Goodbye 2008....Hello 2009

So today is the last day of 2009, and I (which is typical of me) am looking back over the year. There have been massive disappointments, and huge glorious, wonderful moments. Here are some of the best and worst!

The best!!
We got married
We had a beautiful wedding
We had wonderful friends and family attend our wedding
We went on an amazing honeymoon
I made existing friendships stronger
I forged new friendships
I discovered friends I didn't know I had
We went on some great Girl Scout trips
I fell even more in love with my husband
I watched in awe as my daughter grew another year
Our girl overcame some major troubles in school
I forgave some
I apologized when I needed to (sometimes)
I listened more
I enjoyed more
I breathed deep
I rediscovered my spirituality
I (tried) to stress less
We had a beautiful Christmas


The Worst!!
I lost great friendships
The B family chose to end their relationship with our family
T (unsuccessfully) tried to ruin our wedding
Our girl had some major troubles in school
I was laid off
The car died
There were times when money was tight
There were times when money was non-existent
The unemployment office jerked me around
We got taken by people we thought were friends


So as you can all see the good definitely outweighed the bad. As a new year begins I hope for my own family as well as everyone else's a wonderful year full of more "bests" than "worsts". I wish happiness and joy and love and peace for all of our friends, and our enemies. Be well everyone. Blessed Be!!

Whew!!

So I haven't blogged in awhile....I hate to blog when I'm in a negative place I feel like people will get the idea I'm only ever negative....that is not the case....but sometimes it's just a bit difficult to be all sunny and daisy's.....especially when it seems the whole world is caving in. Anywho ok just to catch everyone up the kia broke down and that sucked really bad because it left us with no vehicle, and Chet having no way to get to work.....so he bought an old car from a buddy of his and then.....believe it or not...... it broke down.....so now we were out even more money and the car lot wanted $4000.00 to fix the kia.....I don't think I need to explain the impossibility of that happening.....then as I was crying hysterically and so sure we were done for.....a Christmas miracle, or a guardian angel.....which ever you prefer.....myself I like to think of it as some really good friends coming to the rescue.....we were able to get another vehicle and a decent one....Thank you again.....Chet and I both being orphan's we rarely if ever have anyone to save us. I mean there are those kind of people....you know the type anytime they run a little short at the end of the month....or they want something they just can't afford they run to family and someone is there to bail them out....Chet and I don't have that luxury....we have friends....I've never had much luck with family so even family that is technically family, I prefer to call friends.....It has become my opinion that extended family doesn't mean so much to me.....they have never done me any good.....but friends....like the one's who came to our rescue recently....they could be family, but I would consider that an insult to them.....they treated us better than family ever has and they were amazing about it....I just have to send a huge hug and kiss and yet one more thank you out to our "friends" you all are more wonderful than any family could ever be!! So then in the midst of all this Christmas!! Agggghhhhh....I ask you could a girl get a brake.....anyway... we made it work and it was wonderful....I was worried for quite a while there but somehow the universe made it happen....It wasn't the largest Christmas by any means, but I think that is the case with alot of family's this year....my adorable husband managed to not guess any of his gifts this year....(we didn't let him near any of the boxes till he opened them he he he he).....he did however manage to finish all of his new games in a weekend....butt head....:) anyway shy got everything she asked for.....literally everything....not all from us but, between the 6 Christmas's she had this year she got it all....I am learning not to buy as much for her or to take on all the responsibilities of making all her Christmas wishes come true....I got more than I could've hoped for I got the printer I had been admiring, and as soon as I learn how to work it I just know I'll love it ha ha ha.....anyway It's been a whirlwind of a couple of weeks and now we get to see how we stand up after the storm.....I know as long as we have amazing and loving friends, and we have the 3 of us together we will weather anything....the trick is how to do it and still look fresh and amazing....but I know some good make-up tricks and I have an arsenal of great hair products so we should be fine....so I'm going back to it now refreshed and with renewed faith in my fellow man and the love of friends and our small family!! I hope with all my heart everyone we love and treasure had a wonderful holiday as well!!

Some things they never told me....

No one ever told me my face, ass, and boobs would fall
they never told me a woman may fall in love numerous times in her life
or that heartache could physically hurt
it was never explained to me that people in the world would be out to just hurt
or that there would be times I would want a break from my child....
...only to look back one day and wonder with heartache where the time had gone
no one told me something as simple as giving birth should not be taken for granted
they never told me you can't control who you love...
...you can only control how you love them
it was never explained to me that it's easier to be let down...
...if your expectations are kept low
no one ever said you'll wake up one day and you will be your mother
or that no matter how hard you try you will never be "cool" in your child's eyes
they never told me there would come a day when you would just be "fat"...
...not chunky or flabby just "fat"
they never told me boredom couldn't actually kill...
...it really just delays death
it was never explained to me that over time you actually forget things...
...things you would rather remember
or that the crazy irresponsible time in your life would one day be the best times
no one said the friends you thought were just "nice" to have around would be the ones you missed most of all....
...or that the ones you were most passionate about would barely remain in your mind
no one told me sex gets better as you mature...
...or that good sex would becomes more important as you mature
no one said disappointing someone you love is just as painful for you as them
they never told me that a beautiful perfection of womanhood at 16...
....would become an average looking woman of 30
they never said no matter how hard you try you never forget your childhood...
....even if you want to
is was never explained to me that losing someone who has known you your whole life...
...would hurt like hell
they never told me how important knowing someone at 30 who knew you at 5 would be
or that there comes a day in every woman's life when she will come to understand her mother...
...and the choices her mother made
no one that passion in a woman's life is worth it's weight in gold...
....or if you've never had it you will always want for it


....Oh well....I probably wouldn't have listened if they had told me!

Positive things to come.....hopefully!!

I am truly feeling a wind of change these days....and I dare say I think it's bringing all good things with it! This feeling started on Tue, this last week....I got a call out of the blue, from the dealership I bought my car from....the message they left on my voicemail said, they had a customer looking for an older version of my car and if I would be willing to trade it in they would love to get me an upgrade....now I'm pretty wise to car salesmen....don't get me wrong I understand they are just doing their job and they deserve a little credit for that....but really, they are very much like piranha's and therefore I take a very no nonsense stand with them.....anyway long story short they wanted me to trade in for a new version of my car a very new version....it had 8 miles on it that's right 8.....I've never had that new of a car in all my life....but something didn't smell right to me....my intuition kept telling me it just wasn't right....I kept having the feeling of wait....wait....then this house deal just fell from the sky....and it seemed that for once I had actually done the right thing at the right time.....you see I am the type of person that will go against my gut, and then realize, after it's all said and done my gut was right.....weather it be about people or just things happening.....this time I just couldn't get past it as if my inner being was saying...."whoa...not this time girly....your not screwing us this time"......now don't misunderstand nothing is in stone and nothing has even been verbally agreed on, but I'm am seeing it all happening....I am seeing myself in this house....having dinner, doing dishes, vacuuming the floor, doing laundry, sleeping.....I really think this was what my inner being was preparing me for....I can't even express the excitement I am feeling about the situation....I am trying very hard not to let myself get excited, lest something should happen and it not work out, but I can't seem to stop my mind from racing and....visualizing....I truly with all my might hope against all hope this is our chance.....this house....I have always thought has such a warm and "homey" feel....as if the positive energy and love were part of the building process....it's a small house....but were a small family....and as we all know....we aren't growing any more human beings....it has character.....and personality.....and it's beautiful.....it reminds me of a cute little cottage in the woods that you would stumble upon on accident and just move into....I'm kinda really hoping they leave the porch swing....it's just so perfect....and it has the most beautiful willow tree in the front yard....imagine a willow tree....how....well... perfect!....it's like I drew it and the universe just made it be.....don't get me wrong....I'm totally romanticizing it....but I've known this house for a few years and have always said two things about it....1 I am amazed at the fact they raised 3 kids in such a small house, and 2 it's one of the warmest, and most home feeling houses I've ever had the pleasure to step into....the idea that we could actually call this place home.....I can't even put those feelings into words.....I must think and believe positive things....this is our house this house is the reason why none of the other housing possibilities have worked out....we were waiting for this opportunity.....and now....it's here! This is the house we will raise our girl in....I can see pictures being taken in front of the fire place....her prom date and dress....her in her cap and gown....sitting with my husband on the porch swing out front on warm summer nights listening to the train....opening Christmas presents on the floor in front of the fireplace....It's just scary how perfect it would all be....I'm sending my Christmas wish out into the universe....I want this house!

I'm still standing.....

