Our Christmas story!

It's Christmas day!
I have to say it has truly been one of the best I have ever had! I think it's also the best Christmas we have had as a family! It was a wonderful day from beginning. I got up earlier than my daughter! I had to pee, but I was also just to excited to hold myself in bed any longer. I was excited because I knew I had nailed the presents this year, I was also totally stoked about fondue. It is a new tradition for our family. Apparently it's something BigDaddy used to always do with his family, so he decided it would become a new tradition for us. I borrowed a deep fat fryer from my darling friend A so we could do the cooking (I didn't think it would be that fun so I didn't want to invest in one for ourselves) needless to say it was really fun! So now I gotta buy us a deep fat fryer! I love the meatballs, the fried onions were really good too. So as I was saying I got up way to early and started to get around the house getting the fire stoked up and picking up the blankets left out from the late night before, moving furniture for the family pic I was hell bent on getting in front of the tree with all the dogs and the fireplace! I totally did it and it's really cute!
About 20 mins after I got up BigDaddy got up and we started to get around. He let the dogs out and put the coffee on! Then he let the big dog wake Shy up! After some cinnamon rolls, a couple cigarettes, the family picture and devising a way to keep the big dog out of the living room while the chaos ensued, we got down to the really good business at hand.
Something you gotta know about our BigDaddy....he runs Christmas like a boot camp! He really has the best of intentions, however he plays "Santa" so he decides who opens what and when....we have a pretty long span of time in the middle where it's just Shy opening presents, but I like it that way....I can ask her if she really likes it and get a true answer and the best part of gift giving I get to see her reaction!! My favorite thing in the world is totally selfish I love to see people's reaction to any gift I give them. So after all the presents had been opened and we were all quiet just kinda playing with our new "toys". BigDaddy was opening his 206 piece tool set for about 45mins! Shy and I had spent an entire afternoon wrapping all the pieces individually! So it was with a great deal of pleasure I watched him unwrap and put it all together! I was playing with my new digital frame. Waiting very impatiently for my new laptop to finish charging up and Shy was playing with her new talking journal and talking non-stop! It truly was an absolutely perfect Christmas!
As I write this BigDaddy is still playing with his new i-pod....loading his music and whatever else on it! I am living the dream the sitting on the couch watching "A Christmas Story" while blogging! I just know it's gonna be an amazing weekend! All our appreciation and love to the Lord and Lady for all the truly wondrous blessings they have seen fit to bestow upon us this festive holiday season!
I hope you are all well!
Blessed Be!

On my birthday.

It's my birthday, and like always on my birthday, my mother comes to mind. I don't know if it's normal, but I know it's what always happens to me on this day. I wonder if she thinks of it. I wonder if she wakes up in the morning and goes about her morning routine, then looks at her calender or computer or phone, and realizes what day it is. I wonder if she reminisces about what happened 32 years ago today. I wonder if she remembers how scared she was, how young she was, how ignorant she was. I wonder if she remembers the time, weight, length, color, and general look of me. I wonder if she remembers the fight over my name. I wonder if she thinks back and remembers my grandmother being the first to hold me, much to her disgust as I heard it, I wonder if she remembers that I was the first. The first of four. I wonder if she gets sad and thinks about who I am and where I am, if she regrets any of her choices that led her to miss my birthdays. I wonder if she could go back in time and change things if she would.

Would she still have me? Would she still choose him? Would she still have given me up? Would she still have cast me away? Would she still have kept me no closer than arms length? I wonder if she ever felt as I do as a mother. I wonder what she must have thought when she held me for the first time. I wonder if she cried when I was born. I wonder.....who she was then....and if I will ever know who she has been at any time in her life. My mother is 18 years older than me. There was a time in my life when 18 years seemed like a lifetime. Now, though it doesn't seem that far away from me. My mother said she was proud of me two times in my life, the most important of these was when I turned 18, she said she was proud because when she turned 18 she had me. She said she was proud because I had not made the same mistakes.

I have indeed lived most of my life, as I believe most women do, trying to become something so far from anything my mother ever was. I wonder if I did it. I have craved a deep female bond with women my entire life, one that has eluded me, I blame this insatiable need on her. Perhaps if she had bonded with me I wouldn't crave it so much. I have tried for this most glamorous (in my mind anyway) relationship so many times and have failed miserably, I have resigned myself to wait until my daughter is old enough to have that bond with her. On this day so much more than others I think of my mother....my weak, ignorant, stupid, petty, beaten down, spiritless, meek, unhappy, confused, taken for granted mother. I am none of these things....I hope.....I have become a strong, intelligent, independent, happy, aware, loved and cherished woman.

I believe I have become who my mother should have been. I fear only weak women can grow, these kinds of women, I fear my daughter will be weak. I fear all the strength of all the women from so many generations back has all accumulated into me as one person, I hope I give my daughter this strength, of mind, spirit, body, and constitution. I wonder if my mother misses me. I wonder if she still worries about me, if she still stops on cool fall afternoons and whispers my name in the air. I wonder if she tears up at the thought that she will never truly know the woman I have become, or if she believes no matter what I will be alright, and comforts herself with this belief. I tear up knowing I will never know the woman she was, is or will be. I wonder if she knows she had more to do with the woman I am today than she realizes. I wonder if she knows and takes comfort in the fact that I am the woman I am. I wonder if she always knew I would be leaving, if she always knew in that strange magical way mothers do, that I was a shooting star in her life, that I would only be hers and with her for a short while. Yes, on this day more than any other, I think about my mother, my beautiful, innocent, hurt, disregarded, gentle, elegant mother.

I wonder.....I wonder if she wonders about me.

How we've been!

Whew....to say it's been a bit busy lately would be an understatement. We have litterally been running every which way for months now! Let me see if I can put it all together and catch everyone up
Ok, so the move began on August 9th....I know this exact date because it was our wedding anniversary, and we got the keys to our new house that same sunday! I was uber excited that the two dates were the same it just helps make the celebration of both simpler and convienent. I am truly thankful we made it through the move. There was a few times when dh and I were at each other's throats I got kinda worried we weren't gonna make it out alive! However I am happy to report we are back to good....better than good were, believe it or not, even happier than we were before the move! Nothing like a small family disastrous event that ends in a happy ending to put everything back into perspective!

So once the move was behind us and the worst thing looming was the unpacking....which by the way I have still not technically finished....Life began to take a new and exciting twist! It seemed before we moved that we didn't have much of a social life. Well we did we just didn't commit to it! When we moved into the new house I told the dh I wanted to turn over a couple of new leaves....I really don't understand what that means, but I said it anyway. I told him I wanted to keep the house cleaner, I told him I wanted to become more spiritual, I wanted to have more game nights with dd, I wanted to be more socially active, I wanted to keep in better contact with our friends, I wanted to go out more, basically I wanted to improve our quality of life and try to enjoy it more, put into action the "work hard play hard" moto.

Even now sitting here, I'm unsure of what action we might have taken to put any of this into effect, perhaps just saying it's what we wanted was enough just that little bit put into the universe was all we needed to make the "new leaves" turn over. Perhaps it is this house which I have always claimed has such a comfortable inviting, warm homey feel to it, either way things began to happen. We had more visitors the first week we were moving in than we did the entire time we lived at the other house. We have some guests we expected some we were just to eager to wait to show and some that were a surprise even to us. It's not just that they visited it was the time spent and the feeling while they were here. We have also meet some really wonderful new friends as of late....some we made just before we moved some we have made since we moved. Some we met before, but have become closer with since! We have reinforced strong relationships to make them stronger as well.

I have put forth massive effort and our house, although not always "spotless" per say is consistently visitor ready. I am never more than a quick 5 min pickup away from having things in a non embarassing order. That has been wonderful for everyone's mood and continuing enthusiasm and excitement about the house! I have also noticed an obvious effort on the part of my family to assist me in the day to day maintenance of the house...I can't begin to tell you how wonderful that has been for me.

We have made wonderful strides in our spirituality learning and working more and better towards making it a part of everyday life. We have purchased new games and spend most sunday's watching movies with dd and playing games. dh and dd have started a new tradition of going to breakfast just the two of them on Sat morning. DD's grades seem to be pretty well so far...she is a kid and has already tried to pull a few things, but she is a kid and this is to be expected. We have had something going on almost every Sat, but we seem to always make it back to normal by Sat night...though sometimes late at night....and Sun's have become an almost family day!

