Wut???

okay I have apparently created 2 blogs now hahahaha typical Me! Any who I took off the pics of the bachelorette party, but never fear I'll put'em back and in a cool slide show thing to.

So it's the week of the wedding Whoo-Hoo! I can't even begin to try to describe my feelings at this point....the only obvious word seems to be "positive" I am totally positive about everything....the wedding is gonna be great the honeymoon's gonna be great....hell I even think the marriage is gonna be great! We have made huge efforts in the last couple of weeks to remove all the negative drama, feelings, and....well just the negative from our lives and it finally feels like we have done it. It feels as if a weight has been lifted from us....as if the grey clouds have been blown away by the wind and replaced by the glorious sun! It's just so wonderful to be completely happy and excited about this amazingly beautiful experience were having.

I am thrilled to report we are ready and eagerly awaiting the arrival of the day....and that's no small fete considering the drama and just plain b.s. that has been shoved at us in the last few months. I am super proud of us as well. We planned, payed for and will execute a beautiful wedding with little to no support from friends or family....there was no extra money from family, almost no outside help with preparations from friends....we did it.....we decided we wanted this and we went after it and we made it happen. I'm starting to believe we can do anything. Even faced with incidents that could have ruined or at the very least put a huge damper on our special occasion, we managed to cling to each other ride out the storm and still have this amazingly positive energy to pull us through to the last. I consider it a testament to our love and ability to overcome all things as long as we have our little family. Don't misunderstand the casualty list is long, loved one's were lost, bridges were burned, and feelings have been hurt beyond repair, but we can rest easy knowing we did what was right for us and we are not responsible for other peoples actions or choices.

I know for myself personally I will try to choose the people in my inner circle alot more carefully and I will not be so trusting, or eager to cater to someone else's feelings again. It's dangerous to let people to far into you....you never really know if they can be trusted.....until that one moment comes, and you have to see who they really are and what their really made of....the disappointment can be devastating as I have learned (the hard way) recently. I am thank full for the time I did have and for the memories I will forever cherish and keep. A good friend of mine says "people come in and out of our lives for a reason....we take and give things to/from these people and they move on....or we do, but everyone has left a mark no matter how small or great on us, and us on them. The trick is to try to make as much of the experience as positive as possible, no matter how difficult that may seem" I'm not sure I did that this time, but I did the best I could and will forever know that no matter what will or has happened I did take things and leave things and I learned things. One of my favorite quotes is "Beginnings are usually scary....endings are usually sad, but it's whats in the middle that counts." That I think is so very true. So here's to the endings (hopefully their done for awhile) and to all the beginnings (which are happening all the time) bring on the new people and let keep L-I-V-I-N!!

Just an update

Okay so after the immense drama over the last two weeks, I am thrilled to report, the bachelorette party was a complete success! It was so much fun, I think we all had a great time. I know I did. It seems to me the closer we get to the wedding the more people around me are disappointing. I take comfort in the fact that I am marrying a man I know I can count on.

Anyway like I said the party was amazing everything from liquor to good looking guys to bulls to great food it was so perfect! All thanks to my girl Ashley, your the best! I think were almost ready for the wedding just a few little things left to do, most of which will be done the day before. It's gonna be "perfect" contrary to popular belief. No matter what happens this week I refuse to let anything or anyone put a damper on the day. After all "It's my special fucking day, and I'm a pretty fucking princess." Chet said he had a great time at his as well it was the same night as mine.

I am really getting excited about everything. The honeymoon is gonna be amazing and hopefully relaxing as well. The dress is perfect! Yay Ronda!

We had mall madness this weekend and it was amazing! The sales, the people the games the fun the food we really had a great time! The girls finally fell asleep about 30 mins before we left and were crazy grouchy, but all in all it was a blast and a must do next year!

A long hard look at friendships.....or lack there of!

When I was younger I believed that friendships were fun, and easy. I believed that if someone wasn't fun then there was no point in our being friends. I believed that if this other person added something to me we were good friends. I believed if I could be myself around them, then they were good for me and were a true friend.

I'm not so young now and I don't believe what or like I used to. I no longer believe friendships are supposed to be fun and easy. I no longer believe that someone who isn't fun isn't worth having as a friend. I no longer someone has to add something to me to be a good friend. I no longer believe being allowed to be myself around someone means they are a good, and true friend.