I love love love Elton John always have....I love the gays....I believe they brighten the world....anyway I have been feeling somewhat thwarted by the universe lately....as if she is testing my will and abitlity to withstand....it's been awhile, but I am proud to report....I'm still standing....and being positive....I will continue to be optomistic about our future outcome and all the really great things it will contain within it.....I am not surviving or leaning on my strength now I am simply L.I.V.I.N.....I am feeling everything good bad and indifferent....I am facing the universe and saying thank you for all the blessings I have and helping me to appreciate the things I have perhaps taken for granted as of late.....one of these things I wish to talk about in great length today....my husband....Now I am still technically a newlywed so I believe I am allowed still to gush and ramble about how wonderful he is....don't get me wrong he is still a man (though not a typical one) he has his shortcommings....and I am finding I love them all more and more each day....he has this unearthly strength even when my fails me.....this understanding.....and this patience I envy....he has the inate ability to act as prozac for me calming me when I am sure I will blow up and fall back to earth in a thousand pieces.....he knows with out asking when I need to be held and when I need a drive and when I need a night out and when I need space to myself and when.....well he just seems to know what I need at any given time....he allows me to be the millions of different kind of women I am at all times....and he adjust to them......all the while making me feel as if i am whole and perfect and make the most sense.....of course I'll be the first to admit I am crazy as all get out....but....he makes me feel sane....and complete.....I cannot seem to say enough about this amazing human I a have the honor of knowing and priviledge to share my life with.....he has the most beautiful eyes I have ever looked into.....he has strong hands to hold me full of passion and love....and when the time calls for it he truly is the greatest lover I could ever have dreamed of.....he is gentle and loving....honest and giving....and I dare say....talented in this department.....I will go no further into that....(unless you wanna chat over a cup of coffee lol) he is a truly indescribable man.....and I am proud to call him my husband....I love being in love with him and I love the way he loves me.....I am truly thankful to the powers that be for bringing us together....Ohhhh I wish for everyone an equally amazing love affair as the one I have....and to those that do.....isn't love grand!!

so I say to the universe in this time of trials and tribulations I see what I have....I am thankful for it and I appreciate it all of it....I love that I am again taken for granted by my daughter....who I believe is convinced I have been put on this earth to meet her every demand.....I am grateful for the small joys and treasures I have been taking for granted as of late....and even though life seems a test of wills lately I have only to say....Look here....see me....I'm still standing and whats more I'm smiling!!

Growing up!

It's late.....really late....it's after 11 and even for a stay at home mother that's late....I'm up because we are in the middle of fierce sounding thunderstorm.....being a home grown born and raised Kansas girl I can sleep through them with no problem.....in fact I have found the older I get the better I sleep during a thunderstorm.....but I'm up because my daughter has not yet developed that appreciation for a good thunderstorm.....here's where it gets wierd....I have always been able to count on an extra body in the bed on nights when the wind howled like it is now.....when the lighting and thunder were working together to seem oh so much more menacing than they really are....as they are tonight....so when it started to get loud.....I got up and checked on my girl.....she was sleeping......I sat up and had a cigarette....still no whining or calling out to me.....I stayed up till about 2 and not once did she call out to me.....the next morning I asked her (as I do every morning) how she slept....good was the answer I got....now this may seem wierd to some of you but in my own mind this was just one more example of how the more she grows the harder and more painful it is for me....I should be thankful that I no longer have to stay up late and make silly funny jokes so she will calm down and not be afraid of a thunderstorm.....however I am heartbroken....my daughter is growing before my eyes and I am trying to keep myself from wishing she would stop.....I want her to grow up I want her to be able to cope and handle no matter what comes her way....that's what my mind says......if only my heart could catch up.....I will be a wake every night there is a thunderstorm for the rest of my life.....I just know I will.....maybe along time from now I'll be up late listening to the rain and wind and thunder and I'll get a phone call from my grown daughter....she'll apologize for it being so late and waking me up (as if) and she ask me what that song was I used to sing to her late at night to get her to calm down and fall asleep when it was storming....and my grandchild will be crying and whining in the back ground....I'll tell her and she say good night mom I'll call you tomorrow.....the next day I'll ask her how she slept and she'll sound groggy and make some disgusted sound and say I can't wait till they can sleep through a stormy night......I won't say anything to her but I will again feel the sharp pain of understanding.....because I could have waited....I could wait a few more years....

Just Bitchin......

So I was talking to a friend recently, and we were venting to each other about a mutual acquaintance of ours.....we are both appalled and yet not surprised by the audacity of this person....it's one of those people that no matter what they aren't happy unless they are covered in chaos and disruption....now I know from personal experience and so does my friend (unfortunately) how hurtful this person can be....while I have had no contact with this person for a long time, I am still very aware and sensitive to the pain this person caused for me and my family....I sit here and I wonder to myself....does that ever go away?.....is it possible to just put away hurt, that deep and selfish....I even think what hurts the most is the fact that they knew what they were doing and made a coherent decision to act in this selfish and hurtful way....obviously I have not had the chance to ask this person why they have done this terrible thing to me and my family so I can only guess it was because of jealousy....I imagine the lack of attention being paid to them and their family was the cause of so much unnecessary discontent on their part.....I met a person and became friends with them recently that had the innate ability to let everything slide off their back.....like the proverbial "water off a ducks back".....I wished and tried so hard to learn this skill....I unfortunately have yet to master that ability I you see....am a dweller....I dwell on things.....all kinds of things.....badly.....I'm working on this.....anyway I wish for anyone who has to deal with this kind of person or people....peace of mind and the ability to just laugh off the hurt and meanness I hope for all our sakes we can learn to just let it all slide off our backs and go away! I hope for you all be well!! Blessed be!

Chet and I went to Haunted Stroll with Shy's girl scout troop this year here are a few pics from the night!

A Factual Accounting of a Housewife!

So It's my first day as a re-elected "Domestic Diva" or "Lady of Liesure" or "Desperate housewife" or "Bon-Bon eating, Day time talk show watchin,
soap opera obsessed, shamelessly mouth flapping gossiping, Proud mother and wife, flag waving, Stay at home mom!" And as such I feel this blog will surely turn out to be the never published, yet fascinating account Of a Housewife! Man.....I wish I could be funny this "account of a housewife" would, I think be alot more interesting in a "funny" setting....I however have very little sense of humor and even when I try to be ....well....funny I find I am usually the only one in the conversation that get's it. So this will simply be a factual accounting of a housewife.

I have decided to spring clean for the first couple of weeks....we have an extreamly small house so while I feel this will be a beneficial venture, I am somewhat dissmayed by the size of the venture. I figure it's a matter of organization on my part....everyone still awake.......so I decided to start with a small, but not to small a room.....I have decided to work one room at a time, with the hope that each room only takes 1 day. So Today I cleaned our bedroom, I will now relay this experience!

I decided clean the top of our closet, one of our biggest space issues are clothes, so I figured if I could clean out the top of the closet I could use it as a place to put more clothes! I started by walking into the door....no I'm not getting that detailed....I walked into the door....as in smash....have you ever had that experience of being so convinced the door would just open when you wiggled the knob and pushed....I've done it a hundred times and this time was no different....however the door didn't move....and my body doesn't stop that quickly....reflexes of a cat I have not....Once I put my contact back where it belonged and established my nose was not broken or bleeding as I had first suspected....although I have never had a broken nose and therefore really am no judge of this so it may very well be broken....not that I'm being whinny about it. I got the top of the closet cleaned out and figured out my organizational plan, and was just putting this into effect when.....I was reaching for a basket above my head and it dumped on me.....yep dumped....that wouldn't have been so big a deal but it had jewelry making kits in it.....yep hundreds of little beads and charms and jems go flying every where.....so as I'm on my hands and knees sweeping up the beads and string and other crap....it hits me this is why every mother should have a once a week maid paid for by the government....job assistance....any way I get the bedroom done and move onto the laundry I want to put the clothes away in the top of the closet to make sure everything will fit....I have 4 loads just washed and dryed yesterday....I fold them as I watch worthless t.v.....I have some towels and socks sitting on the couch cushions while I put some other clothes away....I'm gone for 30secs tops I return to the living room to find Cleo our wanderful english bulldog happily snoring all over my clean folded clothes.....I nearly cried.....I then pulled myself together and showed great restraint.... in the fact that the dog is still living.... and simply threw the clothes on top of the pile back in the laundry and put the rest of the clothes away....so laundry folded....not all put away.... I went to the kitchen to do the dishes....but all went pretty well in here....I mean....I washed....they dried....I put away....pretty normal....then I sat down to blog about my day and how I almost cried today....I laughed....I relaxed....I accomplished....I succeded....Now I remember why this is one of the greateset jobs I ever had!

