Another year has come and gone...I'm a year older...currently I'm having a huge issue with someone very close to me...or they were anyway...So for this years birthday blog I will not bad mouth anyone...I will not "erase" anyone. Tomorrow may change all of that but for today I will find peace within myself...peace with my faults...peace with my wants...peace with my disappointments...peace with my aggravations...peace with my shortcomings...peace with my inabilities.

I have never claimed to be perfect...actually I often use myself as the example of how not to live. I try to never...note the word try...use my childhood as an excuse for anything...however anyone who knows even a piece of it knows I am so much more sane than I have any right to be...some of my personality faults are due to the childhood and upbringing I have survived...it makes me less able to deal with things most people would just let go.

As much as I hate to admit it...and that's a lot...I do miss people...some who have chosen to move out of my life...others I chose to remove...I don't miss all of them...but I do miss some...there are times when my ability to remove or "erase" someone from my universe bites me in the ass...they will never know who they are...nor will anyone else, but their are some. I am in a better place at this point in my life than any other time I can remember. Even with the current nasty situation playing itself out...my home and family life couldn't be better...I have most anything I could have ever wanted in life. I feel safe secure loved and content...I know there will always be something to rock the boat, but I know my Mr. Right and I can weather anything thrown in our path. Which is saying a lot for him because I tend to make life a hell of a lot more difficult than it really has to be. I tend to blow things out of proportion. I tend to overreact. I tend to say mean things weather I mean them or not. I seem to be less understanding than most. I tend to forgive less than I should. I tend to dwell on things I should let go.

Yes these and many others are my faults...I see them admit to them and deny to change them...it has taken me 33yrs to become the person I am today. I try to live my life without hurting anyone or anything...I fail at this all the time...but I'm still trying...I try to always take responsibility for my actions...that is often difficult but I figure if I want other people to do it I have to as well. I try to hear people out..weather I agree with what they have to say or not. I try to be understanding when I disagree with someone...I try to agree to disagree...again not an easy task but I try.

As another year goes by I can only seem to be thankful for what I have been blessed with. An amazing and loving husband. A healthy and beautiful daughter. A chosen family I adore. A beautiful home. Friends any woman would be proud to call friends. most of all at the end of ever day I look myself in the mirror and I confront myself with pure absolute honesty...what did I do today to be proud of? What did I do today I'm ashamed of? What could I have been better at? Did I tell the people I needed to that I love them? Was I a good mom today? Was I a good wife today? Was I a good friend today? Was I a good role model today?

I don't always answer these questions like I would prefer...but I am always honest with myself...and others...I figure I'm to old to lie...and I don't have the memory strength to keep up with lies anymore...after all I'm not 75 or 90...but I'm not 22 anymore either.

I am who I am to old to change my personality, but young enough to still know what a good time is. To old to change my way of thinking, but young enough to know other thoughts are just as important or relevant. To old to admit I have more to learn, but young enough to listen closely when a learning opportunity is available. To old to say I know it all...young enough to think on occasion I'm totally right no matter who thinks otherwise. To old not to share, but young enough to still have moments of selfishness. To old to say I didn't know better, but young enough to throw caution to the wind on occasion. To old to say I don't need anyone, but young enough to still think I can do it myself.

I am wise beyond my years...and yet there are times when I feel like a newborn who hasn't seen anything and knows even less. I was forced to be grown long before most...yet when I get the urge I can be the most immature and irresponsible person I know. I have seen and experienced things most people shouldn't and haven't...yet there are times when I am shocked by society.

I guess the most amazing thing about getting another year older is the fact that after all these years...after all my experiences and encounters...people still shock the hell out of me. The human race as a whole and on closer more immediate levels people surprise me all the time...the anger, ignorance, stupidity, denial, selfishness, recklessness,laziness,greed, fear and most of all the simple hurtful manner of them. After all the years I have observed so many humans in so many situations...I am still surprised by how quickly one person will sell another down the river to help themselves.