We talk and see our friends more and we I feel are truly forging those strong bonds we will carry for the rest of our lives.

To say the last few months have been positive, uplifting, prospurous, sucessful, and joyful for our whole family is a gross understatement. It has truly been a shower of blessings and Wonderous happiness!

We are still in our busy season what with v-ball, Girl Scouts,dh's out of town work, school, and everyday adventures. However it has been a blessing all of it! I can't wait to see what's in store for us next!

Be well everyone!

A reminder!

I have always had the bad habit of stashing little must-keeps in my drawers....usually my unmentionables drawer....It's a habit I must now let go of as I will no longer have a dresser to myself and am sharing with Chet....So today while I was emptying what was my dresser to hang up everything that could be I found so many little things that had been stashed away for quite awhile....I have moved this dresser twice and neither time did I clean it out just moved it with drawers and all...I found little pencil drawings from shy when she was little...I found my Cher ticket stub...I found letter's from my sister....and a small spiral notebook...I didn't recognize it at first, but as I got to looking at it I realized, or remembered it was the notebook Chet was writing in when our relationship first began...I make no denial about the fact that ours was not a fairy tale begining...however...no matter the details of the start of our love affair....to read it from his point of view after all this time...made my heart pitter....I was transported back to that time...it was chaotic...and somehow...with all the madness....there was an overwhelming sense of love and joy between us....I would never have guessed where we are now if I had been asked then to make a prediction...but we have been so blessed....truly with the love we have and share...with the love we have as a family unit...in every shape of our lives we have always been taken care of my an unseen force that has always been at bat for us....this force has always made what we needed and wanted possible and has always kept a protective hand on us....guiding us in the direction we need to go to complete our goals and dreams....I only hope we do this force justice in return and continuously send love joy and positivity back into the universe....I hope this force stays with us for the rest of our lives...maybe not always to bat or protect....hopefully sometimes just to watch and enjoy....I hope we never take for granted the blessings we have been given or where we have come from....I hope the love that brought us to where we are is always there and stronger with each day....this I hope for our family.

To self-doubt or not to self-doubt.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you think your all for something you give the go ahead, you think you have thought of all the pro's and con's and you are game for the outcome....but self doubt is just wearing on you....like you make yourself paraoid....to the point of possible talking yourself out of the situation altogether. I think I may be one of my own worst enemies....I internalize to the point that I could rationalize almost anything to myself....sometimes however it turns out my self doubt was just what I needed and my constant self-nit picking was just what I needed to make what ended up being the right choice or decision all along.....other things I have experienced....well I didn't experience them, I talked myself out of them and I still to this day don't know how it would have turned out.


Though self doubt has with out a doubt it's place and necessity....Is being my own worst critic, a self protectiveness or a way for me to always have an excuse to not try something I can't always control?

Thank you is not enough.

Well we have finally moved into the new house....almost....we still have a few things to get moved, but for the most part we are here....to say this experience has been a thrilling blessing is an understatement....with the largest of the blessings coming from those we are buying the house from.....T and J have done nothing short of handed us a personal miracle...they have been more than just kind they have been....amazingly wonderful....they have personally seen to it that we could make this little (and to some unimportant) dream come true. To simply say to them thank you does not seem like enough....I hope they know the good and gracious things they have done as of late are so much more appreciated than they will likely ever know....and the positive karma will I hope enrich their lives as it has ours. I hope for them always to feel as blessed and fortunate as we do....Thank you....for so many things....none of which are small or trivial....Thank you....though maybe not enough...Thank you!

Girl Scout Meltdown Story!

Okay so here's my latest meltdown story....

So a couple of months ago my co-leader and I sat our troop down and offered them 3 choices for summer camp this year....after much debate discussion, and many many many questions they decided on one. I talked to all the parent's about financial aid as I always do, however with the economy being in the state it currently is I knew this year more people than ever would be needing the aid, so I sent the apps in a month before the camp was to start. Ridiculously thinking that would surely be enough time to get approval and registration done. Our original camp date was the first week of June, I had several conversations with the Representative at the council about when the app's would be done and I could get the girls registered. Keep in mind there are limited spaces for camp so I wanted to get the girls registered as quickly as possible to ensure availability. I was told on two different occasions, that the apps would be complete the following week....on both occasions the app's were not finished as promised....in fact the apps were not complete before the June camp date came....I was frantic thinking the girls had lost the chance to go to camp....so the Representative and I changed the camp date for the girls to a July date. The app's were finally finished and the girls were registered for camp as of June 1st. I have called at least once a week every week for a month asking for a supplies list and schedule. Camp is this coming Monday. I have 2 parent's who received letters of supplies and schedules. One received it last Monday, and one received it yesterday! I and 3 other parent's never received any notification. So basically the Girl Scouts gave 4 sets of parent's 48hrs....on a holiday weekend to get everything their child needed for camp....some of the parent's have older children that have gone to camp, and have most of the supplies....well....one parent does....for the rest of us, we spent all day yesterday and today scrambling to put all the supplies together for our girls. Consequentially I copied and rushed 3 supply lists all over town yesterday and then made a frantic dash to wal-mart and a few other stores to get my girl ready for camp. To say this entire process has been frustrating is an understatement....I am appalled at the way my girls and parent's have been treated. I have two girls who are leaving the troop because of this camp fiasco, and one who's parents took her out of camp completely due to the fact they are out of town and had no way to get the required supplies.....she has since put her child back into the camp....so my girl is all packed and excited and ready for camp....by gods she better have good time.

That is my Girl Scout Meltdown story!

It's been awhile

Wow I haven't blogged in forever and a day....of course I'm blogging now because I have been left alone with my thoughts....as we all know that is never a totally safe thing...Wow there has been so much going on...I hardly know where to start. Ok.....let's see....Well, BigDaddy has been working out of town for a while now...I think a month....um....yeah I think a month. Anywho...that sux and I mean I love my man for being one of those men who provides for his family, and well....I just miss him like crazy! We've been making the best of it...he come's home on weekends, so we are alot luckier than some husbands and wives....(may the gods bless all the soldiers and their families)....It's hard when your husband is your best friend...not because you have no friends.....just because you prefer him to almost any other human being on the planet! So this week BigDaddy didn't even get to come home for the weekend....his big boss informed his foreman that they were to stay there until the job was done...so hopefully..... he will be home next weekend.

Shy has been a joy as always....she is going through this new phase though....everything is a question or is meant to be questioned....EVERYTHING....and I do mean everything....true examples from the last couple of days....
Shy:"Mom what are you doing?"
Mom:"Reading my magazine, did you need something?"
Shy:"No I was just wandering what you were doing in here by yourself."
Mom:"Ok well, now you know. Did you want to come get a book and read with me?"
Shy:"Yeah...mom what is this for (lifting up a perfume bottle)?"
Mom:"It's so I smell good." (mom goes back to reading)
Shy:"How do they make it?"
Mom:"I don't know remind me later and we'll google it!" (mom goes back to reading)
Shy:"What is this?"
Mom:(looking up from her magazine again)"It's make-up."
Shy:"This is make-up....What kind of make-up?"
Mom:"It's foundation I put it on before anything else to make my skin look good."
Shy:"Why?"
Mom:"I guess I just want to look my best."
Shy:"Why?"
Mom:"I don't know I guess I'm vain."

Now keep in mind by this time I'm really just wanting to get back to my reading, so I make the mistake of answering a question with a word my daughter may or may not understand hence my mistake....I left the door open to yet another question....I will spare you the rest of this conversation just know I have yet to finish reading that article, and the conversation lasted at least another 20 mins.

I dropped her off with her dad today...I've called her once since I dropped her off, but I've been dying to talk to her all day....silly mom! Though the quiet is nice....I totally miss my girl like crazy!