Rock Bottom

I had a familiar conversation with a very good friend today. She mentioned how her family was feeling the economic crisis, she said they had reached their financial rock bottom. I told her how I can relate totally. I explained we were treading water and had been for awhile. It got me to thinking about our lives and our government. Her family like ours is a two income family. My husband and I both work full time as do her and her husband, and yet we never seem to get very far ahead. Both of our families are very frugal with our money there are no extras. We rarely if ever eat out, we don't have expensive hobbies and if money is tight our hobbies are the first to go. For example my husband hasn't been hunting all season, though he's had many invitations. I haven't been to the scrapbook store in months, in fact my husband and I were just talking the other day about how proud we were of me because I have been turning out a lot of really beautiful pages lately, but haven't shopped for supplies. I wonder when were all working so hard to make our American dreams come true why do they seem so far away...why does it seem like the people who don't work has hard or follow the rules seem to get more....I know life's not fair, but some times I wonder why it seems so unfair to the good people. Why does our government continually seem to ignore our personal needs. It's an election year and I am disappointed by my options for a presidential candidate....there seems to be no real good answer in sight....it's not something that will be fixed overnight but there are definite steps that could be taken to make it seem fixable. Yet even as I write this I know no matter what promises they make no one is looking out for the "good" guy. The work 40-60 hrs a week and still come up short at the end of the month guy. The I don't think it's wrong to want to buy my children new clothes guy. What about us. I only had one thing to say to my friend I understand....I can't do much to help but offer a cup of coffee and an ear, but I'll do that as long as you need it....were all in this together until someone figures out a way to make it better.

In response to your blog!

I have a day off and therefore am feeling.....insightful (please hold all laughter till the end of the blog) any way I read a friends blog recently...2 day in fact. It was entitled the calm before the storm. This and what she had to say got me thinking...she expresses (I'm paraphrasing here) her nervousness about it all being so good....which reminds me of one of my favorite music quotes "somethings gotta go wrong cuse I'm feeling to damn good"....any way it got me to thinking, I have felt for awhile now that I was in the middle of a storm....I have been walking gently waiting for the wind to stop blowing and the rain to stop pouring and the clouds to part....however after reading her blog today I began to reconsider my position.... in life at this moment....(you know how much I love to play the questions with no answers game)....so what if this is the calm....what if everything I've been visualizing and hoping and convincing myself will happen is about to....that would mean...(here comes the lets pretend game)....I'm going to get a job custom fit to me....Chet has passed his test....buying a house is not only possible but happens....financial woes disappear....(I love this game) and I could go on all day, but the point of my pointless ramblings are what if I am starting to get so used to good I sometimes mistake challenges for bad....I believe there is a difference....I spent a great many years making bad look good for the sake of every one around me....including me.... but I must be the first to admit I have been overly blessed with so much good lately it's possible I have allowed myself to become de-sensitised to the overwhelming good of it all....the simple satisfactions of a quiet evening at home....the simple joy of hearing my daughter laugh its such a simple pure innocent laugh....the insane happy feeling I get when my husbands eyes light up when I get home from work....the way I still get butterflies in my stomach when he looks into my eyes right before he kisses me deeply....these are all things I feel I may very well be taken for granted....and if my predictions are correct (which they usually are) the storm is on it's way....not here yet....It will be a welcome storm a storm of possibility and love and blessings and dreams becoming reality....perhaps my friends blog has made me realize I've had the "calm before the storm" feeling for some time I've just been to busy wanting for more I've confused it for exhaustion and struggle....when what's really been going on is L-I-V-I-N....allow me to explain when my husband and I were just friends I would tell him my whole life was about survival....I even have a tattoo dedicated to it....he would tell me he was gonna teach me how to live....not survive live....one of our favorite quotes is (we like quotes in case you were wondering) "Just keep livin"....and as I sit here in my bathrobe on my day off...the first in quite a while...I realize we have been livin....livin doesn't mean it's a fairy tale....it means your feeling and fighting and loving and enjoying and....well livin! So to my friend who wrote the blog I have no right or ability to give any worthwhile advice I will say to you....I say breath deep look around take it all in and let it all go if there is a storm I know you well enough to have total faith you will handle it like a pro and there wont be a hair out of place when it blows over....I would also say it may be just maybe it's pure and total excitement....you have some amazing blessing about to take place in your life as well and it's possible just possible you have forgotten what that feels like....I don't presume to tell you how you feel...nor would I want to....however as I have just blogged sometimes it can all be mixed up and can take a lot of time to figure out....and as a woman I know I for one I am guilty of finding a quick answer to how I'm feeling because I feel I shouldn't spend to much time trying to figure my own feelings out....not that you do this but I know I do....it could always be women's intuition and their is a storm coming....either way I know you'll be great....remember just keep livin....and who knows maybe the storm is the same storm and it's bringing wonderful blessings and changes of good fortune to both of us....in fact I think that's what it is and therefore we have no reason to dread it....we have only to accept it as it comes and be thankful!

Want, Bitch, Selfish, Mother...all that I am.

Okay so it's been awhile since I took the time to blog and since it has been so long I decided to blog about something important.....wait....it's coming....ok so you see why I haven't blogged in so long....I seem to have used all my energy up at work....(extra hours you know)....and now I have nothing to blog about....right so you know how you just get in the mood to have a sausage and cheese mcmuffin from micky dees in the morning....no it's not something I do all the time it's not even something I do often...which is why it is so annoying to me that they always seem to have the dumbest person working in the morning....is there really no one of with any semblance of intelligence willing to work at micky dees in the a.m.? And since I have started this obvious bitch fest there are a few other things that annoy me to....such as do you ever catch a movie about half an hour in and it just grabs your attention so you hit the handy dandy guide button to see when it will be on next so you can watch the whole thing....only to find out it isn't....it's not on the guide apparently someone decided anyone who ever would be or could be interested in this movie has the know how and ability to watch it at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Wednesday. So if that's true why is it when I ask someone about it no one has ever heard of it....can it be it's just a big hoax and the movie just appeared on t.v. for my sake and no one else in the universe caught it at 3:38 in the afternoon on Wednesday? Any way other things going on in my life....lets see....oh ok the closer my impending unemployment gets, the scarier it all seems, I am torn I am excited about the prospect of being a housewife again and being able to spend some much needed attention on my own child....at the same time I have the massive financial woes of our family to deal with....I feel like I'm leaving somewhat in the lurch...now I of course understand there is nothing at this point I can do about it, but I have to admit that is the case because of my own selfishness. I have a plethora of experience in my particular field and I know I could walk into any daycare in the tri-state area and have a job....not bragging just fact....but I don't want to.... I simply just don't want it anymore. I don't want to change diapers and say "no" and "please eat with your spoon" and "we don't hit our friends" and other like preschool teacher phrases. I know people who would gladly do this job for the rest of their lives and always be very happy doing so....I just don't want to....I don't want to be one of those old women who avoids their grandchildren because I am so burnt out from being with children. One of the ways I have convinced myself having one child and not several (as I had always hoped to) is because I told myself there will be life after there will be a period of time when my daughter is grown and there are no children to take care of....to give advice and money to yes there will always be but to hover over and struggle with every single day no....there will come a time when she just needs me in a standby position....when I am more of an after thought for her....and as much as I will hate that and as much as I will miss her and the constant need of her for me it is a part of life and I believe that any and every good parent knows this day will come and though it will suck and be the greatest heartache for us as parents it will also be a kind of Independence a chance to focus again on ourselves to think after a very long absence what do I want...not what do I need or have to do or what would she want or what does she need....just me what do I want....though it may sound selfish to many I hope that one day I do think these thoughts....if I do it is proof I as a parent have done my job and raised a confident independent forward thinking active lively intelligent capable happy loving member of society....and when you get to the heart of a mother isn't that her greatest accomplishment....isn't that what she wants for all of her children....just to know their ok and with or without her they can make and live a great life....I know I do. Any way so I'm torn about my sense of duty and my wants I can't help but think I deserve to love my job I deserve to want to go to work everyday. I do know and I love it, I look forward to going to work every morning, even with my feeling of betrayal and manipulation by my boss I still love my job. I just want to feel that no matter what I choose to do and I know that if I stay with my current career field I know I wont. So there it is my random thoughts and an update on my mind....not that I can keep up with it anymore than any one else can.

A menacing task.

I have a friend....she is one of those beautiful souls that one doesn't come across very often in life. She is smart funny and has a wonderful way of putting everything into perspective for me. She really is a great person. She is also, however, under the influence of a not so great man.

