A horrifyingly Massive realization!

I was just in the shower, and while this is not a dramatic or eventful happening, what happened while I was in the shower was. So I'm enjoying my shower alone with no daughter or husband to share the space with it was truly a treat....don't get me wrong I love taking a shower with both my daughter and my husband, however sometimes a girl just needs to take a shower alone. So I'm having my shower....a special shower.... ladies you know what I mean the kind of shower where you can actually groom, because you have the room to stretch out your legs and shave....yep a truly wonderful experience. I don't know about the rest of you girls but when I shave my legs I like to prop one up on the side of the tub and really get it good. So I'm shaving and singing "Hairspay's" greatest hits "Hey mama welcome to 60's oh oh oh oh ohhhh go mama go go go...." so I'm shaving and singing and shaving and singing ahhh such subtle bliss.... I'm shaving while mentally reminding my self of where every scar came from and taking mental notes of any new freckles....is that skin cancer maybe hmmmm....silently berating my lack of self control knowing the dark spot on my left thigh wouldn't be there if I could control myself and not scratch itchy mosquito bites....damn those nasty little bitting shits. Any who suddenly I'm looking at my leg and the razor in my right hand stops mid calf....my left hand freezes in mid air with a soapy loofah dripping...."what....those aren't my legs....what the hell"....I readjust thinking It's just bad lighting....after all it's the middle of the afternoon so I chose not to turn the bathroom light on....being the "green" minded individual that I am....no still it's not right....maybe if I turn around....no still somethings wrong....then it hits me those aren't my legs....thier....no this couldn't be....oh no the universe couldn't be this cruel....thier....thier....My Mothers Legs.....Yep that's right.....Ohhhh the cruelty.....the inhumanity....the injustice....I look up at the ceiling....take a deep breath, gather up all my mental strength and look again....yep cellulite in the same spot....ankles on their way to becoming cankles....oh no....how could I have not noticed this....how long have they looked this way.....I know I don't shave as much as I should but I mean come on it's not been weeks or anything....I finish shaving and get out of the shower and stand in front of the mirror for a minute....My worst fear....I believe, every woman's worst fear, is terrifyingly realized....I look like my mother....not a little bit....not just the nose....or the hair....not something I can have surgically altered...(damn right I would I'm not vain just picky)....oh no it's everything....that's right the nose the chin the double chin (that I don't have....or will not admit to).... the ears it's all there the only thing that keeps me from being a carbon copy of my mother are the eyes....and just the color of them the shape is the same....I fight back tears and try to calm my breathing.....after all it's hot and steamy in the bathroom and passing out and hitting my head on the toilet while trying desperately to cling to my sanity during this traumatic realization would only justify some peoples expectations of the nut house being my next stop.....I finish drying off and continue my usual bathroom routine....deodorant....face wash....clean the ears....get dressed....little perfume...and I'm out of there I begin to breath normal again....I get a cup of juice light a cigarette and try to make sense of the situation....now I should explain I'm an over thinker....it's just who I am I over analyze and over dramatize almost everything....so I begin a run down maybe it's just physical or just the legs and the face....my mother loved the phrase "because I said so" I never say that....good....progress.....my mother smoked cigarettes, and drank iced sweet tea constantly....mental note quite smoking and find a new favorite drink....ok that's manageable....now what else.... my mother was a cna and changed the diapers of old people....I have spent the last 15yrs changing diapers of young people....mental note get a new career....I begin to breath heavily again, and decide to have another cigarette....mental reminder quit smoking....Oh to hell with it....I mean it's already happened right there isn't a whole lot I can do about it....women have been facing this horrifying realization since the beginning of time....I have turned into my mother....NOOOOOO!......AHHHHH.....okay the screaming helped, I feel spent all the emotions....Massive realizations can be so tiring....so I say this to all my fellow sisters out there who have or will experience this horrifyingly massive realization....I feel you....we can get through this....all we have to do is breath deeply....and keep in mind one day our daughter(s) will be in the same uncomfortable mentally challanging situation we are and then it will be our turn to sit back and laugh....not because it's funny....or fair....but because we have the wisdom of time and experience on our side....and possibly a little less sanity....but we'll have learned by then (hopefully) that mental health is overrated, and if we live life....truly live it feeling everything we can and taking everything we can and enjoying all we can and learning all we can, perhaps we will be able to look at our daughters and say positively, and with a loving smile, that's just life dear it's a circle and you have just continued it. Or maybe I'll be in the nut house on a couple of years, and I won't care about my mothers legs at all because I will have convinced myself I'm Elizabeth Taylor, in the early years, and I'm draped in diamonds.....awwww that's better.

