Rock Bottom

I had a familiar conversation with a very good friend today. She mentioned how her family was feeling the economic crisis, she said they had reached their financial rock bottom. I told her how I can relate totally. I explained we were treading water and had been for awhile. It got me to thinking about our lives and our government. Her family like ours is a two income family. My husband and I both work full time as do her and her husband, and yet we never seem to get very far ahead. Both of our families are very frugal with our money there are no extras. We rarely if ever eat out, we don't have expensive hobbies and if money is tight our hobbies are the first to go. For example my husband hasn't been hunting all season, though he's had many invitations. I haven't been to the scrapbook store in months, in fact my husband and I were just talking the other day about how proud we were of me because I have been turning out a lot of really beautiful pages lately, but haven't shopped for supplies. I wonder when were all working so hard to make our American dreams come true why do they seem so far away...why does it seem like the people who don't work has hard or follow the rules seem to get more....I know life's not fair, but some times I wonder why it seems so unfair to the good people. Why does our government continually seem to ignore our personal needs. It's an election year and I am disappointed by my options for a presidential candidate....there seems to be no real good answer in sight....it's not something that will be fixed overnight but there are definite steps that could be taken to make it seem fixable. Yet even as I write this I know no matter what promises they make no one is looking out for the "good" guy. The work 40-60 hrs a week and still come up short at the end of the month guy. The I don't think it's wrong to want to buy my children new clothes guy. What about us. I only had one thing to say to my friend I understand....I can't do much to help but offer a cup of coffee and an ear, but I'll do that as long as you need it....were all in this together until someone figures out a way to make it better.

In response to your blog!

I have a day off and therefore am feeling.....insightful (please hold all laughter till the end of the blog) any way I read a friends blog recently...2 day in fact. It was entitled the calm before the storm. This and what she had to say got me thinking...she expresses (I'm paraphrasing here) her nervousness about it all being so good....which reminds me of one of my favorite music quotes "somethings gotta go wrong cuse I'm feeling to damn good"....any way it got me to thinking, I have felt for awhile now that I was in the middle of a storm....I have been walking gently waiting for the wind to stop blowing and the rain to stop pouring and the clouds to part....however after reading her blog today I began to reconsider my position.... in life at this moment....(you know how much I love to play the questions with no answers game)....so what if this is the calm....what if everything I've been visualizing and hoping and convincing myself will happen is about to....that would mean...(here comes the lets pretend game)....I'm going to get a job custom fit to me....Chet has passed his test....buying a house is not only possible but happens....financial woes disappear....(I love this game) and I could go on all day, but the point of my pointless ramblings are what if I am starting to get so used to good I sometimes mistake challenges for bad....I believe there is a difference....I spent a great many years making bad look good for the sake of every one around me....including me.... but I must be the first to admit I have been overly blessed with so much good lately it's possible I have allowed myself to become de-sensitised to the overwhelming good of it all....the simple satisfactions of a quiet evening at home....the simple joy of hearing my daughter laugh its such a simple pure innocent laugh....the insane happy feeling I get when my husbands eyes light up when I get home from work....the way I still get butterflies in my stomach when he looks into my eyes right before he kisses me deeply....these are all things I feel I may very well be taken for granted....and if my predictions are correct (which they usually are) the storm is on it's way....not here yet....It will be a welcome storm a storm of possibility and love and blessings and dreams becoming reality....perhaps my friends blog has made me realize I've had the "calm before the storm" feeling for some time I've just been to busy wanting for more I've confused it for exhaustion and struggle....when what's really been going on is L-I-V-I-N....allow me to explain when my husband and I were just friends I would tell him my whole life was about survival....I even have a tattoo dedicated to it....he would tell me he was gonna teach me how to live....not survive live....one of our favorite quotes is (we like quotes in case you were wondering) "Just keep livin"....and as I sit here in my bathrobe on my day off...the first in quite a while...I realize we have been livin....livin doesn't mean it's a fairy tale....it means your feeling and fighting and loving and enjoying and....well livin! So to my friend who wrote the blog I have no right or ability to give any worthwhile advice I will say to you....I say breath deep look around take it all in and let it all go if there is a storm I know you well enough to have total faith you will handle it like a pro and there wont be a hair out of place when it blows over....I would also say it may be just maybe it's pure and total excitement....you have some amazing blessing about to take place in your life as well and it's possible just possible you have forgotten what that feels like....I don't presume to tell you how you feel...nor would I want to....however as I have just blogged sometimes it can all be mixed up and can take a lot of time to figure out....and as a woman I know I for one I am guilty of finding a quick answer to how I'm feeling because I feel I shouldn't spend to much time trying to figure my own feelings out....not that you do this but I know I do....it could always be women's intuition and their is a storm coming....either way I know you'll be great....remember just keep livin....and who knows maybe the storm is the same storm and it's bringing wonderful blessings and changes of good fortune to both of us....in fact I think that's what it is and therefore we have no reason to dread it....we have only to accept it as it comes and be thankful!