This man is the kind of man that we mothers of daughters pray our girls never come across and if they should we pray they are strong enough to deflect them. He's the kind that knows just exactly what to say to make women do what ever he wants them to. This man has 10...count them...10... children spread out all over the U.S. Most of them he has absolutely no relationship with at all. He pays child support on 1of them. He can talk his way out of a paper bag. The weirdest thing about it all is he's not good looking. I'm not the only one who thinks so. This man has come in to her life gotten her pregnant and then left her with a small child twice. He decided just before the last child he wanted nothing to do with her because he had other women he preferred to spend time with, or lie to and bull shit, then the day after the birth he has come back.

So my friend has gotten mixed up with this man and has 3 of his children herself. The newest one just arrived last night via emergency c-section. He is currently in the n.i.c.u. and will be there for awhile, he is healthy and breathing on his own he's just a month early, and therefore needs extra special care. He only weighs 4lbs 9oz. He's a very small but beautiful little guy. My friend had to be all, but cut in half to get this small miracle here. As I said above this man has conveniently returned, just in time to convince my friend she needs him more than ever now. I love my friend she has always been a source of comfort and joy to me reminding me when I needed it that it's not that bad. I am now, unfortunately, faced with the menacing task of simply saying "I can't help you anymore if he is with you and you are still going to allow him to continue treating you in this way." This decision is harder said than done. She does need the extra help her friends provide and I want so much to be a help, yet we have all expressed our feelings and fears to her about his constant back and forth, and the effect it will have on her and the children. She has refused to see that she can do it herself, with small help from friends. In a sense she has refused to help herself and therefore has made it impossible to allow anyone else to help her.
I wish her and all of her children nothing but the best and I will always be her friend, I just cannot always be her enabler.

Having faith, and belief!

So my boss called on Sunday evening..... not normal..... we discussed the schedule for the week..... the same as always...... and then she paused and said can you have dinner with me sometime this week.....background....the only time I have ever had a serious complaint about my job I asked her to meet me for dinner so we could talk about the situation with out being interrupted by kids. It worked out well we talked it all out and solved the problem right there in a matter of hours over martinis. I was nervous about this I thought I had been doing a good job I was following all the guidelines we set forth at the first "dinner meeting". Anyway we had our dinner tonight and while the conversation was some of what I expected some of it I wasn't ready for. Long story short my job will be ending alot sooner than I had anticipated....not because she asked it to or because she wanted it to....I made the decision....and it was not easy....she asked me to change my schedule to one that was very unfriendly to my girl....I was only willing to do that for a very very short time. So I am about to embark on a new adventure....one I have no idea where it will lead....I'm excited, sad, eager, scared, and hopeful all at the same time....my job came when I needed it the most hand delivered to me on a silver platter by the universe in a neat little package....I believe with all my heart and soul that this will happen again I believe the universe has heard my requests and I am moving in the direction to lead me to the end I have requested. So here we go faith strong hopes high, and expectations waiting to be met!

A rare movie review.

Just a short side note tonight....I don't usually give movie reviews, but I have to tell everyone I know with little children about a movie we watched this weekend with our girl. It's called Arctic Tale, let me say first of all it is shameless propaganda about global warming, but with the entire world trying to go green and educate children on the subject it's totally appropriate! Not to mention it's done in such a cute and fun way. It's a story that follows a baby polar bear and a baby walrus through 8 yrs, but amazingly enough it only take about an hour and a half. There are some touchy issues, death, killing, reproduction. These issues are handled with kids gloves on. There are no graphic scenes and with the use of music and beautiful scenery you could easily avoid some of these issues all together. Or you could use them as a conversation starter. The most obvious of these is death it is shown in more detail than any other adult subject and still is handled and shown with total discretion. The movie is narrated by Queen Latifah, who I love, and is visually amazing. I totally suggest all parents with small and older children check it out, it really was fun had by all of us! Happy movie watching!

Ewwww....

Right so I think I've mentioned my ex-husband has a girlfriend....I am totally not okay with her having anything to do w/my daughter. I understand that shy is gonna spend time with this women when she is with her dad, but I am her mother and when I am around I fully expect that I will be treated as her mother. I will make necessary decision's for her and I will decide what's best for her. Chet always took a backseat where shy was concerned when her father was around in fact he still does. I know getting used to this woman is no different than my ex getting used to Chet, but it should be different for a mother and daughter I think....shouldn't it....and to make matters worse shy seems to like her...Ewww....they seem to get along great....shy even seems to get along with her son....I am really trying hard to be gracious and pleasant about the whole thing, but the woman doesn't speak to me unless I speak first and then she just smiles and stares at me....I don't like her and I like her even less when she talks to and hugs shy....I am just being ridiculous I know and just like my ex I'm just gonna have to deal with the fact that she's around, but I don't like it. I really don't like it.

Uggghhhh!

I'm stressed and hoping the....blah mood I'm in lifts soon. Could be the weather or the fact that my husband is out of town....could be financial woos or work related stress...I don't know I can't seem to think a single thought completely out....I wish I had a really great friend to just pull me away and take me to dinner and drinks so I could vent and compare, children, and job stresses. There's a bottle of cheap rum in the kitchen and if I was just a little more irresponsible I would have more than a few drinks and feel....well....nothing. Ooohhh to be comfortably numb....I remember that from my youth...some would call it a fog of drunken, and drugged haze. I always called it comfortably numb....ooohhh to be young irresponsible and ignorant....it may be wrong and horrible of me, but sometimes just sometimes I wish for my youth. Wow! What a bunch of useless babble this blog is. Well it's time to do the dishes and move forward with the evening.... so.... back to reality.

In Love!!

I am such a newlywed! I was sitting on the couch last night cuddled under our honeymoon blanket with my husband, and I looked across the room at our favorite picture from the wedding day. Which happens to be in a beautiful frame....a wonderful wedding present...and I felt such completeness....such satisfaction....were not rich but the bills are paid....were not glamorous, but were are very sexy people! I realized in that moment as our daughter slept peacefully in the next room and the bird was quiet for the first time all day and the dog was on the floor snoring happily...there was no where else I wanted to be I couldn't have asked for anything else in the world. I was in a fairy tale not the kind they read to me when I was little but a real life one. I looked at my husband and said " I think were in one of those kind's of love affairs that people write poems about, and sing songs about, and romantic movies are made of. Thank you to the universe! I also thought about friends who haven't found this kind of love yet, or who have and are forced to be separated for any number of reasons. I think of you all often I wish nothing but the best for you. Keep the faith and know you will have this feeling yourself weather for the first time or again. Stay strong and know you are loved.

Thank You's long over due.

My last two blogs have expressed my delight at scrapbooking again. I think I realize why. Today as I was scrapping yet another page (that's a book and 2 pages done in a week). To some hardcore scrapper's that may not seem like much, but for me it's alot. You see for me scrapbooking means so much more than just a pretty book for my grandchildren to see, there is a meaning deeper and more important. This is my history of scrapbooking story.

I can still remember the first time I sat down at a table to scrapbook I had nothing....no bag, scissors, paper, stickies....nothing. I was invinted to join J and L. J had invited me and asked me to "just bring a couple of pictures and we'll show you what to do." I just kept saying I didn't have the money to start a new hobby...or a hobby at all. I went, at that time in my life I didn't say no to J about anything, anyway there the 3 of us were sitting at J's dinning room table I watched them for a long while and knew I was sunk. I watched them use paper stickers cutters and other various utensils to create beautiful pages wrapped around a few carefully chosen pictures. I fumbled around borrowing everything from them and making a lot of mistakes (I actually cut a picture into a circle using scissors) I laugh now but that was what I knew then. When the evening was over and I went home I mentally compared my page to thiers all the way home. My didn't quiet cut the cheese. It was elementary compared to the finished product they had produced. However something amazing did come out of the evening....I was hooked. The very next week I took $100.00 and went to the scrapbook store, the only one at the time, and bought all the "basics" or what I was instructed were the basics. I then went home in a frenzy and started going through photos and pushing out pages. When I look back at them now I think they are still very juvenile in style, but I was progressing. Every week or so I would purchase more paper or stickers or a new cutter of some sort, just things I would see in the store and think I would put to good use. I was scrapping almost every night after I put my daughter to bed, and sometimes when during the day when the "housewife" duties were done. I thought that was it I was a scrapbooker.