I have discovered most of the attributes I used to believe defined a friendship, I have found in some of my most cunning enemies. People who put up a guise, and let me believe all the things I had since I was young. Its hard to spot these people and I am sure there are so many more I have yet to even discover in my life. It makes me wonder though. When did I stop believing? When was it this massive realization hit me? Was it a person? A few people perhaps? Or just another coming of age cliche' something that everyone comes to realize in their own time? I think back to all of the "friends" I've had in my life and I can pinpoint almost exactly every time they hurt, or let me down. Yet some of these people I still call my friends to this day. Ahhh, but alas, I can also name a group of people who have been my "friend" for a very short time and have done me no disloyalty. Is it just a matter of time? Does every "friend" we have disappoint, hurt, anger, or let us down? Is it perhaps that we have skewed the idea of friendship to a point that it is so blurred we no longer understand what the true definition is?

And then there's me. How many people have called me a friend just to be hurt or angered or disappointed or let down? How many people have I been disloyal to under the guise of being their "friend"? If I knew it, would I think I was justified in doing these things? Is it ok to be hurtful because you have been hurt? If I was never as good a "friend" as I thought was, is it right to expect someone to be a great "friend" to me? I look at my daughter today and I see her with her childhood "friends" some of them I just get the feeling she will know forever. Others I want to warn her about. Not that I think they will hurt or anger her but I fear they will disappoint her. I feel just by knowing where they come from and how they were raised you can begin to see what kind of "friend" they will be. So why can't I see that with people I bring into my own life? Why are their guises so much harder to see through and protect myself against?

Now I believe a true friend tells me how it is even if I don't like it, though always knows when I need to be lied for my own good. I believe I can be myself though a good friend, would tell me when I'm not being the best me I can be. I believe a good friendship is one that can allow you to not see or speak to each other for years and yet when you do it's as if no time has passed. I believe a friendship is not always fun, we see each other through hard and sad and scary times to. I believe a person who is good for me doesn't need to add anything to me, because they think I'm great as is. I believe I have very few friends who fit this description. And as I reread what I have written the number of "friends" I believed I had when I started this blog has reduced......greatly. I believe that's sad.......but it's what I believe.

I believe to be a good friend I need to know when a friend is hurting and be willing to put aside any issues I may have about anything to be there for them. I believe I need to add nothing to them, if I call myself their "friend" I already love them and their shortcomings. I believe I don't always have to make it fun as long as I make it real. I believe sometimes they as their friend I have to be honest, unless they need lied to for their own sake. I believe it's ok if our lives take different paths as long as I try to stay connected in some way and make them know I'm here. I believe I have not always been a good "friend", but I can always try harder.

Hope for the future

So a lot of the stresses about money have relaxed, but I still feel worn. I can't seem to make anybody understand why I am so stressed and demanding. Its more than just "the bride" syndrome. I've done this before I know what it takes to make a marriage a good one. I've seen a great many examples. I have also personally experienced a not so great one. I know or at least believe in my heart we have what it takes to make it. Were both going into this wiser than most. We understand that a great marriage doesn't happen overnight and doesn't mean I always like you, or even that I always wanna be with you. It does mean I always love you, and after my mood lifts I will wanna be with you again. I read a quote that said "Marriage means falling in love again and again, always with the same person." I believe this with my whole heart. So because I have this infinite wisdom in my cranium I do want everything this time that the last time wasn't. I want to dance at my wedding I want to have a wonderful honeymoon I want a dinner I want to be the belle of the ball. I just want it beautiful and perfect. Is that to much to ask? I think not are only uppity wealthy debutante socialites allowed to have the picture perfect weddings? Where is it in the rule book, if your paying for it yourself and you work a blue collar job that you have to have a crappy unmemorable special day? As I continually remind everyone around me "It's my special fucking day and I'm a special fucking princess." I stole that quote from someone who used to be very important to me. I'm not trying to sound like I'm complaining, really I'm not who knows it may all turn out perfect. It may just be that all the details are taken care of and now my biggest worry is that all will happen as I have pictured in my head. Let's hope anyway. Oh the whole point of this is the reason why it's so important to me is because this is the first large milestone of our lives together, and I want it to be one of the best memories we share. I want this wedding and honeymoon to be something we look back on and say "we did it our way and it was perfect." I have the guy I have the ring I have my daughter, if the wedding happens as I hope, all that's left is the house and a very small very adorable yorkie, and a very large and very sweet english mastiff, then sit back and just keep livin! That's what I'm working toward make all the dreams come true, and sit back and just keep livin! L-I-V-I-N!! Never forgetting to smell the roses, kiss the kids, make love passionately, laugh, smile, and love!

