Comment for thought!

A very good friend of mine called me the other week, we don't ever see each other and we rarely talk, but she saw something on my myspace and it peaked her interest enough to call me. She asked me how I was, asked about the wedding, she was out of the country for her anniversary and was unable to attend, and she asked me about my comment on my myspace. My comment simply says I am about to make a life altering change. I explained what it meant and she made a comment to me that I have been processing and rolling over in my head for days. It may very well be the truest statement I have ever heard about myself. While explaining my comment, I stated "I was scared and seemed to once again be in a place in my life where good friends were extremely rare and very limited, and so I was once again left with no one but my wonderful husband to seek advice from and vent to", I went on to berate myself on my lack of ability to see people for who and what they are instead of what I needed or wanted them to be. My friend laughed....laughed....at first I was offended, I mean I am at a really low point in my life as far as friends go, and I am truly saddened and hurt by this....after all I am a girl and friends are as important to me as they are to any girl....oh the joy of shopping, gossiping, having coffee, having lunch, discussing husbands, children....these are all things I have been robbed of lately. I was needless to say hurt when she giggled innocently at my vexed state of emotion....then it happened and while I didn't take much heed into her statement at the time as I stated I have pondered it for days. She said "Monica have you ever noticed whenever you make a life altering change you never have friends." It was my turn to laugh....I said that's not true and changed the subject to when she was gonna have another baby. We talked for an hour or so, it was nap time that's what made the exchange possible, and when we had sufficiently caught up on each other's lives we said good bye and I knew instinctively it would be months before we talked again and I'm sure it will be.

Then as if she had, as Dane Cook would say, placed a bomb in the back of my brain somewhere, I began to think and think hard about her comment. I thought back to my childhood and leaving my adoptive parents, I didn't have any friends, not at school, not in the trailer park we lived in, it was just me and my sister. Then I thought about when I left my parents house, I didn't have any friends then either, just my ex-husband. Then I remembered when Shy was born, I didn't have any friends at that time as well, there was no one to call and be excited for me and tell me congrats. Then my thoughts rambled to my divorce, once again no friends, there was no one to cry to, no one to vent to, no one to give me advice and tell me I wasn't going crazy and that everything would be ok. I had Chet through the divorce, and don't get me wrong he was amazing, he was my life raft, he was my man though not a friend. My thoughts then took me to the most recent life changing event, my wedding, once again no friends. The more I thought and dissected this innocent comment made by some one who has known me a very long time the more I wanted to prove it wrong, however as I have just shown.....no luck.....she was right. So being the over thinking introspective, philosophizing person that I am I began immediately, after admitting it was true, wanting to know...... why?

Why would I possibly only make life altering choices and changes when no one is around....why do I always pick friends who are selfish and hypocritical, and judgmental....Why do life changing experiences only happen when I have so very few people around to share them with me..... I have always said and I maintain I am the strongest woman I know, I am not conceited I know there are stronger women out there in the world....I just don't know them. My life as of late, I have to admit, has been lack of truly difficult and trying times, is it perhaps the universes way of making sure I'm still as strong as I think I am? I have for years idolized shows that revolve around a group of women being truly great friends, they laugh, cry, and yell together, they manage somehow to fight and still remain friends....it has always been one of my greatest, yet least know, dreams and goal to have those kind of friendships. When I was in my teens I simply told myself that was something that would come when I was older. When I was in my 20's I told myself I would make those connections when the time was right. Now however, I'm in my not 20's any more and still those precious and so wanted female relationships are not there. Did I miss the window....was I looking the wrong way....did I let the truly great life lasting female bonding relationships slip away and hold onto the less worthy shitty ones?

I seem to ponder this "friends" question alot, in all kinds of forms. I am very perplexed and somewhat confounded by the whole thing. And I am most disturbed to discover that my friend was right. As I prepare myself for yet another life altering change, and a large one at that I must admit to myself however reluctantly, I would love to have a great group of friends around me now....I would love to be able to hear their opinions and perhaps get their advice....I also have to admit however that I will not "settle" I love myself more than any one every could I accept myself for exactly who I am and I will take nothing less from anyone who calls themselves my friend. It would appear that my "sex in the city" relationships are still no where to be found....maybe....just maybe....in my 30's.