The purpose of pictures!

I have rediscovered the purpose of pictures. Though I am an avid scrapbooker and I love and cherish the time I spend doing it, I think I forgot the the purpose for awhile. I love the artistic outlet it gives me and the relaxation factor of it....even when I'm not even sitting in a comfortable position. I love that my grandchildren will have more than just some pictures scattered in an album to relate to. Lately It has seemed I have been slapping out layouts trying to get better at the cosmetic value....I have been trying to make them pleasing to look at. I think what I have missed is the feeling. I have forgotten to try to make the feeling of what I'm scraping come out. I was reminded of that tonight as I looked at pictures of our wedding. It's hard when your in a moment to appreciate and take it all in....it's hard to just enjoy it. Tonight however I got to relive the wedding from a different perspective and It brought back all the joy and happiness from the day. That is after all just what pictures are supposed to do, allow you to relive a moment at any time. They are supposed to let us go back in time any time we pick them up. In my mind scrapping is supposed to be pics on steroids. I think, like I said I lost that for awhile. I am remembering it, and looking at our wedding pics tonight was....totally joyous for me. Another huge thank you to everyone who helped us pull it all together, and make it our perfect day!!

Wedding pix

Here are a few more pix from the wedding!

Trying

I have spent alot of my life trying to "keep up with the Jones's". I am going to, from now on, try very hard not to be envious or jealous or spite full of what other people have. I am going to try to be happy for others when they have more then myself. I am going to attempt to know that anything I want I must go after myself, and make a legitimate effort to be as successful as I choose to be. I am going to make an effort to be comfortable with the fact that some people will always have more than I do. I am going to try to be ok not having the best of everything. I am going to try to not assume that people who do have it all are happy with what they do have. I am going to try to know and let it be known that I will be happy with what I have or will have. I will still keep striving to get a better and, bigger life, for myself and my family. I will try to remember, and live these things.....mostly because I know somewhere someone is striving to be, in life, just where I am.

In my world.....

I was thinking today about how things would be in my world and I know your all dying to hear about so here it is.

Monica's world

In my world.....

Great shoes would never cost more than $50 even designer
Louis vuitton would send me samples of everything for free
I would be on every A list Hollywood stars speed dial
Mothers who have naughty children in Wal-mart would discipline them accordingly
Fashions for voluptuous women would be so good skinny bitches would be jealous
I would have 2 more children
There would be world peace
There would be no hunger
Every child would receive an adequate education
All religions would be accepted
I would live in a southern plantation style mansion
I would write a bestseller
The earth would be respected and cared for
We would respect and take care of our elders
My grandpa would still be alive and I would talk to him once a week
I would have better skin
I would be tan all year
I would have as many diamonds as Tiffany's
Our bird would be a lot quieter
I would have a Yorkie
People would work at what made them happy
I would have at least 5 really great friends
I would be more daring in my fashion sense
My nickname would be Pookie
I would travel out of the country at least 4 times a year....for pleasure
I would be a wedding coordinator
I would speak at U.N. conferences....about what I don't know
I would drive a truck, but have a convertible for fun
I would be the foremost authority on child rearing
I would still talk to my mother, and my sister
People would leave the past in the past
People would forgive and forget.....
The word love would not be used so easily
Hate would be abolished
Everyone would communicate with everyone else
There would be no missing children
Poverty would be eliminated
I would be happy with what I have
War would be unnecessary
Cher would be president
I would have more clothes than Donna Karen
Reality t.v. would not exist
The only endangered animals would be spiders, snakes, and mosquito's
Kansas would have all 4 seasons....for more than a week or 2
Sunflowers would grow in my yard year round
Medicine would be applied as opposed to just practiced

There are alot more things I would have in my world these are just a few....but you get the idea! lol!

Bachelor party

I know these have been a long time coming but here are some pics from Chet's bachelor/fishing party!!