J and I had a falling out as most everyone in my life does and she was gone. I no longer had any one to share my thoughts and finished products with. I'm not sure how much time went by, or how exactly it happened, but L and I became really good friends. Better than good....great. She introduced me to what I personally think is the true reason and possible the best thing about scrapbooking altogether. L taught me about scrapbooking with friends. I'm not sure what exactly to call it there are a lot of names for different examples of this gathering, but the first few time's we did this was truly a magical experience for me, one I have yet to thank her for. The "gathering's" went as follows. We would decide who's house to overtake for the evening. Then someone would bring creamer and someone would bring a fun snack (usually something with chocolate) something we would never normally sit around eating. Then we would pack up all of our supplies in our bag(s), part of the basics. We would converge on the chosen location start the coffee and open the snacks. Pull out the project or project(s), as was the case more often than not with L, and the fun began. The coffee flowed like rain in the summer in kansas, as did the conversation, the chocolaty snack's the laughs. I was something unexplainable....it was a moment in time when we were exactly where we wanted to be. We would talk about everything and anything. It was.....magical truly magical. For awhile, I'm unsure how long it went on like this just the two of us enjoying these female bonding experiences exchanging ideas and giving critics on pages. It was perfect.

I remember the night T and I were dupped into scrapping together, L has since told me she didn't do it on purpose, I think otherwise. Whatever the case this would prove to be another milestone in my scrapping history. You see T and I were not really friends. Any way we showed up at L's and did what women do in these situations. We didn't talk to each other, we both spoke to L and we both would make comments and add what we chose into the conversation, but I don't recall ever really speaking to each other that first night. The next time we got together it was at T's house L called to invite me, I was hesitant, "are you sure she wanted to invite me"? L assured me it was fine and I should just come and scrap. I was new to this community scrapp gathering thing....and I loved it, and any way my moma taught me how to behave even when in a situation of tension. So I went. It was a wonderful time my pages were coming along beautifully and with the extra input I was growing confidence and priceless expertise from more experienced, and more talented women than myself. It was a great time we all took turn's it became something we did every couple of weeks or so. It was a given that we would get together and scrap it was just a matter of when where what. A friendship began to bloom between T and I we lived in the same town so even when we all couldn't get together T and I would and it was once again a magical experience.

T is one of the most influential people as far as my scrapbook creativity, and technique goes. She taught me the fundamental basics, the basic do's and don'ts. It's sad to say, but you can tell when we began scrapping together just by looking at my books. My work become's more creative, more embelleshed, more mature. I learned more than I thought possible just by watching her work and playing with whatever new toy or tool she had purchased. I don't think I would own an eyelet tool today if not for her. How sad would that be. She taught me to expand my thinking. It doesn't always have to match. Always matte your pictures. Inking is proof the gods love us and want us to be happy. You can never have to many buttons. Life without ribbon isn't worth living. Mini albums can be fun. If they have pretty scrapbooks to pass down generation after generation the kids don't need to go to college. When in doubt buy the paper in every color. The internet is a great sorce of ideas. Scrap lifting is ok just put your own spin on it, and give credit where credit is due.

During my divorce I didn't scrap at all....not at all. I was depressed and I had broken ties with T and L. I didn't have that female bonding experience to lean on and enjoy. The magic was lost. I was also busy trying to create my life from nothing, and therefore mentally spent. There were no creative juices. And therefore I just let it lie....for months....then a year. Then T and I found our way back to one another. Or she found me or I found her, I'm sure i'm romantisizing it a bit, but the point is we eventually found our way back to scrapping together. I was so excited that first time. This out of everything I had lost in the divorce was what I had missed the most. This was the reason I wanted to scrap so bad again. I wanted the flowing of conversation and coffee and ideas and critics. It was wonderfull.

I am sure some of you are wondering what the point of all this is....well here you go. T and I no longer talk and no longer scrap together. L has been out of my life for a long while now. I didn't scrap for a long time after T and I had our falling out. I just kept thinking something was missing it wasn't right to just sit and scrap by oneself. In actuality I have come full circle. I started scrapping by myself, and I have recently learned I can do it still. I don't have to have the "gathering" to scrapbook. It makes the experience much more fun and it is a magical experience that I would encourage any woman to enjoy. It isnt the only way to do it though. I once thought all my creativity was derived from the women around me. That like a coven of witch's we gained creative ability from the "gathering". I have recently discovered, I can be creative by myself, and I can scrap beautiful pages even with out input and commarderie.

I will never forget my history of scrapbooking and I will always remember the feeling of magic that was in the room during those perfect evenings. I have never thanked these women all three of them for nurturing me and my creativity for taking the time to show me I was capable of something meaningfull and beautifull. For letting me glue the mistakes down before telling me what the problem was so I would learn the joy of undo. I have found my own style or am finding it. I have found my own passion and desire to scrap and had it not been for these women I would never have even know it was there.

I thank you all J, L, T. For the introduction the conversation the coffee the input the use of tools, paper, cutting utensils, and so many more thing's I am forgetting. I have a way of self expression I wouldn't have without you. Thank you all for the individual and important way you have brought me to a place where I am confident, passionate, and driven enough to scrap by myself and in some way's for myself. I would love to have the magically moments back and someday perhaps we can all have a "gathering" together again. Until then I wish all of you beautifull pages, endless stickies, perfect measuring, flowing creativity, and most importantly wild abandon with your craft. I have and always will be a little piece of all of you and in a way a 4 dimensional walking talking tribute to you and your ability to pass on a truly great and wonderous gift. I will be a page you all collaberated on and if I do say so myself you did a beautifull job!

Welcome back creativity!

I promise I'm not gonna bog down my blog with pictures of my scapbook pages, but this one turned out so well I just had to show everyone!!

20 things that are typical Monica

1. Being quiet and not responding when I don't like something that was said
2. Crying at movies that I've seen a hundred times
3. Changing my plans to accommodate other people's schedules
4. Loving way to much....way to soon
5. Jumping to conclusions
6. Speaking my mind....loudly
7. Being my own worst critic
8. Assuming the worst of everyone
9. Playing my music loud
10. Underestimating myself
11. Overestimating myself
12. Being Mathematically illiterate
13. Being to strict with my children
14. Not giving the benefit of the doubt to anyone
15. Getting confused
16. Being unorganized
17. Leaving my shoes all over the house
18. Not dusting
19. Wasting time
20. Staying up to late

Back to scrappin!

Okay, so after a very long dry spell, because of lack of time, lack of pictures, lack of creativity, or all of the above, I am once again scrapping. I am totally excited because I have enough projects to last me a while. I am creating a wedding book a honeymoon book and a bachelor/bachelorette party book. Needless to say I'm stoked to be back into the swing of things. So for those of you who know my addiction and have been wondering what I've been up to I'm putting a couple of pictures of the first pages from the bachelorette party book on. Hope you enjoy them I won't be putting pics of all the pages I'll be doing but every once in awhile I'll surprise you all with some.

A horrifyingly Massive realization!