I've heard many elder people say many times...the most shocking thing they see every day is people hurting each other...I think I get that now...in a million different ways it seems the human race has claimed war on itself...it all seems like some big game...the one who wins is the one who can hurt the most while not getting hurt in the process...and the winner...they get to stand alone...they get to have no one who really cares for them standing with them...they get to say they were the most terrible...the most hurtful...the most uncaring...the most devious...I think my new realization for this year is I don't want to be the winner...I want to be the loser...the one who hurt the fewest...the one who sits at a table surrounded by a ton of people I love and cherish...who love and cherish me...people who I want to be thrilled for in times of joy...people who I hurt for in times of pain...people who do these same things for me...share in my joy and pain...not because they have to, but because they want to be that invested in my life...and the life of my loved one's.

Yes another year has passed...as always I have learned many things this year...more people have come and gone...more relationships have begun and ended...I have discovered more faults with myself as I do every year...I have relearned what it means to love and accept as I do every year...I have learned contentment...as I do every year...I have learned to love myself without demanding more from me...as I do every year. I have learned to love my loved one's without demanding more from them...as I do every year. I have learned to be satisfied with what I have...as I do every year.

I learn them every year because I forget them every year...never for very long...as life has a way of quickly reminding someone of the most important lessons. So as we start another year I am currently in the know of these things...however I know as history has shown I will forget them and one by one be reminded of them all over again.

I think I look forward to relearning life's most precious lessons...after all as long as I relearn them every year I'm still capable of growing and maturing further...and the excitement of not knowing what is coming next is enough reason to look forward to another year with excitement and a sense of wonder, eagerness, trepidation and hopefulness!

So here's to saying goodbye to last year and hello to this new year...here's to hoping and actively making it just as amazing as the past years!

Happy Birthday Monica (Shiimer)! Have a great year!
Laugh often
Love much
Live well
Dance
Sing
Harm none
Forgive
Allow
Let go
Keep
Feel
Be satisfied
Want
Need
Admit
Don't do it all
Do it all
Be
Think
Know
Appreciate
Take for granted
Be nice
Encourage
Live!

An emotional weekend

Wow what a weekend...it was emotional...to say the least!

After this weekend was over I felt all of these...loved, wanted, sexy, appreciated, joy, happiness, nauseous, drunk, excited, proud, lost, young, old, empty, protected, disappointed, disrespected, ditched, unwanted, used and hurt. Most of all blessed!

See I said it was an emotional weekend!

I felt so loved by all my crew...they threw me the most amazing birthday party I've ever had. They made me feel like I was important and wanted. Thanks to my big brother's ability to write his feelings in a card I felt so protected. Thanks to all my crew I felt joy and happiness. There were a couple of times I did feel a little nauseous...only after spinning on the wheel of course!

My amazing husband as always made me feel young and sexy. Of course by the time the late night came around I felt drunk. I was excited all weekend to have everyone around and see baby sister. After I gave her her diamond nose ring I felt she really appreciated it, therefore I felt appreciated in that moment. Baby sister told me sassafrass has a natural talent for music...I felt so proud to hear someone who knows say that!

I felt lost when I couldn't understand why it seemed the kids were not wanting to be with us at all. I mean why would you come to someones house under the guise of wanting to be with them wanting to celebrate both of your birthday's together for the first time, and then just treat their house like it's a flop house I was left feeling used and lied to. I felt so disrespected when the most honored guests took off without saying good bye or telling anyone they were leaving. I felt so unwanted when it was made clear to me our family and myself were not the reason for the visit. As for leaving the party without telling anyone or even saying goodbye or happy birthday or thanks for trying to include us I felt ditched. I felt old when I was told I didn't understand the young and selfish concept....yet it is apparently okay to hurt someone who took the time out to give advice that you asked for...help that you asked for with the young peoples relationship problems. It is okay to hurt someone as long as you have the excuse of being young and selfish to use. It is okay to stand and look an 11yr old in the eye and lie to her...as long as you have the excuse of being young and selfish.

The other thing I felt this weekend was ashamed...I'm ashamed of the irresponsible and immature attitude and what I hope is a temporary personality of someone I love so much. I felt so empty when the realization that I am no more important than any other family member...after being told so many times I was so needed and wanted and helpful and understanding and fun and loved and a favorite.