Finally me....I'm doing great I'm missing my family, but I'm totally not taking them for granted either, absence has that effect! I am packing....still....not as aggressively as I once was, but I am still pluggin away at it....I cannot wait to be done with the move settled in and enjoying our new house....well new to us!! we still have a ton of stuff to do before the move actually takes place....and it looks like BigDaddy will be out of town working....again during the move, but once it is all done....the complete and utter joy of it all being done will wash over me like waves of absolute satisfaction! I'm pretty excited! Shy has camp in July...Girl Scout that is....volley-ball camp was earlier this month...I took some awesome pics that I can't wait to scrap....after the move....my scrap supplies are all packed away....for now....after the move I will have an entire scrap room....not just a space or an area....an entire room....color me tickled pink! Anywho...so this year at G.S. camp Shy will be going by herself....it will be the first time she's been to overnight camp....I am a little freaked out, but being an admitted overly protected and overbearing mother I think it will be good for her....and me....a reluctant me, but yes me as well. We also have Shy's birthday and Mall madness the same day....Shy's birthday theme will be flip-flop's this year....I have all kinds of flip-flop related arts and crafts and giveaways....all to be done while were locked in the mall!! I'm really excited last year at mall madness, we discovered it was the perfect opportunity to get an entire new school and fall wardrobe....the sales are incredible...they get to get rid of stock and we get to cash in....most of the clothes are fall, or summer....but I think that's perfect...we usually buy everything a bit big and Shy is still wearing this summer clothes we bought her at mall madness last summer....Of course their will also be the crafts projects I have for the girls to do and cake....I am nixing the ice-cream, but I am planning of having a 3 tierd....wedding cake style cake...should be fabulous!


Well I think that pretty much catches everyone up on all our going's on....we'll talk to you all soon...Blessed BE!

Change.....

I was talking to a very young friend tonight when I found myself admitting something to her...I hate change...I told her....I am better at it 'cuse I'm older and unfortunately increase in age is the cause of much change....but I still hate it...now don't misunderstand...I appreciate change...I understand it....hell I've even asked for it....yearned for it....implored it to come....yet it always seems it's a long time into the new before I get my feet back in a comfortable place....before my level of confidence is fully restored. After our talk I began to think....nay....ponder this query....why am I so totally wanton of change yet still so fearful of it.... is this something we grow out of in time or is this a personality trait like....always being the class clown or being a rejection junkie....I wander if the changes in my life have been more toward the negative than the positive....perhaps that's why I am still so uneasy about it. For instance I have had a book in my head since I was in my twenties....now although I have always had superior maturity to my peers of age....even I didn't have the stability to actually write it in my twenties....this book has come up again and again lately....I've had dreams about it...I have daydreamed and seen myself writing it....I know I have the talent to write it I know if I did it well it would go somewhere....at least that's what I tell myself....so why haven't I done it...I'm scared when I write it...well what if it's all that's kept my head full all these years...what will happen to my inner thoughts when the story is actually out on paper and not inside me anymore...I have turned to this memoir for everything from something to do when I'm in the line at the grocery store to using it as a mental sanctuary during times of horror. Even as I write this blog entry I know it sounds nuts and a weak reason but it's simply just the idea of change. A change of internal thought. Oh I don't know. I'm at this time in my life once again hoping for change...once again imploring it to come into being....maybe....just maybe....this time I won't have as long an adjustment time as I have had in the past....maybe...hopefully!

Our Wonderful Day!

Oh we had such a wonderful day! We started by going shopping....what great day doesn't begin this way! We got Shy a new swim suit...It's too adorable....and very patriotic I might add....she also got three really great outfits! In large part to BigDaddy who was working the floor while I handled the dressing room....after doing things like shopping for her clothes and swimsuits by myself for so long I had never realized how wonderful it could be to have help....anyone who knows me knows I am not one of those...spend all day in the store or five different stores finding three really great outfits...kinda girl. I am much happier going in getting lucky and getting out. Today was a dream shopping trip for me...she choose three suits we tried them all on and told her to pick her favorite...it literally took 15mins to get the suit...Whoo Hoo...then she tried on three pairs of pants so we knew what size to go after and away we went a quick stop on the way out for a new pair of flip flops to match the new suit...a summer must have...and we were on our way!! Voila...my idea of a perfect and successful shopping trip!

Then my part of the day....for Easter this year we got Shy a gift card for a pedi and mani...one of her most favorite activities in the world...however she was grounded on Easter and for weeks afterward...part of the now infamous...we can walk anywhere we want to even if we were told no and no one knows were going or where were going incident....the first weekend she was ungrounded she was with her father and the next weekend J came and stayed for the weekend, so we finally got to it this weekend....It was amazing I just love my ultimate pedi....the massage chair, the warm water, my mp3 in my ear, the massage, the hot rocks, the warm towel, the scratchy rubby stuff, the exotic and intoxicating smell of the lotions, the finale of the uber cute toes...ahhhh I can not tell you how happy this simply yet luxurious act makes me feel...I believe pedi's are proof the Goddess loves us and wants us to be happy. Shy was right next to me getting her pedi on as well she was sooo cute she kept looking over at me and then laying her head back and closing her eyes....she was really getting into it...I love that my girl knows these kind of small yet wonderful little pleasures of life....her future husband in screwed!

Then our nails I went with a totally unlike me color and I am quite happy with it! BigDaddy described it as too bubble gum like for me....it's not bubble gum color it's darker but it is a bit lighter than I usually go...my usual is black...so I was thrilled that I liked the way it looked. I have been doing my nails so long I see it more as maintenance than a sheer joy but when Shy is with me her excitement is catching...so even simple maintenance was relaxing and joyful today.

After our spa session we headed off to spend some attention on BigDaddy who can be even worse to shop for than Shy. Unlike the norm this also went really well and in about 30mins we were out the door. We got home after visiting some friends. Shy was quite bored and asked me to play a game with her....a Hannah Montana CD game. I being the attentive and fun loving mom that I am agreed....so after I did some quick updates on my many blogs and scrap sites, I sat down and began the game before this thing was over I was dancing to Hannah Montana music like I was a ballerina, singing Hannah Montana with Shy as a duet as loud as possible and acting out words such as paparazzi and band! Shy was thrilled and I am never above making myself look like an ass to impress my kid! We had a wonderful dinner....discussing our days and the upcoming inevitable leaving of BigDaddy. Then decided we would start a game of Monopoly on Sun. that should take us through Mon.

So all in all it really was an incredibly wonderful day...while Shy nor I are looking forward to BigDaddy being gone I'm glad were a strong enough family unit that we make the most of the time we have. Even though all is not rosy all the time days like today remind me to keep loving, laughing, singing, and cherishing this most precious of all our many blessings....Each Other!

The last day.

It's the last day of school and while I don't get upset and cry about it, I do get somewhat sentimental and mushy. The last day that means another year has gone by. That means Summer is here, it's time for trips to the pool, weekends at the lake, volleyball camp, volleyball, Girl Scout camp, mall madness, Shy's birthday and a tentatively planned family vacation. I look back at the friends she's had since kindergarten, the new one's she made this year. The strides and bounds she made with her grades. She fabulous school pictures. I get kinda sad. I have always been told that once they start school the time just flies by. It has. I can remember her first day of preschool. I remember her excitement over learning to tie her shoes the summer before kindergarten. How much we have appreciated the teachers she's been blessed enough to have. How much she has matured and grown in the last year. It's over, a whole other year....gone with wind....I remember her first day of school this year. The fights over homework and spelling words. The peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I've made for every field trip. The groundings as she tried to spread her wings, sometimes a little to far. The arguments over what she couldn't wear. The class projects we were up till midnight helping her get ready for. It's the last day.

She walked out of the house this morning armed with her usual last day supplies. A cheap disposable camera, so she can take pics of whatever and whoever she wants....scrap media for the summer. She also had a bottle of chocolate fudge in her hand. Her teacher is serving ice cream today and invited the kids to bring a topping. I can remember she learned she didn't like pizza day in the cafeteria. I can remember it's the first year she didn't have to be moved seats because she was constantly talking to her neighbor. She learned who Rosa Parks was. She learned what "Gay" means. She learned if you take off walking from a friends house after you've been told no, you will sit in your room and read for a month. She learned to like reading. She learned it's ok if mommy and Big Daddy fight sometimes....no one's gonna leave. She learned....so much.