I was just in the shower, and while this is not a dramatic or eventful happening, what happened while I was in the shower was. So I'm enjoying my shower alone with no daughter or husband to share the space with it was truly a treat....don't get me wrong I love taking a shower with both my daughter and my husband, however sometimes a girl just needs to take a shower alone. So I'm having my shower....a special shower.... ladies you know what I mean the kind of shower where you can actually groom, because you have the room to stretch out your legs and shave....yep a truly wonderful experience. I don't know about the rest of you girls but when I shave my legs I like to prop one up on the side of the tub and really get it good. So I'm shaving and singing "Hairspay's" greatest hits "Hey mama welcome to 60's oh oh oh oh ohhhh go mama go go go...." so I'm shaving and singing and shaving and singing ahhh such subtle bliss.... I'm shaving while mentally reminding my self of where every scar came from and taking mental notes of any new freckles....is that skin cancer maybe hmmmm....silently berating my lack of self control knowing the dark spot on my left thigh wouldn't be there if I could control myself and not scratch itchy mosquito bites....damn those nasty little bitting shits. Any who suddenly I'm looking at my leg and the razor in my right hand stops mid calf....my left hand freezes in mid air with a soapy loofah dripping...."what....those aren't my legs....what the hell"....I readjust thinking It's just bad lighting....after all it's the middle of the afternoon so I chose not to turn the bathroom light on....being the "green" minded individual that I am....no still it's not right....maybe if I turn around....no still somethings wrong....then it hits me those aren't my legs....thier....no this couldn't be....oh no the universe couldn't be this cruel....thier....thier....My Mothers Legs.....Yep that's right.....Ohhhh the cruelty.....the inhumanity....the injustice....I look up at the ceiling....take a deep breath, gather up all my mental strength and look again....yep cellulite in the same spot....ankles on their way to becoming cankles....oh no....how could I have not noticed this....how long have they looked this way.....I know I don't shave as much as I should but I mean come on it's not been weeks or anything....I finish shaving and get out of the shower and stand in front of the mirror for a minute....My worst fear....I believe, every woman's worst fear, is terrifyingly realized....I look like my mother....not a little bit....not just the nose....or the hair....not something I can have surgically altered...(damn right I would I'm not vain just picky)....oh no it's everything....that's right the nose the chin the double chin (that I don't have....or will not admit to).... the ears it's all there the only thing that keeps me from being a carbon copy of my mother are the eyes....and just the color of them the shape is the same....I fight back tears and try to calm my breathing.....after all it's hot and steamy in the bathroom and passing out and hitting my head on the toilet while trying desperately to cling to my sanity during this traumatic realization would only justify some peoples expectations of the nut house being my next stop.....I finish drying off and continue my usual bathroom routine....deodorant....face wash....clean the ears....get dressed....little perfume...and I'm out of there I begin to breath normal again....I get a cup of juice light a cigarette and try to make sense of the situation....now I should explain I'm an over thinker....it's just who I am I over analyze and over dramatize almost everything....so I begin a run down maybe it's just physical or just the legs and the face....my mother loved the phrase "because I said so" I never say that....good....progress.....my mother smoked cigarettes, and drank iced sweet tea constantly....mental note quite smoking and find a new favorite drink....ok that's manageable....now what else.... my mother was a cna and changed the diapers of old people....I have spent the last 15yrs changing diapers of young people....mental note get a new career....I begin to breath heavily again, and decide to have another cigarette....mental reminder quit smoking....Oh to hell with it....I mean it's already happened right there isn't a whole lot I can do about it....women have been facing this horrifying realization since the beginning of time....I have turned into my mother....NOOOOOO!......AHHHHH.....okay the screaming helped, I feel spent all the emotions....Massive realizations can be so tiring....so I say this to all my fellow sisters out there who have or will experience this horrifyingly massive realization....I feel you....we can get through this....all we have to do is breath deeply....and keep in mind one day our daughter(s) will be in the same uncomfortable mentally challanging situation we are and then it will be our turn to sit back and laugh....not because it's funny....or fair....but because we have the wisdom of time and experience on our side....and possibly a little less sanity....but we'll have learned by then (hopefully) that mental health is overrated, and if we live life....truly live it feeling everything we can and taking everything we can and enjoying all we can and learning all we can, perhaps we will be able to look at our daughters and say positively, and with a loving smile, that's just life dear it's a circle and you have just continued it. Or maybe I'll be in the nut house on a couple of years, and I won't care about my mothers legs at all because I will have convinced myself I'm Elizabeth Taylor, in the early years, and I'm draped in diamonds.....awwww that's better.

The purpose of pictures!

I have rediscovered the purpose of pictures. Though I am an avid scrapbooker and I love and cherish the time I spend doing it, I think I forgot the the purpose for awhile. I love the artistic outlet it gives me and the relaxation factor of it....even when I'm not even sitting in a comfortable position. I love that my grandchildren will have more than just some pictures scattered in an album to relate to. Lately It has seemed I have been slapping out layouts trying to get better at the cosmetic value....I have been trying to make them pleasing to look at. I think what I have missed is the feeling. I have forgotten to try to make the feeling of what I'm scraping come out. I was reminded of that tonight as I looked at pictures of our wedding. It's hard when your in a moment to appreciate and take it all in....it's hard to just enjoy it. Tonight however I got to relive the wedding from a different perspective and It brought back all the joy and happiness from the day. That is after all just what pictures are supposed to do, allow you to relive a moment at any time. They are supposed to let us go back in time any time we pick them up. In my mind scrapping is supposed to be pics on steroids. I think, like I said I lost that for awhile. I am remembering it, and looking at our wedding pics tonight was....totally joyous for me. Another huge thank you to everyone who helped us pull it all together, and make it our perfect day!!

Wedding pix

Here are a few more pix from the wedding!

Trying

I have spent alot of my life trying to "keep up with the Jones's". I am going to, from now on, try very hard not to be envious or jealous or spite full of what other people have. I am going to try to be happy for others when they have more then myself. I am going to attempt to know that anything I want I must go after myself, and make a legitimate effort to be as successful as I choose to be. I am going to make an effort to be comfortable with the fact that some people will always have more than I do. I am going to try to be ok not having the best of everything. I am going to try to not assume that people who do have it all are happy with what they do have. I am going to try to know and let it be known that I will be happy with what I have or will have. I will still keep striving to get a better and, bigger life, for myself and my family. I will try to remember, and live these things.....mostly because I know somewhere someone is striving to be, in life, just where I am.

In my world.....

I was thinking today about how things would be in my world and I know your all dying to hear about so here it is.

Monica's world

In my world.....

Great shoes would never cost more than $50 even designer
Louis vuitton would send me samples of everything for free
I would be on every A list Hollywood stars speed dial
Mothers who have naughty children in Wal-mart would discipline them accordingly
Fashions for voluptuous women would be so good skinny bitches would be jealous
I would have 2 more children
There would be world peace
There would be no hunger
Every child would receive an adequate education
All religions would be accepted
I would live in a southern plantation style mansion
I would write a bestseller
The earth would be respected and cared for
We would respect and take care of our elders
My grandpa would still be alive and I would talk to him once a week
I would have better skin
I would be tan all year
I would have as many diamonds as Tiffany's
Our bird would be a lot quieter
I would have a Yorkie
People would work at what made them happy
I would have at least 5 really great friends
I would be more daring in my fashion sense
My nickname would be Pookie
I would travel out of the country at least 4 times a year....for pleasure
I would be a wedding coordinator
I would speak at U.N. conferences....about what I don't know
I would drive a truck, but have a convertible for fun
I would be the foremost authority on child rearing
I would still talk to my mother, and my sister
People would leave the past in the past
People would forgive and forget.....
The word love would not be used so easily
Hate would be abolished
Everyone would communicate with everyone else
There would be no missing children
Poverty would be eliminated
I would be happy with what I have
War would be unnecessary
Cher would be president
I would have more clothes than Donna Karen
Reality t.v. would not exist
The only endangered animals would be spiders, snakes, and mosquito's
Kansas would have all 4 seasons....for more than a week or 2
Sunflowers would grow in my yard year round
Medicine would be applied as opposed to just practiced

There are alot more things I would have in my world these are just a few....but you get the idea! lol!

Bachelor party

I know these have been a long time coming but here are some pics from Chet's bachelor/fishing party!!

Comment for thought!

A very good friend of mine called me the other week, we don't ever see each other and we rarely talk, but she saw something on my myspace and it peaked her interest enough to call me. She asked me how I was, asked about the wedding, she was out of the country for her anniversary and was unable to attend, and she asked me about my comment on my myspace. My comment simply says I am about to make a life altering change. I explained what it meant and she made a comment to me that I have been processing and rolling over in my head for days. It may very well be the truest statement I have ever heard about myself. While explaining my comment, I stated "I was scared and seemed to once again be in a place in my life where good friends were extremely rare and very limited, and so I was once again left with no one but my wonderful husband to seek advice from and vent to", I went on to berate myself on my lack of ability to see people for who and what they are instead of what I needed or wanted them to be. My friend laughed....laughed....at first I was offended, I mean I am at a really low point in my life as far as friends go, and I am truly saddened and hurt by this....after all I am a girl and friends are as important to me as they are to any girl....oh the joy of shopping, gossiping, having coffee, having lunch, discussing husbands, children....these are all things I have been robbed of lately. I was needless to say hurt when she giggled innocently at my vexed state of emotion....then it happened and while I didn't take much heed into her statement at the time as I stated I have pondered it for days. She said "Monica have you ever noticed whenever you make a life altering change you never have friends." It was my turn to laugh....I said that's not true and changed the subject to when she was gonna have another baby. We talked for an hour or so, it was nap time that's what made the exchange possible, and when we had sufficiently caught up on each other's lives we said good bye and I knew instinctively it would be months before we talked again and I'm sure it will be.

Then as if she had, as Dane Cook would say, placed a bomb in the back of my brain somewhere, I began to think and think hard about her comment. I thought back to my childhood and leaving my adoptive parents, I didn't have any friends, not at school, not in the trailer park we lived in, it was just me and my sister. Then I thought about when I left my parents house, I didn't have any friends then either, just my ex-husband. Then I remembered when Shy was born, I didn't have any friends at that time as well, there was no one to call and be excited for me and tell me congrats. Then my thoughts rambled to my divorce, once again no friends, there was no one to cry to, no one to vent to, no one to give me advice and tell me I wasn't going crazy and that everything would be ok. I had Chet through the divorce, and don't get me wrong he was amazing, he was my life raft, he was my man though not a friend. My thoughts then took me to the most recent life changing event, my wedding, once again no friends. The more I thought and dissected this innocent comment made by some one who has known me a very long time the more I wanted to prove it wrong, however as I have just shown.....no luck.....she was right. So being the over thinking introspective, philosophizing person that I am I began immediately, after admitting it was true, wanting to know...... why?