Comment for thought!

A very good friend of mine called me the other week, we don't ever see each other and we rarely talk, but she saw something on my myspace and it peaked her interest enough to call me. She asked me how I was, asked about the wedding, she was out of the country for her anniversary and was unable to attend, and she asked me about my comment on my myspace. My comment simply says I am about to make a life altering change. I explained what it meant and she made a comment to me that I have been processing and rolling over in my head for days. It may very well be the truest statement I have ever heard about myself. While explaining my comment, I stated "I was scared and seemed to once again be in a place in my life where good friends were extremely rare and very limited, and so I was once again left with no one but my wonderful husband to seek advice from and vent to", I went on to berate myself on my lack of ability to see people for who and what they are instead of what I needed or wanted them to be. My friend laughed....laughed....at first I was offended, I mean I am at a really low point in my life as far as friends go, and I am truly saddened and hurt by this....after all I am a girl and friends are as important to me as they are to any girl....oh the joy of shopping, gossiping, having coffee, having lunch, discussing husbands, children....these are all things I have been robbed of lately. I was needless to say hurt when she giggled innocently at my vexed state of emotion....then it happened and while I didn't take much heed into her statement at the time as I stated I have pondered it for days. She said "Monica have you ever noticed whenever you make a life altering change you never have friends." It was my turn to laugh....I said that's not true and changed the subject to when she was gonna have another baby. We talked for an hour or so, it was nap time that's what made the exchange possible, and when we had sufficiently caught up on each other's lives we said good bye and I knew instinctively it would be months before we talked again and I'm sure it will be.

Then as if she had, as Dane Cook would say, placed a bomb in the back of my brain somewhere, I began to think and think hard about her comment. I thought back to my childhood and leaving my adoptive parents, I didn't have any friends, not at school, not in the trailer park we lived in, it was just me and my sister. Then I thought about when I left my parents house, I didn't have any friends then either, just my ex-husband. Then I remembered when Shy was born, I didn't have any friends at that time as well, there was no one to call and be excited for me and tell me congrats. Then my thoughts rambled to my divorce, once again no friends, there was no one to cry to, no one to vent to, no one to give me advice and tell me I wasn't going crazy and that everything would be ok. I had Chet through the divorce, and don't get me wrong he was amazing, he was my life raft, he was my man though not a friend. My thoughts then took me to the most recent life changing event, my wedding, once again no friends. The more I thought and dissected this innocent comment made by some one who has known me a very long time the more I wanted to prove it wrong, however as I have just shown.....no luck.....she was right. So being the over thinking introspective, philosophizing person that I am I began immediately, after admitting it was true, wanting to know...... why?

Why would I possibly only make life altering choices and changes when no one is around....why do I always pick friends who are selfish and hypocritical, and judgmental....Why do life changing experiences only happen when I have so very few people around to share them with me..... I have always said and I maintain I am the strongest woman I know, I am not conceited I know there are stronger women out there in the world....I just don't know them. My life as of late, I have to admit, has been lack of truly difficult and trying times, is it perhaps the universes way of making sure I'm still as strong as I think I am? I have for years idolized shows that revolve around a group of women being truly great friends, they laugh, cry, and yell together, they manage somehow to fight and still remain friends....it has always been one of my greatest, yet least know, dreams and goal to have those kind of friendships. When I was in my teens I simply told myself that was something that would come when I was older. When I was in my 20's I told myself I would make those connections when the time was right. Now however, I'm in my not 20's any more and still those precious and so wanted female relationships are not there. Did I miss the window....was I looking the wrong way....did I let the truly great life lasting female bonding relationships slip away and hold onto the less worthy shitty ones?

I seem to ponder this "friends" question alot, in all kinds of forms. I am very perplexed and somewhat confounded by the whole thing. And I am most disturbed to discover that my friend was right. As I prepare myself for yet another life altering change, and a large one at that I must admit to myself however reluctantly, I would love to have a great group of friends around me now....I would love to be able to hear their opinions and perhaps get their advice....I also have to admit however that I will not "settle" I love myself more than any one every could I accept myself for exactly who I am and I will take nothing less from anyone who calls themselves my friend. It would appear that my "sex in the city" relationships are still no where to be found....maybe....just maybe....in my 30's.