I do get sentimental. Every last day brings her closer to the end of her school career. It brings her closer to the day when she'll leave and not come back for a long time....perhaps ever, other than for visits. I have watched the year in fast forward. I have watched her prove she can not only do well, but she can exceed expectations. I have watched her fall in "like" with 3 different boys this year and learn to deal when one of them "liked" a friend of hers. She had to deal with friends lying to and about her this year. I watched her handle these "friends" with grace, fairness, and forgiveness. Last year people started telling me how much her personality was coming out, how she seemed to be coming out of her shell and maturing. I'm ashamed to say I didn't notice it till it was pointed out. I see it now. I see her sense of style coming into being. I see her learn to combine her sense of style with what I am willing to allow. I've seen her and Big Daddy come to love each other over the course of the last year even more than before. I've seen her see her father for what he really is and while she didn't have the heart to tell him herself she did have the intelligence to know she had to tell us what was hurting and making her so angry.

My darling girl this is the last day of school. It's the 5th last day of school we've been through. This one seems somehow to be turning point. like your shaking off the last bit of down and growing into the feathers you will someday use to fly away with. Next year the school politics will be even more dramatic and dire. You will have perhaps just one or two "boyfriends" and they will be oh so serious. You will begin to choose friends who are more like you, you may even loose one's you have had up to this point. I am so proud of you. I'm proud of your strength, courage, fairness, forgiveness, beauty, intelligence. You make me proud to be blessed enough to call myself your mother. Have a wonderful last day, enjoy, their will be more to come and with them first days. I love you.

In my next life.

In my next life....I will be less serious
In my next life....I will talk less and listen more
In my next life....I will have more children
In my next life....I will not settle for less than I want
In my next life....I will not be a product of my environment
In my next life....I will allow myself to hate with good reason
In my next life....I will work harder to keep my friendships good
In my next life....I will not make judgments on other people
In my next life....I will be more intellectual
In my next life....I will be more involved
In my next life....I will watch the news
In my next life....I will be an outside girl
In my next life....I will be more forgiving
In my next life....I will sing karaoke
In my next life....I will write a bestselling novel
In my next life....I will wear high heels a lot
In my next life....I will be a photographer
In my next life....I will be a world traveler
In my next life....I will still be in love with my husband
In my next life....I will still have my daughter as my first born
In my next life....I will keep in better touch with my family
In my next life....I will be a protector for all things unprotected
In my next life....I will be nicer
In my next life....I will live somewhere tropical...at least sometimes
In my next life....I will be tanner
In my next life....I will be thinner
In my next life....I will be more there

My Quiz results

You Are a Marilyn!




You are a Marilyn -- "I am affectionate and skeptical."


Marilyns are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.







How to Get Along with Me
* Be direct and clear
* Listen to me carefully
* Don't judge me for my anxiety
* Work things through with me
* Reassure me that everything is OK between us
* Laugh and make jokes with me
* Gently push me toward new experiences
* Try not to overreact to my overreacting.




What I Like About Being a Marilyn
* being committed and faithful to family and friends
* being responsible and hardworking
* being compassionate toward others
* having intellect and wit
* being a nonconformist
* confronting danger bravely
* being direct and assertive




What's Hard About Being a Marilyn
* the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind
* procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself
* fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of
* exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger
* wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right
* being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations




Marilyns as Children Often
* are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn
* are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger
* form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent
* look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel
* are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent




Marilyns as Parents
* are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty
* are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence
* worry more than most that their children will get hurt
* sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

Pics from the weekend!

Ewwww!!

I hate mean people....now don't misunderstand.....everyone can be mean I know...even me. I'm talking about those people who continuously make a point to be mean at any and every given opportunity. It's like they forgot simple honest manners....you know the little things like "thank you" and "please"....I for one believe when the little things are forgotten the bigger more important things are all but forgotten. For instance if someone never says "please" or "thank you" or "excuse me" what are the chances this person is gonna pull over after an accident and make sure you don't need a phone call made. Though it's been happening for a long time in our country I'm not only not used to it, but I refuse to become used to it. Weather in a position of dealing with customers or just out on the loose without adult supervision, humans as a whole should be taught simple and basic manners. I don't expect the world to act as if were all guests at the queen of England's dinner table, but would it kill people to show a little "nice". Because Nice Matters People it really does. Would it be so painful for some of these arrogant ass's to smile or hold a door or let an opportunity to be rude to someone pass them by without action. I mean come on people most of our mothers would be appalled if they knew we behaved that way. Although, I'm sure some of you learned the behavior from your mothers, do you really wanna pass those bad habits on to your children?

Maybe you do, maybe you see nothing wrong with your inconsiderate and rude behavior, maybe you pride yourself on being the biggest ass anyone knows. If you are that person I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. No one likes you....I don't care if you think you have a hundred friends....no one likes you....these people are around because they owe you something and can't get away till their debt is paid off or they want something from you and their just bidding their time till they get it....they are talking shit behind your back....they are laughing at you when your not looking....they only spend as much time with you as they "have" to.....they do not like you....you will not be remembered as a great part of their lives in the end. They will not think of you in any good fashion after they have used you for whatever they need. So you keep being proud of your unwanted and unnecessary attitude....just keep in mind one day you will be alone....all alone....and I'm willing to bet when you call someone to come visit you....your more than willing to say "please" and "thank you" which is after all where all the trouble began in the first place!

Finally an interesting weekend!

Okay so it's been forever since I blogged, mostly because not a whole lot has been going on. Chet was rained out of work for a week. He's back to work and working overtime to boot. Shy is still doing wonderful at school. I have been delving into my role of "Domestic Goddess" with gusto. Other than that it's pretty much been business as usual at the Turner mansion. I use the term mansion very loosely! This weekend however was a total un-norm for us....un-norm....yep that sounds like it's a word or one that should be if it isn't.

J came into town to hang out and go to the Slipknot concert with Chet. It was one of our graduation presents for her. We also got her a leather journal, 'cause no doubt college is gonna give her plenty to journal about! She got in about 2am Sunday morning and her Chet and I stayed up till 6am talking and catching up. Then we all went to bed....I'm not sure what time Chet got up....way to early, but I got up around 10 and of course I promptly woke J up. We all had a delish breakfast, thanks to Big Daddy of course. Then we got dressed and J went and had lunch with a friend of hers and when she got back Chet and I went to his Aunt and Uncles and Shy went with J to take birthday presents to her cousin. When everyone got back to the house Big daddy and J got ready and headed off to the concert. Shy and I made up some leftovers for dinner and then cuddled up in Big daddy and I's bedroom and watched Mamma Mia....for the 2,847 time! We had a really good time having a little bonding moment...we love to sing along with musicals! I dozed off on the couch after Shy went to bed and around 11 I started texting Chet he said the traffic was insane and they were gonna be awhile. They got home about 1 soaked through with sweat and I don't even know what else. They were so excited about the concert talking about how fun it was. I was just glad they had a good time. J was super stoked to find bruises on herself from the concert.

So on Monday I got up and got the girls off to school and after they were on their way I went back to bed. J was still sleeping so I figured I could get a good hour or two more. We got up about 10am. J wanted to go get her industrial piercing so we got around and I did a few mundane Monday responsibility's and we were off to get her piercing. Along the way I mentioned that I had thought about getting a nose piercing. She of course was like, totally you have to it would be so cool! After we got to the tattoo parlor I thought about it and had totally talked myself out of it, when on a whim I decided to text Chet and see what he thought....I was thinking he would be appalled by the idea and that would clench it up for me.....no he was so totally for it....Damn....now I might actually have to do it....crap....so before I could change my mind I gave the man the money and signed on the dotted line. It was painful, more than an ear, but less than a tongue. Now that it's been a couple of hours it's kinda throbbing a bit, I keep twisting and turning it. I am however already thinking of uber cute nose rings I've seen.