Why would I possibly only make life altering choices and changes when no one is around....why do I always pick friends who are selfish and hypocritical, and judgmental....Why do life changing experiences only happen when I have so very few people around to share them with me..... I have always said and I maintain I am the strongest woman I know, I am not conceited I know there are stronger women out there in the world....I just don't know them. My life as of late, I have to admit, has been lack of truly difficult and trying times, is it perhaps the universes way of making sure I'm still as strong as I think I am? I have for years idolized shows that revolve around a group of women being truly great friends, they laugh, cry, and yell together, they manage somehow to fight and still remain friends....it has always been one of my greatest, yet least know, dreams and goal to have those kind of friendships. When I was in my teens I simply told myself that was something that would come when I was older. When I was in my 20's I told myself I would make those connections when the time was right. Now however, I'm in my not 20's any more and still those precious and so wanted female relationships are not there. Did I miss the window....was I looking the wrong way....did I let the truly great life lasting female bonding relationships slip away and hold onto the less worthy shitty ones?

I seem to ponder this "friends" question alot, in all kinds of forms. I am very perplexed and somewhat confounded by the whole thing. And I am most disturbed to discover that my friend was right. As I prepare myself for yet another life altering change, and a large one at that I must admit to myself however reluctantly, I would love to have a great group of friends around me now....I would love to be able to hear their opinions and perhaps get their advice....I also have to admit however that I will not "settle" I love myself more than any one every could I accept myself for exactly who I am and I will take nothing less from anyone who calls themselves my friend. It would appear that my "sex in the city" relationships are still no where to be found....maybe....just maybe....in my 30's.

My head hurts! and other things current and interesting!!

I think I'm getting a sinus infection and I dislike it very much.

So we have started the house purchasing process, again, I don't see much light at the end of this tunnel....yet. I have decided to not even worry about it until the really exciting stuff starts to happen....paper work.....signatures....just the stuff that takes action on our parts. Till then I'll just hold out and keep reaching higher.

Our girl seems to be doing very well in school so far. Her new glasses are absolutely adorable on her....she has great taste...wonder where she got that from? Any way she seems to really be enjoying it so far, and girl scouts is starting up soon. I am so proud of her she is continuously evolving in to this wonderful, beautiful, whole, independent, young woman. It never ceases to amaze me. She is taking her dads new girlfriend, with excellent poise and respect, on both sides. She seems to be very comfortable in her surroundings and with the people in her life. I am so awed watching her adjust and handle the situations that are at times not the most enjoyable or entertaining. She truly is magnificent.

My husband is wonderful, he's been working a lot of overtime and it's starting to wear him down I think so I fixed a nice quiet easy going lazy sun. for him. He's napping peacefully.

I've been thinking about a new carer. My current position will be expiring shortly and I have decided to use this opportunity to go out on a limb, and try something new I am hoping for good results and I think I can favor my odds by being a wee bit prepared. Not as prepared as the average college graduate, however I can give myself a bit more of a chance I think. I have great people skills (nothing like crazy parents to teach how to deal with crazy lol) and I have an awesome work ethic. I'm loyal and I'm reliable. I come to work on time I'm always some what flexible on hours, I volunteer for jobs that are above and beyond the call of duty. I think surely these small accomplishments must mean something....surely....something. Any way.

The only other think going on right now is my head it hurts and I think it's a sinus infection. So I have an elephant..... sitting on my head and he hurts.....and he keeps dropping peanut shells in my hair....he does have some great jokes though and he is pretty up to date on his Hollywood gossip. Omg! my sinus medicine must be kicking in I better go Till next time!

Excitement!!

So It's Monday after the honeymoon, and running around and wedding nonsense. I don't think I realized how stressed out I really was, I mean I was holding my own and doing what needed to be done and no one ended up dead so It couldn't have been that bad. Even so today I felt relieved and I was in a terrific mood! I was uber stoked to get to see my kids, I missed them even more than I realized. I was excited to hang out with them and hear about their vacation. It was kinda a shitty morning and still it didn't damper my mood, I am in love happy, married and I have a wonderful family I adore! It just feels like the stress of the last few months has not only lifted but is gone for awhile. There are still things to be stressed about, don't get me wrong, but I seem to be handling it all so much better, taking it all in stride more.

We had an amazing honeymoon, I'm not sure how exactly honeymoon's are supposed to go, this one was my first. However it was perfect, in my opinion. We had an amazingly romantic dinner, it cost a fortune, but it was beautiful and so super romantic. The mountains were just as majestic as I have always dreamed. Our cabin was even better than we expected and I can still sitting here now remember the way it felt to walk in that first night and be surprised very pleasantly surprised at how wonderful everything was.

We got back just in time to spend old settlers with Shy which was totally a bonus for us. We missed her so much and I am thrilled to report she missed us to. All in all it was perfect the wedding (even with the rain), the honeymoon, my new husband everything was just as good as I could have hoped and in most cases even better. Here are a few pics of the honeymoon, were still gathering all the pics from the wedding, but there are a few here!

The night before

Okay so it's the night before and I've gotta make the thank you signs and thats it....thats all it's done I am soo uber excited I can't even begin to explain. I'm madly in love and getting married I can't wait! Whooo-hooo did I mention I was excited.....I can't believe it will all be over tomorrow! Wow....six months went by really fast!! I'll blog while were on the honeymoon if I get a chance if not I'll fill everyone in when we get back!

Anticipation!

Whoooooooooo! It's Thursday night, and I am so overwhelmed....in a good way! I am having so many emotions....I can't seem to follow a thought completely through without getting lost in a new one. I know most of it is anticipation I just.....well honestly it's been a long time since I was this excited and eager about something....It seemed so far away for so long I just keep thinking there's something I forgot or something I'm not doing that I need to. I want to know it was good.....no matter who tells you it was good I just want to know for myself. I'm totally doing all the last minuet little things, tomorrow my girl and I are making a day of it. Chet's working. By tomorrow night there will be nothing to do but get our hair done and dress.....and of course get married! Then the real downtime begins....it will be time to breath relax and just be in love for a week or so.... any way I gotta get back to helping everyone's helping clean up the house tonight so It's one less thing I have to do tomorrow.

Wut???

okay I have apparently created 2 blogs now hahahaha typical Me! Any who I took off the pics of the bachelorette party, but never fear I'll put'em back and in a cool slide show thing to.

So it's the week of the wedding Whoo-Hoo! I can't even begin to try to describe my feelings at this point....the only obvious word seems to be "positive" I am totally positive about everything....the wedding is gonna be great the honeymoon's gonna be great....hell I even think the marriage is gonna be great! We have made huge efforts in the last couple of weeks to remove all the negative drama, feelings, and....well just the negative from our lives and it finally feels like we have done it. It feels as if a weight has been lifted from us....as if the grey clouds have been blown away by the wind and replaced by the glorious sun! It's just so wonderful to be completely happy and excited about this amazingly beautiful experience were having.

I am thrilled to report we are ready and eagerly awaiting the arrival of the day....and that's no small fete considering the drama and just plain b.s. that has been shoved at us in the last few months. I am super proud of us as well. We planned, payed for and will execute a beautiful wedding with little to no support from friends or family....there was no extra money from family, almost no outside help with preparations from friends....we did it.....we decided we wanted this and we went after it and we made it happen. I'm starting to believe we can do anything. Even faced with incidents that could have ruined or at the very least put a huge damper on our special occasion, we managed to cling to each other ride out the storm and still have this amazingly positive energy to pull us through to the last. I consider it a testament to our love and ability to overcome all things as long as we have our little family. Don't misunderstand the casualty list is long, loved one's were lost, bridges were burned, and feelings have been hurt beyond repair, but we can rest easy knowing we did what was right for us and we are not responsible for other peoples actions or choices.

I know for myself personally I will try to choose the people in my inner circle alot more carefully and I will not be so trusting, or eager to cater to someone else's feelings again. It's dangerous to let people to far into you....you never really know if they can be trusted.....until that one moment comes, and you have to see who they really are and what their really made of....the disappointment can be devastating as I have learned (the hard way) recently. I am thank full for the time I did have and for the memories I will forever cherish and keep. A good friend of mine says "people come in and out of our lives for a reason....we take and give things to/from these people and they move on....or we do, but everyone has left a mark no matter how small or great on us, and us on them. The trick is to try to make as much of the experience as positive as possible, no matter how difficult that may seem" I'm not sure I did that this time, but I did the best I could and will forever know that no matter what will or has happened I did take things and leave things and I learned things. One of my favorite quotes is "Beginnings are usually scary....endings are usually sad, but it's whats in the middle that counts." That I think is so very true. So here's to the endings (hopefully their done for awhile) and to all the beginnings (which are happening all the time) bring on the new people and let keep L-I-V-I-N!!