I had a perfectly fantastic weekend...it had some low moments, but thanks to MY family and my amazing crew...My perfect Mr. Right and my sunshine princess...the lows were minimized and the highs were all I could have wished for!

I know the young have their own lives...I remember being young...it wasn't that long ago. I don't ever remember however using my youth, immaturity, irresponsibility, or selfishness as an excuse to disrespect, use, or HURT the people I claimed to love...the people who had proven time and again that they were there for me...the people who didn't judge me for my choices...the people who I claim I wouldn't know what to do without. No I sit here and search my mind...even now I don't ever recall using my youth, selfishness, or immaturity as an excuse to HURT anyone...and I never used it as a reason to get away with lying to a child.

Either way I'm not young anymore...but I have made my life my own...I have filled it with people I love and people who love me! I have learned as the young have not...the only really important thing in life is family...not money...not drugs...not partying...not sex...not being cool...just FAMILY weather by birth, marriage or choice....FAMILY is the only thing that lasts and losing them leaves a wound that never heals completely...I am so loving my family!

Last but surely not least I felt blessed. After all no matter what happened with the young ones I got to see them...they allowed me a brief glance into their universe...I don't have to like what I saw...but I got to glance. I got the honor of their presence for a moment...and with the young one cannot expect much more.
My family and crew made me feel blessed to know and have each and every one of them...they made me feel blessed to know they would always be there and after so many family fails...I have a family for the future!

My mini me as always makes me feel blessed just by being herself! She was so understanding when she was lied to... though I know she was hurt and disappointed a great deal...she held her head high and simply took a "their loss" attitude! She is simply the most remarkable human being I have ever known.

My Mr. Right always makes me feel proud and blessed he is the love of my life he loves me like no one ever has he is the center of my universe...and one of my two favorite people on the planet.

Yes it was an emotional weekend, but it was unforgettable as well! All in all it was all I could have hoped for and more!

Oh shit moments...or lack of wit...or being average...oh hell make up your own title!

I have a few blogs I follow simply because of the wit they offer...I have cleverly disguised them as scrap booking blogs...or they have disguised them that way. One of my favorites is on vacation at the moment...and her latest blog entry was titled "Oh shit". I knew when the day started I wanted to blog...about what I wasn't sure...I could always fall back on my sentimental crap about life and marriage and motherhood...not that I don't mean every sentimental piece of crap I write about them...I however am beginning to feel I have no wit or sense of humor anymore....I have always dreamed of being one of those women who take 20 or 30 mins out of the day and blogs something so insightful or witty that people I don't even know take notice...truth is...I'm just not that witty....insightful yes I think I have mastered that craft...in the mushy area's anyway, but wit, wit is something that cannot be taught...it's one of those glorious talents your either born with or your not...I unfortunately was not. I try to be witty...believe me I try...it just never seems to work out for me. So taking inspiration from a very witty blogger...I will now blog about "Oh Shit" moments...surely there is some wit to be found there.

Although most of my Oh Shit moments leave me feeling like a failure or incapable...they are not cute Uma Thurman kind of witty moments...they are more like (child screaming) "Mom I can't believe you didn't get me signed up for volleyball in time...and now I can't sign up...I guess I'll be the only one of my friends not playing this year." moments. Of course there's always the other kind of Oh shit moments...like damn I still haven't mailed the girl scout envelope in or holy crap I forgot to pay the gas bill...for the last two months!

Am I being harder on myself than I should? I think not after all I've seen those women in the grocery store looking adorable in their gap capris and stylish lands end short jackets...with the hip at the moment ballet flat slip-on's and the 30 min hair style made to look like it took 5mins and just turned out this cute...while their perfectly behaved covered in limited too and the children's place children quietly follow them around the store holding hands...never whining or complaining or asking for things they can't have. Me...I'm the other woman...the one who's hair is wrapped in a bun because by the time I get a shower at 10:30 at night I'm to tired to bother washing it...I'm the one with the 11yr old arguing about how much sugar really is in cookie crisp cereal...and has the two preschoolers in the cart fighting over who gets to hold the tomato's and complaining because there isn't enough room in the cart for all the groceries and their little bodies...I'm also the woman you can find at 10 at night sitting happily in the recliner eating a piece of carrot cake..bought of course never homemade...only to wake up the next morning to find my pants are a bit snug and curse myself for eating after 8pm.