Now a little more detail about Sat. Chet's aunt called him and told him to come over for lunch actually she invited the whole family. Unfortunately Shy and I already had plans. So Chet went over to his aunt's and Surprise! His Grandpa and Grandma from Texas were in town! It had been a really long time since Chet had seen them. To say he was stoked was an understatement. He came home in a stellar mood. Although we had plans most of the next day with Jess he told me he wanted us to go over on Sun. so I could meet them. Now as everyone knows the tension between Chet's family and myself couldn't be cut with a knife....You would need a chainsaw....but he was so excited, he wanted so bad for us to be able to visit with them. So I took a deep breath and agreed. I gotta admit I was not looking forward to being treated as the unwanted guest. Much to my relief and surprise, I was treated wonderfully! Chet had told me many times when I finally met D and R I would love them and he was right I did love them. They were fun and I can't wait to know them better. They told us we had to come visit, and I am totally stoked to make it happen. T went out of her way to make sure I felt welcome, she was warm and friendly. I had a really good time. It was fun conversation. After all my worrying I was so happy I went and I was super stoked that Chet was so thrilled he got to spend some time with his family and his wife! All in all it was a wonderful experience.

So between the family, concerts, stress, introductions, late nites, and body piercings....it was truly the most fun weekend in a long while! The worst part was saying good bye to J. I can't wait to see her again! She truly is a most wonderful and amazing human being and I feel truly blessed to know her.

Finally catching up!

It's been almost a month since I posted....so much for my once a week plan! Okay, lets see the reason I have been so negligent lately is basically pain! I had a to have a root canal re-treated....and while he was doing the procedure my wonderful dentist found out when the idiot of a dentist did the root canal the first time he left a canal undone....now I'm not a dentist and I do not have any medical experience or background, but I'm thinking that's not supposed to happen. To make matters worse the tooth was abscessed, which I have gathered simply means it was infected! So while having the normal pain of a root canal I also had the added bonus of a raging infection. It has not been fun! So I have done no journaling no meditation no blogging and no scrapping in almost a month. To say it's been hell is an understatement....however this weekend I was on the up! I was looking forward to a weekend of quiet and joyful bliss! My husband and I were planning to spend the weekend cuddled up, enjoying each other. We did and it was an absolute joy! We also finished the second book in the twilight series. We start on the third tonight. The weekend was wonderful. I did have a fight....a stupid one at that with who I thought was a really good friend. I still am not quite sure why the whole thing even went down, apparently I am supposed to read minds, and have a inner demon who is out to destroy every human being I encounter. Oddly, it was all over a silly meaningless (or so I thought) comment on facebook! This damn Internet gets me in all kinds of trouble! Lol!

As for the last couple of weeks it has been the usual worries and stresses. Money, friends, kids....just normal stuff. I did have an experience a week or so ago. My dd has been more than a little difficult to handle lately, and it seemed to me she was being especially rude and disrespectful to me personally, so I finally had had enough one evening while I was making dinner and asked her straight out what the deal was. Now I started the conversation (not wanting to hear the answer) with the question....."Do you just not like being here" I was expecting a snide and revengeful comment like "No, 'cuse you make me eat my vegetables, clean my room, do my homework and sometimes redo it if I got answers wrong," The answer couldn't have been more of a surprise. It was a long conversation so I'll just give you the gist. She is angry with her dad....really angry and she's scared if she tells him how she feels he'll just send her to our house and forget about her. I was shocked I literally sat there starring at her like a goof. I didn't know what to say at first. She had examples of what she felt was neglect and a lack of love on his part. Now all kids have complaints about their parents, this was different though....this broke my heart....as my daughter spoke I couldn't help but see myself 3 yrs ago trying so hard to make the same man understand the same things. My daughter had the very same hurts and issues that were the reason for her parents divorce. I have always said that one of the reasons I left was because I wanted her to know if you weren't happy some where you could always leave you never had to feel less than you are. Now I was being faced with the knowledge that she was feeling this way and she thought she couldn't leave. He's her father not a boyfriend or a best friend or a roommate. I spoke to him and adjustments were made. However the feeling I felt listening to her in her hopeless little girl voice, the helplessness I felt when she looked at me with eyes that are identical to my own expecting that like always I would fix what was wrong in her world. I love being a mother more than anything in the world but the helplessness at times is literally heartbreaking and bone crushing. She does seem so much better now that she has said it all and attention is being paid to the issues. That's a relief her whole personality and outlook has been wonderful as of late....WhooHoo!

I guess that pretty much sums up the last few weeks....hmmm kinda pathetic....were not nearly as interesting as one would guess!

A late update

Okay, so this 'week in review' is a bit late, but here it is! Last week was pretty calm and ordinary. The family was getting to know our newest member and what fun he could be. Shy stayed home on Wed 'cuse she had a tummy ache, and on Thurs she had a dentist appt. So we head over to the dentist, and just as we walk in the door the receptionist meets us and informs us that her appt has been cancelled....WTF! You can't call....or e-mail or send a letter or drop a post card in the mail....you could have even come by on your lunch break our house is 2 blocks from the dentist....needless to say we got a new dentist. After the dentist fiasco...I decided it was time for a haircut...not my usual 2ins of the bottom....I got it chopped about 9ins! I was a little hesitant at first 'cuse I got bangs to, but now that I've lived with it awhile I love it...it's so much easier to handle....not to mention flat iron! My tooth was really bothering me and I had already found out the dentist was out of town so I went by my soon to be old dentist and begged for drugs till I could get into the new dentist....it helped for the day or 2 it had to. We had a low key weekend....just enjoying the family. Shy had a friend over sat night. They were very good. This weekend when the blizzard hit I was kinda worried, Shy had her friend to keep her company....Chet had halo 3.... but what about me....lucky for me they were having an online scrap and game weekend on one of my favorite scrap sites. So I settled in and geared up to scrap till my fingers hurt....I did a total of 3 lo's and 2 cards....the best part....I won! I won 4 times....some for lo's 1 for a card and a couple of games....I had a really good time and now I'll be getting lots of scrap goodies in the mail for the next week or so....excited just isn't a big enough word!! I also was given a heads up by a friend about an online company who was having a "dollar days" scrap sale....I hit that sucker hard and I only spent $20. I got a ton of new ribbon and embellies! It was an awesome scrap weekend! That takes us through till Monday and that's a new blog that will have to wait....hope everyone is well and wonderful!! BTW.... all the lo's and cards I did this week and weekend can be seen on my scrap blog site! Muahhh to all!

Turner family week.

Ok, so It's sat nite and it's time for the Turner family "Week in review".

On Monday of this week I was told by my boss I would not be needed after Friday. So while I was saddened by this announcement, she was in hysterics.....I decided right then to try to keep a stern, and positive attitude about the situation. I sent her a very honest heartfelt, and beautiful e-mail. She was feeling better after that.


It was Shy's spring break this week and she was overly excited to be seeing the kids. I took her to work with me everyday, but Fri. She stayed over on Sun night, that started her week off with a slumber party! Needless to say she seemed to have a wonderful week, and I'm happy to report her attitude which we have begun referring to as "code red", was for the most part in check this week. She was helpful and compliant....it was good to just get along again. She had a friend stay Tues night. All the girls had a blast!

On Thursday Shy and I were headed home and went shopping! I had told her when the week began, if she did chores she could earn money. Our own house was spotless on account of we all came home Monday and cleaned furiously....due to out of town company. So the agreement was she would do chores at work, resulting in cash. It had been such a long time since she and I had been shopping I wanted to go and help her spend it! She got a couple of silly things and I got a couple of silly things, and then we went to Starbucks! We had the same thing her's was of course minus the 2 shots of espresso, but it was super fun! She went to her father's later that evening,

Chet worked all week, as usual, and he finally heard back from the Dr. office....they called to tell him test results would be another week or two.....the rate at which modern medicine moves is staggering! I guess I should just be thankful he's not dying.....he would have to postpone it until the tests were back.

My week was pretty great! I got to see some very close friends, make some truly fun future scrapbook plans! I also had a couple of the worst shopping trips ever...I can't really blog about them....it would take to much coffee! I did thoroughly enjoy my last week with the kids. It was good to get to know them all again. I got some great pics and I can't wait to scrap them! We watched Mamma Mia twice a day everyday!! No exceptions! I was ok with that I have been in love with the movie since Chet and I took shy to see it in the theatre! That movie trip turned out a lot better than our last.....Sunday last we took Shy to see Coraline....about 45mins into it Derby lost power....yeah like half the town! We did get tickets to see it again, but it kinda ruined the mood.