Want, Bitch, Selfish, Mother...all that I am.

Okay so it's been awhile since I took the time to blog and since it has been so long I decided to blog about something important.....wait....it's coming....ok so you see why I haven't blogged in so long....I seem to have used all my energy up at work....(extra hours you know)....and now I have nothing to blog about....right so you know how you just get in the mood to have a sausage and cheese mcmuffin from micky dees in the morning....no it's not something I do all the time it's not even something I do often...which is why it is so annoying to me that they always seem to have the dumbest person working in the morning....is there really no one of with any semblance of intelligence willing to work at micky dees in the a.m.? And since I have started this obvious bitch fest there are a few other things that annoy me to....such as do you ever catch a movie about half an hour in and it just grabs your attention so you hit the handy dandy guide button to see when it will be on next so you can watch the whole thing....only to find out it isn't....it's not on the guide apparently someone decided anyone who ever would be or could be interested in this movie has the know how and ability to watch it at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Wednesday. So if that's true why is it when I ask someone about it no one has ever heard of it....can it be it's just a big hoax and the movie just appeared on t.v. for my sake and no one else in the universe caught it at 3:38 in the afternoon on Wednesday? Any way other things going on in my life....lets see....oh ok the closer my impending unemployment gets, the scarier it all seems, I am torn I am excited about the prospect of being a housewife again and being able to spend some much needed attention on my own child....at the same time I have the massive financial woes of our family to deal with....I feel like I'm leaving somewhat in the lurch...now I of course understand there is nothing at this point I can do about it, but I have to admit that is the case because of my own selfishness. I have a plethora of experience in my particular field and I know I could walk into any daycare in the tri-state area and have a job....not bragging just fact....but I don't want to.... I simply just don't want it anymore. I don't want to change diapers and say "no" and "please eat with your spoon" and "we don't hit our friends" and other like preschool teacher phrases. I know people who would gladly do this job for the rest of their lives and always be very happy doing so....I just don't want to....I don't want to be one of those old women who avoids their grandchildren because I am so burnt out from being with children. One of the ways I have convinced myself having one child and not several (as I had always hoped to) is because I told myself there will be life after there will be a period of time when my daughter is grown and there are no children to take care of....to give advice and money to yes there will always be but to hover over and struggle with every single day no....there will come a time when she just needs me in a standby position....when I am more of an after thought for her....and as much as I will hate that and as much as I will miss her and the constant need of her for me it is a part of life and I believe that any and every good parent knows this day will come and though it will suck and be the greatest heartache for us as parents it will also be a kind of Independence a chance to focus again on ourselves to think after a very long absence what do I want...not what do I need or have to do or what would she want or what does she need....just me what do I want....though it may sound selfish to many I hope that one day I do think these thoughts....if I do it is proof I as a parent have done my job and raised a confident independent forward thinking active lively intelligent capable happy loving member of society....and when you get to the heart of a mother isn't that her greatest accomplishment....isn't that what she wants for all of her children....just to know their ok and with or without her they can make and live a great life....I know I do. Any way so I'm torn about my sense of duty and my wants I can't help but think I deserve to love my job I deserve to want to go to work everyday. I do know and I love it, I look forward to going to work every morning, even with my feeling of betrayal and manipulation by my boss I still love my job. I just want to feel that no matter what I choose to do and I know that if I stay with my current career field I know I wont. So there it is my random thoughts and an update on my mind....not that I can keep up with it anymore than any one else can.