My head hurts! and other things current and interesting!!

I think I'm getting a sinus infection and I dislike it very much.

So we have started the house purchasing process, again, I don't see much light at the end of this tunnel....yet. I have decided to not even worry about it until the really exciting stuff starts to happen....paper work.....signatures....just the stuff that takes action on our parts. Till then I'll just hold out and keep reaching higher.

Our girl seems to be doing very well in school so far. Her new glasses are absolutely adorable on her....she has great taste...wonder where she got that from? Any way she seems to really be enjoying it so far, and girl scouts is starting up soon. I am so proud of her she is continuously evolving in to this wonderful, beautiful, whole, independent, young woman. It never ceases to amaze me. She is taking her dads new girlfriend, with excellent poise and respect, on both sides. She seems to be very comfortable in her surroundings and with the people in her life. I am so awed watching her adjust and handle the situations that are at times not the most enjoyable or entertaining. She truly is magnificent.

My husband is wonderful, he's been working a lot of overtime and it's starting to wear him down I think so I fixed a nice quiet easy going lazy sun. for him. He's napping peacefully.

I've been thinking about a new carer. My current position will be expiring shortly and I have decided to use this opportunity to go out on a limb, and try something new I am hoping for good results and I think I can favor my odds by being a wee bit prepared. Not as prepared as the average college graduate, however I can give myself a bit more of a chance I think. I have great people skills (nothing like crazy parents to teach how to deal with crazy lol) and I have an awesome work ethic. I'm loyal and I'm reliable. I come to work on time I'm always some what flexible on hours, I volunteer for jobs that are above and beyond the call of duty. I think surely these small accomplishments must mean something....surely....something. Any way.

The only other think going on right now is my head it hurts and I think it's a sinus infection. So I have an elephant..... sitting on my head and he hurts.....and he keeps dropping peanut shells in my hair....he does have some great jokes though and he is pretty up to date on his Hollywood gossip. Omg! my sinus medicine must be kicking in I better go Till next time!

Excitement!!

So It's Monday after the honeymoon, and running around and wedding nonsense. I don't think I realized how stressed out I really was, I mean I was holding my own and doing what needed to be done and no one ended up dead so It couldn't have been that bad. Even so today I felt relieved and I was in a terrific mood! I was uber stoked to get to see my kids, I missed them even more than I realized. I was excited to hang out with them and hear about their vacation. It was kinda a shitty morning and still it didn't damper my mood, I am in love happy, married and I have a wonderful family I adore! It just feels like the stress of the last few months has not only lifted but is gone for awhile. There are still things to be stressed about, don't get me wrong, but I seem to be handling it all so much better, taking it all in stride more.

We had an amazing honeymoon, I'm not sure how exactly honeymoon's are supposed to go, this one was my first. However it was perfect, in my opinion. We had an amazingly romantic dinner, it cost a fortune, but it was beautiful and so super romantic. The mountains were just as majestic as I have always dreamed. Our cabin was even better than we expected and I can still sitting here now remember the way it felt to walk in that first night and be surprised very pleasantly surprised at how wonderful everything was.

We got back just in time to spend old settlers with Shy which was totally a bonus for us. We missed her so much and I am thrilled to report she missed us to. All in all it was perfect the wedding (even with the rain), the honeymoon, my new husband everything was just as good as I could have hoped and in most cases even better. Here are a few pics of the honeymoon, were still gathering all the pics from the wedding, but there are a few here!

The night before

Okay so it's the night before and I've gotta make the thank you signs and thats it....thats all it's done I am soo uber excited I can't even begin to explain. I'm madly in love and getting married I can't wait! Whooo-hooo did I mention I was excited.....I can't believe it will all be over tomorrow! Wow....six months went by really fast!! I'll blog while were on the honeymoon if I get a chance if not I'll fill everyone in when we get back!

Anticipation!