On Thursday night,Chet and I did some shopping and tried to get to bed a little early....didn't work, but we had a good nite that included a final visit from family. We had two members of family in town this week and I couldn't have been more excited to see either one, it was great to catch up, and talk! On Friday I worked and after I met Chet at home and we got ready to go out with friends, we had a great dinner and some fun afterwards, it was wonderful to catch up with them.....we really don't hang out enough. It was ruder!!! (private joke)


On Sat we set out to buy some of the supplies for the bathroom floor.....and before the day was over, we had expanded our family. We adopted a beautiful, Newfoundland, his name is Kody, and I will be posting pics and making announcements! Shy has yet to meet our new family member so I am really eager to see her and Kody interact. I will be returning to my glamorous life of domestic goddess, tomorrow when I will catch up all the laundry and do my best to stay on top of the mess, right now it looks pretty good, but I'm thinking a 129 lb baby boy can change that.....quickly! I Hope you all had a wonderful week! I hope you have an even better one this week!

My friend

Have you ever had a friend or friends, that you said goodbye to, and barely kept in touch with. Then one day you reconnect, and you spend some time together and it's like you never left each other. Then you fade away from each other and that's when it hits you.....how much your gonna miss this person...how much you did miss this person....how they meant so much more to you than even you realized.

I am currently in this situation, I have reconnected with someone, I didn't even realize I missed until recently...now that we will be parting again. I treasure this person, they are a true joy to be around. I adore the conversations we have the laughs, the cocktails, everything. I have always believed it's a persons choice to stay in touch, but it was pointed out to me recently by my dh that when things change I won't keep in touch, and it's not from want...sometimes life just has a way...... of getting in the way. We both have families and while hers is much larger and more demanding than mine (her life as well) I know myself well enough to know I will absorb myself back into my own life to such extent it won't include her or her life. It's just one of those things. We'll part ways smiling making promises to see each other often and we'll mean it, but for some reason or reason's we won't follow thru. We'll chat every once in awhile about the kids and the husbands and her glamorous life and my lack there of and that will be it.

A really great friend of mine always says that people come in and out of our lives for a reason, we take something from them, they take things from us. I believe everyting happens for a reason, and I think the way I'm feeling now may very well be the reason. I needed to know relationships like this one were real. I needed to know people bonded this strong. I needed to know the meaning of the word friend was so much more than what I had experienced in my life up till now. I needed to know and love someone who asked nothing of me, but my friendship, and gave everything in return.

In the last couple of days we have both expressed feelings, we haven't said to each other ever. She has expressed a desire for me not to "disappear", and I finally broke down and told her just how much I love and adore her. I have always prided myself on not ever letting anyone make me feel less than or lower than them. Yet I have always felt that way about her. I have always felt she was living my ideal life. Yet she always builds me up, telling me the not so glamorous stories, showing me the gritty under belly of her life. I've always wandered if she did this because she sensed my feelings of inadequacy, or if she just doesn't want it to look easier than it is.

I will be leaving her and her beautiful family soon. I will no longer be an intricate part of her life. I will no longer have the opportunity to see how the other half lives, to peak into and share in some of the most fascinating things about her and her families life. Change has never bothered me as much as it does some people, it may be a bit scary, but I have always welcomed it with open arms. My curiosity has always been strong enough to push me around the bend. However, I'm sitting here tonight thinking I don't want this to end, not all because of the kids, more because of her. It's literally hitting me just now how important this woman has become to me. My female relationships have always been extremely important. I chalk that fact up to my lack of any relationship with my mother. Her relationship has meant more to me than any female relationship in my life...save my sisters. She has shown me time and time again what an adult healthy, giving, loving, generous, friendship means.

While all this is good and well to say and admit, I know, I just know this is the end of something, it will never be this way again. It will always be this comfortable and wonderful between us, but it will be different, I won't know her as I do now. I won't be privy to her insights and the inner workings of her life as I am now. I guess I just feel like I'm losing my friend. I hate losing friends, and I gotta admit this one hurts more than ever. Perhaps it's just a mood, or perhaps, just perhaps it's the first real best friend I've ever had....all I know is it hurts. It feels like a piece of me is dying, like part of my very soul is disappearing.

I love you friend and I will miss you, I will think of you more than you will ever know. I hope sometimes when your having a really great cocktail you will think of me to, and say to yourself, Monica would love this I wish she was here...... and then I will be.

Here we go again!

Ok people listen up and gather 'round it's time for our week in review.

So Chet was out of town again last week and that sucked really bad....we totally had an argument thurs nite....yes a long distance argument can be done, it takes work and that whole "make-up sex" thing is a no go, but with some timing and overreacting it's totally possible.

Shy was with her dad this week so it was just me and the dog...I didn't do much on Mon. and Tue. On Wed I went back to the court house to no avail...yet again.... that was also when I found about our family friend.

I went to a small shop in town on Thurs. and bought a new bag...retail thereapy... and got Shy a way to expensive shirt...but it was adorable and she never asks for anything anymore...except a cell phone...so I got it for her. I went to the funeral and delivered the casserole....and got hired back....yep I wasn't asked to come back but it was made pretty clear that I was needed so I volunteered.

I had lunch at school with Shy on Fri. and picked her up after, we fought, it seems we do that a lot, and I mean a lot lately...puberty...phase...or just spoiled I don't know what it is....it's totally possible it may even be me and not her at all.

Chet had to stay an extra night and didn't get home till late Sat. nite. I delivered yet more g.s. cookies on Sat. I hung out at "my other family's" on sat evening till Chet called to say he was in town. Then on Sun...after ample "alone and happy time" we came back to the "other family's" so Chet could visit with everyone.

We watched the last episode ever of the L word....golly I'm gonna miss those crazy lesbians...and another fascinating episode of U.S. Tara...I think I relate to that show a little to much for comfort. Shy was in great spirits Sun nite and I was glad to have some love time with her.

That's about it for last week see you all again in a week!

Good bye friend.

Our family has lost a true friend. We lost this person on Monday. This person was one of the very few, one comes across in a lifetime. This person shouldn't have meant as much as they did, and yet it seems....somehow right that they did. This person showed me personally immense kindness and trust before, they knew me. They gave so much of themselves to me, and my family the loss is tremendously felt. They were the kind of person that had an infections laugh, and truly gentle and honest spirit, the kind of person who would do kindness for the sake of doing kindness....one who would go out of their way to be a help or of some use. This amazingly wonderful human being was an absolute and total pleasure to know and be associated with, I will miss them....alot....they have truly left a mark on my soul and I am confident I am the better for it. Our family sends their deepest condolences to the family, and please know you are in our thoughts and prayers.
We wish you all peace.


I found it almost impossible to type this....I know I didn't describe our friend with the justice they deserved. I guess you just had to know them....and then they would have made you feel special, and important, and remembered. You would have felt their warmth as well. We will miss you!

Another week done!!

Well another week has come and gone again...it was a pretty low profile kinda week. It was just shy and I this week big daddy was out of town all week working....so it was just the girls hanging all week....I had a girls day on thur....got my nails done had lunch out all with a good friend...it was a wonderful distraction....and I was super appreciative for it. After school I took Shy to the scrapbook store so she could spend her gift certificate from Valentines! She was really excited and she got everything she needed for a specific lo! It was a wonderful lo....I am so proud she did a total of 2 lo's this weekend and both were wonderful....did I mention how proud I am....she still complains that there not as good as mine, I just tell I've been doing it alot longer than she has and before long she'll be even better than I am....I don't think proud is a strong enough word....she seems even more excited the more stock she gathers...I will be posting her lo's on my scrap blog! This weekend was a bit more active....I for some reason was really combative....I kept starting fights over stupid things....I couldn't even understand myself why I was being such a pain in ass....I was texting a friend sat evening and telling her how big of a pain I was being and how it was killing me that I couldn't even understand why....she said "It's prolly 'cuse you know your gonna be alone next week and it's easier to let him leave when your mad at him." I totally had a light bulb moment....that not only made sense it was right on the money.... consequently I was in a much better mood Sunday....we had a wonderful day! I finally got all the papers from the lawyer over the weekend so I can make hopefully a final trip to wellington. Sat we spent 2 hrs delivering cookies and except a few that were not home were all done! She did so well this year....she didn't make her personal goal this year, but still she sold well over 200 boxes so, she did a wonderful job. I guess that about wraps it all up....I'll do it again next week!