Just an update

Okay so after the immense drama over the last two weeks, I am thrilled to report, the bachelorette party was a complete success! It was so much fun, I think we all had a great time. I know I did. It seems to me the closer we get to the wedding the more people around me are disappointing. I take comfort in the fact that I am marrying a man I know I can count on.

Anyway like I said the party was amazing everything from liquor to good looking guys to bulls to great food it was so perfect! All thanks to my girl Ashley, your the best! I think were almost ready for the wedding just a few little things left to do, most of which will be done the day before. It's gonna be "perfect" contrary to popular belief. No matter what happens this week I refuse to let anything or anyone put a damper on the day. After all "It's my special fucking day, and I'm a pretty fucking princess." Chet said he had a great time at his as well it was the same night as mine.

I am really getting excited about everything. The honeymoon is gonna be amazing and hopefully relaxing as well. The dress is perfect! Yay Ronda!

We had mall madness this weekend and it was amazing! The sales, the people the games the fun the food we really had a great time! The girls finally fell asleep about 30 mins before we left and were crazy grouchy, but all in all it was a blast and a must do next year!

A long hard look at friendships.....or lack there of!

When I was younger I believed that friendships were fun, and easy. I believed that if someone wasn't fun then there was no point in our being friends. I believed that if this other person added something to me we were good friends. I believed if I could be myself around them, then they were good for me and were a true friend.

I'm not so young now and I don't believe what or like I used to. I no longer believe friendships are supposed to be fun and easy. I no longer believe that someone who isn't fun isn't worth having as a friend. I no longer someone has to add something to me to be a good friend. I no longer believe being allowed to be myself around someone means they are a good, and true friend.

I have discovered most of the attributes I used to believe defined a friendship, I have found in some of my most cunning enemies. People who put up a guise, and let me believe all the things I had since I was young. Its hard to spot these people and I am sure there are so many more I have yet to even discover in my life. It makes me wonder though. When did I stop believing? When was it this massive realization hit me? Was it a person? A few people perhaps? Or just another coming of age cliche' something that everyone comes to realize in their own time? I think back to all of the "friends" I've had in my life and I can pinpoint almost exactly every time they hurt, or let me down. Yet some of these people I still call my friends to this day. Ahhh, but alas, I can also name a group of people who have been my "friend" for a very short time and have done me no disloyalty. Is it just a matter of time? Does every "friend" we have disappoint, hurt, anger, or let us down? Is it perhaps that we have skewed the idea of friendship to a point that it is so blurred we no longer understand what the true definition is?

And then there's me. How many people have called me a friend just to be hurt or angered or disappointed or let down? How many people have I been disloyal to under the guise of being their "friend"? If I knew it, would I think I was justified in doing these things? Is it ok to be hurtful because you have been hurt? If I was never as good a "friend" as I thought was, is it right to expect someone to be a great "friend" to me? I look at my daughter today and I see her with her childhood "friends" some of them I just get the feeling she will know forever. Others I want to warn her about. Not that I think they will hurt or anger her but I fear they will disappoint her. I feel just by knowing where they come from and how they were raised you can begin to see what kind of "friend" they will be. So why can't I see that with people I bring into my own life? Why are their guises so much harder to see through and protect myself against?

Now I believe a true friend tells me how it is even if I don't like it, though always knows when I need to be lied for my own good. I believe I can be myself though a good friend, would tell me when I'm not being the best me I can be. I believe a good friendship is one that can allow you to not see or speak to each other for years and yet when you do it's as if no time has passed. I believe a friendship is not always fun, we see each other through hard and sad and scary times to. I believe a person who is good for me doesn't need to add anything to me, because they think I'm great as is. I believe I have very few friends who fit this description. And as I reread what I have written the number of "friends" I believed I had when I started this blog has reduced......greatly. I believe that's sad.......but it's what I believe.

I believe to be a good friend I need to know when a friend is hurting and be willing to put aside any issues I may have about anything to be there for them. I believe I need to add nothing to them, if I call myself their "friend" I already love them and their shortcomings. I believe I don't always have to make it fun as long as I make it real. I believe sometimes they as their friend I have to be honest, unless they need lied to for their own sake. I believe it's ok if our lives take different paths as long as I try to stay connected in some way and make them know I'm here. I believe I have not always been a good "friend", but I can always try harder.

Hope for the future

So a lot of the stresses about money have relaxed, but I still feel worn. I can't seem to make anybody understand why I am so stressed and demanding. Its more than just "the bride" syndrome. I've done this before I know what it takes to make a marriage a good one. I've seen a great many examples. I have also personally experienced a not so great one. I know or at least believe in my heart we have what it takes to make it. Were both going into this wiser than most. We understand that a great marriage doesn't happen overnight and doesn't mean I always like you, or even that I always wanna be with you. It does mean I always love you, and after my mood lifts I will wanna be with you again. I read a quote that said "Marriage means falling in love again and again, always with the same person." I believe this with my whole heart. So because I have this infinite wisdom in my cranium I do want everything this time that the last time wasn't. I want to dance at my wedding I want to have a wonderful honeymoon I want a dinner I want to be the belle of the ball. I just want it beautiful and perfect. Is that to much to ask? I think not are only uppity wealthy debutante socialites allowed to have the picture perfect weddings? Where is it in the rule book, if your paying for it yourself and you work a blue collar job that you have to have a crappy unmemorable special day? As I continually remind everyone around me "It's my special fucking day and I'm a special fucking princess." I stole that quote from someone who used to be very important to me. I'm not trying to sound like I'm complaining, really I'm not who knows it may all turn out perfect. It may just be that all the details are taken care of and now my biggest worry is that all will happen as I have pictured in my head. Let's hope anyway. Oh the whole point of this is the reason why it's so important to me is because this is the first large milestone of our lives together, and I want it to be one of the best memories we share. I want this wedding and honeymoon to be something we look back on and say "we did it our way and it was perfect." I have the guy I have the ring I have my daughter, if the wedding happens as I hope, all that's left is the house and a very small very adorable yorkie, and a very large and very sweet english mastiff, then sit back and just keep livin! That's what I'm working toward make all the dreams come true, and sit back and just keep livin! L-I-V-I-N!! Never forgetting to smell the roses, kiss the kids, make love passionately, laugh, smile, and love!

Allow me to be the Bride!

We booked the Honeymoon suite! I guess if nothing else turns out we'll at least have a room to hang out in. I was under the impression that it was my job as the bride to stress, about whatever I felt needed to be stressed out about. Their are people around me who would have me think otherwise. Their has been a lot going on not just with our wedding but life in general. Given the circumstances as they are I feel I should be allowed to be as stressed or "dramatic" as I choose to be. After all I haven't been a "bridezilla" through the whole process I only have about a month left. Its not that I want to be overly dramatic, and stressed it's just that it's crunch time and I feel if I haven't let it get to me till now (actually I just haven't been showing it getting to me) I should be allowed to let some of those feeling out now. My fiancee and I have done everything for this wedding by ourselves, and I feel that has made us closer. I don't think that gives anyone who jumps in during the last min. of the game the right to tell me I'm being overly dramatic. There have been decisions made and disappointments faced by just the two of us. Lately some have acted as if I couldn't have done this without them, or that they had done it all. When the truth is no one has, we have made this wedding what it is thus far by ourselves. I'm fine with that I just don't think because someone is now making themselves use full or trying to be useful that they have the right to complain about my attitude. I am the bride! Not a typical one I'll agree but a bride none the less and if I want to feel that the whole process is falling apart at the seems, that is my right. If I want to say out loud that I feel it's all just been a shitty process and nothing seems to be working that's my right. I also feel if they don't want to hear about it or if they feel they have heard it enough then they don't have to participate. I do want my wedding to be perfect. I do want the ceremony to be beautiful. I do want the honeymoon to be romantic. I want everything every other bride wants. I don't feel it should matter that this is mine and his second marriage. I don't feel anyone should have to lie about how they feel about it either. If they are not in support I only wish they would admit that and remove themselves from the process. I am no less of a bride than anyone else. I would love for things to go smoothly and for everything to be like a fairytale, but this is reality, and things get messy and stressful, and screwed up. I just want to be allowed to stress over them to be disappointed when they don't work out and to have the right to express that. I just want to be the bride, all the craziness and drama and stress that goes with it.