had said. I told him I had never thought of it the way she put it and I was sure it wasn't to the degree she had implied it was. Then my amazingly wonderful Mr. Right said "Name one person who has ever broken your heart, that is still around. You have a way of erasing people from your life." I literally sat with my mouth agape. I mean two different people in just a couple of weeks both make the same observation about a personality defect I have, one that I guess I just never saw as a negative.

I guess I just thought that's what you were supposed to do, someone hurts you, you just make them go away...you just make them disappear. You move forward with your life, you don't forget, you just move forward allowing time to take care of the pain and my memories to give me the needed comfort of the missing friend, mother, dad, sister, brother, boyfriend, grandparent or other missing element. I never thought of it in the harsh light it is taken as. I have experienced this on the other end, as well. I have been erased. I have been removed from some one's life to the point of barely being recognized when we happen to run into each other. I know what it feels like. It doesn't feel any better from either side. I guess the idea that you just fight it out with someone and make it through the difficulty never dawned on me.

It's not as if I have a constant revolving door of people that come and get "erased" out of my life. I think I will let someone hurt me, until I just won't anymore. I have always had the theory that a woman will take something for so long then she just won't take it anymore. I feel I live that theory. People who have disappeared or been "erased" by me have had numerous opportunities to redeem themselves. Weather they didn't succeed or just didn't want to or did redeem themselves, just to make the same mistakes over, I feel I can only let someone break my heart so many times. The definition of insanity is: Repeating the same action over and over again expecting different results. Therefore it stands to reason that a person who hurts you repeatedly probably will continue to do so for as long as you will allow them to. If one accepts the previously mentioned reasoning as common sense then the only option to stop the "insanity" is to cut all ties with the person doing the hurting if for no other reason than self preservation.

Please don't misunderstand I am not trying to justify my choices, or actions, nor am I trying to apologize for my actions or behavior, I believe I am just trying to help others to explain why I do the things I do. I hate the idea that someone would hesitate to be my friend or get close to me for fear of becoming the next "victim" of my need to eliminate people. I want to make it clear it's not a need it's just a way I protect myself from being destroyed due to the callous handling of my love, affection, or friendship by someone. I have been saying for years I am the strongest woman I know. Part of that, in my opinion, is having the ability to know as well as to act when, for my own survival and happiness, I have to remove a cancerous negativity from my life. I am not saying it's something I'm proud of, however I do think it speaks volumes to my need to be surrounded by positivity and people who are in my corner cheering for me not cutting me down at every given opportunity, or telling me how I will never be capable of anything more than what I can do or am at this moment.

So to wrap up my rant, yes I do tend to put an expiration date on people who choose to be negative or get a thrill when someone else is down and they can laugh or use it to their advantage. I am not saying I am the most wonderful person or friend in the world, 'cause believe me I'm not. I do strive though everyday to be a better person, mother, wife and friend. I am by no means any where near where I would love to be one day. I do believe that all I can do is keep trying and hope that one day I will be the woman I hope to become, one that my daughter will be proud to call her mom...one that my husband will be proud to call his wife...most importantly one that I will be proud to call myself.