At a loss for words!

I am so upset...and somewhat at a loss. My ex-husband has been planning a trip with his girlfriend to see her oldest daughter graduate from basic. When they first told dh and I about it we told them if it happened to be our week w/dd we would let her go with them if they wanted. The time has come they leave wed. and not only did my ex-not talk to my dd about it he didn't even tell her she wasn't going! Apparently dd heard his girlfriends son ask "is she going" pointing at dd....the answer she heard was no. Then they were at Wal-mart where everyone was picking out cup holders for the trip and when dd asked where they were going his girlfriends son told her she wasn't going....and that was it. No one explained to her why she wasn't going....no one told her why they were going....aaarrrrggghhhhh...I'm so angry. I held her last nite while she cried because she doesn't understand why she can't go. I being the big 'ol mean ass bitch that I am called the ex to tell him what an ass I thought he was and that he had broken our dd's heart. Like always he didn't seem to care other than about the fact that I was yet again making a big deal out of nothing. As If!! I'm her mother if it was some stupid little boy that had broken her heart I would know what to say....Like I would think most mothers of daughters I started planning out that speech when they said "it's a girl", but from her daddy....most all little girls put their daddy's on such a high pedestal anyway....So after my protective mother speech to my ex I came out of the bedroom....'cuse I didn't want her to hear that conversation....and my dh told me that she had made some interesting comments to him while I was out of the room. Apparently she told him....she didn't think it was fair that she wasn't going...it was supposed to be a family trip and she's part of the family....ok that just broke my heart....I know my dd's not stupid....believe me keeping up with her intelligent mind is half of my life's work....but for some reason I guess I was just leaning on the idea that she didn't think about it that much....that she didn't take it to that level....I don't know why but it bothered me all the more when I realized she did. I have noticed for awhile the difference in her dad's behavior not just where she is concerned but in him in general, I didn't think she had noticed anything though....I had a long serious conversation with her today after school and I have misjudged the situation totally....now please don't misunderstand I am a very attentive mother, I ask her all the time whats going on....how are things....is everything ok with you....I guess she just didn't feel the need to break it all down to me until today....but from what she told me today she has not only noticed a difference in her dad as well she feels he treats her differently....and not in the best of ways....as a mother I'm at a loss....I can only tell her so much and so much more she is gonna have to experience and decide on her own....I had hoped my dd would not have such grown up issues to deal with. I guess what they say is true....divorce is hell on the kids.

Week wrap up!

It's time for another wrap up of the week!

We still haven't found out about Chet's test. That pisses me off but Chet says they don't have to tell us at all they could just make us wait till the letter comes. That could take a couple of weeks. So for the sake of my sanity let's hope they tell him tomorrow or tue.

Other than that the word for the week is SICK that is what we have been here lately. It's going around really bad. Strep, sinus infection, and bronchitis are whats all around us. I think we just have colds but still it's not much fun. Shy hasn't gotten it yet so I'm totally thankful for that anyway. Chet and I have managed to stay on opposite sides of the "feeling shitty side" I felt really bad sat. He took wonderful care of me and by sat. evening I was feeling a bit better. He felt really bad sun. I was doing ok still not feeling great but good enough to try to take care of him.

Other than the lasting wonderment over the test and the lack of strong immune systems...it's all been pretty bland around here.

I did find out today that shy has brought all her grades up, and other than having trouble with graphs in math she is doing really well!

So here we go off to another week!

In the news!

So most everyone who knows me knows how much I hate the news. It's negativity is just something I prefer to live without on a daily basis. I have seen alot of conversations lately about an "in the news" story. I didn't know all the facts so I looked up all the video interviews and watched them. The story is about the mom who just had the octuplets.

As always when it comes to storys about fertility my opinion is not one of black and white, it's more of a grey. Listening to her interview I can understand her desire to have alot of children. I can understand her not wanting to throw the unused embryo's out. I can even understand that they had placed 6 embryo's before and she only came out with one child, so why would she think it would be different this time.

The facts as I know them are
* All the children were conceived using IVF
* All the children have the same father
* The father is not present in their lives
* The mother is unmarried
* The mother is unemployed
* The mother was living off of student loans
* The mother was recieving some government aid
* The mother has 6 other children (other than the octuplets)
* All the other children are aged 7 and under
* There are one set of twins all the other children are single births

Now there are more facts but these happen to be the one's I highlighted....all of these facts were taken from a dateline interview. She has a website set up so people can send donations and leave comments.

Now I have expressed what I understand about the situation.

Heres what I don't understand. Why not donate the viable embryo's to some wonderful people who can't make their own?
Why not wait until you have a feesable way to pay for all the children you want?
Why not just be thankful for the 6 healthy happy children you have already?

It's hard for me...to understand the latter of these the most. I know there have to be hundreds of women in the world like me who would want nothing more in life than to be able to have a child or 2 or 3. I would never presume to speak for all of us, but as for me. The option of having a "litter" of children is not only to far fetched to imagine it pains me to think some one does and may not be able to properly care for them. I'm not saying I'm the greatest mother or provider in the world....I just don't understand the concept of one having so much and so many others having so little. I'm sure their are hundreds of people in the world who have so much to give a child...and here this woman has 14 now and no idea how she's gonna pay for them...let alone show each one the attention and love it needs on a personal basis. I wish them all....the whole family all the love and blessings in the world...I just don't understand how some can be blessed with sooo much and others blessed with nothing. I myself was blessed with a child, but there are others who have not been so blessed. I wish them the best as well, I remember well the angst and want of the joy a child brings. I can't help but think a story like this would just add to frustration. So to all who may be experiencing the heartache of infertility, I could only say think positive, love often and know you will get your due in time.

This is the link to the dateline interviews.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/29063266#29129331

This is the link to her website.

http://www.thenadyasulemanfamily.com/

The week in review!

So just wanted to wrap this week up in a quick readers digest condensed version. Shy was with her father so I only talked to her all week, I did see her a couple of the days. She is doing so much better with her reading and school in general I am so super proud of her! Chet had a trying week he had to deal with some unhappy people and some uncooperative people at work, but he made it through. He took his test Sat. and I am more than confident he passed it...I can't even describe how confident I am it's just like I know....I don't know how I just know he passed it.

I helped my friend at her daycare this week and prepared for the upcoming girl scout meeting this week...or should I say meetings...we have a leader meeting this week and I can't begin to tell you what a waste of time I think of these things...but it's a necessity...so I to will make it through. I got to check out engagement rings and wedding sets with a friend this weekend, it was so super fun she chose a really beautiful wedding set...I just hope she really enjoys it.

That is pretty much the week in review. Talk to everyone next week!

Hmmm....well....

Okay so I haven't blogged in awhile....'cause there's nothing almost litteraly nothing going on... it has been a completely comfortable month.....which interestingly enough is...just what my tarot said it would be.

Shy's doing well in school. Chet's got a hell of a commute to work and home everyday, but it's all ok!

I've been scrapping like mad....I discovered sketches, and challenges and I am now addicted to both....but on a high note...my pages are getting much better...even when I'm not using a sketch!

I predict based on my tarot that feb. will be a month of feeling togetherness, and happiness in relationships!

I'm gonna try to start blogging every week! I don't know how long I can keep it up, but that's my goal...as well as get 4 lo's or cards done a week...and do a load of laundry everyday. There I said it we'll see it it happens.

RAK giveaway!

Valentine's Day Giveaway!



Wouldn't you LOVE to win this!?
Just re-post this giveaway & add a link to your post in a comment here.
Earn extra entries by posting on more than one site too!
We will pick a winner on Valentine's Day.

http://socalscrap.blogspot.com/2009/01/valentines-day-giveaway.html

In reference to....