Allow me to be the Bride!

We booked the Honeymoon suite! I guess if nothing else turns out we'll at least have a room to hang out in. I was under the impression that it was my job as the bride to stress, about whatever I felt needed to be stressed out about. Their are people around me who would have me think otherwise. Their has been a lot going on not just with our wedding but life in general. Given the circumstances as they are I feel I should be allowed to be as stressed or "dramatic" as I choose to be. After all I haven't been a "bridezilla" through the whole process I only have about a month left. Its not that I want to be overly dramatic, and stressed it's just that it's crunch time and I feel if I haven't let it get to me till now (actually I just haven't been showing it getting to me) I should be allowed to let some of those feeling out now. My fiancee and I have done everything for this wedding by ourselves, and I feel that has made us closer. I don't think that gives anyone who jumps in during the last min. of the game the right to tell me I'm being overly dramatic. There have been decisions made and disappointments faced by just the two of us. Lately some have acted as if I couldn't have done this without them, or that they had done it all. When the truth is no one has, we have made this wedding what it is thus far by ourselves. I'm fine with that I just don't think because someone is now making themselves use full or trying to be useful that they have the right to complain about my attitude. I am the bride! Not a typical one I'll agree but a bride none the less and if I want to feel that the whole process is falling apart at the seems, that is my right. If I want to say out loud that I feel it's all just been a shitty process and nothing seems to be working that's my right. I also feel if they don't want to hear about it or if they feel they have heard it enough then they don't have to participate. I do want my wedding to be perfect. I do want the ceremony to be beautiful. I do want the honeymoon to be romantic. I want everything every other bride wants. I don't feel it should matter that this is mine and his second marriage. I don't feel anyone should have to lie about how they feel about it either. If they are not in support I only wish they would admit that and remove themselves from the process. I am no less of a bride than anyone else. I would love for things to go smoothly and for everything to be like a fairytale, but this is reality, and things get messy and stressful, and screwed up. I just want to be allowed to stress over them to be disappointed when they don't work out and to have the right to express that. I just want to be the bride, all the craziness and drama and stress that goes with it.

Gaining a new perspective?

Okay so were running with the wedding and my ring should be here in just a few day's. YAY! I made the comment to a friend the other day that it seemed everything that could go wrong with this wedding was. I know most brides feel this way because of the stress and the pressure of it all, but there have been what I perceive as major hurdles. Being treated horribly by the dress shop (Davids Bridal) started things off, and then a huge issue in a very important relationship, important to me as well as to the wedding, its been rectified. Also the removal of a honeymoon like we had hoped and wanted, sandy beaches, tropical local, out of the country. Most recent was the ring I had a beautiful absolutely breathtaking engagement ring, and I washed it down the drain....literally I was washing my hair in the shower and when I got out of the shower it was gone. The silver lining there is some girlfriend of the water treatment plant is gonna be a very happy girl! Then the insurance company was completely unsympathetic and questioned my character on numerous occasions. Any way I guess all that matters is that everything is working out in its own way. I got the dress. We fixed the issues with the relationship, we are having a honeymoon (not like we were gonna have, but something is better than nothing), and like I said before the new ring should be here soon this week soon. All in all I guess they sound like small problems, and they are it's just been a long couple of months and to have a beautiful wedding and a relaxing, fun, and enjoying honeymoon is going to seem that much more of a treat after. I guess that's kinda the point though right? The hard times, the trying times help us appreciate the great times that much more.

Just Thinking

Just some random thoughts today.
(thinks meaningfully)
Life is moving like it always does and the stresses just keep piling up, I try to be optimistic that all will work out for the best and I know it will. After all it can't be that bad I'm not dead yet(wink wink).
I feel lately somehow distracted from my life as a whole and far away from those I love and depend on. (looks into space longingly)
I guess its just pms, or the big "d" word (crinkles nose and shakes head) or something even less romantic and meaningful like boredom. (raises eyebrow and nods smiling)
Either way I must admit I have been doing better lately about thinking on the bright side and hoping for the best no matter what really happens. (smiles sheepishly)
I have been trying really hard to be in a better mood and not bring everyone around me down.
I try to keep up with so many around me weather it be monetarily or, in relationships or with a new pair of flip-flops. I'm hoping to grow out of this immature and somewhat unsettling phase of my life soon (sigh), maybe.