I would have thought I had outgrown my need to compare myself to these seemingly all together women. I mean I should have gotten over that in high school right? After all the truth is never as good as the fantasy...I mean these so put together women are probably in debt over their heads...buying their in the second fashion's on almost maxed out credit cards...the reason their children are so well behaved and quiet is because she threatened to get rid of the new puppy at home if they so much as breathed to loud in the store...her anger coming of course from the fact that she recently found out her husband is schtooping the woman who works across from him on the line at the factory...at least that's what I tell myself...I'm not bitter about things I don't have...I'm appreciative for what I do...my daughter feels comfortable enough to express her feelings...my marriage is good...no I mean really good...we actually like each other let alone love. I believe I have things some of these women will never know...unfortunately for them.

I crave much sillier things...things I could control...yet constantly do not. For instance I crave truly intellectual conversation with adults you know the kind they make movies about...and yet..I don't follow politics, I rarely watch the news and I have no and I mean no need to hear how someone else feels about my opinion. So due to my own ignorant bliss and immature inability to acknowledge someone may have a different opinion I don't have the conversations with adults like the ones Hollywood makes millions about. I fall under the much more average category of women...Ohhh to be witty...if only I were witty it would give me an edge...not the same as the well dressed "in" crowd of women...but something.

So i sit here on a Tuesday morning in the back yard watching my wards play in the dirt, while my coffee gets cold sitting on the ground and I light up my 3rd...yes 3rd cigarette of the day...told you I was average...someone who was not aware of my amazingly above average talents as a woman would probably describe me as an overweight to loud poorly dressed slightly unaware of the world around her homely housewife....I would be hard pressed to argue...but in my usual tacky way I would no doubt come up with some crude curse filled response that would only accentuate what they were saying by making me look immature and in-articulate. That is one thing I can do well...I can out curse a sailor...not that I usually brag about this note worthy gift of mine...it comes from growing up poor with uneducated parents. Keep in mind none of these snarky politically incorrect comebacks could be considered in any way witty...so there again a fail.

I own my averageness...I believe there has to be a hell of a lot of average people to help make the stunning people look that much better. I think if I had the gift of wit I would still be average...I would just be a more interesting average. As I am though the only really interesting things about me are all the negative one's my abusive childhood and my inability to bear children...both of which I have to admit...are getting old and boring to me...I have never used either as an excuse for anything...well that's not exactly true...sometimes I'll get sad...I'm not sure why but I do...I will cry for no reason...no it's not your average pms...I don't have that anymore...according to the under worked overpaid over educated doctor I pay so much money to every year. I will use the "baby incident" as I call it to explain it...but other than that I have never used either of my misfortunes as an excuse...but I wonder...if I had had a normal...average childhood...would I be witty. Is that what it takes to make wit grow in one...who knows?

Ahhhh the search for wittiness...I may never find it...so I guess I will continue with my crude way of throwing out the occasional zinger and hope perhaps wit will come with age, or experience, or oh hell I don't know...for now I'll keep giving nasty fake smiles to the above average women in the grocery store as I walk by and drop boxes of sugary cereal and 8pack of candy bars into their carts and smile to myself as I walk to my average car and load up my average groceries to return to my average yet comfortable house and family...I will smile because I happen to know that these women are not nearly as above average as they may like to appear...after all they live in a small town in Kansas for crying out loud...not L.A. how fucking above average can they be!

This mean crude nasty thought will get me through the rest of the day with a smile on my face...it may not be the preferred method of self soothing, but then again those of us with out wit must use whatever devices we can including the much loathed yet most popular method of adolescents everywhere...of "I'm better than you because I say so."