It has come to my attention that my last blog has caused a great deal of commotion with a few people. In reference to this I would just like to say, this is a country of free speech where even a simple minded lowly housewife like myself may say anything that pops into her head. It being such a country I feel the need to remind everyone that reads my blog, they do so under their own accordance. I have nor would I ever force anyone to read my opinions or inner thoughts. If something I have said has offended someone I would just like to say, that is their problem not mine. I do not feel that I should be held responsible for someone reading something and assuming what they wish from it and being offended. It is not my responsibility to censor who reads my blog. If you don't like me or what I write, then why are you reading my blog anyway. It seems that if this, very unimportant to anyone but me, blog is causing such a stir perhaps those that are stirred by it should choose other reading material. It was commented that some who follow this blog do so as a form of entertainment, and humor. It would then only seem right that they take what is written here as they would entertainment and humor. If they take their entertainment and humor that seriously I fear they may be missing the point altogether. So I say this to all who I may have offended. I have not judged you for your inability to show who you are and say anything or nothing. I ask only for the same consideration. I am willing to say what I think and not hide from anyone. What I write on this blog are my own thoughts and opinions, if they should offend or irritate, I would suggest those who are offended or irritated simply....stop reading it.

Yours truly
Monica Turner

How sad it must be to be you.....

How sad it must be to be you.....you know who you are....you who seems to have an unfilling emptiness....an unquenching desire to always feel as if you are number 1 to everyone....an unsatisfied desire to feel beautiful.
How sad it must be to be you.....you who must constantly try to fill a void with a barrage of self affirmations for lack of outside compliments....you who surrounds yourself by people who will further the idea that all you do is right.....you who cannot live the spirituality you claim for your own but are to weak to admit your own hypocrisy.
How sad it must be to be you.....you who has to fill your life with the negativity of bringing others down to raise your own self esteem to a level you can live with....you who would prefer to look the part of a happy loving person rather than actually live it....you who will let people and their actions dictate who you will associate with or show interest in.....you who is more concerned with "pretty" than with truth...fairness...love....family....faith....or forgiveness.
How sad it must be to be you.....you who would wish life altering heartache on people so you could be first.....you who can say one thing and live another....you who can use words that are foreign to you as if you created them....you who can claim to live a life and put up a farce of such living just to act and project the opposite.
How sad it must be to be you.....you who seems to never keep loved ones and yet has a hundred reasons why they leave none of which fault you....you who chooses to fulfill some unknown emptiness with a rash of money spending rather than finding a love that can fulfill it....you who lies expertly, and condemns the liar....as long as the condemned is not you.....you who will get caught in a lie and never admit to any wrong doing, but will insist the wrong is admitted to you if you feel it has been done to you.
How sad it must be to be you.....to know one day you will be alone and all the burnt bridges and harsh words and lost chances for forgiveness will be gone and all that will be left is you....beautiful....broken.....alone....still searching for that one love or friend or family member that can make it all complete....only to find they have all gone....the "pretty" ran out for them the inside ugly truth had shown itself too many times.
How sad it must be to be you.....you who I used to be jealous of and strive to be like....you who I wished I could emulate.....you who I wished I could be as talented as or as pretty as or as organized as or as blessed as or as spiritual as.....you who was just a facade a fake a "false front" a wanna be a for appearance sake only kind of person.....you who I once looked up to and admired you who I once made so important in my life....you who I once considered a friend....you who I once felt such anger and resentment towards....you who I once considered back stabbing and two faced and cowardly..... you who I once believed had the power to sabotage my happy ending.
How sad it must be to be you.....you who I now see is just as lost and broken as the rest of us....you who I feel bad for because I have had love and friendship of the truest kind....you who may never feel truly beautiful on the inside as a person, as I have been blessed enough to feel most of my life especially now....you who will never truly feel the absolute feeling of "free" total forgiveness gives....you who I will no longer feel anger or hate or disgust for....you who has replaced all those feelings with pity and sadness....you will miss so much....you have taught me who I don't want to be....you who I say thank you to.....you who I wish nothing but the best....you who will live a cold and lonely existence with no idea of how true warmth feels....you who will no longer hold more than a passing moment in my thoughts....you who I now let go of....you who will no longer hold any power over me....you who will never make me doubt myself again....you who are no friend of mine....you who I will feel only indifference for......you who I will never be....you who I choose to be different than.....you who are not ME!
How sad it must be to be you.....you who will always choose "pretty" over "real".....you who will see this blog entry as fuel on the fire....you who will never realize this is closure....you who will always wonder.....you who will one day miss and wish you could call me up and just talk.....you who are so sad.
How sad it must be to be you.

POSITIVELY....WONDERFUL!!!

I recently had some unpleasant experiences with some unpleasant people....I am trying to be a more positive person....no really I am....so therefore I am not allowing myself to even give these people the satisfaction of taking the smile off my face. I am hoping we will hear something about the house soon....as of yet still no word still just a hope and dream of mine....but as of recently another opportunity has opened up to us, one I am also very excited about....another house...I don't know much detail about this one, but hopefully.....we'll see....anyway I did my yearly tarot the other day...I have never done this before...a really good friend of mine does it every year she says it's a tradition for her....so I decided I would try it....so my intuition's been telling me for months that 2009 is our year, all really great things are gonna happen for us this year....I can just feel it in my gut.... and my yearly tarot cards said the same thing.....so I'm so excited for this whole year to pan out and all these really great things to start happening for us.....we so deserve it and I am so ready for all the positivity, and joy and just livin. I almost can't contain my excitement I'm just so convinced it's all happening for us this year....I know there will be some negativity there always is....but for some reason I just think it will be minimized this year...minimized a lot to an almost non-existent state of being....I just can't wait and my new years resolution is to keep my personal self in a constant state of positivity....or at least as constant as possible! So here's to a great new year and all the great things we deserve finally coming our way!!! And as always I say to anyone who isn't rooting for us and who is hatin' on us....Fuck You!!! And kiss my ass as I walk away smiling....yeah you!

@$&&#^* Printer!!

okay, so Chet bought me a new printer....the exact one I wanted. Ever since it's been one pain the ass after another.....First the one he bought me wouldn't print ink so I waited till the day after Christmas and got online with a tech person to chat with....after 30mins she decided I needed a new print head so she sent me one....it only took a couple of days so I was still really excited....then when we got it all put back together it still didn't work. So I called the customer service number and after the 45mins it took the man to figure out he couldn't fix it he decided I would have to send it back and they would send me a new one. So I followed their instructions to a T and when I didn't get my printer I called back....then I was told someone didn't process the order so it would be another week before I got my printer...PIST...so when it finally came I was super excited...until I went to hook it all up and found they hadn't sent me a power cord....a power cord.....because I would be so excited to have the printer there's no way I would want to turn it on an actually use it rite....ugggghhhh! Needless to say I'm calling Kodak and may the gods help whoever answers the phone!

Your not here.....

It's late...after midnight...your in some (I'm sure) not so nice hotel in a town I had never heard of before we knew you were going there. I can't sleep I told you I wouldn't be able to. I know you've only been gone twenty-four hours...and I know it's ridiculous to miss you like I do...I think about our very best friends L & J and I know it's totally selfish to feel the way I do....they have it so much worse....and yet I can't help feeling somewhat lost. I took a vitamin today...and I fed the dog...with actual dog food. I walked into our bedroom to go to bed tonight and I laughed and teared up....because you turned the heater up before you left...you know I like it warm, and you know I don't know how to do it. It's hard to explain to people why I feel the way I do when your not around....sometimes it's hard for me to understand it myself. I love you, of course I do, but this feeling of....emptiness that's here when your not...I never expected that ever. Don't misunderstand I'm not one of those women who is defined by her husband....It's just that your more to me than just a husband, your more than just the guy I feel comfortable with, more than just the guy who pays the bills, more than just the guy I share a bed with, more than just the guy who takes out the trash, or drives me around, or hugs me, or deals with my craziness....Your my friend, my confidant, my sounding board, my co-pilot, my partner in crime, my tuck in buddy, my lover, my everything. I missed talking to you today with the laziness I have grown accustomed to. I missed my good morning and hunny I'm home kiss....I knew it would be no fun, but this rush of emotion....I wasn't prepared for...I guess I just miss my friend. I love you and I will see you soon my love...my friend. I'm gonna go to bed now...I won't be sleeping alone the rest of our small family is already in bed...our bed...I guess they felt some sense of emptyness as well.