Whoooooooooo! It's Thursday night, and I am so overwhelmed....in a good way! I am having so many emotions....I can't seem to follow a thought completely through without getting lost in a new one. I know most of it is anticipation I just.....well honestly it's been a long time since I was this excited and eager about something....It seemed so far away for so long I just keep thinking there's something I forgot or something I'm not doing that I need to. I want to know it was good.....no matter who tells you it was good I just want to know for myself. I'm totally doing all the last minuet little things, tomorrow my girl and I are making a day of it. Chet's working. By tomorrow night there will be nothing to do but get our hair done and dress.....and of course get married! Then the real downtime begins....it will be time to breath relax and just be in love for a week or so.... any way I gotta get back to helping everyone's helping clean up the house tonight so It's one less thing I have to do tomorrow.

Wut???

okay I have apparently created 2 blogs now hahahaha typical Me! Any who I took off the pics of the bachelorette party, but never fear I'll put'em back and in a cool slide show thing to.

So it's the week of the wedding Whoo-Hoo! I can't even begin to try to describe my feelings at this point....the only obvious word seems to be "positive" I am totally positive about everything....the wedding is gonna be great the honeymoon's gonna be great....hell I even think the marriage is gonna be great! We have made huge efforts in the last couple of weeks to remove all the negative drama, feelings, and....well just the negative from our lives and it finally feels like we have done it. It feels as if a weight has been lifted from us....as if the grey clouds have been blown away by the wind and replaced by the glorious sun! It's just so wonderful to be completely happy and excited about this amazingly beautiful experience were having.

I am thrilled to report we are ready and eagerly awaiting the arrival of the day....and that's no small fete considering the drama and just plain b.s. that has been shoved at us in the last few months. I am super proud of us as well. We planned, payed for and will execute a beautiful wedding with little to no support from friends or family....there was no extra money from family, almost no outside help with preparations from friends....we did it.....we decided we wanted this and we went after it and we made it happen. I'm starting to believe we can do anything. Even faced with incidents that could have ruined or at the very least put a huge damper on our special occasion, we managed to cling to each other ride out the storm and still have this amazingly positive energy to pull us through to the last. I consider it a testament to our love and ability to overcome all things as long as we have our little family. Don't misunderstand the casualty list is long, loved one's were lost, bridges were burned, and feelings have been hurt beyond repair, but we can rest easy knowing we did what was right for us and we are not responsible for other peoples actions or choices.

I know for myself personally I will try to choose the people in my inner circle alot more carefully and I will not be so trusting, or eager to cater to someone else's feelings again. It's dangerous to let people to far into you....you never really know if they can be trusted.....until that one moment comes, and you have to see who they really are and what their really made of....the disappointment can be devastating as I have learned (the hard way) recently. I am thank full for the time I did have and for the memories I will forever cherish and keep. A good friend of mine says "people come in and out of our lives for a reason....we take and give things to/from these people and they move on....or we do, but everyone has left a mark no matter how small or great on us, and us on them. The trick is to try to make as much of the experience as positive as possible, no matter how difficult that may seem" I'm not sure I did that this time, but I did the best I could and will forever know that no matter what will or has happened I did take things and leave things and I learned things. One of my favorite quotes is "Beginnings are usually scary....endings are usually sad, but it's whats in the middle that counts." That I think is so very true. So here's to the endings (hopefully their done for awhile) and to all the beginnings (which are happening all the time) bring on the new people and let keep L-I-V-I-N!!

Just an update

Okay so after the immense drama over the last two weeks, I am thrilled to report, the bachelorette party was a complete success! It was so much fun, I think we all had a great time. I know I did. It seems to me the closer we get to the wedding the more people around me are disappointing. I take comfort in the fact that I am marrying a man I know I can count on.

Anyway like I said the party was amazing everything from liquor to good looking guys to bulls to great food it was so perfect! All thanks to my girl Ashley, your the best! I think were almost ready for the wedding just a few little things left to do, most of which will be done the day before. It's gonna be "perfect" contrary to popular belief. No matter what happens this week I refuse to let anything or anyone put a damper on the day. After all "It's my special fucking day, and I'm a pretty fucking princess." Chet said he had a great time at his as well it was the same night as mine.

I am really getting excited about everything. The honeymoon is gonna be amazing and hopefully relaxing as well. The dress is perfect! Yay Ronda!

We had mall madness this weekend and it was amazing! The sales, the people the games the fun the food we really had a great time! The girls finally fell asleep about 30 mins before we left and were crazy grouchy, but all in all it was a blast and a must do next year!